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Dear Dr. Simon:
stays at my house Thursday, Friday, Saturday and every other Sunday. My Ex
wants custody of my daughter Monday through Friday saying that My daughter
needs to be with her all week. My daughter is 11 years old. I live about a
half mile from my ex and also have a 16 year on son that lives with me
fulltime. We have been doing this schedule for about 3 years now. I think
it is important to be involved with he through the week. She is only here
one school night (Thursday). My ex says that an 11 year old girl needs to
be with her mother and that the research says it is better. I would like
your opinion.
Thanks concerned Dad
Dear Dad:
year old is a priori better off with a same-sex parent. However, it is true
that as children become young men and young ladies, they, themselves, tend
to express a desire to be primarily in one household (primarily so their
friends will know where to find them!) and it also tends to be the case that
the child tends to express the desire to be with the same sex-parent. In my
experience, your daughter is a bit young to be subject to this typical
desire but of course all children are different and individual. And, in
general, I tend to agree with you that it is a great idea for each parent to
have some time with a child during the school week so that they can be
active, involved and supportive of the child's academic and extra-cirricular
efforts.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been recently visiting my father for 4 yours now. Most
visitations plans work except when every year he demands for more and takes
my mom to court. 4 years later I am now 14 and at the last visitation
modification trial my mom gave everything too him out of tiredness. He now
gets every weekend,holiday, or anyday im not in school. I'm 14 so now im
going to get a small job for extra money. I also want more time to spend
with my friends. When I tell him im not coming because im worikng or wann
hang with friends he get angry that i chose that over him. He also smokes. I
feel that he doesn't feel the burden of real parenting and doesn't no he
can't play "daddy" all the time and have playtime. My mom is reluctant to go
to court because she thinks i won't get the visitation lowered. So now im
stuck between an easily angered, smoking father who doesn't know how to make
good parenting choices or no job or friends and being a little kid for the
rest of my teens.
Please help
Dear Kyle:
belongs more and more to you and you have ideas for how you'd like to spend
your time that are very very important. I understand that you want to make
choices with regard to your whereabouts and I think that as a 14 year old,
your input should be given a good deal of weight. However, if you are
afraid that your dad will get angry and you aren't ready to deal with and
handle this anger, then perhaps you aren't yet mature enough to make
decisions with regard to your whereabouts. It is my experience that
beginning around age 14, courts tend to give the child a lot more say and
control with regard to where they spend their time. My suggestion - tell
your father exactly how you feel and don't be afraid of his anger. You
might also want to remind him that forcing you to spend time with him is no
way to build a good father-son relationship and only breeds resentment and
anger.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
doing what she wants or says OK and then does it anyway. She has started
lying, backtalking, arguing about everything and throwing major tantrums.
I've been divorced from her dad since her 1st birthday. I remarried 2 years
ago and now have a 1 year old daughter. Her dad just remarried 2 months
ago. Her behavior got bad for a short time when I first got married, but
nothing like this. I've tried rewards, loss of privileges or toys,
pleading, spanking. I try to be consistent. What else can I do??? I think
the new wife gives in easily as she is trying to find her place in the
family. Unfortunately, my daughter spends half her time with her so I can't
shield her from that (she spends 3 weeks with each of us and then switches
as we live 6 hours apart). Is this normal 4 year old behavior or is it due
to the adjustments she's having to make? She wasn't thrilled about giving
up her daddy to a new wife. I'm at my wit's end.
Dear Mom:
I'm bothered by the fact that instead of trying to come together to
understand this child, you seem to want to blame your child's father and his
new wife for what is going on. Of course, I can't tell exactly why your
daughter is doing what she is doing. I can tell you that certainly she is
underdoing an adjustment with her father hving recently married. Also, I'm
concerned that the child sharing plan you have for your child is extremely
difficult for a four-year-old to handle emotionally. Three full
uninterrupted weeks away from either parent seems an extraordinarily long
period of time. Yes, I realize that you and your child's father live six
hours from one another. However, to make the child the victim of this
geographic reality by dividing her up the way you are just doesn't seem to
be child-centered - instead it seems to be an attempt at adult-oriented
"fairness". So, let's not blame here. Let's try and understand the many
factors that might be impacting this child and try to come together to
address them. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
also has another son, and a soon to be step daughter. Our son is 5 his other
son is also soon to be 5 and the soon to be step daughter is 7 or 8. My
problem is this, the relationship between myself and my sons father is not
the best. When our son goes to visit him I expressed a concern for the fact
that he lived in a small 2 bedroom trailer and there would not be adequate
room for all of the children in the small bedroom. I requested at bare
minimum that our son at least have his own bed when visiting. On many
occasions I asked him and he stated to me that he did have his own bed. Now
I have found out that he is either sharing a bed with his brother or he is
sleeping on a fold out couch.
summer and I do not feel that our son is having enough room to feel he
belongs there instead of just a visitor. A child needs his own things a
strange environment to make him feel comfortable and there simply isn't
enough room for the 4 of them in the small trailer. When I call to talk to
him he always asks me to come and pick him up and how much longer he has to
stay and if I can hardly wait to get him. A 5 year old should be more
excited about playing not wanting to come home.
conditions improve I fear for his safety and that of the other childrens as
well. Three children is a room about 7X 7 surely can not be acceptable by
child safety acts.
Please give me your advice as soon as possible.
Sincerely, Melissa
Dear Melissa:
distress about the situation with your son. No parent likes to hear their
child sounding unhappy and asking for a change in their situaiton.
