ABC's of Parenting: MNO
ABC: Action Before Conversation
DEF: Deliver Encouragement Frequently
GHI: Guide His/Her Independence
JKL: Just Keep Listening
PQR: Protect Quiet Routines
STU: Support Thoughtful Understanding
VWXYZ: Value What Xcites You Zealously
by Susan Griffin & Dennis Wong
Effective parenting doesn't just happen. Neither do good grades, good friends, good relationships, or a good life. Sure, sometimes luck and fate conspire to present us with a chance at something special. But for the most part, we create our good fortune by molding the natural opportunities that life offers us simply as a part of being human.
Growth and development are natural impulses. Research has shown that there are optimal times for learning language as well as emotional and physical skills. And it's parents who help mold these natural opportunities. The attentive parent notices when the infant is trying to hold his or her head up on their own. And that parent creates a structure in which the infant can safely practice. Now, the infant will learn the skill without the parental structuring, but that would be just physical. A parent who molds the natural opportunities also stimulates incredible development in the emotional and mental arenas as well.
The concept of molding natural opportunities is based on research about signs of readiness or interest in children. Parents can attend and actively listen for these signs, then structure the environment and activities in a manner that respects and validates them. A great example of this is toilet training. Parents struggle with this issue. And so do children. Self-control vs other-control. Some parents push their children too hard and too fast to gain self-control of toileting even when there are no signs of readiness. And some parents don't notice when their kids are interested.
If you've gotten this far in this article, I'll assume you're working hard to pay good-enough attention to your child's needs, interests, and signs of readiness. There are many ways for us to encourage and support our children. One of the best is books. Even better is story-telling. And it's easy to get started. Plan a field trip with your children. Take them to the children's book section of one of the large community-based bookstores and plan to spend an afternoon there with your children. Keep it unstructured and follow your child's lead. They'll let you know what they're interested in. And it can give you some wonderful ideas for molding natural opportunities as they present.
For example, many children are fascinated by dinosaurs, dragons and reptiles. While you may not be crazy about reptiles, they offer an inexpensive way to teach children about diversity, uniqueness, habitat, environment, and overcoming prejudice or fear. And you don't have to bring them into your home or even pay to go to the zoo. There are may pet shops that specialize in reptiles. And the staffs are usually happy to educate children and adults about them. Your trip to the bookstore could lead to a series of local field trips that teach and support your child's natural interests. And sometimes our child will challenge us to move outside our comfort zone.
Molding natural opportunities includes teaching our children to swim even when we don't know how because of our own fear. It includes finding a piano teacher we can afford even if we can't carry a tune in a bucket. It might mean asking the boss for a change of schedule to be at our childs soccer game when we have two left feet ourselves. It includes helping our children to develop positive relationships; learn to resolve conflicts; develop positive peer relationships and feel a part of the community.
Molding natural opportunities means putting our children's needs ahead of our own. It requires the difficult work of allowing our children to be completely different from us in some very important ways. The greatest challenge to our own values as a parent may come in the pursuit of supporting and respecting our child's authentic self-expression. But the committed parent does it because effective parenting is no accident.
Molding natural opportunities means being able to understand our children as separate, unique individuals and helping them to form relationships to the world with their own personalities, interests and vision. Just as we learn more about relating to them at many levels, they learn to broaden and deepen their perspective in relation to others. It means sharing with them what is basic and genuine to us, and guiding them into the opportunities that are unique to their world, their lives and their experience.
Susan Griffin is a speaker, consultant and writer. For more information on Susan's availability to work with your organization, please contact her at: