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Dear Dr. Simon:
stays at my house Thursday, Friday, Saturday and every other Sunday. My Ex
wants custody of my daughter Monday through Friday saying that My daughter
needs to be with her all week. My daughter is 11 years old. I live about a
half mile from my ex and also have a 16 year on son that lives with me
fulltime. We have been doing this schedule for about 3 years now. I think
it is important to be involved with he through the week. She is only here
one school night (Thursday). My ex says that an 11 year old girl needs to
be with her mother and that the research says it is better. I would like
your opinion.
Thanks concerned Dad
Dear Dad:
year old is a priori better off with a same-sex parent. However, it is true
that as children become young men and young ladies, they, themselves, tend
to express a desire to be primarily in one household (primarily so their
friends will know where to find them!) and it also tends to be the case that
the child tends to express the desire to be with the same sex-parent. In my
experience, your daughter is a bit young to be subject to this typical
desire but of course all children are different and individual. And, in
general, I tend to agree with you that it is a great idea for each parent to
have some time with a child during the school week so that they can be
active, involved and supportive of the child's academic and extra-cirricular
efforts.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been recently visiting my father for 4 yours now. Most
visitations plans work except when every year he demands for more and takes
my mom to court. 4 years later I am now 14 and at the last visitation
modification trial my mom gave everything too him out of tiredness. He now
gets every weekend,holiday, or anyday im not in school. I'm 14 so now im
going to get a small job for extra money. I also want more time to spend
with my friends. When I tell him im not coming because im worikng or wann
hang with friends he get angry that i chose that over him. He also smokes. I
feel that he doesn't feel the burden of real parenting and doesn't no he
can't play "daddy" all the time and have playtime. My mom is reluctant to go
to court because she thinks i won't get the visitation lowered. So now im
stuck between an easily angered, smoking father who doesn't know how to make
good parenting choices or no job or friends and being a little kid for the
rest of my teens.
Please help
Dear Kyle:
belongs more and more to you and you have ideas for how you'd like to spend
your time that are very very important. I understand that you want to make
choices with regard to your whereabouts and I think that as a 14 year old,
your input should be given a good deal of weight. However, if you are
afraid that your dad will get angry and you aren't ready to deal with and
handle this anger, then perhaps you aren't yet mature enough to make
decisions with regard to your whereabouts. It is my experience that
beginning around age 14, courts tend to give the child a lot more say and
control with regard to where they spend their time. My suggestion - tell
your father exactly how you feel and don't be afraid of his anger. You
might also want to remind him that forcing you to spend time with him is no
way to build a good father-son relationship and only breeds resentment and
anger.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
doing what she wants or says OK and then does it anyway. She has started
lying, backtalking, arguing about everything and throwing major tantrums.
I've been divorced from her dad since her 1st birthday. I remarried 2 years
ago and now have a 1 year old daughter. Her dad just remarried 2 months
ago. Her behavior got bad for a short time when I first got married, but
nothing like this. I've tried rewards, loss of privileges or toys,
pleading, spanking. I try to be consistent. What else can I do??? I think
the new wife gives in easily as she is trying to find her place in the
family. Unfortunately, my daughter spends half her time with her so I can't
shield her from that (she spends 3 weeks with each of us and then switches
as we live 6 hours apart). Is this normal 4 year old behavior or is it due
to the adjustments she's having to make? She wasn't thrilled about giving
up her daddy to a new wife. I'm at my wit's end.
Dear Mom:
I'm bothered by the fact that instead of trying to come together to
understand this child, you seem to want to blame your child's father and his
new wife for what is going on. Of course, I can't tell exactly why your
daughter is doing what she is doing. I can tell you that certainly she is
underdoing an adjustment with her father hving recently married. Also, I'm
concerned that the child sharing plan you have for your child is extremely
difficult for a four-year-old to handle emotionally. Three full
uninterrupted weeks away from either parent seems an extraordinarily long
period of time. Yes, I realize that you and your child's father live six
hours from one another. However, to make the child the victim of this
geographic reality by dividing her up the way you are just doesn't seem to
be child-centered - instead it seems to be an attempt at adult-oriented
"fairness". So, let's not blame here. Let's try and understand the many
factors that might be impacting this child and try to come together to
address them. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
also has another son, and a soon to be step daughter. Our son is 5 his other
son is also soon to be 5 and the soon to be step daughter is 7 or 8. My
problem is this, the relationship between myself and my sons father is not
the best. When our son goes to visit him I expressed a concern for the fact
that he lived in a small 2 bedroom trailer and there would not be adequate
room for all of the children in the small bedroom. I requested at bare
minimum that our son at least have his own bed when visiting. On many
occasions I asked him and he stated to me that he did have his own bed. Now
I have found out that he is either sharing a bed with his brother or he is
sleeping on a fold out couch.
summer and I do not feel that our son is having enough room to feel he
belongs there instead of just a visitor. A child needs his own things a
strange environment to make him feel comfortable and there simply isn't
enough room for the 4 of them in the small trailer. When I call to talk to
him he always asks me to come and pick him up and how much longer he has to
stay and if I can hardly wait to get him. A 5 year old should be more
excited about playing not wanting to come home.
conditions improve I fear for his safety and that of the other childrens as
well. Three children is a room about 7X 7 surely can not be acceptable by
child safety acts.
Please give me your advice as soon as possible.
Sincerely, Melissa
Dear Melissa:
distress about the situation with your son. No parent likes to hear their
child sounding unhappy and asking for a change in their situaiton.
Nevertheless, I can imagine a number of reasons that your son might complain
about what is going on that might not have to do with his being quite as
unhappy as you believe he is. For example, I suspect that your son knows
that YOU do not like the situation. Perhaps, in part, he complains because
he believes that doing so is akin to being "loyal" to how you feel. He
could be worried about you being lonely when he is at his father's home. Of
course, he could also be very unhappy there. I just want you to encourage
you not to jump to conclusions about exactly what is going on. With regard
to the bed/sleeping situation, sure you want your son to have his own bed.
Sure that's optimal. That's what I want for my kids too. However, please
remember that many children grow up sharing a bed, sleeping on a couch and
so forth. Sadly, not every child is fortunate enough to have their very own
sleeping area.
child go to visit his father for 4-6 weeks or not. That's a legal matter.
You need legal advice on this. I can tell you that if he does go, you need
to be positive, you need to encourage him, you need to do everything you can
to mask your own anxiety and you need to be very clear with your son that it
is fine with you that he goes and enjoys his time with his father and
brother.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
year old son every weekend. He lets him sleep with him and his girlfriend
of a month or so. I feel this is inappropriate parenting and he says its
just fine and nothing wrong with it. I asked him if his girl could stay at
her own home those two nights and he said no and that he could maybe make a
bed on the floor for our son. I absolutely don't like this either. He
tells me I am overreacting and being very silly.
Please, Please tell me your opinion.
Thank you.
Kathy
Dear Kathy:
begin with. More importantly, I think that your very young son needs time
to make the transition/adjustment to the reality of his parents getting
divorced before either parent forces a new relationship upon him in quite
this way. If the father insists on having the girlfriend spend the night,
at least your son should have his own place to sleep and preferrably not on
the floor in the same room with his father/girlfriend but in a separate
room.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
boyfriend here in Arizona. He has three children who currently live in
California but are moving to Illinois. These three children are living with
me and my boyfriend for the moment, for their visitation with their father.
The mother, who has primary custody, seems to want to dictate if I can be in
these children's lives. Can she do this? She threatened to try to have me
arrested for kidnapping, which I didn't since I had my boyfriends permission
to drive the children to daycare. Can she do this? I am fearful and don't
want to do anything illegal, but she is insanely jealous of me, and dictates
how the children can spend the visitation with the father. What should I
do? What can I do legally if anything?
Dear Writer:
won't give you any legal advice. I can tell you, however, that what you are
experiencing is surprisingly common. After divorce, it so often happens
that when a parent begins a new relationship, the other parent feels
concerned, upset or somehow threatened by the presence of another adult in
the lives of the children. So often, all kinds of outlandish threats,
ultimatums and statements are made which tend to be purely emotional. In
terms of managing such a problem, I advise that you don't overreact or get
too overly concerned. Don't take the bait and don't feel that you have to
respond to each statement or provocation. Just go about your business, do
what you do in your home and in so doing using your good decision making and
you won't fuel the fire. Give the situation time to calm down. Of course,
if the mother does take some inappropriate action, you can consult an
attorney and see what you can do legally.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
9 weeks pregnant. I have a son that is 4. My fiance' has a little girl that
is 8, the only problem is that she is not biologically his. She has no idea
about her real dad nor does he know about her. Her mother doesn't see
anything wrong with this and doesn't see it as lying. She does not ever want
to tell her. I believe that right now is the best time to tell her before we
get married and before we tell her about the baby. She's at an age where she
will understand the concrete facts but not yet old enough to understand
fully and hold a grudge. Also we won't build her up by telling her all this
news and then tear her world down later, she will already know the truth. I
think we need to tell her before she developes a sense of self, if we wait
until she is older I believe she'll suffer more and not trust us. I refuse
to lie to my children and believe that we would be starting a cycle that
doesn't need to exist. I am so stressed out and cry almost every day. This
is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but deep down
I can't live a lie, especially to children. My fiance' is very understanding
but is scared that he will never get to be part of her life if he tells her
the truth. He's afraid her mother will be so angry that she won't let him
see her anymore and there is no seeing eye to eye with this woman we have
tried. Can we tell her the truth now? Your advice is very much
appreciated!!!!!
Dear Stepmom To Be:
information is as early as they can comprehend it and in a form that is
developmentally appropriate for them. You are right to be concerned about
the child's identity development. That is a clear concern. However, ther
"right" time to do this is also a time when the adult(s) involved are also
comfortable and ready. Your fiancee may not be ready.
ex-wife may not be the best but I am sure that both want what they believe
is best for the child. I would suggest that the child's parents sit down
with a qualified child psychologist and get the advice of this expert as to
what would be best for the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have primary placement, with her visiting her father every other weekend.
I am currently a stay-at-home mom. Both myself and my former spouse are
re-married, and have welcomed new children into our families. This summer,
he asked if she could spend the majority of one month with him, allowing her
to visit me two of the four weekends. After agreeing to try this, he then
asked if it were "fair" that he have to pay the state-ordered child support
for that month. We live in Wisconsin. His reasoning is because she will be
with him the majority of the month, he shouldn't have to pay. Rather than
simply NOT paying or filing a formal change in the order, he wants to
withhold his portion of the 50/50 items he usually pays (medical bills,
camps, extracurricular activities, etc.) and is required to pay per our
divorce decree until that amount reaches the monthly support amount,
effectively negating that amount for that month. My husband and I do not
feel this is acceptable. Our budget, and monetary commitments, will not
change significantly during my daughter's absence for the month. We still
pay 100% of our mortgage, our family insurance, contributions to investments
we have for her education, etc. Am I being selfish if I tell him I don't
agree with his reasoning? Should I let him take it to the court to decide
and if so, is it worth it? We have tried to be amicable over the years, and
for the most part, I am the one always making concessions. Most recently,
he badgered me into reducing the initial amount of support by almost 40%,
and I don't want him to think that I am going to continue entertaining his
every whim and make changes every time he thinks it's necessary. I want to
do what's best for my daughter, and the money really isn't the issue.it's
the principal. What should I do? Thank you.
Dear Mom:
I can tell you that where I live, child support is computed with the issue
of summer vacations and extended time with one or both parents figured in.
With regard to the issue of medical expenses and camps and such, these are
usually parental obligations no matter what the time share or where the
child is located - at least that's how it works where I live.
attorney, I simply had to respond. My reason is simple. It really is
upsetting and so harmful to children with one or both parents tries to
equate time with money. Children need medical/dental care no matter where
they are. Supporting children, under all circmstances, is a moral
obligation. As a psychologist, I have to question the motive of a parent
who, upon being given "extra" time with a child, attempts to turn that into
a financial equivalent. This doesn't speak to love and compassion for a
child but, I fear, speaks to a self-orientation that isn't about the child
but is, instead, about the parent.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Simon,
My name is Nicci. Ive been battling with this ordeal I have been having
for about 3 years now. I myself have a 6 year old son. When my son was 2,
I met a nice man who also had a 1 year old daughter. Weve been talking
about getting married for a couple of years. We also have a child together
now. He is the love of my life but I hate his daughter. I cant stand seeing
her or hearing her voice. I dont want my feelings to come between us but I
just cant stand the little girl. Her mom really didnt bring her up right,
or maybe its just not the way I brung up my son. Anyways I've been trying
to get past the hate I have for her but I've had no luck. At one time when
I first met him a liked her but then when I got pregnant with our child
almost 2 years ago I started disliking her and now its to the point of hate,
which I know is not good. PLEASE help!
NICCI
Dear Nicci:
the word "hate" as you do, it scares me. I mean, we are talking about
little children here! How can you possibly hope to raise your own children
in a positive and loving manner when you allow yourself to spew hatred
towards a child as young as six years old? My solution? Get some therapy
for yourself RIGHT NOW and look into what it is inside of you that hurts as
badly as it does that results in your feeling hatred towards a little child.
You won't be able to do right by either of your own children, let alone your
boyfriend or his child with the problems you struggle with inside of
yourself.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
two daughters who live with there mother. They are 13 and 11. I get along
with his girls very well most of the time. I am very concerned about the
physical closeness he and his 13 yr. old have. He has always been very
cuddly, etc. with his girls and they would often sleep in the same bed with
him. I didn't think much of this untill now, because they are getting older.
In the last 6 months or so the physical closeness with his oldest daughter
has increased to a point of being very uncomfortable to me. When she is here
visiting, i feel like i am being replaced in every way except sexually. They
cuddle on the couch together, hold hands, and she even puts her leg over on
top of his leg. She has to sit or be near him as much as she can. I recently
was out of town for the night and i found out that she slept with him in his
bed. She acts like his girlfriend or wife more than his daughter. I have
never seen other 13 year old girls act this way with their father. I know
that a girls first crush can sometimes be with their father but, i also know
that the father should set those boundaries. When i talk to him about this
he is very defensive and says that he does'nt get to see his girls very much
(they live 5 hours away). He also thinks that i am jealous of his daughter
and that i am being hard on her. Could you please give me some advice on how
to handle this.
ThankYou
Dear Girlfriend:
with you and what you are and are not comfortable with. Tell him that you
feel pushed aside when his child is there. Tell him what your limits are
and what you will and will not tolerate. Leave the rest to him. Thank you
for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
ages 11, 9, and 6. My 9 year old son has just asked me who wanted the to
get the divorce, you or Mommy. (It was his mother who wanted it.) I don't
know how to answer his question. Please help.
Thanks
Bob
Dear Bob:
separation/divorce, the failure of marriages are always the responsibility
of both parents. Regardless of who "wanted" the divorce, both parents have
to share responsibility for a marriage that comes apart. Therefore, it is
best to explain to children that sometimes parents stop seeing eye-to-eye
and that they believe it is best for them to no longer be together. Remind
the children that both parents love them very much and that it is important
to you that they love both of you. When you tell your children who "wanted"
the divorce, you begin to involved them in a cycle of blame which only leads
to hurt and unnecessary conflict for them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
sons that are teenagers and one daughter that is five years old. Custody is
jointly shared between mother and father. My question deals with the
daughter. Whenever she visits her mother, she comes home wearing clothes
that are sometimes three sizes to small, and is worn out with holes.