Nevertheless, I can imagine a number of reasons that your son might complain
about what is going on that might not have to do with his being quite as
unhappy as you believe he is. For example, I suspect that your son knows
that YOU do not like the situation. Perhaps, in part, he complains because
he believes that doing so is akin to being "loyal" to how you feel. He
could be worried about you being lonely when he is at his father's home. Of
course, he could also be very unhappy there. I just want you to encourage
you not to jump to conclusions about exactly what is going on. With regard
to the bed/sleeping situation, sure you want your son to have his own bed.
Sure that's optimal. That's what I want for my kids too. However, please
remember that many children grow up sharing a bed, sleeping on a couch and
so forth. Sadly, not every child is fortunate enough to have their very own
sleeping area.
child go to visit his father for 4-6 weeks or not. That's a legal matter.
You need legal advice on this. I can tell you that if he does go, you need
to be positive, you need to encourage him, you need to do everything you can
to mask your own anxiety and you need to be very clear with your son that it
is fine with you that he goes and enjoys his time with his father and
brother.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
year old son every weekend. He lets him sleep with him and his girlfriend
of a month or so. I feel this is inappropriate parenting and he says its
just fine and nothing wrong with it. I asked him if his girl could stay at
her own home those two nights and he said no and that he could maybe make a
bed on the floor for our son. I absolutely don't like this either. He
tells me I am overreacting and being very silly.
Please, Please tell me your opinion.
Thank you.
Kathy
Dear Kathy:
begin with. More importantly, I think that your very young son needs time
to make the transition/adjustment to the reality of his parents getting
divorced before either parent forces a new relationship upon him in quite
this way. If the father insists on having the girlfriend spend the night,
at least your son should have his own place to sleep and preferrably not on
the floor in the same room with his father/girlfriend but in a separate
room.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
boyfriend here in Arizona. He has three children who currently live in
California but are moving to Illinois. These three children are living with
me and my boyfriend for the moment, for their visitation with their father.
The mother, who has primary custody, seems to want to dictate if I can be in
these children's lives. Can she do this? She threatened to try to have me
arrested for kidnapping, which I didn't since I had my boyfriends permission
to drive the children to daycare. Can she do this? I am fearful and don't
want to do anything illegal, but she is insanely jealous of me, and dictates
how the children can spend the visitation with the father. What should I
do? What can I do legally if anything?
Dear Writer:
won't give you any legal advice. I can tell you, however, that what you are
experiencing is surprisingly common. After divorce, it so often happens
that when a parent begins a new relationship, the other parent feels
concerned, upset or somehow threatened by the presence of another adult in
the lives of the children. So often, all kinds of outlandish threats,
ultimatums and statements are made which tend to be purely emotional. In
terms of managing such a problem, I advise that you don't overreact or get
too overly concerned. Don't take the bait and don't feel that you have to
respond to each statement or provocation. Just go about your business, do
what you do in your home and in so doing using your good decision making and
you won't fuel the fire. Give the situation time to calm down. Of course,
if the mother does take some inappropriate action, you can consult an
attorney and see what you can do legally.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
9 weeks pregnant. I have a son that is 4. My fiance' has a little girl that
is 8, the only problem is that she is not biologically his. She has no idea
about her real dad nor does he know about her. Her mother doesn't see
anything wrong with this and doesn't see it as lying. She does not ever want
to tell her. I believe that right now is the best time to tell her before we
get married and before we tell her about the baby. She's at an age where she
will understand the concrete facts but not yet old enough to understand
fully and hold a grudge. Also we won't build her up by telling her all this
news and then tear her world down later, she will already know the truth. I
think we need to tell her before she developes a sense of self, if we wait
until she is older I believe she'll suffer more and not trust us. I refuse
to lie to my children and believe that we would be starting a cycle that
doesn't need to exist. I am so stressed out and cry almost every day. This
is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but deep down
I can't live a lie, especially to children. My fiance' is very understanding
but is scared that he will never get to be part of her life if he tells her
the truth. He's afraid her mother will be so angry that she won't let him
see her anymore and there is no seeing eye to eye with this woman we have
tried. Can we tell her the truth now? Your advice is very much
appreciated!!!!!
Dear Stepmom To Be:
information is as early as they can comprehend it and in a form that is
developmentally appropriate for them. You are right to be concerned about
the child's identity development. That is a clear concern. However, ther
"right" time to do this is also a time when the adult(s) involved are also
comfortable and ready. Your fiancee may not be ready.
ex-wife may not be the best but I am sure that both want what they believe
is best for the child. I would suggest that the child's parents sit down
with a qualified child psychologist and get the advice of this expert as to
what would be best for the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have primary placement, with her visiting her father every other weekend.
I am currently a stay-at-home mom. Both myself and my former spouse are
re-married, and have welcomed new children into our families. This summer,
he asked if she could spend the majority of one month with him, allowing her
to visit me two of the four weekends. After agreeing to try this, he then
asked if it were "fair" that he have to pay the state-ordered child support
for that month. We live in Wisconsin. His reasoning is because she will be
with him the majority of the month, he shouldn't have to pay. Rather than
simply NOT paying or filing a formal change in the order, he wants to
withhold his portion of the 50/50 items he usually pays (medical bills,
camps, extracurricular activities, etc.) and is required to pay per our
divorce decree until that amount reaches the monthly support amount,
effectively negating that amount for that month. My husband and I do not
feel this is acceptable. Our budget, and monetary commitments, will not
change significantly during my daughter's absence for the month. We still
pay 100% of our mortgage, our family insurance, contributions to investments
we have for her education, etc. Am I being selfish if I tell him I don't
agree with his reasoning? Should I let him take it to the court to decide
and if so, is it worth it? We have tried to be amicable over the years, and
for the most part, I am the one always making concessions. Most recently,
he badgered me into reducing the initial amount of support by almost 40%,
and I don't want him to think that I am going to continue entertaining his
every whim and make changes every time he thinks it's necessary. I want to
do what's best for my daughter, and the money really isn't the issue.it's
the principal. What should I do? Thank you.
