Supervised Exchange:
An Under-utilized Service To Protect Children During Family Break-up
By Susan Griffin, M.S.
Separation or divorce can be devastating to a child’s sense of security
about him or herself and the world. Fears abound. “Is it my fault?”
“Is there something I can do to make them stay together?” “If they can
quit loving each other, will they quit loving me?” Close behind
anxiety about their relationship with Mom and Dad come concerns about
losing their school, friends, activities, extended family and even
their toys.
These worries make children vulnerable in many ways and what they need
the most are calm, relaxed, reliable and confident parents to guide
them through what can be one of the most difficult transitions of
their life. Naturally, most parents are just as shaken by the break-up
of their family as the children are. And most feel anything but calm,
relaxed, reliable and confident, whether they are the person left or
the person leaving.
This a normal set of reactions for both children and parents and they
will survive the transition. Unfortunately too many will go through
unnecessary pain and chaos during the daily or weekly transitions
between houses as everyone works to reorganize the structure of their
family. The key word here is “unnecessary!!” Almost all families
experience anything from awkwardness to outright conflict during
face-to-face transitions in the early days of the change. The parents
usually have the support system both internally and externally to get
through the negative effects of these conflicts without permanent
problems. Children are much less able to navigate the tension or
conflict between their parents without consequences because of their
tendency to blame themselves.
In general, adults have the ability to tolerate much more tension and
even outright conflict than children do. However, adults in this
situation are often not thinking clearly nor are they at their best in
terms of dealing with stress so they, like the children, are inclined
to cope with their negative reactions by reacting with unhealthy and
hurtful responses to the stress.
The first 3-6 months of major transition are critical for human beings
regardless of the transition, and the break-up of the family is no
different. It is at least as stressful as the unexpected loss of a
loved one to death. But too many families are left without adequate
support through these important early months and end up in an
escalated high-conflict stalemate with the other parent, gradually
becoming entrenched in fear, negativity and even paranoia because they
are not at their best. There is a safe and inexpensive, readily
available service that can both support and protect everyone
throughout the break-up transition.
Supervised
exchange is a way to ensure that everybody learns how to make transitions
between homes calmly and routinely, without uncertainty, uproar and
chaos. Supervision of the transition between Mom’s House and Dad’s
House, provided by a trained professional monitor who is neutral,
objective and child-centered, is critical.
Some parents object to the notion of “handing my child over to a
stranger.” While this is an understandable reaction, it does not look
at it from the child’s point of view. Teachers, tutors, scout leaders,
parental friends, baby sitters and nannies are significant people in
the lives of all children. For the child, the professional monitor is
seen as an adult helper who is there to help them and their parents.
One of the reasons parents object to supervised visitation is that
they know they will not do anything to harm their child and resent the
idea that they need someone to help them.
The truth is, and research bears it out, that parents do not intend to
harm their children by fighting, yelling, screaming, or even coldly
ignoring each other during transitions. These behaviors occur because
the adults are having strong and immediate feelings they are trying to
cope with. Parents behave in ways that put their childrens’ sense of
stability at risk because they themselves are feeling overwhelmed by
unexpected reactions to the other parent or to the actual reality of
“letting go” of their children when it is time to make the transition.
So even the best-intentioned parent loses his or her cool from time to
time. And some parents engage in negative conflict up to and including
name-calling during every transition. While parents are able to work
through such unpleasant events after the fact, with friends,
attorneys, therapists, extended family members, and others in their
support system, their children are isolated with the emotions created
by witnessing the conflict between their parents. And the children
find themselves left with one of the parents and the child is feeling
afraid or uncertain how to talk about it. Some children feel they need
to lie to the parent about their true feelings because they are so
afraid of losing the parent’s love. Or the child may find him or
herself at school immediately following the parental conflict feeling
vulnerable and isolated and even embarrassed because they don’t know
who to talk to or how to talk about what is happening.
Supervised
exchanges shelter children from these unexpected incidents of parental tension
and conflict and the results end up positive for everyone:
A the children can learn, through practice, to go
back and forth between their two homes feeling safe and secure and
happy, knowing they will not have to deal with Mom and Dad seeing each
other or either parent seeing that the child is happy to see the other
parent;
B each parent is able to transfer their child
without worrying about negative experiences with the other parent and
feeling safer and more secure knowing that unsafe behavior will be
addressed and documented; and
C parents have time to cool down and learn to use
their support system when something does happen during the exchange
that upsets them.
Parents need calm and predictable time and practice with the new
situation just as much as the children do. Supervised exchanges
provide the space and distance from parental conflict which then gives
each parent the opportunity to learn how to deal with some strong and
challenging feelings without the presence of the other adult. That
means that the adults are available to fully focus on the needs of the
child during each transition.
Unfortunately, many parents don’t get the chance to adjust to a new
family structure and routine without the frequent disruption and
uncertainty inherent in having direct contact with the coparent. So
even minor and ordinary childhood incidents, like a bump on the head
from a playground accident that could just as easily have happened at
school rather than during time with the coparent, begin to turn into
accusations of neglect or even abuse. Left unchecked and
uninterrupted such accusations can develop into serious allegations,
repeated litigation, and increasing and even unresolveable conflict
between the parents. The availability of a trained professional who is
neutral on the merits of the case and available for support and
assistance to all members of the family, can fill the vacuum created
by insecurity and a lack of communication. The professional monitor
can help both parents feel more secure by providing immediate,
objective and factual information about concerns as they arise.
Some newly divided families do exchanges at police stations because it
is free, available and feels safe. As an attorney recently reported,
even physical assaults can occur in police parking lots because the
police do not actually supervise the exchanges. While the general
sense of a police presence may help parents feel safer, the situation
often feels more dangerous to the child because they know that police
deal with people who break the law and people who are not safe.
So the children approach the police station with one of two responses:
A fear that someone is in trouble and will or may be
arrested; and
B
the belief the judge thinks that one or both of
their parents are unsafe and needs the police to keep them in line.
These are not healthy messages to
convey to children and, again, the children may struggle internally to
make sense of it without the ability to talk about their fears and
beliefs with either parent.
Supervised
exchange is a way to ensure that everybody learns how to make transitions
between homes calmly and routinely, without uncertainty, uproar and
chaos. Supervision of the transition between Mom’s House and Dad’s
House, provided by a trained professional monitor who is neutral,
objective and child-centered, can bring that calm and routine to you
and your children.
Inexpensive supervised exchanges are available at San Diego’s Hannah’s
House 7 days a week with staffing by certified professional monitors.
Some independent monitors also offer the service at public settings
throughout the community. Hannah’s House information can be obtained
by calling (619) 294-9852 or emailing
.
Information on other supervised exchange monitors in the county can be
obtained by calling (619) 55-2100 and requesting a list from the
Family Court.
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