Usually it is something she can't wear again. When her father puts anything
worthwhile on her, the mother keeps it. He is constantly having to buy
clothes and shoes to dress his daughter in. The two parents live at least
an hour apart and they meet in between for the switch, so if shoes are not
put back on his daughters feet, he is just out of luck.
Sometimes if the mother doesn't have anything in a hurry to put on her
child, she will put boots on her, even in very hot weather or no shoes when
it is cold. The daughter will wear the same nice outfit her dad puts her in
the whole time she is with mother and in the car on the way back the clothes
are switched to something worn out for the return. (The boys tell us this.)
For the most part, the daughter comes back dirty and ragged looking. He has
confronted the mother about it, but she just ignores it by continuing the
practice. Will he always be buying clothes and supplying the mother? There
is no child support from the mother, so he buys clothes for all four
children. How can he stop this ongoing problem?
Baffled Friend
Dear Friend:
hear often, believe it or not. Let me tell you what has been of help for
other folks. The parent who is not getting clothing back simply keeps track
of the clothing he/she sends on the child when the child goes with the other
parent. A copy of this is kept and a copy is given to the other parent.
When the child comes back, the parent notes what the child is wearing. At
the next exchange, an updated list is given that includes what came back
with the child, what is being returned with the child, dates of the exchange
an so forth. This tends to impress on the "irresponsible" parent that the
other parent is quite serious about the problem and tends to support more
appropriate behavior. I'm interested in input from other readers about what
has worked for them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a single mother of two. My daughters are 5 and 2 years old. My
husband and I divorced last year and it was a peaceful separation (at least
to the children). We have both maintained a civil relationship with each
other and he does see the children on a regular basis. Both children
primarily live with me. Right now I am having difficulty with my oldest
daughter who believes the world owes her something. She has become
extremely ungrateful and unappreciative of everything she has or does not
have. Now I know to some extent this is normal for a child of 5. I am also
aware that she has nothing to compare it to. She has never done without
anything. My children have everything they need and most of everything that
they want. I have taken things away from her, I have (with her unwilling
participation) packed up some of her toys and we have taken them to a needy
child so she may see that there are other children out there that have it
worse than she. None of this seems to be effective. I do not know how to
make her understand that this world doesn't revolve around her. When I try
to explain this, I end up angry and feel like it's a slap in the face. Her
father and I work very hard to provide and provide well for them.
How do you teach a 5 year old to be thankful for two parents that love her
unconditionally and for a roof over her head, food in her stomach, great
schools and love???
HELP!
Distressed Mother.
Dear Distressed Mother:
This is not the typical kind of question I answer on my website but I
really thought that your question begged for a response. Simply put,
children don't gain a sense of entitlement unless they are taught how to
have one! Rather than "explaining" to her that the world doesn't revolve
around her, change your parenting to show her that this is the case. And,
if you are getting mad when you try to talk to her, that means that what you
are saying or how you are saying it isn't appropriate. The solution, mom,
starts with you in this case.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
I have tried locating a similar question on your fabulous website but
was unable to; thus hear I am. I am a divorced father with 2 daughters
ages 9 and 7 and have visitation rights every weekend from Friday night
until Monday morning. I am currently involved in a long-distance
relationship with a beautiful and caring woman, Jen, for almost 2 years. My
children have only seen pictures of Jen and I would like everyone to meet in
person. I am considering a vacation and I am stuck wondering what is
appropriate for sleeping arrangements. I have been divorced for 6 years and
I have not dated until now so this is new to me. Is it ok for my children
to see Jen and I sleep in the same bed?
Thankyou,
Erik
Dear Erik:
Thanks for writing and thanks for your complilment. This is a question
that is complex because there are always issues of morality that come into
play. Morality, of course, is subjective and highly individual. From a
psychological point of view, I think with children the ages of your
daughters that it may be prudent not to share a bed with your girlfriend
during their first time meeting one another. My sense is that you want to
stay very focused on the girls and make it clear to them that they are the
priority in this visit and that their feelings come first. I think sharing
the bed, at this point, could communicate something other than this to them.
I hope this helps!!! Enjoy the visit.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
My ex has found a new love in Mexico and has decided to move from
California and to give primary physical custody to me of our 3 1/2 year old
son. She is wanting to have visitation / timeshare during a few weeks in
the summer and a week every other Christmas. She also wants the timeshare
to include our son travel to Mexico. She also wants to retain share legal
custody, and does not want or feel the need to pay child support or any part
of the the daycare cost.
My intuition says that I am okay with the non-payment of child support
and daycare cost. What I am struggling with is the idea of my son traveling
to Mexico during her timeshare period, and her retaining any legal custody.
I would prefer that I have sole custody, and limit her timeshare to include
travel anywhere outside of California.
I believe that shared parenting, and joint legal custody or what ever
you want to call it is the way to raise our son when two parents live in the
same area. However, when one parent decides to leave the child, and moves
to another state or country, doesn't want to pay for the expenses of the
child, and doesn't want to be a part of the day to day life of their child,
then I believe that it is best for the child that the non-custodial parent
not have any legal custody. I think that it is important for both parent to
have a relationship with their child. But when one parent choose not too --
other than to have mini-vacations, then I think that it should be up to the
custodial parent to soley decide where and when the child may have the
timeshare with the non-custodial parent.
A loving and caring father
Dear Caring Father:
It really doesn't matter what you "believe" should happen here. What
matters is what the law says and what the law says should happen. It
worries me whenever a parent finds a new love and moves away since this
means that the child will be separated from a parent. While there are
situations where this can't be helped, it usually is something the parent
chooses and in so doing, that parent is putting their needs/desires in front
of what is best for the child. In my book, this isn't how one parents.
Nevertheless, like it or not, the law lays out what the parental rights are
and are not and it is very hard for me to imagine the basis on which your
child's mother should relinquish her legal parental rights or give control
of the child's whereabouts to the other parent. In my experience, things
don't work like that.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
future together. He has been struggling with introducing me to his 3 girls
(15, 9, 7) because the oldest daughter says that as long as I am around her
parents will not get back together. She is angry about meeting me and my
boyfriend is afraid that she will hate him for it. She has not met me and
already hates me. Her parents have been split for 6 years now. His own
childhood experience with the death of his mother at age 12 is a horrible
one. He was adopted as an infant and when his mother died his father
remarried 1 year later and basically his new stepmother wanted nothing to do
with him and his sister so he ran away at
16 and they sent him to boarding school. He was not welcome home on the
weekends. His stepmother told him that his father picked her over him. He
does not want his children to feel one ounce of what he felt. The situation
with me is completely different but he can't help but still be afraid. Is
this an impossible situation? I feel like it is.
Thank you for your forum,
Liz
Dear Liz:
fears when it comes to introducing their children to a new love interest.
It seems that you have some insight into the developmental dynamics attached
to your boyfriend's fears and from what you describe, they are deeply rooted
and long-standing.
relationship with you enough to begin approaching his fears? You may be in
a situation that isn't impossible so much as it is complex and will take a
good deal of time to work through. Were I in your situation, I'd be very
clear with my boyfriend about what I feel, what my limits are and discover
whether he appears ready to take small steps towards resolving the matter in
a way that benefits one and all. I wish you luck and best wishes with this.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
and I have one (21). The two youngest, a 16 year old son and 14 year old
daughter visit every other weekend. He drives 3 hours round trip to pick
them up and then take them home after the visit - their mother will not
assist with the transportation.
with one another. Recently, she has become very needy and if he is in the
kitchen working she will come and put her arms around his neck and stay
there while he works. If he is sitting in a chair, she will get on her
knees beside the chair and drape herself across his lap, put her head on his
shoulder and stroke his hair. Is this appropriate for a 14 year old girl?
When I expressed my concern over this behavior, my husband blew up and said
I'm trying to dictate his affection with his daughter.
Please help me.
Dear New Stepmom:
transition with their father having re-married. Yes, even teenagers feel a
sense of loss when a parent re-marries because they now have to "share" the
parent with someone else and accept someone new into the family. When you
speak with your husband, please make sure that you do so in terms of concern
about his child versus being critical of her or of him. If he is
unreceptive, back off, breathe and relax and give everyone time to adjust.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
crisis. He has lived with me most of his 7 young years while visiting with
his mother only when she made him come to her house. For the last 6 months
my nephew has stayed at my home, I have fed him and bought clothes and made
sure all his necessities were met while the only contact he had with his
parents was about once a week when he was made to go home. Recently he has
started saying he wanted to live with me all the time and just visit his
parents occassionally. when I asked him why, he replied that mom sleeps all
the time and daddy can only play with sister. When he spoke of this to his
parents, his father decided the he had gone too far at this time and
demanded he come home and not spend another night with this family.
So now every time I see him he starts crying and just holds to me and bawls.
will always have a place to stay with me, but his parents love him and miss
him terribly. I have spoken with his parents to try to ease this
transition, but they say he is young and will get over it. Please advise.
Dear Aunt:
simple way to help this young man cope that I can think of. What you are
doing sounds right on target - that is to reassure him that you love him,
that his own family loves him and miss him and to assure him that you will
always be there for him. Certainly, he needs a good deal of time to make
the adjustment so please give it time. I would also try to sit down with
his mom and dad so that you can all team up and work together for his best
interest - this will absolutely be supportive of him and will assure him
that he is loved by everyone. I hope this helps and I wish all of you well.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.
Simon:
wondering if you could help me with a problem. My husband and I have
custody of his two sons. In the beginning (12 years ago) they were with
their mother (with every other weekend with us) until
1995 when their mother wanted them to come live with us full time. Which we
did. In 2002 she then determined that she wanted them with her every other
week which we alos did mainly because that is what the boys wanted and their
ages. One month ago - she decided that she wanted the boys with us again
full time and she would see them on weekends when possible.
(who is just shy of 15 at this point). He has always had a very bad temper
and has the problem of blaming everything on everyone eles - even when it is
obviously something he has done wrong. He has never listened to reasonable
requests about counseling. There is constant fighting and he is verbally
abusive to myself and his father. Now that he is back full time things have
gotten worse. He fights with either his father, me or both of us every
night. He throws things, slams things and curses. I am at a loss as to
what to do - no amount of taking priveleges away or anything else has helped
- he just doesn't care. He has completely disrupted our home life and I am
afraid he will start to become physically abusive. My concerns are not so
much for myself or husband but for our 4 year old daughter.
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions that you may have.
Sincerely - L.
Dear L:
that there may be several things to think about when understanding this
problem. First, this young man clearly has had inconsistency in his life
vis-a-vis parenting plans and probably, therefore, attachment and trust. At
this age as he seeks to define who he is and become his own person, it is
not surprising that with this history he brings a good deal of impulsivity
and anger to the developmental challenge. From what you say, it seems that
his mother may also be somewhat impulsive, unstable and angry by nature.
This makes me wonder whether there may not be a genetic component to this
behavior which may reflect a psychiatric problem such as depression or
bipolar disorder. Please be clear - I am NOT diagnosing this youngster but
pointing out that it certainly sounds well worth it to have him properly
evaluated by a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist and then take it from
there. In the mean time, be very clear, consistent and predictable with
limits, rewards, consequences and expectations with this young man. Do not
debate these or negotiate them and be sure to offer him ample incentive to
cooperate and get along.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have been married for 11 years raising my spouse's son as my own. We
decided against adoption since the child's natural parent had given up their
rights several years ago. My son has never known his biological parent.
However the relationship has deteriorated and I asked my spouse for a
divorce. My spouse now claims that if I go through with the divorce, I will
never be able to see my son again. I feel as if I am being held hostage. If
I leave I could lose my relationship with my son.
What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
It always saddens me when children are used as pawns in struggles
between parents. Alas, this something that happens a great deal and is
something that otherwise good parents are vulnerable to. One can only hope
that your husband, in a fit of anger, made these statements to you but, in a
calmer moment, will realize that following through on this threats are not
best for your son.
do in this situation. One thing that I would do if I were you would be to
get a good legal opinion on the matter and see if you might have some
custodial rights despite the fact that you are not a legal parent.
Otherwise, I would strongly suggest that you consult with a therapist to
more directly sort out your feelings and options. Finally, give yourself
and your husband time to cool down and more carefully consider what is best
for the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear
Dr. Simon,
My boyfriend and I have been friends for seven years and we have
been dating for three. We began dating while he was separated from his
wife. She was somewhat amicable in the divorce process until she found out
he was dating me, seven months after he moved out. Unfortunately, she then
became very angry and bitter, assuming he had been having an affair while
they were still living together. Meanwhile, my boyfriend does what he can
not to make waves with her. They have two adorable children, ages 8 and 5,
whom live with their mother. He sees them once a week and every other
weekend. In the last couple years, the children have grown very fond of me.
I love them dearly as well, and sometimes wish I could contact them in
various ways when I miss them. For instance, this week his daughter had a
medical procedure performed while in her mother's care. Her father went to
visit her in the clinic and I asked him to bring a little note on scratch
paper from me wishing her well. She was so excited about it that she wanted
to show her mother. Unfortunately, her mother was not so pleased and told
her that she had to return it to her father. His daughter was visibly
saddened. My boyfriend told me what happened and asked me not to send them
little notes anymore. I felt horrible that my small gesture actually hurt
his daughter by putting her in the middle (in the doctor's office, of all
places!) So my question is how do I show the children I care without making
them feel uncomfortable when they are not at their dad's home? Or is my
boyfriend right - this something that I shouldn't be doing?
Thank you
Hello:
It is unfortunate that a note from you should cause such a stir. If
writing such a note places the child in an untenable situation, then your
best move is to recognize this and choose not to engage in actions that
place the child in a situation in which she has to deal with such forces of
conflict. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with your sending
the note and if I were your boyfriend, I would stand up to my ex-wife and
let her know that she has to learn to deal with the fact that I am now in a
relationship with you. Perhaps you and your boyfriend need to talk more
about what is an dis not appropriate, what the boundaries need to be and
help him detach yet another notch from his former wife.
Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
longer actually, but she was married...now separated). My 10 year
old son has only meet her a handful of times. I just received an email
today from my ex stating the girlfriend will be moving in
with him. He says that he has talked to my son about it, and that he is
fine with it. However, my son tells his Dad what he wants
to hear. He is afraid of upsetting his Dad. When Dad hears things he
doesn't like, he walks away, leaves. My son has had a stomach ache for two
weeks now and we can't figure out why. I asked his father today when he
told our son about this, he said two weeks ago. I think my
son is upset about this but doesn't want to rock the boat. My ex was
furious when I mentioned that the stomach could be related
to this situation. Am I wrong in thinking it is too soon for the girlfriend
to be moving in?