Dear Mom:
I can tell you that where I live, child support is computed with the issue
of summer vacations and extended time with one or both parents figured in.
With regard to the issue of medical expenses and camps and such, these are
usually parental obligations no matter what the time share or where the
child is located - at least that's how it works where I live.
attorney, I simply had to respond. My reason is simple. It really is
upsetting and so harmful to children with one or both parents tries to
equate time with money. Children need medical/dental care no matter where
they are. Supporting children, under all circmstances, is a moral
obligation. As a psychologist, I have to question the motive of a parent
who, upon being given "extra" time with a child, attempts to turn that into
a financial equivalent. This doesn't speak to love and compassion for a
child but, I fear, speaks to a self-orientation that isn't about the child
but is, instead, about the parent.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Simon,
My name is Nicci. Ive been battling with this ordeal I have been having
for about 3 years now. I myself have a 6 year old son. When my son was 2,
I met a nice man who also had a 1 year old daughter. Weve been talking
about getting married for a couple of years. We also have a child together
now. He is the love of my life but I hate his daughter. I cant stand seeing
her or hearing her voice. I dont want my feelings to come between us but I
just cant stand the little girl. Her mom really didnt bring her up right,
or maybe its just not the way I brung up my son. Anyways I've been trying
to get past the hate I have for her but I've had no luck. At one time when
I first met him a liked her but then when I got pregnant with our child
almost 2 years ago I started disliking her and now its to the point of hate,
which I know is not good. PLEASE help!
NICCI
Dear Nicci:
the word "hate" as you do, it scares me. I mean, we are talking about
little children here! How can you possibly hope to raise your own children
in a positive and loving manner when you allow yourself to spew hatred
towards a child as young as six years old? My solution? Get some therapy
for yourself RIGHT NOW and look into what it is inside of you that hurts as
badly as it does that results in your feeling hatred towards a little child.
You won't be able to do right by either of your own children, let alone your
boyfriend or his child with the problems you struggle with inside of
yourself.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
two daughters who live with there mother. They are 13 and 11. I get along
with his girls very well most of the time. I am very concerned about the
physical closeness he and his 13 yr. old have. He has always been very
cuddly, etc. with his girls and they would often sleep in the same bed with
him. I didn't think much of this untill now, because they are getting older.
In the last 6 months or so the physical closeness with his oldest daughter
has increased to a point of being very uncomfortable to me. When she is here
visiting, i feel like i am being replaced in every way except sexually. They
cuddle on the couch together, hold hands, and she even puts her leg over on
top of his leg. She has to sit or be near him as much as she can. I recently
was out of town for the night and i found out that she slept with him in his
bed. She acts like his girlfriend or wife more than his daughter. I have
never seen other 13 year old girls act this way with their father. I know
that a girls first crush can sometimes be with their father but, i also know
that the father should set those boundaries. When i talk to him about this
he is very defensive and says that he does'nt get to see his girls very much
(they live 5 hours away). He also thinks that i am jealous of his daughter
and that i am being hard on her. Could you please give me some advice on how
to handle this.
ThankYou
Dear Girlfriend:
with you and what you are and are not comfortable with. Tell him that you
feel pushed aside when his child is there. Tell him what your limits are
and what you will and will not tolerate. Leave the rest to him. Thank you
for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
ages 11, 9, and 6. My 9 year old son has just asked me who wanted the to
get the divorce, you or Mommy. (It was his mother who wanted it.) I don't
know how to answer his question. Please help.
Thanks
Bob
Dear Bob:
separation/divorce, the failure of marriages are always the responsibility
of both parents. Regardless of who "wanted" the divorce, both parents have
to share responsibility for a marriage that comes apart. Therefore, it is
best to explain to children that sometimes parents stop seeing eye-to-eye
and that they believe it is best for them to no longer be together. Remind
the children that both parents love them very much and that it is important
to you that they love both of you. When you tell your children who "wanted"
the divorce, you begin to involved them in a cycle of blame which only leads
to hurt and unnecessary conflict for them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
sons that are teenagers and one daughter that is five years old. Custody is
jointly shared between mother and father. My question deals with the
daughter. Whenever she visits her mother, she comes home wearing clothes
that are sometimes three sizes to small, and is worn out with holes.
Usually it is something she can't wear again. When her father puts anything
worthwhile on her, the mother keeps it. He is constantly having to buy
clothes and shoes to dress his daughter in. The two parents live at least
an hour apart and they meet in between for the switch, so if shoes are not
put back on his daughters feet, he is just out of luck.
Sometimes if the mother doesn't have anything in a hurry to put on her
child, she will put boots on her, even in very hot weather or no shoes when
it is cold. The daughter will wear the same nice outfit her dad puts her in
the whole time she is with mother and in the car on the way back the clothes
are switched to something worn out for the return. (The boys tell us this.)
For the most part, the daughter comes back dirty and ragged looking. He has
confronted the mother about it, but she just ignores it by continuing the
practice. Will he always be buying clothes and supplying the mother? There
is no child support from the mother, so he buys clothes for all four
children. How can he stop this ongoing problem?
Baffled Friend
Dear Friend:
hear often, believe it or not. Let me tell you what has been of help for
other folks. The parent who is not getting clothing back simply keeps track
of the clothing he/she sends on the child when the child goes with the other
parent. A copy of this is kept and a copy is given to the other parent.
When the child comes back, the parent notes what the child is wearing. At
the next exchange, an updated list is given that includes what came back
with the child, what is being returned with the child, dates of the exchange
an so forth. This tends to impress on the "irresponsible" parent that the
other parent is quite serious about the problem and tends to support more
appropriate behavior. I'm interested in input from other readers about what
has worked for them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a single mother of two. My daughters are 5 and 2 years old. My
husband and I divorced last year and it was a peaceful separation (at least
to the children). We have both maintained a civil relationship with each
other and he does see the children on a regular basis. Both children
primarily live with me. Right now I am having difficulty with my oldest
daughter who believes the world owes her something. She has become
extremely ungrateful and unappreciative of everything she has or does not
have. Now I know to some extent this is normal for a child of 5. I am also
aware that she has nothing to compare it to. She has never done without
anything. My children have everything they need and most of everything that
they want. I have taken things away from her, I have (with her unwilling
participation) packed up some of her toys and we have taken them to a needy
child so she may see that there are other children out there that have it
worse than she. None of this seems to be effective. I do not know how to
make her understand that this world doesn't revolve around her. When I try
to explain this, I end up angry and feel like it's a slap in the face. Her
father and I work very hard to provide and provide well for them.
How do you teach a 5 year old to be thankful for two parents that love her
unconditionally and for a roof over her head, food in her stomach, great
schools and love???
HELP!
Distressed Mother.
Dear Distressed Mother:
This is not the typical kind of question I answer on my website but I
really thought that your question begged for a response. Simply put,
children don't gain a sense of entitlement unless they are taught how to
have one! Rather than "explaining" to her that the world doesn't revolve
around her, change your parenting to show her that this is the case. And,
if you are getting mad when you try to talk to her, that means that what you
are saying or how you are saying it isn't appropriate. The solution, mom,
starts with you in this case.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
I have tried locating a similar question on your fabulous website but
was unable to; thus hear I am. I am a divorced father with 2 daughters
ages 9 and 7 and have visitation rights every weekend from Friday night
until Monday morning. I am currently involved in a long-distance
relationship with a beautiful and caring woman, Jen, for almost 2 years. My
children have only seen pictures of Jen and I would like everyone to meet in
person. I am considering a vacation and I am stuck wondering what is
appropriate for sleeping arrangements. I have been divorced for 6 years and
I have not dated until now so this is new to me. Is it ok for my children
to see Jen and I sleep in the same bed?
Thankyou,
Erik
Dear Erik:
Thanks for writing and thanks for your complilment. This is a question
that is complex because there are always issues of morality that come into
play. Morality, of course, is subjective and highly individual. From a
psychological point of view, I think with children the ages of your
daughters that it may be prudent not to share a bed with your girlfriend
during their first time meeting one another. My sense is that you want to
stay very focused on the girls and make it clear to them that they are the
priority in this visit and that their feelings come first. I think sharing
the bed, at this point, could communicate something other than this to them.
I hope this helps!!! Enjoy the visit.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
My ex has found a new love in Mexico and has decided to move from
California and to give primary physical custody to me of our 3 1/2 year old
son. She is wanting to have visitation / timeshare during a few weeks in
the summer and a week every other Christmas. She also wants the timeshare
to include our son travel to Mexico. She also wants to retain share legal
custody, and does not want or feel the need to pay child support or any part
of the the daycare cost.
My intuition says that I am okay with the non-payment of child support
and daycare cost. What I am struggling with is the idea of my son traveling
to Mexico during her timeshare period, and her retaining any legal custody.
I would prefer that I have sole custody, and limit her timeshare to include
travel anywhere outside of California.
I believe that shared parenting, and joint legal custody or what ever
you want to call it is the way to raise our son when two parents live in the
same area. However, when one parent decides to leave the child, and moves
to another state or country, doesn't want to pay for the expenses of the
child, and doesn't want to be a part of the day to day life of their child,
then I believe that it is best for the child that the non-custodial parent
not have any legal custody. I think that it is important for both parent to
have a relationship with their child. But when one parent choose not too --
other than to have mini-vacations, then I think that it should be up to the
custodial parent to soley decide where and when the child may have the
timeshare with the non-custodial parent.
A loving and caring father
Dear Caring Father:
It really doesn't matter what you "believe" should happen here. What
matters is what the law says and what the law says should happen. It
worries me whenever a parent finds a new love and moves away since this
means that the child will be separated from a parent. While there are
situations where this can't be helped, it usually is something the parent
chooses and in so doing, that parent is putting their needs/desires in front
of what is best for the child. In my book, this isn't how one parents.
Nevertheless, like it or not, the law lays out what the parental rights are
and are not and it is very hard for me to imagine the basis on which your
child's mother should relinquish her legal parental rights or give control
of the child's whereabouts to the other parent. In my experience, things
don't work like that.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
future together. He has been struggling with introducing me to his 3 girls
(15, 9, 7) because the oldest daughter says that as long as I am around her
parents will not get back together. She is angry about meeting me and my
boyfriend is afraid that she will hate him for it. She has not met me and
already hates me. Her parents have been split for 6 years now. His own
childhood experience with the death of his mother at age 12 is a horrible
one. He was adopted as an infant and when his mother died his father
remarried 1 year later and basically his new stepmother wanted nothing to do
with him and his sister so he ran away at
16 and they sent him to boarding school. He was not welcome home on the
weekends. His stepmother told him that his father picked her over him. He
does not want his children to feel one ounce of what he felt. The situation
with me is completely different but he can't help but still be afraid. Is
this an impossible situation? I feel like it is.
Thank you for your forum,
Liz
Dear Liz:
fears when it comes to introducing their children to a new love interest.