Dear Mom:
too soon for this to happen, then in your opinion, it is too soon. The
thing is that the choices of what goes on in the father's home and life are
the father's, not yours. You can talk to him about your concerns but
ultimately, these are his decisions to make, right or wrong. I know...you
want to protect your child and feel it is your job to do so but what can you
really do in this situation? Just be the best mom you can be in your home
and let you son know that you recognize his feelings. You can try and help
your son become more assertive and willing to talk with his father about
what is on his mind but, again, you can't make him do that either. Divorce
is always hardest on the kids and this is another example of that,
unfortunately.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hi Dr. Simon:
have had joint custody of our sons, now 21, 16, 14 years old. They stay at
my home 2 days a week and his home 2 days and then every other weekend. We
live within blocks of each other so they go back and forth as they please.
About 3 months ago my 16 year old came to me and said that he is not going
back to his fathers house and wants to stay with me and his step-father full
time. He refuses to speak with his father at all. The problem is his
father is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling and I guess my son
reached his limit...been there done that...my other 2 sons can deal with
their fathers behavior better than he has...kind of like he was the easiest
target to control...I still wish they could work something out to have some
type of relationship but my son says he's not ready. I'm having a terrible
time trying to deal with all of this. His father questions me about why he
won't talk and then gets defensive and we start arguing then Mamma Bear
really comes out and I'm in the middle again. Part of me feels terrible for
his father and another part feels that he is getting everything he deserves.
I just keep supporting my sons feelings in the matter and let him decide
when he's ready and have started taking him to a psychologist to maybe help
him sort things out but I feel like we're getting nowhere fast.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Dear Mama Bear:
things to support your son at this point. At age 16, he certainly is old
enough to have a major say in his whereabouts. I would only suggest that
you not do his bidding for him and try and avoid conflict with his father
over this. Simply deflect and explain to the father that you understand his
concern and his pain but that you can't and won't do your sons communication
for him. It is great that you've taken him to a therapist. Allow this
professional to work with your son and help your son become ready to
communicate with his father.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
has been in abusive relationships, gone to jail, doesn't pay child support
even though he is court ordered to do so, doesn't have a job, became sober
and converted to Catholicism all for the love of women. My son is 9 and his
dad has been in his life (when it has been most convenient for him) since my
son was 4 almost 5. His dad doesn't make parent nights at school, forgets
to pick him up for school, changes visitation times at the last minute,
etc...I have since remarried and have another child. I have sole custody of
my son.
certain movies because we feel they are inappropriate and he tends to get
scared at many images that are shown on the screen these days. My son's dad
knows which movies we feel are inappropriate...we have discussed them...he
disagrees and my son comes home and is upset because his dad let him watch a
movie that we have said 'no' to on many occasions. I call his dad and have
to leave a message - I explain to my son that I'm not upset with him, I'm
upset with his dad. I feel like his dad pits me against my son and doesn't
really consider my son's feelings or how he will react to this movie later
on...which by the way, will be nightmares, not being able to get to sleep,
etc...
sure not the last time. My son comes home afraid that I'm going to be mad
at him and at his dad...while he is with his dad, he can't say 'no' to the
movie because his dad sees nothing wrong with letting him see the movie.
than what is being told...it is just hard to convey in an email. I would
just like to know how can you argue with an idiot?
What's your advice?
Thanks.
Dear Mom:
This is another one of those situations in which a parent is
concerned about the judgement of the other parent but essentially cannot do
anything about it. I can tell you that courts are reluctant to micromanage
parental behavior in a fashion that has the court directing what types of
movies can and cannot be seen. Your job in this situation is to reinforce
with your son that it is OK for him to tell his father what he feels good
about seeing and what he doesn't feel good about seeing. Your job is also
to inform the father about how you see your son reacting, what your concerns
are about your son's feelings and how you find your son's best interests are
served in your home. There is really no point in being too critical of the
father to his face because he is likely to reject the criticism and this may
only harden the point of view that you are concerned with. I know it is
hard but in divorce and co-parenting, the simple truth is that there are
things that go on in the other home that you can't really do anything about
and this is a fact of the child's life and reality. There is no point in
aruging with an idiot, as you put it, so don't. Provide information,
alternatives and recognize what you can and cannot do something about.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter has just divorced after 20 years of marriage. She has
two daughters, 4 and 10. Her ex husband lives 4.5 hours away. He gets the
girls every other weekend. They (the girls) miss their mother so much when
they are away from her, probably because of the upsetting divorce,( their
mom's decision). They cling to her when they are with her. Now my daughter
is planning a vacation for 7 days with her new boyfriend and without the
girls. It will be the week before my vacation and I will be watching the
girls. My daughter refuses to come back early so my husband and I can turn
the girls over to her and peacefully go on our trip. She wants me to turn
them over to their dad and I know they will be even more upset seeing me go
away after seeing their mom go away also. I am so upset about the whole
thing. Their dad is a great guy and loves them very much but has remarried
also and they don't know his wife well yet.
Thanks for the help.
Gail
Dear Gail:
It sounds to me like these two young girls, for some reason, have
developed and unrealistic and probably unhealthy dependency upon their
mother. If, as you say, their father is a great guy, it is odd that they
miss their mother so much when they are away from her for weekends.
Something is not quite right here and I have no idea what it is, of course.
In any event, it sounds like your daugther has it right - having you hand
off the girls to their dad before you leave. This would be "normal" given
that mom is gone too and this simply normalizes things. Of course, you are
a grandparent and a volunteer babysitter. Therefore, you have the right to
do what you feel comfortable with. While I see nothing inherantly wrong
with what your daughter plans, if you are uncomfortable, say so!
I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon :
I have a son who is 2 years old. His father and I divorced shortly
after he turned a year old. We have put our problems aside and focus on our
son. We will have times where I will call my ex-husband and see if he wants
to meet us at the park for lunch and playtime. He will call me and see if
we want to meet for breakfast. The trouble is I am worried that I am
sending the wrong signal to my son, even though he is only 2. His dad lives
with his girlfriend and there is no possible way that we will be reconciling
the relationship. I don't want my son to be confused about the time that I
spend with his dad. My question is should I stop doing things that involve
the three of us to keep my son from being confused or do you think this is
good for him to see that we don't hate each other.
Thanks,
Debra
Dear Debra:
able to show their children that they can get along, be friendly, cordial
and mutually supportive. Although it is rare, I know families in which the
divorced parents and the children even vacation together! Remember,
behaving the way you are behaving is quite different than divorced parents
who show romantic love between themselves in front of their children, who
spend the night in each other's homes (beds) and who behave like a couple
rather than what you are doing which is behaving like two parents with
separate lives who live your child and who can share time together with him.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
his daughter who will be turning 5 this June, every weekend. I spend alot
of time with her, just about every weekend. My boyfriend and I are moving in
together in 3 weeks. They thing is, his daughter does not know that I am his
girlfriend. She has never asked and we have never told. This last weekend
she heard her dad refer to his girlfriend and she had a fit, demanding to
know who his girlfriend was. My boyfriend just let it blow over. When do you
believe is the right time to tell her?? Also my second question is, she
sleeps in her moms bed everynight.. This is strange to me. She is almost 5
and will be starting kindergarden. Is this harmful to her mental well
being?? I find it odd. Not to mention it will make things difficult when she
stays at our new house, as I will not let her sleep in the bed with us. She
wants to sleep on the bedroom floor like she does now at her dads. I find
this to be weird. Please let me know.
Thanks, Stacy
Dear Stacy:
You question the actions of the child's mother while you and your boyfriend
are preparing to introduce a major change into her life without giving her
the basic information about what the change really is! Let me be more
direct: It is wrong for you and the child's father to begin living together
when the child has no idea that the two of you are in a relationship. How
do you expect her to made a positive adjustment when she is essentially
being lied to? Do you think that this builds trust or causes a child to
feel more distant and fearful? Before you and your boyfriend go around
criticizing the child's mother for her child rearing practices, look
carefully at what you are doing first.
Robert A Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
run into a situation that troubles me deeply. I have attempted co-parenting
with my ex-wife for the last 3 years, and the situation continues to more
troubling with each passing month. During this 3 year period of time I have
had one co-parenting class/session, and involved a licensed psychologist to
assist us with communicating issues regarding the children. Nevertheless my
ex-wife refuses to communicate on any issues regarding the children unless
it is her way only. Now my ex-wife refuses to communicate on any issue or
attend any further meetings with the family therapist, basically if I have
an issue I have to take it into court at her request.
court, which the psychologist strongly discouraged at our first meeting over
a year ago. My problem is the fact the mother has the children every other
week, and the oldest child is age 9 is having great difficulty focusing at
school for a number of reasons; their mother lives in a camper at a KOA, the
children have to get up at 5 am to go to the daycare center (and then become
lost in concentration in the afternoon), she punishes the children in a
matter that both the psychologist and the co-parenting counselors deemed
greatly inappropriate, basically you get the gist of things. The children
just want to spend time with each of the parents, and by taking this back
into court will just further emotionally upset their well being.
to decide which parent to be the primary custodian since co-parenting does
not work. Not matter what the decision results in I will accept, do you
feel that I am going in the right direction???
Best Regards,
Steven
Dear Steven:
great when the parents can communicate with one another reasonably well.
When they cannot, it is as if the children live in two separate and
disparate worlds. When children are young, this is very difficult for them
and therefore harmful for them. The research and my clinical experience
shows that this kind of shared parenting plan is not best for kids and in
such a situation, a parenting plan where the children spend the majority of
their time in one home tends to work better for the children. This is
because shared custody requries parental communicating, collarboration and
cooperative decision making, expecially when the children are young. From
what you say, this is not going on.
discouraged. However, there are times and circumstances when going to court
is the only alternative - when other options have been exhausted. It sounds
like you feel that you are at that point in your struggles with your
children's mother. I would strongly suggest that you make a final effort to
bring your children's mother "to the table" by letting her know that you are
frustrated, that the kids are struggling and that you will, if need be, take
legal action to promote their best interets although you would rather avoid
doing so. Assuming that you then have to press ahead with legal action, at
least you will have more of a clear conscience about what you are doing.
you the best.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have become more conscious about nudity issues, and try to encourage
privacy. This last weekend, she asked me if we could have a "together
bath". I thought about it for a while and finally decided there was nothing
wrong with that. I figured if she was curious about male anatomy, she is
better off learning in a non- threatening non-sexual way. Now, she has told
her mother about this and her mother has asked me to stop. Personally, I
would prefer not to bathe with her. On the other hand, I don't see my
daughter very much, and if this is a way of her feeling closer to me, I'm
not sure there's a good reason to deny her. As she grows older, I would
think/hope she would become less interested in "together baths" and prefer
to bathe privately. Any advice?
Thanks,
A Dad
Dear Dad:
experts. One's view on the subject is so easily influenced by many factors,
not the least of which are religion and culture. My counsel to you, the
father of a four year old child, is to follow your own sense of comfort.
There is no reason that you, a parent, should do something that makes you
uncomfortable, particularly when doing so is optional. There certainly are
many easy ways to tell your child that you won't be bathing with her that
will not give her the message that you do not wish to be close to her.
Follow your instincts - that is almost always the best parenting guide you
can have.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hello Dr. Simon:
have been married for 2 years, and are trying to have our "own" children. We
both are college educated and make a decent living, however where we live
the cost of living is extraordinary. We would like to move about 500 miles
away, to a much slower pace of life, and where we could afford to live and
have a better life. The natural father is in the picture and does have
visitation every other weekend. However does lag in the finance department.
I am just wondering your thoughts on the matter, and what possible effects
it could have on my stepdaughter? Thank you in advance for your time.
Jason
Dear Jason:
sense that a former spouse "lags in the finance department", I have to
wonder if the motive for moving away is really so pure. Moving a child 500
miles from one of their parents is a major step, particularly at such an
early age. The research so clearly shows that children do best when they
have regular frequent contact with each parent. While "moveaways" are
sometimes inevitable and can't be helped, whenever there is an option or the
moveaway is at all optinal, I counsel against it, especially when the child
is so very young.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr.
Doctor Simon:
My boyfriend and I have been separated for two years and we have a
four year old little boy. My problem is that he just got married and will
not allow me to meet his wife. She is left alone with my son and I am not
comforable with this. Do I have any rights at all to meet this woman, I am
the custodial parent and am at a loss, my son says he does not like this
woman and sometimes doesn't want to leave me to go to his father's. Please
help I need to know my rights.
Thanks,
Single mom 25
Dear Single Mom:
The question you ask is best directed to an attorney, not a
psychologist. As a psychologist, however, I find your ex-boyfriend's
behavior deplorable. When it comes to children and co-parenting, putting
the children's needs first is always crucial. For him to refuse to allow
you to meet his new wife, a woman who now cares for this young child, would
understandably make you anxious angry. Clearly, this is not at all good for
the child. Whether you have a right to meet her or not is not for me, a
psychologist to say. But his refusal, from my vantage point, is
inappropriate and upsetting.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have never told her about her real father. i have been married to another
man since she was 4 months old, so she thinks the man i am married to is
your real dad. I have kept in touch with her real dad through the years but
now he would like to met her and get to know her . How do I explain the
situation to her and make it so she does not hold anyone at fault for not
telling her this before now? Can you please help?
A confused mom
Dear Confused Mom:
sure of how your daughter will react. No doubt there'll be mixed emotions
and it would not surprise me if anger was in the mix. It may not be
realistic that she won't blame one/all of you at the outset or, perhaps, for
a period of time. If you all believe that she has right to know the truth
and you feel that this is the time to tell her the truth, your job is to do
so in as loving and supportive a way as you can, being prepared for a
variety of reactions. Understand, too, that you need to give her time to
process her feelings and that her feelings will evolve with time. Whatever
she feels, be patient, listen to her carefully, don't judge and don't try
and change them. Let her know that however she feels is understood and
accepted. That is always the first step to emotional healing and
acceptance.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
A recent argument with my husband has prompted me to write. He is divorced and has an eight year old son that we see once a week and every other weekend. I have known my step-son since he was three. I am very involved with my step-son's schoolwork and help maintain his classroom website. I was asked by his teacher if I wanted to volunteer to do the website after inquiring if they would have a website this year. My husband, when we are arguing, says that I am trying to compete with his ex-wife. I have never been in this situation before and I am just trying to do what I think is right. I make sure he does his homework, etc. I generally sign the homework folder and things like that. I don't do it out of competition, but just because it needs to get done. I guess my question is this: How much involvement is appropriate? My husband, when not angry, feels it is fine that I am doing all these things and doesn't have a problem with it. I just feel like I am getting mixed messages from my husband, and when he accuses me of competing, I feel like he is on the ex's side and not mine. My husband also told me that he does not want to talk about his ex-wife. I just don't feel that is healthy. She does a lot of things that we disagree with and I can't even vent to him about it. I feel like I should be able to talk to him about it. HELP!!!!