It seems that you have some insight into the developmental dynamics attached
to your boyfriend's fears and from what you describe, they are deeply rooted
and long-standing.
relationship with you enough to begin approaching his fears? You may be in
a situation that isn't impossible so much as it is complex and will take a
good deal of time to work through. Were I in your situation, I'd be very
clear with my boyfriend about what I feel, what my limits are and discover
whether he appears ready to take small steps towards resolving the matter in
a way that benefits one and all. I wish you luck and best wishes with this.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
and I have one (21). The two youngest, a 16 year old son and 14 year old
daughter visit every other weekend. He drives 3 hours round trip to pick
them up and then take them home after the visit - their mother will not
assist with the transportation.
with one another. Recently, she has become very needy and if he is in the
kitchen working she will come and put her arms around his neck and stay
there while he works. If he is sitting in a chair, she will get on her
knees beside the chair and drape herself across his lap, put her head on his
shoulder and stroke his hair. Is this appropriate for a 14 year old girl?
When I expressed my concern over this behavior, my husband blew up and said
I'm trying to dictate his affection with his daughter.
Please help me.
Dear New Stepmom:
transition with their father having re-married. Yes, even teenagers feel a
sense of loss when a parent re-marries because they now have to "share" the
parent with someone else and accept someone new into the family. When you
speak with your husband, please make sure that you do so in terms of concern
about his child versus being critical of her or of him. If he is
unreceptive, back off, breathe and relax and give everyone time to adjust.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
crisis. He has lived with me most of his 7 young years while visiting with
his mother only when she made him come to her house. For the last 6 months
my nephew has stayed at my home, I have fed him and bought clothes and made
sure all his necessities were met while the only contact he had with his
parents was about once a week when he was made to go home. Recently he has
started saying he wanted to live with me all the time and just visit his
parents occassionally. when I asked him why, he replied that mom sleeps all
the time and daddy can only play with sister. When he spoke of this to his
parents, his father decided the he had gone too far at this time and
demanded he come home and not spend another night with this family.
So now every time I see him he starts crying and just holds to me and bawls.
will always have a place to stay with me, but his parents love him and miss
him terribly. I have spoken with his parents to try to ease this
transition, but they say he is young and will get over it. Please advise.
Dear Aunt:
simple way to help this young man cope that I can think of. What you are
doing sounds right on target - that is to reassure him that you love him,
that his own family loves him and miss him and to assure him that you will
always be there for him. Certainly, he needs a good deal of time to make
the adjustment so please give it time. I would also try to sit down with
his mom and dad so that you can all team up and work together for his best
interest - this will absolutely be supportive of him and will assure him
that he is loved by everyone. I hope this helps and I wish all of you well.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.
Simon:
wondering if you could help me with a problem. My husband and I have
custody of his two sons. In the beginning (12 years ago) they were with
their mother (with every other weekend with us) until
1995 when their mother wanted them to come live with us full time. Which we
did. In 2002 she then determined that she wanted them with her every other
week which we alos did mainly because that is what the boys wanted and their
ages. One month ago - she decided that she wanted the boys with us again
full time and she would see them on weekends when possible.
(who is just shy of 15 at this point). He has always had a very bad temper
and has the problem of blaming everything on everyone eles - even when it is
obviously something he has done wrong. He has never listened to reasonable
requests about counseling. There is constant fighting and he is verbally
abusive to myself and his father. Now that he is back full time things have
gotten worse. He fights with either his father, me or both of us every
night. He throws things, slams things and curses. I am at a loss as to
what to do - no amount of taking priveleges away or anything else has helped
- he just doesn't care. He has completely disrupted our home life and I am
afraid he will start to become physically abusive. My concerns are not so
much for myself or husband but for our 4 year old daughter.
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions that you may have.
Sincerely - L.
Dear L:
that there may be several things to think about when understanding this
problem. First, this young man clearly has had inconsistency in his life
vis-a-vis parenting plans and probably, therefore, attachment and trust. At
this age as he seeks to define who he is and become his own person, it is
not surprising that with this history he brings a good deal of impulsivity
and anger to the developmental challenge. From what you say, it seems that
his mother may also be somewhat impulsive, unstable and angry by nature.
This makes me wonder whether there may not be a genetic component to this
behavior which may reflect a psychiatric problem such as depression or
bipolar disorder. Please be clear - I am NOT diagnosing this youngster but
pointing out that it certainly sounds well worth it to have him properly
evaluated by a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist and then take it from
there. In the mean time, be very clear, consistent and predictable with
limits, rewards, consequences and expectations with this young man. Do not
debate these or negotiate them and be sure to offer him ample incentive to
cooperate and get along.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have been married for 11 years raising my spouse's son as my own. We
decided against adoption since the child's natural parent had given up their
rights several years ago. My son has never known his biological parent.
However the relationship has deteriorated and I asked my spouse for a
divorce. My spouse now claims that if I go through with the divorce, I will
never be able to see my son again. I feel as if I am being held hostage. If
I leave I could lose my relationship with my son.
What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
It always saddens me when children are used as pawns in struggles
between parents. Alas, this something that happens a great deal and is
something that otherwise good parents are vulnerable to. One can only hope
that your husband, in a fit of anger, made these statements to you but, in a
calmer moment, will realize that following through on this threats are not
best for your son.
do in this situation. One thing that I would do if I were you would be to
get a good legal opinion on the matter and see if you might have some
custodial rights despite the fact that you are not a legal parent.
Otherwise, I would strongly suggest that you consult with a therapist to
more directly sort out your feelings and options. Finally, give yourself
and your husband time to cool down and more carefully consider what is best
for the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear
Dr. Simon,
My boyfriend and I have been friends for seven years and we have
been dating for three. We began dating while he was separated from his
wife. She was somewhat amicable in the divorce process until she found out
he was dating me, seven months after he moved out. Unfortunately, she then
became very angry and bitter, assuming he had been having an affair while
they were still living together. Meanwhile, my boyfriend does what he can
not to make waves with her. They have two adorable children, ages 8 and 5,
whom live with their mother. He sees them once a week and every other
weekend. In the last couple years, the children have grown very fond of me.
I love them dearly as well, and sometimes wish I could contact them in
various ways when I miss them. For instance, this week his daughter had a
medical procedure performed while in her mother's care. Her father went to
visit her in the clinic and I asked him to bring a little note on scratch
paper from me wishing her well. She was so excited about it that she wanted
to show her mother. Unfortunately, her mother was not so pleased and told
her that she had to return it to her father. His daughter was visibly
saddened. My boyfriend told me what happened and asked me not to send them
little notes anymore. I felt horrible that my small gesture actually hurt
his daughter by putting her in the middle (in the doctor's office, of all
places!) So my question is how do I show the children I care without making
them feel uncomfortable when they are not at their dad's home? Or is my
boyfriend right - this something that I shouldn't be doing?
Thank you
Hello:
It is unfortunate that a note from you should cause such a stir. If
writing such a note places the child in an untenable situation, then your
best move is to recognize this and choose not to engage in actions that
place the child in a situation in which she has to deal with such forces of
conflict. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with your sending
the note and if I were your boyfriend, I would stand up to my ex-wife and
let her know that she has to learn to deal with the fact that I am now in a
relationship with you. Perhaps you and your boyfriend need to talk more
about what is an dis not appropriate, what the boundaries need to be and
help him detach yet another notch from his former wife.
Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
longer actually, but she was married...now separated). My 10 year
old son has only meet her a handful of times. I just received an email
today from my ex stating the girlfriend will be moving in
with him. He says that he has talked to my son about it, and that he is
fine with it. However, my son tells his Dad what he wants
to hear. He is afraid of upsetting his Dad. When Dad hears things he
doesn't like, he walks away, leaves. My son has had a stomach ache for two
weeks now and we can't figure out why. I asked his father today when he
told our son about this, he said two weeks ago. I think my
son is upset about this but doesn't want to rock the boat. My ex was
furious when I mentioned that the stomach could be related
to this situation. Am I wrong in thinking it is too soon for the girlfriend
to be moving in?
Dear Mom:
too soon for this to happen, then in your opinion, it is too soon. The
thing is that the choices of what goes on in the father's home and life are
the father's, not yours. You can talk to him about your concerns but
ultimately, these are his decisions to make, right or wrong. I know...you
want to protect your child and feel it is your job to do so but what can you
really do in this situation? Just be the best mom you can be in your home
and let you son know that you recognize his feelings. You can try and help
your son become more assertive and willing to talk with his father about
what is on his mind but, again, you can't make him do that either. Divorce
is always hardest on the kids and this is another example of that,
unfortunately.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hi Dr. Simon:
have had joint custody of our sons, now 21, 16, 14 years old. They stay at
my home 2 days a week and his home 2 days and then every other weekend. We
live within blocks of each other so they go back and forth as they please.
About 3 months ago my 16 year old came to me and said that he is not going
back to his fathers house and wants to stay with me and his step-father full
time. He refuses to speak with his father at all. The problem is his
father is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling and I guess my son
reached his limit...been there done that...my other 2 sons can deal with
their fathers behavior better than he has...kind of like he was the easiest
target to control...I still wish they could work something out to have some
type of relationship but my son says he's not ready. I'm having a terrible
time trying to deal with all of this. His father questions me about why he
won't talk and then gets defensive and we start arguing then Mamma Bear
really comes out and I'm in the middle again. Part of me feels terrible for
his father and another part feels that he is getting everything he deserves.
I just keep supporting my sons feelings in the matter and let him decide
when he's ready and have started taking him to a psychologist to maybe help
him sort things out but I feel like we're getting nowhere fast.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Dear Mama Bear:
things to support your son at this point. At age 16, he certainly is old
enough to have a major say in his whereabouts. I would only suggest that
you not do his bidding for him and try and avoid conflict with his father
over this. Simply deflect and explain to the father that you understand his
concern and his pain but that you can't and won't do your sons communication
for him. It is great that you've taken him to a therapist. Allow this
professional to work with your son and help your son become ready to
communicate with his father.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
has been in abusive relationships, gone to jail, doesn't pay child support
even though he is court ordered to do so, doesn't have a job, became sober
and converted to Catholicism all for the love of women. My son is 9 and his
dad has been in his life (when it has been most convenient for him) since my
son was 4 almost 5. His dad doesn't make parent nights at school, forgets
to pick him up for school, changes visitation times at the last minute,
etc...I have since remarried and have another child. I have sole custody of
my son.
certain movies because we feel they are inappropriate and he tends to get
scared at many images that are shown on the screen these days. My son's dad
knows which movies we feel are inappropriate...we have discussed them...he
disagrees and my son comes home and is upset because his dad let him watch a
movie that we have said 'no' to on many occasions. I call his dad and have
to leave a message - I explain to my son that I'm not upset with him, I'm
upset with his dad. I feel like his dad pits me against my son and doesn't
really consider my son's feelings or how he will react to this movie later
on...which by the way, will be nightmares, not being able to get to sleep,
etc...
sure not the last time. My son comes home afraid that I'm going to be mad
at him and at his dad...while he is with his dad, he can't say 'no' to the
movie because his dad sees nothing wrong with letting him see the movie.
than what is being told...it is just hard to convey in an email. I would
just like to know how can you argue with an idiot?
What's your advice?
Thanks.