~Kay
Dear Kay: There really is no rule of thumb about how much involvement on the part of a step-parent is appropriate. This is a matter that has to be sorted out in each individual blended family. As I am sure you are learning, these are highly complex issues because they involve relationships that are not voluntary - relationships between step-parents and step-children and relationships between former spouses. It sounds to me like your husband isnt' comfortable with your level of involvement so I suggest that you clarify this with him and proceed according to that. It does worry me that he seems so concerned with the reactions of his former wife since this may speak to some remaining attachment between the two of them that needs to be resolved/worked out. You and your husband have to have a clear and unemotional conversation in which you clarify and agree to your role and level of involvement - after all since these are his children, it is really up to him to take the lead in these decisions. Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My 14yr. old son received a cell phone from his father & stepmother for his birthday a couple months ago. His father insisted that he have it by his side so that he could answer any time he called him even when he is at home, doing homework, etc.. My son got lax after a month or so and his dad started making him feel guilty by telling him they were starting to think they shouldn't of got it for him, as a result he started carrying the phone around in his pocket while in the house. Within 2 days the phone accidentally got washed and his father and step mom are expecting me to replace the phone to the tune of $200.00. I am being told that I am not a good role model to my son for not accepting the responsibility for ruining the phone. I am concerned about doing the right thing but do not feel as though this is my sole responsibility or if at all. If the phone is paid for by me I asked them to provide insurance so this won't be a problem in the future (they refuse). What's your opinion on the appropriate solution as far as role modeling & taking responsibility? I appreciate your input.
Marsha
Dear Marsha: The first thing I have to wonder about is what a 14 year old truly needs a cell phone for in the first place! Ceratinly, using it as a leash on a child, such as you describe his father does, is a very poor use for a cell phone at any age. If you ask me, the person who is responsible for the cell phone is the child! Since the phone was given to him by his father, it makes sense that the father decide how the child should be made responsible for the phone, particularly since you and your child's father never discussed the issue to begin with. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about what yoru son's father is saying to you about your role modeling and so forth. You need to make these assessments for yourself and not concern yourself with whether your child's father agrees or disagrees. Best wishes and thanks for writng.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I married four years ago, he with two boys, and I
with two girls. The girls have lived with us the whole four years. The boys
have lived with us and their mother off and on. A couple of months ago the
boys called for us to pick them up. There mother was put in jail, and is
still there. The youngest and the two girls have not been so much trouble
about adjusting. The oldest boy has, and it really seems to be getting out
of hand. He takes it upon his self to go to his girlfriends house, talk all
hours of the nite, and smokes (hiding it) and is very mouthy. My husband
lets him get by with this and changes rules when it comes to him. But with
the others it's not that way. I just don't feel it's right that he gets his
way all the time and the others get punished for what they do wrong. I've
tried explaining to my husband that this is really bothering me and is
making me sick. Then to top this off because of the job my husband had to
take to make ends meet he will be gone for months at a time leaving me with
the children. I'm just scared that things are going to really get ugly and I
am trying very hard to be fair and at the same time be the strict mother
that I am. What can I do to make this family be the Brady Bunch Family?
Sincerely,
Loving Stepmom
Dear Stepmom: The Brady Bunch was a fictional TV show. Real families just don't work that way. You need to adjust your expectations. Still, I can understand your concern that the rules are different for one member of the family than for everyone else. At the same time, no two children have the same needs and therefore no two children can be parented the same way. Nevertheless, some limits needs to apply to everyone in the family, especially rules of respect. It worries me too that your husband will be away for several months. You probably don't have the respect and authority in the eyes of his older son to truly be viewed as an authority by him. If I were you, I'd do everything I could to try and find a way for your husband to not have to leave. If this isn't possible, you need to clearly and specifically discuss the rules/expectations/consequences/rewards for behavior so that while he is gone, you can do what needs to be done if this son's acting out is creating difficulty for everyone else. By the way, be sure that the proper legal documents are in place giving you this kind of authority in his absence. Living in and raising a blended family isn't easy. Problems such as you are describing are actually quite common. The two boys need time to adjust to the change in their life, to work through their feelings about their mother's absence and to settle in with the new family. I'd be far less concerned if your husband wasn't leaving town. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have been divorced for 12 years now, my ex-wife and I have a 13 year old girl together. My ex-wife has remarried and has 2 children from her current marriage. I on the other hand never remarried. My daughter calls her step father "dad" which I wrestled with at first and came to peace with after a long struggle. I can count on one hand the amount of times that my ex has offered to pick up or drop off my daughter for visitation over the past 12 years. Just recently my "ex" enrolled my daughter in a private high school without consulting me. She went to "open house" with her husband and I found out after the fact. She continually engages in such activity such as signing her up for baseball without notifying me. I have felt over the years that she does not consider me a "fit" dad, although she has no reason to feel so. I love my daughter and I am always there for her. My ex "calls all the shots" concerning my daughters welfare and life path. My daughter has a great relationship with her step-dad and step siblings as well as her mother. I have consistently told my ex that I need to be informed of all such major decisions concerning my daughter but they have fallen on deaf ears. We had a brutal divorce and I am wrought by the notion of going back to court to ask the judge to tell my ex-wife to stop isolating me. Please give me your opinion on how I should proceed.
Dear Dad: I can empathize with your frustration about the situation you find yourself in. Since you are considering going to court to ask the judge to order your child's mother to "stop isolating" you, here are some things to ask yourself. First, would the cost, both emotional and financial, be worth the outcome? If you prevail and the Judge issues orders requiring you to be kept informed (by the way, I imagine that such orders are already in place in some fashion), would your child's mother keep you informed and if so, would she include you in decisions? Second, do you fundamentally agree or disagree with the nature of the decisions that she makes? If you believe that your former wife makes essentially good decisions for your daughter, then you have the comfort of knowing this and you therefore know that your daugther is fundmentally being well provided for. While I understand that this is not idea and does not address the hurt and anger you feel about being isolated, it is some measure of comfort. Remember that when going to Family Court, you have to weigh the possible benefits against the inevitable conflict that gets stirred and the results of this conflict - its impact on your child. That is always the bottom line. Best wishes and thank you so much for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
This is a unique one for you. I'm dating this woman who has been
separated for 5 yrs, 2 children, 7yr old girl and an 9 yr old boy. Their
dad lives in another town not too far away, I guess he is quite good to them
too, now the problem is that he doesn't let his children know about his
girlfriend so they are oblivious to the fact that mom and dad are not an
item. He is looking out for their best interest in his own way, I personally
don't believe that this deceit is the best route to take.
I told her to hold off on introducing me to them for I believe that
this would disrupt their stable environment. I know that the truth is what
is they need, but like I told her the best interest of the children has got
to be 1st. Is timing key to the success of our relationship? What steps
can be taken to ensure the children will not be hurt any more than
necessary?
thanks JH
Dear JH: How many times does it have to be said that lying to children only teaches them deception and lying? Kids don't need to know all of the details of why their parents split up nor of the nature of conflict that may take place between the parents. However, children certainly need to be given information that they can use and it seems to me that this is information they can use. I think it is best that both parents agree to tell children that they have split up. However, when one parent simply refuses to do so and the other parent believes that the children should be told the truth of their situation, tough decisions may need to be made. Bottom line...deception teaches deception. Best wishes and thanks for your provocative and complex question.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My husband of 30 years of marriage, passed away suddenly from cancer 8 years ago. I remarried a man 5 years ago, and he was aware of the closeness of my grown son and daughter and their children. He has given me a "visitation schedule" from the start of our marriage. I can see my 2 granddaughters one-half day and one night, every other weekend. The girls are 13 and 9 years old. They miss their "Paw Paw" and I am the only Grandmother. They do not have any other Grandparent. The girls and I are very close, as I was with my own Grandmother. The problem is, the building control and resentment from my husband in my spending time (other than the scheduled every other weekend visitation) with these girls. If they are out of school for a day (holidays, etc.) he will get angry and resentful for my spending time with them, if only 3 hours. He resents my talking on the telephone with them. If they call me, he will make a face or an unkind remark. I must also tell you that the oldest Granddaughter has picked up on this; from unkind remarks and cold behavior, and has started having problems in school and her counselor in school has said that she is often is withdrawn and acts depressed. My daughter said that she cries at home, but will not tell her what is wrong. Sometimes, she has admitted that she misses her Grandma. Dr. Simon, I love my husband, but do not love his wanting to separate me and my Grandchildren. Or for that matter, keeping me on a "schedule of visitation". They live only 10 minutes away from us, and I am prevented from interacting with them. My children, Grandchildren and I are all hurting, and my husband is very distant, and will not compromise. He asked our Pastor how many years does this have to go on (my seeing my Grandchildren), for the rest of his life? That remark hurt me beyond measure. Please tell me what your advise is, and how I can avoid further pain to my Granddaughters.
Sincerely, Jan
Dear Jan: My advise is simple: if you allow your husband to control your interaction with your children and grandchildren, you are as much to blame for the problem as anyone else. You are an adult. Make choices and do what you feel is best. No one can tell you what to do or impose such a rediculous schedule on you. If you put up with this, shame on you!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over nine years and we have a 15 year-old daughter together. I have primary custody with my ex-husband having visitations every other weekend. Additionally, my ex-husband is going through his "third" divorce and has a child in this relationship. In the past three months, our daughter has been waiting to spend more time at home and be with her friends. She is active in sports and has a boyfriend as well. Her father expresses his hostility in front of her when she wants to participate in activities or doesn't want to go down to his house because she wants to be with her friends. Often times, she does not want to ask her dad about not coming down or switching a weekend because she knows he will get angry and she does not want to upset or disappoint him. I have tried talking to him about the fact that she is growing up and seems to want to be involved in all of her social events here in town. Her father lives 60 miles away from our home. However, he just becomes very hostile and feels that he is getting time taken away. How can we smooth this transition? Our daughter loves her father, but she is now beginning to spread her wings. I feel sometimes that I am just a taxi cab driver and don't see her often (even though she lives with me), but I remember how it was when I was that age as well. I would appreciate your response.
Thank you. Sandi
Dear Sandi: It sounds to me like your daugther is expressing feelings and desires that are common for teenagers who live in two households. It seems that her desire and her reasons are very normal and quite typical actually, particularly given that her father lives an hour away. Here's the kicker: If your daughter is now spreading her wings and if she can now make more of her own decisions and have input into more and more aspects of her life, she implicitly takes on the responsibility for expressing her choices and her reasons. Sure, it is no fun if doing so makes her father angry at her but this is a part of the package. In other words, it now becomes her responsibility to ask her dad about not coming down or switching weekends, not yours. I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have a situation with my ex and am looking for an unbiased opinion on it. I moved out with our kids(Ages 3&5) about six months ago. The divorce has been final for about four months. He has recently started dating someone that he has been friends with for about two years. He had her spend the night while the kids were there and I was furious. He fails to see any wrong doing. He thinks because they already knew each other and the kids knew her that it is ok. I think it is a different ballpark going from friends to dating. I asked him to wait six months to be sure they are serious but he thinks I am being unreasonable. He is willing to have her sleep on the couch for three months and then from there she will sleep in bed with him. I still feel uneasy about that scenario, do I have any right to feel that way? This is not a jealousy issue and he knows that. He feels that I am overprotective. My motherly instincts tell me that this is not right. Is this situation ok for the kids or can it be harmful?
nicolette
Dear Nicolette: You have the right to feel however it is that you feel. However, just because you feel something doesn't mean that your feelings will or should impact someone elses behavior. It has been my experience that the greatest potential harm to children after divorce is escalating conflict between parents. While you may not feel it is correct or proper for your children's father to be dating or sleeping with a woman who used to be his friend while the children are present, the key thing here is how he handles this relationship, not its presence per se. For example, it would worry me a lot more for a parent to have different partners in and out of the bedroom while the children are present. I support your letting your children's father know your feelings so long as you do this in a civil and productive manner. What you are certainly learning is that there are things you cannot influence or impact that take place in your ex's home and you have no choice but to accept this. Of course, he has to accept your independent decision making too. The sooner you can come to terms with this, the better off you'll be. I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Simon:
I am a 24 year old father of a 3 year old daughter. My child's mother
is now married with another child. My problem is that my child's mother is
letting my child think that her husband is her dad. When I said something
about it and started telling my child the truth her mother started saying,
"you're going to confuse her!" So I said "No, I'm going to teach her the
truth, you have already confused her." At first my child thought that her
mother's husband was her father now she is letting my child think she has
two fathers and is not making any effort in assisting me with teaching our
child the truth. I am trying to be in my child's life and a part of my
child's life, but she is not allowing our child a fair chance to know and
understand who her father is (me). This whole situation has made me very
frustrated.
Thanks.
Dear Dad: I'm with you! Your daugther has one mother and one father and it is in her best interests to know who is who. While she may now have a stepfather that she loves and respects, you are the father and she has a right to know this. I agree that the one who is confusing your daughter is her mother, not you. Your challenge is to find ways to reinforce with your daughter who you are without bad-mouthing her mother or her stepfather. Not an easy task but one that is now yours to do.
Thanks for writing. Best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I just found your site and am hoping that you will be able to help be with my problem. I am currently in the last throwes of a divorce. My soon-2-be ex-wife and I have 2 girls, ages 2 and 5, I have taken a new job approximatley 150 miles away from our current home. I am desperately worried about losing connections with my daughters. I will be able to see them every two weeks and and alternating holidays, plus liberal times in the summer. So far my ex and I have had no real problems with visitation. But it seems that she has zeroed in om my guilt at not being nearer the girls and when she wished to get to me she says that the girls really miss me. How and what do I do.
Thank you.
Dear Dad: If you feel guilty, don't blame your wife. The guilt is YOUR feeling, not hers. She can't make you feel it - if it isn't there, she can't create it inside of you. Having said that, I have no doubt that your daughters miss you and that you miss them. The fact that you are now living 150 miles apart from them and that they miss you is to be expected and this speaks to the quality of the attachment you have with them. Take heart in this. All kinds of things happen in life that result in changes in families. I'm sure that you had very good reasons for taking the new job and no doubt you considered the positive and negatives of this as they impact your daughters. And remember, if for some reason this turns out to be a bad choice, you can always find a new job and move back to the community in which your girls live.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon, I am a 43-year-old divorced mom of 3 girls. I have been divorced 19 months. The oldest 2 are in college with an 11-year-old at home (12 at the end of January). I am feeling so sad and angry with myself right now I don't know what to do and am hoping that you can help. To help with my finances, I decided to rent out my daughters room over the garage since she will not be using it this year. I rented it out to a 27-year-old man, nice hard-working guy. Last night after my daughter went to bed we were drinking...one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed together (bad choice), where in which my daughter walked in on us, with this very disappointed look on her face and stated "I thought I could trust you!" I feel terrible, disappointed in myself, sad that I did that to my daughter, and confused because I don't know what to say or how to mend the situation. I am hoping that you can help me in some direction.
MaryKay
Dear MaryKay: Uh oh! This is not a good situation since it sounds like you have compromised yourself with your daugther and your roomate. I'll tell you what I think. First, I think you need to look at whether you have a drinking problem. I have a hunch that alcohol may be a problem for you. It may also be necessary, at this point, for you to have the roomate move out. With regard to your daughter, do not lie to her or attempt to make her like what she doesn't like. Admit you made a mistake, let her know that you understand her anger/disappointment and be open to her about this. Give her time to work through her feelings. Mending the situation is best thought of as a process versus an event. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: A friend of mine is getting divorced and they have a three year old daughter. The mother is 21 and the father is 23. The father wants to do two weeks on and two weeks off. The mother and I feel that is too long of a separation from either parent. Since the little girl was born, the mother has not worked and always been with her daughter. What is the best scenario for this child?
Kristen
Dear Kristen: Two weeks away from either parent is far too long a period of time for a child this age. When I devise parenting plans for children this young, I try and build in more frequent contact with each parent but typically think of having a "home base" for the child. As the child grows older, a more 50/50 parenting plan tends to make sense. Not until the child is much older, probably an adolescent, does it make sense for a child to spend two weeks on and two weeks off with each parent in my view. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: What is the best way for me to tell my five year old daughter that she probably won’t ever see her father again? She asks about him at least once a week. He has made no effort to contact us for 6 months. I keep in contact with his parents who live many states away and found out that his new wife has recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia (though I don’t know what type) and he suffers from depression and anxiety. It was also 6 months ago that he was hospitalized for another suicide attempt (I know it’s at least the third maybe more). I’m happy we haven’t heard from him as I don’t feel his situation is anywhere close to stable enough for me to allow him anywhere near our daughter. In our great state he has zero rights as far as visitation goes. I have told her that I know her father loves her, but that I haven’t heard from him in a long time and that I think he might be sick. The only times my fiancée and I discuss the situation is when she is not in the house because I don’t want our negative feelings about him to effect her self-esteem. I went through a similar situation that my daughter is now facing and though I know a lot of what to avoid, I also don’t know what to say.
Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent: I would counsel you against telling your five-year-old that she probably won't see her father again. Forever is an impossible period of time in the mind of a five-year-old. Also, situations such as this really do have amazing ways of changing and I would be surprised if her father doesn't surface at some point in the future. Instead, I would counsel you to empathize with your daugther missing her father and with whatever her feelings are about his not being an active part of her life. Tell her that you really don't know what is going to happen in the future - after all this is the actual truth! Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: After 8+ years, my ex-wife is now (within the last two months) following the divorce decree to the letter. My daughter (11 almost 12) and I were accustomed to seeing each other weekly and every other weekend. Now, after multiple attempts to see my daughter, it looks like it will be every other weekend, various holidays and a couple of weeks during summer break. My ex-wife is also invoking an 8pm (per the decree) Friday pickup, whereas before, I picked her up following school. This, in my opinion, is unacceptable. My daughter raises questions to me regarding our visitation schedule, how much discussion should I have with her? Her mother accuses me of putting her in the middle. My ex-wife's only response to our daughter is that it is between the two us and she will not discuss the matter further. I, on the other hand, have tried to answer her questions and reassure her that things will work out. I do not think that telling her of the changes is putting her in the middle. I also do not wish to discourage her from discussing what is on her mind with me. I have made numerous attempts to encourage mediation, or spark some sort of further discussion regarding visitation, unfortunately, to no avail. Regretfully, I am almost resolved to the fact that I must file for legal custody modification. I am frustrated and seek your advice on what is in my daughter's best interest and resolving this conflict.
Thank you in advance,
Ronald
Dear Ronald: Your letter raises several issues. If your daughter is asking questions about why things have changed, I think it is a good idea to answer her questions factually to the best of your ability. This means answering her with an absence of your "opinion" about the matter and with an absence of information about how you feel about her mother. If you don't know why things have changed, then telling her that seems quite reasonable. Whatever the provisions of your custody agreements are, if you and your former wife have been observing a particular child-sharing plan for a period of 8+ years, it would seem that your former wife would have to demonstrate a change of circumstnace that would support her changing the child-sharing plan. While I cannot speak to what is in the best interests of your child since I do know have the objective facts of your situation (for example, your former wife may have very good reasons for imposing this change), it is my experience that courts tend to favor the status quo. Assuming there has been no true change in circumstance and assuming that your daughter is upset by and negatively impacted by the change in the child-sharing schedule, seeking the assistance of the Court may be your only recourse at this time. Thank you for writing and best wishes to all.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have a question that I haven't been able to find any advice about. My new husband's ex-wife comes from an extremely wealthy family, but because it was locked up in a trust, my husband left the marriage with nothing at all (not even retirement!). He has 4 kids, with shared custody. How do we deal with their being given everything they could possibly want at their mom's house, while we can only get them what we can afford. They are still young and keep asking why they can't have this or that. We are terrified that they will not want to visit us as often, or will think less of us, because we don't have a pool, etc. Help?
thanks
michelle
Dear Michelle: Thanks for writing with a really great question. I can understand your being terrified that they won't want to visit with you, particularly since you feel it would be over issues you have no control over. I think you may not be giving these kids enough credit for knowing that feeling loved, wanted and treasured means more than anything else. Sure, we all want nice things and we all want a comfortable life. However, it is my experience that children attach to people who love and respect them, not to people who buy them things. When it comes to answering their questions, just be factual and straightforward. Tell them that their mother has financial resources that you do not have and that they are fortunate to be able to have certain things/opportunities because of her good fortune. Tell them that there are always people more and less fortunate than they are. Do not try and compete with their mother and do not speak of her financial abilities in any negative ways. Instead, be supportive. This will "disempower" the issue and help you and these children to focus on your relationships and not on "things." Thanks for writing. My best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am in the process of divorce. It is proving to be a very challenging process. I would describe my divorce as a High-Conflict divorce. We have two children, a 5 year-old boy and a 23 month-old boy. They are both wonderful and amazing children. My question is relating to communiction techniques with their father. He is a very controller personality and there has been a history of domestic abuse by to to him over the 7 years we have been married. We have recently had our visitation schedule modified so that there are no instances when we will come into contact with each other. However, one of our children has ongoing medication and doctor appointments. I tried to institute a daily journal for each child. I wrote the times medications were given, foods eaten, activities, and general daily issues in the journal for each child. I also indicated the infromation from recent doctor's visits. Their father has refused to use them. He continues to make all efforts to communicate impossible. Do you have any suggestions. I was thikning that there might be a website that has a service for parents to use to write a daily journal online so that everyone could access it if needed. The need to communicate information is critical for the children's sake. I believe their father is using this as another opportunity to control what remains.
I appreciate the help.
Dear Mom: Communication is something that takes effort from each parent. In my many years of practice, I have yet to discover a way of forcing a parent to communicate who chooses not to do so. If your children's father chooses not to communicate with you about the children, this does not mean that you stop providing him with information for certainly giving him information is what is best for your children. When it comes to communication, be realistic about what kind of information is truly necessary to communicate. Certainly, medical issues, doctors appoiintments, medicaitons and so forth are quite important. However, is it absolutely necessary to communicate things such as "general daily issues and activities"? Sure, this would be nice but is it necessary? Getting a reluctant parent to cooperate can be facilitated by reducing what you are requesting to those items that are truly necessary. If you believe that his refusal to communicate is causing risk to your children psychologically or medically, you have the option of going back to court to place limits on his time with the children so that his failing to communicate does not unduly jeopardize their well being. While this, in and of itself, only adds to conflict, this may be your only option if the children's father will not give you important information. __ Thanks for writing and my best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon, My husband and I are currently divorcing over his affair. Right as I was learning of the affair I became pregnant with our second child. I am due in four weeks. We did have a good marriage (or so I thought) prior to the affair with "normal" family times with our daughter. She is very attached to the two of us. I tried to work it out, but he continued to see her, so I have since filed for divorce. My question is this: he is refusing to sign anything that says his girlfriend cannot be around my 3 year old and the infant for 6 months after the divorce and that she cannot live with him/ spend the night when the children are present for 6 months after that. Then the kids will have lots of time (one year) to get used to her and our new situation. Also my infant will have had that first important year to bond with he and I without confusing him or her. He does not believe that this could cause difficulties and confusion for such young children. I am not trying to stop him from seeing his girlfriend (who is also married with two children and divorcing now as well), nor keep her from them forever. I just think that my toddler needs the time to adjust to us being apart and that our new infant needs to bond with us first. I guess I would like to know if I am wrong in thinking this, or how can present this to him so he sees that this is not about revenge against him or her, but my serious concern for getting our children through this in the best way possible for them.
Thank your for any advice! Heather
Dear Heather: Thank you for writing. I certainly understand how you feel and I can follow the emotional logic of what you are saying here. However, if your children's father disagrees with this, then he disagrees with this. I think that we, as parents, often underestimate the resilience of our children. When parents divorce, if they are able to provide the children with a co-parenting environment in which conflict is minimized. You and your children's father, no doubt, can argue about your wishes until next year but if he won't agree to what you are asking, then he won't agree. And ask yourself...were the tables turned would you want to make such an agreement? I'd have to guess that you would not. This may be the first of many lessons that you are going to have in accepting the things you cannot change when it comes to divorce and when it comes to how he lives and what he thinks is right versus what you think is right. The key to a "good divorce" is to recognize when acceptance is better than fighting. And, in this case, that could be what is going on. Thank you again and best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon: My fiancée has been divorced for 2 years. We moved in together to New Jersey since both of our jobs are in NJ. His kids are living in Rockaway NY which is where he used to live too. That is about 50 miles apart from each other. The visitation plan is my fiancée would drive and pick up his 3 kids ( 9,11 and 15 ) to stay over at our place every other weekend. Obviously, the teenage daughter hates the visitation every time she is with us because her priority on friends are over parents for now. We understand that so agree to make the visitation once a month for her only. Last night, she told her father she needed to skip the visitation because she wants to have a night out in New York city. The outings consists of 8 girls and 8 boys of her age, going on a limousine ride. My fiancée disapproved the plan. The disapproval was not because of her missing the time to spend the weekend with us, it is because she is too young to hang out at night in NY without any adult with them. His daughter stormed over the phone, then became verbally abusive to his father. She said, "If you want to be a better father, you should not have moved out of New York." The father said, "It does not matter where I live, I would not approve this trip anyway." My fiancée's feelings were hurt by her daughter accusing her of not being a good father. I feel the pain for him.
Please advise how do we communicate to his teenage daughter ?
Thanks, Teresa
Dear Teresa: You can't make omlettes without breaking eggs and you can't raise teenagers without experiencing hurt feelings and heartache sometimes. I think that your fiancee handled the situation with his 15 year old daughter quite well, making it clear to her that his decision was not based on anything other than his sense of what is appropriate for a 15 year old teenager to be doing. (By the way, I shudder at the idea of my younger son, who is close to this child's age, going out without adult supervision, for an evening of limo cruising in a big city.) My suggestion is that he allow his daughter an opportunity to calm down and deal with her disappointment about not being able to go, then move on. He might wish to call her and simply tell her that he knows she is disappointed and angry with him but that he loves her and that while she doesn't require that she agree with his decision, he does requrie that she respect it and abide by it. Raising teenagers is fraught with this kind of pitfall - parents need to roll with it. Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon : My boyfriend just recently asked me and my daughter to move in with him. I have 50% custody of my 13 year old. I am trying to come up with the best way to talk to her about it. I have casually mentioned it before and she has said "no way". There are a few good reasons for us to move in with my boyfriend. I am already spending a lot of time at his house when my daughter is with her dad. So I am there 50% of the time. Financially it would be very good. I could rent out my place and even make money every month after paying the mortgage, insurance and taxes. My boyfriends house is a lot bigger, in a nice neighborhood, and she would have the whole upstairs to herself. I would feel more secure living with him and his two dogs. I know that he and I are compatible to be together. He travels a lot, so even out of the 50% of the time she is with me, he would be gone part of that. She is going to be resistant because she would have to change schools. I think this would be a perfect time if any. Going to a new highschool in the Fall. She will not want to leave her friends, but I know she would not have a problem making new friends and keeping her old friends. We would only be about 30 minutes away from our old neighborhood. The other part she will not be happy about is the living situation. She will be upstairs sleeping while my boyfriends and my room will be down stairs. I would really appreciate some advise on how to talk to her about it without an argument starting and her completely refusing. I have started a "Pro" list of all the good things that will come of it. Also, her dad and her just moved to his brother's house for a year because of financial reasons. It is a big change for her - but she has willingly and gladly accepted this. I love my boyfriend and told him it might take a while to work this out. He is fine with being patient. I have also made sure with him that he is really truly okay with us moving in - I know that we have more to talk about before anything is decided - but I need to get the ball rolling with my daughter first. She is the most important thing in my life.
What ever advise you can give would be greatly appreciated. Losing sleep in Oregon. Sincerely,
Lisa
Dear Lisa: Yes indeed, you have yourself a difficult situation. When was the last time you were able to convince a 13 year old to want something that he/she didn't want? Bottom line...if you have decided to move to your boyfriend's home and that is going to be your decision one way or another, then you must become a parent and tell your daugther that this will be happening, that you understand her upset over it but that it will happen and it isn't negotiable. Keep in mind that the decision to move in with your boyfriend is something that is based upon your needs/desires and at least be honest with her abou this. Don't try and pander to her by telling her how it is also ultimately good for her. Sure, point out what you think the advantages are to her but if/when she rejects these as meaningless, accept her feelings and don't argue with them. That said, I don't think that the reasons for moving that make sense to you can be expected to make sense to her. You are an adult and your have different priorities and you problem solve in a different way than a 13-year-old. To her, life is about her friends, her neighborhood and her school. Sure she can make new friends in a new neighborhood but this isn't something that I think she would reasonably be expected to want to have to do! In other words, as a parent you certainly have the right to make this kind of decision but be prepared to have you daugther be upset, angry, recalcitrant and so forth. There probably is no way to talk to her about it that resutls in no arguments starting. Ideally, it would be best for your boyfriend to move into your home so that your child can be stable in her school, community and friendships. As I am sure you know, we parents often make decisions that put our children's interests before ours. While this may not be what you are able or wish to do in this instance, be aware and acknowledge that you are making a decision that is best for you and acknowledge that at age 13, it doesn't make a lot of sense to expect your child to have an easy time accepting this. I hope that this helps, Lisa. Best wishes to you and your daughter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon: I found your site through a Google search. I desperately need advice. My fiancee is a widower with two young daughters ... ages 9 and 7. He is Canadian; I am in the States until May, 2004.The girls were 18 months and 3 years of age when their mother was diagnosed with cancer. At that time J & A (the parents) made the conscious decision to "enjoy the girls" for what time they had with them together. (This means there was little disciplining!) Their mother died when they were 5 and 7. To make a very long story short, the younger daughter wants to sleep with her father every night. He is a single parent, going to school full-time, and doing his very best to now start disciplining the girls. C ... the 7 year old ... is positively defiant towards any correction of any kind. She seems to be on her own agenda ... does not know the word "no" ... and refuses to accept anything her father says to her. She says she cannot sleep unless she is with her father. She gets in bed with him in the middle of the night, unbeknownst to him, or if he happens to awaken when she tries this, cries, has tantrums, etc. and keeps him up until the wee hours of the morning trying to bargain for the right to get in bed with him. I have tried to get J to firmly tell her "no", put her in her bed, kiss her goodnight, and walk away ... and tune out her crying, which in my opinion is just a ploy to get her way. He is running out of energy and patience dealing with this. I have encouraged and suggested that he take her to counseling as I feel there is a deeper issue ... possibly related to her mother's death and/or our upcoming marriage. Both girls were in counseling for 6 months after their mother's death and was ended when the counselor told J the girls were "fine now". I am a teacher and according to him, more "hard-hearted" about all this. I have no difficulty with comforting the child, telling her I love her, but firmly telling them her she is not sleeping with me/us, and letting her have her fit. I can tune that out. I know she is safe. (I hope this makes sense!) J, in my opinion, is more like a marshmallow ... he gives in when I am not there simply because he is exhausted and too tired to fight her.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Does she need more counseling? Am I way off base on this?