Dear Mom:
This is another one of those situations in which a parent is
concerned about the judgement of the other parent but essentially cannot do
anything about it. I can tell you that courts are reluctant to micromanage
parental behavior in a fashion that has the court directing what types of
movies can and cannot be seen. Your job in this situation is to reinforce
with your son that it is OK for him to tell his father what he feels good
about seeing and what he doesn't feel good about seeing. Your job is also
to inform the father about how you see your son reacting, what your concerns
are about your son's feelings and how you find your son's best interests are
served in your home. There is really no point in being too critical of the
father to his face because he is likely to reject the criticism and this may
only harden the point of view that you are concerned with. I know it is
hard but in divorce and co-parenting, the simple truth is that there are
things that go on in the other home that you can't really do anything about
and this is a fact of the child's life and reality. There is no point in
aruging with an idiot, as you put it, so don't. Provide information,
alternatives and recognize what you can and cannot do something about.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter has just divorced after 20 years of marriage. She has
two daughters, 4 and 10. Her ex husband lives 4.5 hours away. He gets the
girls every other weekend. They (the girls) miss their mother so much when
they are away from her, probably because of the upsetting divorce,( their
mom's decision). They cling to her when they are with her. Now my daughter
is planning a vacation for 7 days with her new boyfriend and without the
girls. It will be the week before my vacation and I will be watching the
girls. My daughter refuses to come back early so my husband and I can turn
the girls over to her and peacefully go on our trip. She wants me to turn
them over to their dad and I know they will be even more upset seeing me go
away after seeing their mom go away also. I am so upset about the whole
thing. Their dad is a great guy and loves them very much but has remarried
also and they don't know his wife well yet.
Thanks for the help.
Gail
Dear Gail:
It sounds to me like these two young girls, for some reason, have
developed and unrealistic and probably unhealthy dependency upon their
mother. If, as you say, their father is a great guy, it is odd that they
miss their mother so much when they are away from her for weekends.
Something is not quite right here and I have no idea what it is, of course.
In any event, it sounds like your daugther has it right - having you hand
off the girls to their dad before you leave. This would be "normal" given
that mom is gone too and this simply normalizes things. Of course, you are
a grandparent and a volunteer babysitter. Therefore, you have the right to
do what you feel comfortable with. While I see nothing inherantly wrong
with what your daughter plans, if you are uncomfortable, say so!
I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon :
I have a son who is 2 years old. His father and I divorced shortly
after he turned a year old. We have put our problems aside and focus on our
son. We will have times where I will call my ex-husband and see if he wants
to meet us at the park for lunch and playtime. He will call me and see if
we want to meet for breakfast. The trouble is I am worried that I am
sending the wrong signal to my son, even though he is only 2. His dad lives
with his girlfriend and there is no possible way that we will be reconciling
the relationship. I don't want my son to be confused about the time that I
spend with his dad. My question is should I stop doing things that involve
the three of us to keep my son from being confused or do you think this is
good for him to see that we don't hate each other.
Thanks,
Debra
Dear Debra:
able to show their children that they can get along, be friendly, cordial
and mutually supportive. Although it is rare, I know families in which the
divorced parents and the children even vacation together! Remember,
behaving the way you are behaving is quite different than divorced parents
who show romantic love between themselves in front of their children, who
spend the night in each other's homes (beds) and who behave like a couple
rather than what you are doing which is behaving like two parents with
separate lives who live your child and who can share time together with him.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
his daughter who will be turning 5 this June, every weekend. I spend alot
of time with her, just about every weekend. My boyfriend and I are moving in
together in 3 weeks. They thing is, his daughter does not know that I am his
girlfriend. She has never asked and we have never told. This last weekend
she heard her dad refer to his girlfriend and she had a fit, demanding to
know who his girlfriend was. My boyfriend just let it blow over. When do you
believe is the right time to tell her?? Also my second question is, she
sleeps in her moms bed everynight.. This is strange to me. She is almost 5
and will be starting kindergarden. Is this harmful to her mental well
being?? I find it odd. Not to mention it will make things difficult when she
stays at our new house, as I will not let her sleep in the bed with us. She
wants to sleep on the bedroom floor like she does now at her dads. I find
this to be weird. Please let me know.
Thanks, Stacy
Dear Stacy:
You question the actions of the child's mother while you and your boyfriend
are preparing to introduce a major change into her life without giving her
the basic information about what the change really is! Let me be more
direct: It is wrong for you and the child's father to begin living together
when the child has no idea that the two of you are in a relationship. How
do you expect her to made a positive adjustment when she is essentially
being lied to? Do you think that this builds trust or causes a child to
feel more distant and fearful? Before you and your boyfriend go around
criticizing the child's mother for her child rearing practices, look
carefully at what you are doing first.
Robert A Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
run into a situation that troubles me deeply. I have attempted co-parenting
with my ex-wife for the last 3 years, and the situation continues to more
troubling with each passing month. During this 3 year period of time I have
had one co-parenting class/session, and involved a licensed psychologist to
assist us with communicating issues regarding the children. Nevertheless my
ex-wife refuses to communicate on any issues regarding the children unless
it is her way only. Now my ex-wife refuses to communicate on any issue or
attend any further meetings with the family therapist, basically if I have
an issue I have to take it into court at her request.
court, which the psychologist strongly discouraged at our first meeting over
a year ago. My problem is the fact the mother has the children every other
week, and the oldest child is age 9 is having great difficulty focusing at
school for a number of reasons; their mother lives in a camper at a KOA, the
children have to get up at 5 am to go to the daycare center (and then become
lost in concentration in the afternoon), she punishes the children in a
matter that both the psychologist and the co-parenting counselors deemed
greatly inappropriate, basically you get the gist of things. The children
just want to spend time with each of the parents, and by taking this back
into court will just further emotionally upset their well being.
to decide which parent to be the primary custodian since co-parenting does
not work. Not matter what the decision results in I will accept, do you
feel that I am going in the right direction???