Thank you!
Julie
Dear Julie: No doubt there are several intertwining issues here that probably include the mother's death and its meaning to the girls and to your fiancee, his parenting patterns/history and your involvement in the lives of these girls. It is really impossible to tease these out in this forum. Suffice it to say that I'm sure that the issues are complex and yes, I think some professional help could be important for all of you right now. I agree with you when you talk about taking a firm approach to these issues, allowing the girl's to have their tantrums and sticking with the limits. I also understand that a parent who is exhausted, overwhelmed and probably struggling with his own reactions to his wife's loss has a good deal of difficulty following through in the middle of the night. My experience tells me that the "symptom" here (i.e. the sleeping behavior), when properly explored, will reveal underlying issues of importance. Patience is key - the sleeping problem won't go away by fiat and one has to understand and prioritize the various issues and dynamics that are at play in order to effectively intervene. I'm not suggesting that one be a "marshmallow" but I also understand that these girls won't go sleep in their own beds unless there is something to gain for them. Thanks for writing and best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am about 2 years divorced and have three daughters with my former wife. She and I are both in committed relationships and live with our new partners. Our daughters are all quite bonded with our new partners who I'm certain will be great step-parents. The issue is, I live over a thousand miles away from them and only have them during vacation times. My fiance has tried to keep in touch with the girls via letters, but my former wife throws them all away as soon as she receives them. She says my fiance has no right to contact the girls when they're with her. She says that since the girls are in her home, they're her responsibility and the only reason she allows the children to read my letters is because I'm their father. Is it acceptable for her to deny the girls contact with my fiance? My fiance loves and misses those girls very much. What do I do?
Jeremy
Dear Jeremy: It sounds as if some understanding on both sides is really important here. You would be well advised to understand that your children's mother may feel threatened by the presence of another woman in your children's lives. She needs to understand that the more people who love your children, the better off they are. That said, in the scheme of things your daughter's relationship with your fiancee is relatively new and it needs time to grow. I would suggest that it may be best if she contacts your children though you - in other words that you and she write letters to the girl's together (as well as you writing them separately) and give the situation a longer period of time to settle. In situations such as this, parents often rely on what they believe is "right" or "wrong" versus what works. May I suggest that you focus on what works instead? Remember, that finding ways to keep the peace is what is ultimately best for the children. Thanks for writing and best wishes to you and yours.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
I am so glad I found your site. I am looking for some advise on
overnite visitation. I have a 14 month old daughter and her father wants
overnite visitaion as soon as possible. I understand how important it is for
the both of them to maintain their relationship but have a huge problem with
rushing the overnites. My ex lives out of town and only see's our daughter
for 2 hours on Sundays right now. We will soon be going back to court and
unfortunately we are not on speaking terms. I would like to be able to
provide my lawyer with some information on the negative effects of overnites
before a child is emotionally ready but am at a loss of where to find this.
I will always encourage my daughter to see her father regaurdless of my
feelings towards him, but on the same hand I don't wan't her emotional needs
to suffer as a result of things happening to fast. I am an " attachment
style parent" and maybe a bit to protective, but feel in my heart I have to
look after her best interest and this will not be good for her yet.I would
like to see the visits increased but not over nites yet as she has only
ever slept in my bed and still is nursed at night, which I have been told
not to say out loud, or it may be held against me!?
Look forward to any advise you may have to offer.
Sincerely,
Elise
Dear Elsie: Experts disagree on the issue you are asking about. Any studies or empirical evidence you might be able to locate could probably be contradicted rather easily by other studies and other experts. My own experience as an expert in this area is that children your daughter's age certainly can benefit from overnight visits with each parent. While it is the case that children her age typically benefit from having a primary "home base", their attachment to the other parent and the other parent's bonding with the child are very much facilitated by overnight visits on a regular basis. It seems to me that two hours per week with her father is not nearly enough time for this to unfold. With regard to "attachment parenting", this is a controversial style of parenting. However, I think it is best that when you go to court that you disclose your parenting practices since you believe in them and feel that they are important in promoting your child's well being. If she still nurses, you can express milk and give the milk to her father when she overnights with him - so the breastfeeding need not interfere with her having overnights with the father. This kind of thing is done all of the time with great success. What really matters, Elise, is that both you and the child's father work together to foster her well being. If you can't communicate, at least you can minimzie conflict and works towards being able to share information about your daughter. Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have been involved in a legal battle for over a year trying to determine how much time my daughter should be spending with her father. The first year and half of her life his visits were supervised by me because of his history of drug use. Since July of this year he was given unsupervised visitation. Until he was given unsupervised visitation, she was what I considered a normal child, since that time, she has started masturbating, showing aggression at day care, and was diagnosis with a problem with anxiety and stress. Please give me your advise on what would be in the best interest of my child for visitation with her father. I have seen counselors and they have told me not to change her visitation with her father, just work on getting her more comfortable on being around him, because her father is not going to change and he has a right to see her regardless of his wrong doings.
Thank you Trina
Dear Trina: Thank you for writing. I can easily understand your concern about the behavior changes you see in your daughter. I'd be concerned too. But please don't jump to the conclusion that they are taking place because of something that is going on at her father's home. While that's possible, it is just as possible that the anxiety is taking place simply because of change or because your daughter is reading your discomfort about her seeing her father unsupervised and she is responding to it. Young children don't have not yet developed the cognitive capacities to express their anxiety in more adaptive ways, especially if they are not yet fully verbal. My suggestion is that you watch what is going on carefully and be alert to the messages she receives from you about your anxiety just as much as you are alert to possible problems in her father's home. Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am desperate for some help. I have a 16 yr old step daughter who was abandoned by her biological mother when she was 4 wks old. She was 15 months old when I met my husband (her dad) and was 7 when we married. I consider her to be my daughter and could not love her any more if she was. Her mother was a drug addict and served time in jail. About 7 yrs ago she took us to court for visitation, until this time she was completely absent from our lives. To make a long story short she was granted 3 visits per year supervised by me. We went along with the visits even though my step daughter never wanted to. When she turned 13yrs old she told her mother she didn't want her in her life and to stop calling and trying to see her. She dropped out of sight once again until two years ago she showed up at school for a play my step daughter was in. It was a huge scene and a bad one. She disappeared once again. Now my step daughter is 16 and wanting to get her drivers license. We asked her mother to help up get her original birth certificate but she has refused. She has now threatened to "take her daughter" she believes her father and I have "poisoned" her against her. I have never said anything bad to her about her mother - she knows she can contact her and see her whenever she wants SHE REFUSES, she wants nothing to do with her and has had a very hard time in life because of this situation. She has had counseling but is adamant about not wanting a relationship with her bio mother. She says I am her mom and that's what she wants. We have three other children and have a very happy, secure life. If we go back to court, can my step daughter state her feelings to get this woman to leave her alone once and for all!!?? Please let me know before I invest more thousands of dollars into an attorney. Do we have a leg to stand on to keep her from harassing her?? Thanks,
"Mom"
Dear Mom: Thanks for writing. Yours is a story that, believe it or not, I've heard many times before. Please understand that I am not an attorney and that I am not qualified to offer you legal advice nor should you or any other reader interpret my response as legal advice in any way. I can tell you that it is my experience as a forensic psychologist in the area of child custody that by the time a child is 16, their desires and input are taken very very seriously by the courts. Given the history you describe, my experience tells me that it would be a rare case in which a Court would order a 16 year old to see a parent that they do not want to see, particularly if this child is otherwise well-adjusted and happy. After all, anyone that has raised a teenager knows full well that it is very hard and rarely makes sense to force them to do anything, particularly something of this nature and something so highly emotional. Courts know this as do the mental health experts that advise the courts. I wish all of you well and hope that this answer provides you with some assistance.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I came across your website while searching answer to a dilemma I am experiencing. I will make it brief as possible. My son is getting married (my only biological child). His bio father and I divorced when he was a toddler and never had much contact over the past 18 years. My boyfriend and I have been together and lived together for over 15 years and is the only father figure my sone has really ever known ,besides his grandfather who has since passed on. Now my son wans his father and his wife at the wedding (ok with us) --but wants to have him introduced with his wife as we enter the hall, having me announced as mother/stepfather and his father /stepmother to make it equal announcements. However, we feel ill at ease about this because it has caused friction as Rich(my boyfriend/partner feels as if my son is also his son and always considered us a family and does not like the term "step-father". And feels awkward and is debating whether to attend the reception at all. We have told my son this but he is determined to have his father and his wife introduced, is there an alternative way to introduce both sets of parents (I failed to mention my son has never even met his father's wife and has not seen/heard from his father since age 4)
Thank you for your assistance,
Sincerely Grooms Mom
Dear Groom's Mom I have a simple answer for you. This is your son and his fiancee's day. It is your job to support him on his terms on this very special day. This is not a day about you nor a day for you to get your feelings or egos involved. Go to the wedding, smile, do as he asks you to do and enjoy yourselves.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My daughters ages are 12 and 8. My children's father and I have been divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period. My ex has never been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years. He began using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of control behavior devastated our family. I sought help to heal both my and my children's emotions and we have made great progress. I am much different now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many friends. We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year. He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to tell about me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and accepting blame and smothering us with attention. This time he will not return their calls, has changed his phone number and will not call them. He has not seen them in the past two months although he had promised them to never abandon them again. He makes promises to them and does not keep them, tells them I am on drugs, and that I am promiscuous. They are becoming tired of his constant lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have a hard time convincing them to continue to try to make contact with him. I know they are hurting under the "I don't really care" attitude and I have tried to get their dad to understand what he is doing to them by sending him articles on the subject and letters describing their pain. I get no response. My question is do I continue to try to instigate my girls to contact their dad or do I stop? I cannot stand to see the pain in their faces and the hunger for his attention and affection. They feel like he does not care for them anymore. I talk honestly with them and tell them he is the one with the problems, they are not the problem but I know deep down they still hurt. Please advise me on the best way to handle this situation. Coni
Dear Coni: Thanks for writing. There is little that hurts children more than inconsistent parenting and broken promises from parents. I am certain that you know, by now, that you cannot change your ex-husband's behavior, right? Right! This also means that you can't totally protect them from the pain they experience as a result of their father's behavior which sounds, based on your description, like a form of emotional abuse to be honest. What you can do is to be as consistent, stable and understandign with them as you can be in your parenting. You can let them know that you understand how they feel. I would let them know that you support their being in contact with their father if they choose to be and when they choose to be - that it is always OK with you for them to be in contact with him. However, it doesn't make a lot of sense for you to continuously try to instigate your girl's contact with their father when doing so results in their feeling hurt and abandoned. I know it is very hard for you but the truth is that you cannot fully protect them from the harmful behavior or their other parent nor should you expect yourself to be able to do so since this is clearly impossible. Thank you for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am at a real stand still in my life I feel that me and my baby's daddy are going in circles and getting no where. My daughter is 9 months old her dad never wanted to be a father and kicked me out of the house when I was eight months pregnant and decided that he was not going to be a dad. He moved on with his life with someone different and he stayed away from meeting his daughter when she was born in January it wasn't until she was 6 weeks old that he finally met his daughter and we went to court then due to the fact that he was forced to pay child support he wanted to take part in his daughters life. Needless to say the new girlfriend was gone. Then he came around alot to be with his daughter now he has another new love and we are back to square one he never comes around and he says he is coming but always calls and says that something has come up. I never have refused him to see his daughter, I have actually changed my plans before just so that him and his daughter could be together and now I am exausted and frustrated with the whole situation his new girlfriend is only 22 and he is 29 and she has made it point clear that she wants to know nothing about the child nor hear about the child and he has more or less put his daughter to the side once again because of another female and he never tried to work out his family. Maybe you can give me some advice on this because I am exausted and stressed to the max and I don't know whether I am coming or going I have tried all that I think is possible but nothing has worked. I have come to terms that I am going to be a single mom who has to go to work and keep the balance between life and money and with him it keeps getting harder in a selfish way I wish he would leave us alone and go on with his life but then i look at my daughter and I know she has the right to know her dad and place judgement herself but how do I keep my sanity until that time? Please advise :( Betty
Dear Betty: It sounds like you have come to terms with an important aspect of the reality of your life - that you will be a single parent (at least for now) and that you are going to "keep the balance between life and money." What you haven't yet come to terms with is the fact that when you made a child with this man, you also invited him to be a part of your life for many, many years to come. This means that whatever strengths, whatever chaos, whatever he brings to his life may also impact yours. No, this isn't fair and sure, he "should" be a more responsible and consistent parent. But he isn't. And now that is a part of your life and your child's life. The more you can accept this and not fight it, the less extra pain will be caused.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My girlfriend just moved in with me. We have been seeing each other for 3 months. She has a 4 yr old son that stays with us every other week. She has been living apart from her ex-husband for 6 months. I am trying to figure out my place in her sons life. She seems to get upset with me if I verbally discipline him. He also seems to get jealous when she is close to me like kissing or hugging. I do not want to have a negative impact on him. We are having a hard time getting him to sleep in his own bed as well. She wants to protect him and keep him happy so on most occasions will give into wants if he cries long enough. I love her son and want to help her but I just do not know my place or if the relationship I have with his Mom is unhealthy for him. Thank you.
Boatz
Dear Boatz: Thank you very much for writing. I gotta tell you that for any child, let along a 4 year old, six months post parental separation is a very, very short period of time even were it not the case that his mother was in a new relationship - let alone one that now involves cohabitation. I think it is asking a lot of a young child to make these adjustments so rapidly. That he is jealous when you are close to his mother makes perfect sense to me - he cannot possibly be anywhere close to accepting that his parents have split up! Insofar as discipline is concerned, you are not his parent, his mother is. Let her do the discipline, at least for now. It takes time for a new adult to earn the right and the statue to discipline a child that is not his/hers. That she gets upset with you makes a lot of sense to me. I usually advise newly separated/divorced parents to get proceed slowly and with caution in approaching new relationships. Honestly, I think that three months is way fast for any couple to be living together and I think that six months post separation is just a beginning to the adjustment to the reality of divorce. People usually take at least one years and often as many as three years to feel "back to normal" after divorce. So, slow down, catch your breath and take things one very small step at a time. Although this may not be want you want to hear, I do hope that this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. He has a
wonderful daughter who is 11 now. She and I have a wonderful relationship.
When her father and I started dating I became a great friend to her. She
loves her daddy dearly but he isin't much of a playmate for her. She told
me that she was so happy now that I am with her and her father because he
never does anything with her. All they do is sit at home and watch tv, what
he wants to watch. She tells me that she is bored on the weekends she has to
be with him. I have tried to explain to him that when his daughter is
visiting that they need to do things together just the two of them instead
of relying on me to do the entertaining. I love her and enjoy every minute
that we spend together, and I want her to be happy. But I think
that he need to spend some time with her. After all it she is 11 and I tell
him all the time that soon she will be a grown woman and you are missing out
on alot by not playing a role now.
Last weekend Chuck had his daughter, and I had made plans to go with
my sister and my nephew to the park. I told him what my plans were and he
was furious that I wasn't going to take his daughter also. I said when we
get back we'll go do something together. My plan was to force him to spend
some quality with his daughter.
It didn't work. When I came over later she was in her room upset
that her daddy hadn't done anything but watch tv all day.
I told him that he missed the perfect opportunity to spend time with
her because he was mad at me for not including her in my plans. All I was
trying to do was make her happy by getting to spend a whole day with her
daddy alone.
What can I do to make him realize that he needs to spend time with
his daughter? Her mother and I have a great relationship. We talk alot
about their daughter and she tells me that she is greatful that I am in her
daughters life because before me she didn't even want to visit her father.
We all get along and I only want what's best for everyone involved.
The Entertainer
Dear Entertainer: You can't DO anything to make him realize anything. You can try to educate, offer ideas, suggestions and so forth but ultimately, what he does is up to him. Take a lesson from this. If your boyfriend doesn't do anything with his daughter but watch TV, imagine what you relationship with him is going to be like with the passage of time.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My fiancee has a 4 yr old son from his second marriage that he shares custody of. He also has 2 older children, ages 21 and 18 from his first marriage. I have an 18 yr old daughter who lives with me. His 4 yr old has several behavioral problems that I think is the lack of parenting by his mother and father. The boy is very bright but has several behavioral problems that I'm not sure how to address. My fiancee has allowed his son to sleep in his bed for the last 3 years. Since the 2 of them will be moving into my home, I've set up a room for his son with his own bed and explained to my fiance' that I require, when they're here, that he sleep in his own bed and that he have a set bedtime which he has never had. He allows his son, basically to fall asleep when he passes out and that's usually later than I can even stay awake. My fiance' totally agrees that this is something that needs to be done, but he only tries to enforce this bedtime when they're here and not when he's home with him. (my fiance' lives with his mother and his son has his own room there, but hasn't ever slept in it) What happens is that his son now knows that when he's here, there are rules that he doesn't like and has associated these rules with me and doesn't ever want to be here. He's become rude, sassy and is behaving in ways that my daughter just never did so I'm stumped as to how to handle it. My daughter knew there were rules, bedtimes, schedules for meals ect, but this child just has no schedule for anything. He also doesn't seem to be able to do the things that I think a 4 yr old should be able to do. He cannot dress himself at all, can't put on his shoes, can't snap his coat and cannot, even for a minute entertain himself at all. He needs to be played with constantly, needs to have either his father or my daughter to be with him at all times and if someone doesn't want to play he has a tantrum. He cries and whines constantly about everything and I realize that sounds like an aggageration, but it is about everything. It just doesn't matter how small or large the problem is. He absolutely needs to be the center of attention 24/7 and his dad basically just gives in time after time. I've been draggin my feet picking a date for a wedding simply because I'm not sure that I can handle this child and the issues I've discussed. Please help me to understand how a 4 yr old boy should behave, and what I should and/or shouldn't expect.
Dear Stepmom To Be: Blending families is always a ticklish and complex thing as you are discovering. Clearly, this four year old is not your "run of the mill" four year old although it is impossible for me to know why this is the case. Nevertheless, what I want to help you understand is that the kind of decisions and "requirements" you are making, even if they are "normal" or "proper" are, nevertheless, not the result of negotiation but, instead, sound like they are edicts from you. In any relationship, each partner has to let the other know what their limits are and what is and is not OK with them. However, you do not hold the authority to dictate what takes place simply because your fiancee is moving into your home. Once he moves in, while the house may belong to you, the "home" is something you create together and the rules must be created together. If your limits and his limits do not correspond well, that may mean that your living together is not what should happen at this time. If you have ideas about how to help your fiancee and his son to take on more routines and such, offer them as ideas and supportive suggestions - this always wins over more people than commands and orders. Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My 2 year old daughter spends the weekends with me based upon a court order saying that the grandparents should have her monday through friday. Of course, this is being appealed, however in the meantime I only am allowed to see her from Friday night until Sunday night. My problem is this: When I go to pick her up, they bring her to me at the door and she is crying and very upset, not wanting to leave. She comes to me, but she is still crying. The grandparents don't make this any easier as they keep kissing her and saying "we'll come get you in a couple days honey", over and over again. Once we get in the car she continues to cry for about 10 minutes and then stops. Once home she is fine, but it's obvious that she is clingy and a bit confused. She has lived with me before for 5 months before the Judge decided she should go back and live with the GP's even though I was given full custody after her mother died when my daughter was 2 weeks old. What should I do during these transitions to make it go smoother for my young daughter and hopefully keep her from having psychological damage done??? What should the grandparents do differently during these transitions? thank you! Marc
Dear Marc: Thank you for your great question. It might help for you to know that children as young as your daughter often display unhappiness and anxiety when they transition from home to home. Although I'm not aware of any empirical research on the subject, my experience is that the more conflict/uneasiness there is between the two homes, the more likely it is that the child will experience distress. When distress is displayed such as you report, it is usually best for the adults to stay calm, to speak calmly to the child telling the child that he/she is safe and ok. The repeated kissing and reassurance that you describe from the grandparents may, unintentionally, fuel your daughter's emotional reaction. Thus, I would recommend that the grandparents kiss the child goodbye, tell her when they will see her again and hand the child to you. They should then turn and walk away. For your part, I suggest that you greet the child with a smile and a hug and kiss. You can hold her a bit if that is possible but it is probably best that you simply walk to your car with her, put her in her carseat and begin driving to your house. I can only imagine that there is tension between you and the grandparents, particularly given that there is ongoing litigation. Yet, I would still suggest that you and the grandparents sit down together with a neutral third party with professional training and, together, come up with a consistent protocol for exchanges that you can agree on as being in the child's interests. Thanks for writing. My best to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My boyfriend of 6 years has an 8 year old boy who has been diagnosed with oppositional disorder and possibly bipolar disorder. After being together for six years, my boyfriend's son started doing a lot of fighting at school and getting in to a lot of trouble. I never spank him but would yell at him or send him to his room much like his father would do. One day, the child went to school told the teacher he wanted to talk to his dad in private and she called dad. When dad got there Cody told him that he didn't like me and that I was mean to him and he wanted them to move out and go live with grandma. Dad called me home and told me what Cody had said and that he would have to move for his son. Did he do the right thing by breaking up a family of 6 due to one child's accusation? By the way, since they have been at grandmas 4 days now Cody is now saying that grandma is mean to him. Thank you for your help.
Hello and thanks for writing: Your letter raises several issues that often come up in blended families. You know, even after being together six or more years, children often resent it when a step-parent handles discipline. Sometimes, the step-parent never truly becomes able to handle discipline and in such cases, this is something that one has to accept and work with. I wonder if this isn't part of what is going on here. The other issue that your letter raises is the coalitions that are often found in blended families. No matter what, the bond between parent and child is almost always primary over the bond between the parent and their new partner. If a parent has to choose, they will often choose the child. Given what you are telling me, it does seem a bit capricious for your boyfriend to have moved so suddenly without effort being made to work on the problems. Perhaps you need to recognize that there is a "message" in this about the dynamics of your relationship. You might want to think about what you can/will accept and what is not OK with you. Thank you for writing and my best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My husband and I just obtained legal custody of my neice. She was in a bad situation at home and her father (my brother) agreed that this would be best for her. I want to know what can I do to help her adjust to her new home and surroundings? She is coming from a very unstable, bad home in the city where she was left alone a lot. to our family where we are very tight knit and have four children of our own in a small town. I want her to be happy & healthy so I can use any I advice I can get. Thank you
Dear Writer: Right now, probably the most important thing you can do is to be as consistent and predictable as possible. Creating a stable environment in which things are clear will help this child adjust, learn to trust and come to understand that she is safe. It will also be helpful to be sure to listen carefully to how she feels, to allow her to express any feelings she has about the changes in her life and to accept all of these feelings no matter what they are. You can expect this young lady to have some fears, to be angry, to test limits and to test your resolve so be ready for this, accept it as a part of her adjustment process and try not to over-react. Best wishes to all of you and thanks for loving this child!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have sole custody of my 9 year old son. His father and I separated 10 days before I discovered that I was pregnant. He has never resided in the home with us. I am now remarried, and my son has not spent the night at his father's house since he was 6 years old, because he walked in on his father with a naked college student in his bed. My son began at that time to refuse going to his father's house. Although his father tried to convince him to go many times, he never forced the issue. He has infrequently come to visit our son here at our house. They usually go out to eat, go to a movie, ride bikes, etc. These visits are very sporadic. I just learned that my son's father was fired from his job with a school system for being on a boat with two teenage girls while they were all intoxicated. I was told that the charges to be filed include DUI, contributing to the delinquency of minors, and possible "statutory". My son is not aware of all of these details (nor do I intend to tell him), but he has no respect for his father and has decided on his own that his father is lying to him about losing his job, relocating, etc. My son doesn't want much to do with his father, and often asks why he has to spend time with him at all. He loves his step father, who is a great role model, and he has asked to have our last name added to his. What steps should I take in this jumbled up mess? Thank you, Awaiting your reply
Dear Awaiting: What a difficult situation you have. First, allow me to compliment you on what sounds like very solid judgement with regard to what is and is not appropriate to tell your son about his father. I want you to know that your stance on this is one of the most supportive things you can do for your son. Allowing him to discover his own feelings and discover his own truth about who each of his parents are is his right and it sounds like you are fully aware of that. With regard to the name issue...now that's tricky. Certainly the question your son asks tells of his love and trust for your husband and that is wonderful and a blessing. There may be legal issues involved with adding your last name to his and you will want to explore this of course. Psychologically, it speaks to his identification with your marriage and the new family you have created. It may also, however, be a source of even more conflict and divisiveness with his father and with your co-parental relationship with his father. You certainly want to look at this potential and your sense of its impact on your son's well being. Even if you decide against allowing your son to use your last name, you certainly want him to know that you are aware of what his desire means and how happy you are that he is feeling so comfortable and connected and that no name can ever change that! Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hi Dr. Simon, I am in a serious relationship of 3 yrs with a divorced father of 3 teenage daughters of whom he has custody. The girls mother (his ex) left town 6 years ago to pursue her life in another state. She has been in and out of state several times to visit the girls, all the while saying she has left husband #3 and will get a job in our town and stay. She comes and goes, wrecking havoc each time. My question is this: Is it appropriate for her to assume that she can stay at my boyfriend's house (we live separately) whenever she is in town? She gets the girls to "gang up" on their father (as he tells it) and the next thing I know she is making dinners, rearranging furniture and telling my boyfriend how he should live his life, all the while staying over the house so she "can be with the girls" while visiting. She does have a brother she could stay with while visiting. My boyfriend gets angry and tries to set limits, but always seems to give in to all of them, all the while complaining about the situation to me, yet not coming to stay with me or change anything. I am feeling this is totally inappropriate and have voiced my concerns as well as frustrations. The biggest upset just occurred when they all went for what used to be an annual family outing in the fall to another state for the day. They traveled in one car together with him driving her car. What is your take on this? I feel it is unhealthy/confusing for the girls, as well as damaging to our relationship. His daughters seem to have accepted me and we are talking of my moving into his house in a few months. (which by the way was not their mutual home as husband and wife, but rather a house he purchased on his own 2 yrs ago). Thank you for your input!!!
Sincerely, No second fiddler
Dear Fiddler: If you don't want to be a second fiddler here, then you need to let your boyfriend what you will and won't tolerate and then you need to follow through. If you tell him that it is not OK with you for his ex-wife to stay at his home and he allows her to stay there, I suppose he is sending a message to you that you'd best pay careful attention to. With regard to the impact of all of this on the girls, there is plenty of room for debate. I'd have to know more about the situation before I could give you an opinion about whether this is or is not in their best interest. For right now, I think you need to ask yourself if you have a problem in your relationship and if you do, you need to deal with it. Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, living together
for 2. I have three boys of my own ages, 6, 9, and 13. He has a daughter
who is 10. He has visitation with her every Wed. night and every other
weekend. At first she was so excited that the boys and I were moving in
with her father. She would now have someone to play with on the weekends
that she spent with her dad.
When we moved in there were only three bedrooms. That meant that her
bedroom was now my oldest sons room and my two youngest boys shared a room.
We tried to make it easy for her knowing that her room for her weekends was
now being occupied by my son. We sort of split up the room her stuff and
his. We had some of her posters up on one wall and his on the other. After
a few months she really started to torture my son by saying that "this is my
room I only let you sleep in it when I'm not here." When she was with us my
oldest son slept with his brothers, and it was her room.
Then it got bad when she was there she would purposely destroy his
things. She would go through his things. She broke his CD's. Stole his
things. This kept on and on until my son was ready to kill her and totally
resented her for having to share that room.
I know that when her dad was single it was only her room and I felt
bad for her. I felt that we were the full time people and my son didn't
deserve to be treated this way. All the furniture in that room was hers and
she would say to him this is my room my things my house etc....
This went on forever. I finally went out and bought my son a whole
new bedroom suite mattresses and all. So now he had something of his own
weather right or not. I moved her dresser out in the hallway with her
posters over it and a basket of her things beside it. This was now her
spot. I gave her her own shelf in the linen closet for whatever she wanted
to put on it.
I explained that she had a room at her mother's house that she got to
decorate the way she wanted and my son now lives here and he deserves to
have the same right. She wasn't at all happy and I understand but she was
torturing my son.
Six months ago we moved. Her big complaint was that she needs her
own room again. My boyfriend and I fight constantly over this issue. He now
resents my son and thinks that I spoil my boys. Otherwise we have a great
relationship we are fine on all other issues but the children. So now he is
moving to a two bedroom duplex where his daughter can have a bedroom for the
4 nights that he has her. He says that things will be better this way. He
says that she needs her own room. I told him she does where she lives with
her Mom. He thinks that we can start over dating and living apart after
living together for 2 years. We have and appointment with a blended family
psy. later this month. He seems to think that this will work but I don't I
think that if he is sincere about making things work then he needs to stay
where the problem is and work on it. Instead of catering to her. Now she
is the winner and what does this prove? His plan is to prove himself to my
sons and his daughter. Then when things are better, getting married. But
then she will be back in the same situation. He says that our love for each
other is strong enough to make it through this phase. I'm speaking for
myself and I think he's crazy. I told him one day when our children are
grown up and gone who will we have because I can't go this route.
HELP, Leah
Dear Leah: Wow...a complex situation to be sure and one with no easy solution. I can understand your boyfriend's perspective, your perspective and his daughter's perspective. And, it seems to me, that the best place to start with all of this is his daughter's perspective. From her point of view, you and your sons moved into her space with her father and took some of her private space away. So, not only did she lose her 1:1 home with her father, she lost her private space in that home. Let's remember, please, that this is from the perspective of a 10 year old, ok? Therefore, all of the rational adult thinking in the world won't soothe her since she's young and since this is an emotional issue for her. In all likelihood, she felt as if she was no longer as important, special and loved as she was before you and your sons moved in and this would be a normal and typical response for a child her age. The fact that she has a room at her mother's house has nothing to do with it since if things were fair, her parents would not have divorced to begin with, right? It sounds as if the entire approach to this child was to try and talk her out of her feelings and if you stop and think about it, who wants to be talked out of their feelings? Feelings need to be understood, validated, accepted in order for them to begin to change. When she started having a negative response, it sounds as if you were the adult in the home that tried to explain to her how things were. I think that this was a huge mistake. You are not her parent and, in fact, it is you and your sons that she perceives as causing the problem in the first place. You say that YOU moved her stuff into the hall and YOU gave her a shelf in the linen closet. While I understand what you were trying to do here, if these actions were to be taken, they should have been initiated by her father and introduced to her by him. I am glad that you are going to see a psychologist who specializes in blended families. It sounds like some education and information with regard to such issues would be helpful to everyone. You certainly want to keep this from degenerating into an "us vs. them" situation and, unfortunately, it sounds that this is how things have gone for you. I know that this isn't easy and it will take some effort and empathy to brings things right. I thank you for writing and wish you all the best.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am inclined to think that my stepdaughter is unusually insecure and I was hoping you could tell me if her behavior is that of an average 13 year old or if maybe she needs counseling. History: Stepdaughters parents divorced when she was 4 years old, father moved out of state and saw her once or twice a year until she turned 8 and then she would come and visit for a month or two every summer. (Her mother would not let her leave the state until court ordered.) Her father would talk to her at least three times a day and still does. Fast forward to now, her father has lived in the same state for three years now and has every other weekend visitation and any other time feasable. We have been married for two years and have only missed one weekend, by her mother's request, but made up for it by her comming over during the week. So I do not really understand why when step daughter is over, she is constantly asking him where he is going, when he is obviously not leaving the house, like in his pajamas and headed to the bathroom. She would like to sleep in our room and wants her dad to "tuck her in" if he makes her sleep in her room. She does not like for people to come over when she is there. If her dad say's he is wearing jeans instead of shorts, she will go change into jeans from shorts. He (her father) even noticed she was on him like velcro and did not understand. He tried to tell her and has over and over that he is not moving out of state ever again etc. She calls every morning at 6:30, then again at 6:00 pm when she thinks he will be home, if he is not, she will continue to call every hour until he gets home and then again before she goes to bed at 9:30 or 10:00. Even when she is at a friends house spending the night. I just wonder if this is how 13 year olds act, or does she have issues with her dad? Any insight or direction on this would be most beneficial.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer:
This is, indeed, unusual behavior for a child this age. It sounds as if this child has a somewhat anxious attachment to her father and is afraid that he is somehow going to leave her. Usually in such a situation, the situation is more complex than what the child has been through historically. Indeed, it is often the case that the parent behaves in a fashion that either confirms the child's fear or signals the child that the parent wants the child to be unrealistically dependent. An example of what you have presented is the father calling the child three times a day. In any event, it does seem that some counseling, probably not only for the child but for the family, is appropriate and I strongly encourage you to seek out qualified help.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am the stepmother of an 8 year old boy which my husband has custody of. His mother is very bitter about not having custody and is constantly saying negative things about my husband to her son or arguing in front of him. Recently she left with my stepson on an out of town trip with out discussing it with my husband and she claimed that she was in Orlando. We later found out that she was out of state in New York. She had my step son lying about the trip and telling us that he was in Orlando. My husband did not confront my step son with the lie because we understand that he was put up to it and it is not his fault. This is not the first incident we have had but I have great concern because my step son already expresses many emotional problems and also has been diagnosed with ADHD (at 4) and Bi-polar. What are the affects on my stepson when he is being thought by his mother to lie. We teach our boys about morals so how is it possible to reverse or confront the situation. Thank you for your reply in advance.
Dear Stepmom: You are right not to confront the child in a fashion that makes him feel that he did something wrong because he did what he had to do in the situation. You can, however, let him know that you are aware that he was not in Orlando and that you imagine it was hard for him not to be able to tell the truth. This lets him know that you value truth and that you value his well being as well. I know it is tempting but it sounds like you can avoid the pitfall of asking the child to do the same thing at some point when he is with you, just to "get back" at the mother. What also disturbes me about what you report is the fact that the child's mother takes the child out of state and you do not know where he is. This is not a good sign in terms of potential safety issues for the child and raises for me concern about whether she might, at some point, choose to abscond with the child. If I were in your shoes, I would consult with an attorney about what took place if, for no other reason, to document this incident incase at some point in the future you need to take legal action. Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I just won sole custody of my son. Bio father has one night every other weekend. Son is 3. Throughout the court battle ex has had a girlfriend, but will not tell who she is, or where she lives. He has said she does not want me to come near her house, or contact there. At the moment he has to have him at "his" primary residence, which he says is at his sisters. Now that the court battle is done, he is going to move in with the girlfriend, still refusing to tell me who she is. My son does tell me he does not like the woman. I am very concerned. What is wrong with this woman that they have to hide her? Also, he refuses to give me a phone number. He has a pager with voice mail, but does not answer it. I am prevented from calling it except in extreme emergencies. I thus have no way of contacting him, or my son while he is at dad's. What can I do?
Dear Mom:
Your situation is a complex one from several perspectives. Both parents of a 3 year old should know where the child is and how he can be reached. Children are not posessions to be secreted away and hidden. Of course, I can't say why your former husband doesn't want you to know anything about his girlfriend but it would be due to his concern about your intruding on his life as much as it could be about there being something wrong with the girlfriend as you suspect. In any event, while you have no right to know about the girlfriend, you do have a right to know where your son is and you have a right to expect the father to comply with court orders much as he has a right to expect you to comply with them (since to do so minimizes conflict and is in the best interest of the child). I have to tell you, frankly, that it also worries me to hear you use the term "win" when you speak of the custody of your child. You didn't "win" because there is nothing to "win" here - we are talking about a child. I have to wonder if your viewing things as win/lose isn't a part of the dynamic in your situation that your child's father is responding to. Both of you need to keep in mind that your son needs to be free to love each of you openly and without limits.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
DEAR DR. SIMON,
I HAVE A 9 YR OLD SON AND A 6 YR OLD DAUGHTER FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. MY CURRENT HUSBAND AND I MET WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS ONLY 8 MONTHS OLD. AT THE TIME MY X HAD ALMOST NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILDREN SO MY HUSBAND BASICALLY BECAME THE FATHER. OUR PROBLEM IS THAT MY HUSBAND FEELS HE HAS NO CONNECTION WITH MY SON. HIS BIO. FATHER HAS CAME BACK IN THE PICTURE WITHIN THE LAST SIX MONTHS AND MY HUSBAND FEELS LIKE HE IS DOING EVERYTHING WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH MY SON. SO INSTEAD OF TRYING DIFFERENT THINGS OR WORKING ON IT HE JUST WANTS TO BASICALLY DO NOTHING AND HAVE ALMOST NO PART IN RAISING MY SON. HE SAID HE WILL BE THERE IF HE NEEDS HIM BUT OTHER THAN THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE DOING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN. PLUS THIS IS ONLY WITH MY SON NOT MY DAUGHTER AND WE ARE EXPECTING A CHILD IN A FEW WEEKS. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT WE CAN DO. I FEEL LIKE MY ONLY OPTION NOW IS TO FIND PARENTING CLASSES TO HELP ME RAISE MY SON AS IF DOING IT ALONE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.
LOVE & GOD BLESS, DISTRAUGHT
Dear Distraught:
I don't think the problem is really about your son. I think it is about
your communication with your husband, his communication with you and his
feelings about himself. Therefore, it doesn't sound to me like a parenting
class is going to really be a good fix for this problem. I might suggest,
instead, that you and your husband sit down with a good marital counselor
and talk these issues out within the context of your marital relationship.
Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My son had to serve 4 years in prison for a wreck. His son was born while he was there and he was able to see him the first 2 years of his life. His wife divorced him and has remarried for the 3rd time. She has another son by her first marriage and a stepson by her present husband. I live 4 hours away from my grandson but I have visited him every other weekend and have had him and his halfbrother (when school allowed) at least a week to 3 weeks out of every month since he was born 31/2 years ago. I have provided my grandson with everything he has needed, paid and am still paying some of the mother's bills, paying for my grandson's preschool and take the children on vacation every summer. I have had wonderful access to my grandson and this child loves me as much as I love him!!
My son is coming home in April, 2004. He wants to see his son and help raise him. He wants to pay his child support and do whatever he needs to help raise his son. I have just found out that my ex-daughter in law is trying to get my grandson to call his step father "daddy". I have not told my grandson about his father, I felt like that was not my place but, recently my daughter and I were talking about his father and he somehow picked up on the fact that this was his daddy and he asked questions. We did tell him his daddy would be home soon. My daughter does not try as hard as I do to "keep the peace". She feels like we should tell him "everything" about his daddy. We dropped the subject and no more questions. I took him home from our weekend together and 4 days later his mother calls me and my grandson was crying and she put him on the phone and started screaming at him to tell her, tell her!!! He was saying no, no, but he finally asked me "where was his daddy"? I was speechless and did not know what to do. The mother got on the phone and started screaming at me for telling him about his daddy and I told her blountly that we DID talk about his father and I am sorry about what he has picked up but maybe she needs to start telling him his father is coming home. How do I handle this??? When should he be told SOMETHING??? She is whipping him and screaming at him for talking about his real daddy and I do not know how to handle this.
Dear Grandmother:
If anything, your story serves to remind us that little ears hear everything and that it is so important to be careful what we say when it is even remotely possible that we might be overheard. The situation is a complicated one with a number of aspects. I do understand your grandson's mother being very upset if only because this comes as a shock to her. While this in no way makes it ok for her to punish the child for doing something that comes naturally to him (talking about his bioloigcal father), it is understandable that she is angry and upset with the situation.
Right now, it is best that all of the adults in the situation think clearly about what is best for the child, not what is best for the adults. Keeping as much consistency and continuity in his life is important. This means stability in his life with his mother and continuing his relationship with you since you have an important role in his life as well that he has come to expect and enjoy. It also means introducing his biological father to him slowly and not expecting him to immediately feel a close loving bond with him. After all, your son may well be essentially a stranger in this little boy's world and this needs to be respected. One does not expect a child to have the kind of immediate bond with your son that your son certainly feels towards the child as a parent. So this needs to be done with care and caution. If you have read some of the other quesitons/answers on this website, then you know that I strongly feel that the terms "mom" and "dad" are not terms that are easily interchangable with other adults. I think it is usually a poor idea to encourage a child to call a step-parent by the term of endearment that is usually reserved for their real parent. I recommend that another term of endearment be used and that the term "daddy" be reserved for his biological father even though this man is absent right now. It is never appropriate for a parent to encourage or insist that a child use this term towards anyone other than their actual parent in my opinion.
Best wishes to all of you, especially your son. Be patient with your daughter-in-law's anger and shock and be patient with your grandson forming a true and deep bond with his father once he comes home from prison. Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
For 4 yrs since my divorce from my young children's (ages 6 & 7) father,
we have worked out a joint custody agreement. There has never been a court
order for custody. It has been amended several times with respect to times
and finally for the past two years, has been totally shared (1 week on - 1
week off) custody.
I remarried 2 years ago. Everyone gets along quite fine -- although at
times I feel that my current husband and I have to juggle our schedules to
accommodate the father. We have done so without complaint. One is picking
the children up from school on his weeks and waiting for him to come to our
home and pick up the children because he can not adjust his schedule to
accommodate this. Often times he has come in his jogging attire. The other
was to pay him a lump sum at the end of the school year for child care cost
he paid but were deemed by him to be over his "budget" and refused to pay a
penny more. This was approx $700.
We recently were in the market to purchase a home. The home we were in did
not accommodate everyone comfortably. We asked the father where he would be
residing (as he said he would be also purchasing a home in the near future
and we wanted to remain in close proximity). He stated that he would be
purchasing a home 10 min north of where he now resides.
We purchase our home 15-20 min (16 km) north of where he is -- meaning that
when he did purchase a home we would be approx 5-10 min away from each
other.
The problem: He refuses to drop off and pick up the kids at the new school.
He says it is too inconvenient for him - too far to drive in the morning and
the evening. We offered up alternatives: 1. We would drop the children to
him on his weeks saving him the evening trip. -- Turned down outright. 2.
Take the children less during the school week. -- Again, turned down
outright.
I feel trapped. I have tried very hard to make this agreement work - but
am truly dumbfounded. He refuses to bend, compromise or sacrifice. His
suggestion and the only arrangement he will agree to is to put them in a
school in the middle of us - this would not be a home school. The kids
would not be seeing these children on the weekends or weekday evenings.
They would not be able to share in the many things children do with peers
they live in the same area with.
I feel my only recourse is to take this back to court and try for sole
custody with scheduled access. I feel at this point and really have felt it
previously, that I cannot reason with their father. He is just so unwilling
to go anywhere at anytime out of his way.
Do you agree with my recourse?
Thank you
Donna
Dear Donna:
Going to court is something that I think of as a last recourse. It seems
that once parents such as yourselves take an issue to court, that a barrier
is crossed and it becomes much easier to go to court rather than do the hard
work of negotiating, compromising and problem solving. While it may turn
out that you ultimately believe that going to court is your only recourse at
this time, I encourage you to think long and hard before doing so. I have
to wonder what else may have happened that would lead you and your
children's father to be unable to reach and agreement for the first time. I
would also ask you to consider whether it might make sense to sit down with
a mediator who might help you negotiate and problem solve.
Best wishes and good luck.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
I married into a family of four. My husband has three children from a
previous marriage and a two year old from a recent relationship. I came into
his life before the baby was old enough to know I wasn't her mother.
To make a long story short. She has no respect or love for me. She only
comes to me when her father is not around and she wants the channel changed
on the television or some kind of treat.
I fear that she hates me because I am the strict parent. I try to set
bedtimes and limit her intake of junk foods, jucies, and tv. Her father is
very lax with her and lets her get away with anything if she cries hard
enough.
When he does punish her she runs to him and ignores me. It is breaking my
heart and I am reconcidering my earlier decision to adopt her. I feel that
maybey there is something wrong. What should I do?
-Heather
Dear Heather:
You are going to reconsider your committment to this child because she is
acting like a child and doing what she has no doubt been taught to do by the
situation and the adults in it? In that case, I ask you to seriously think
about your ability to nurture, be emotionally commmitted to and be present
for a child. Parents stand by children even when doing so is painful and
difficult. When a two year old acts in the way that you describe, it is
because they have been somehow "taught" to act this way by the dynamics of
the situation. Stop blaming the child, Heather. Look at yourself, look at
your husband and take responsibility for the situation that you've created.
If you can't do this, you probably aren't ready to parent this child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody. Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation. He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. He is a sought after speaker and trainer. Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons. He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.
Questions for Dr. Simon can be sent to: ras@ix.netcom.com
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