Best Regards,
Steven
Dear Steven:
great when the parents can communicate with one another reasonably well.
When they cannot, it is as if the children live in two separate and
disparate worlds. When children are young, this is very difficult for them
and therefore harmful for them. The research and my clinical experience
shows that this kind of shared parenting plan is not best for kids and in
such a situation, a parenting plan where the children spend the majority of
their time in one home tends to work better for the children. This is
because shared custody requries parental communicating, collarboration and
cooperative decision making, expecially when the children are young. From
what you say, this is not going on.
discouraged. However, there are times and circumstances when going to court
is the only alternative - when other options have been exhausted. It sounds
like you feel that you are at that point in your struggles with your
children's mother. I would strongly suggest that you make a final effort to
bring your children's mother "to the table" by letting her know that you are
frustrated, that the kids are struggling and that you will, if need be, take
legal action to promote their best interets although you would rather avoid
doing so. Assuming that you then have to press ahead with legal action, at
least you will have more of a clear conscience about what you are doing.
you the best.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have become more conscious about nudity issues, and try to encourage
privacy. This last weekend, she asked me if we could have a "together
bath". I thought about it for a while and finally decided there was nothing
wrong with that. I figured if she was curious about male anatomy, she is
better off learning in a non- threatening non-sexual way. Now, she has told
her mother about this and her mother has asked me to stop. Personally, I
would prefer not to bathe with her. On the other hand, I don't see my
daughter very much, and if this is a way of her feeling closer to me, I'm
not sure there's a good reason to deny her. As she grows older, I would
think/hope she would become less interested in "together baths" and prefer
to bathe privately. Any advice?
Thanks,
A Dad
Dear Dad:
experts. One's view on the subject is so easily influenced by many factors,
not the least of which are religion and culture. My counsel to you, the
father of a four year old child, is to follow your own sense of comfort.
There is no reason that you, a parent, should do something that makes you
uncomfortable, particularly when doing so is optional. There certainly are
many easy ways to tell your child that you won't be bathing with her that
will not give her the message that you do not wish to be close to her.
Follow your instincts - that is almost always the best parenting guide you
can have.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hello Dr. Simon:
have been married for 2 years, and are trying to have our "own" children. We
both are college educated and make a decent living, however where we live
the cost of living is extraordinary. We would like to move about 500 miles
away, to a much slower pace of life, and where we could afford to live and
have a better life. The natural father is in the picture and does have
visitation every other weekend. However does lag in the finance department.
I am just wondering your thoughts on the matter, and what possible effects
it could have on my stepdaughter? Thank you in advance for your time.
Jason
Dear Jason:
sense that a former spouse "lags in the finance department", I have to
wonder if the motive for moving away is really so pure. Moving a child 500
miles from one of their parents is a major step, particularly at such an
early age. The research so clearly shows that children do best when they
have regular frequent contact with each parent. While "moveaways" are
sometimes inevitable and can't be helped, whenever there is an option or the
moveaway is at all optinal, I counsel against it, especially when the child
is so very young.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr.
Doctor Simon:
My boyfriend and I have been separated for two years and we have a
four year old little boy. My problem is that he just got married and will
not allow me to meet his wife. She is left alone with my son and I am not
comforable with this. Do I have any rights at all to meet this woman, I am
the custodial parent and am at a loss, my son says he does not like this
woman and sometimes doesn't want to leave me to go to his father's. Please
help I need to know my rights.
Thanks,
Single mom 25
Dear Single Mom:
The question you ask is best directed to an attorney, not a
psychologist. As a psychologist, however, I find your ex-boyfriend's
behavior deplorable. When it comes to children and co-parenting, putting
the children's needs first is always crucial. For him to refuse to allow
you to meet his new wife, a woman who now cares for this young child, would
understandably make you anxious angry. Clearly, this is not at all good for
the child. Whether you have a right to meet her or not is not for me, a
psychologist to say. But his refusal, from my vantage point, is
inappropriate and upsetting.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have never told her about her real father. i have been married to another
man since she was 4 months old, so she thinks the man i am married to is
your real dad. I have kept in touch with her real dad through the years but
now he would like to met her and get to know her . How do I explain the
situation to her and make it so she does not hold anyone at fault for not
telling her this before now? Can you please help?
A confused mom
Dear Confused Mom:
sure of how your daughter will react. No doubt there'll be mixed emotions
and it would not surprise me if anger was in the mix. It may not be
realistic that she won't blame one/all of you at the outset or, perhaps, for
a period of time. If you all believe that she has right to know the truth
and you feel that this is the time to tell her the truth, your job is to do
so in as loving and supportive a way as you can, being prepared for a
variety of reactions. Understand, too, that you need to give her time to
process her feelings and that her feelings will evolve with time. Whatever
she feels, be patient, listen to her carefully, don't judge and don't try
and change them. Let her know that however she feels is understood and
accepted. That is always the first step to emotional healing and
acceptance.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
A recent argument with my husband has prompted me to write. He is divorced and has an eight year old son that we see once a week and every other weekend. I have known my step-son since he was three. I am very involved with my step-son's schoolwork and help maintain his classroom website. I was asked by his teacher if I wanted to volunteer to do the website after inquiring if they would have a website this year. My husband, when we are arguing, says that I am trying to compete with his ex-wife. I have never been in this situation before and I am just trying to do what I think is right. I make sure he does his homework, etc. I generally sign the homework folder and things like that. I don't do it out of competition, but just because it needs to get done. I guess my question is this: How much involvement is appropriate? My husband, when not angry, feels it is fine that I am doing all these things and doesn't have a problem with it. I just feel like I am getting mixed messages from my husband, and when he accuses me of competing, I feel like he is on the ex's side and not mine. My husband also told me that he does not want to talk about his ex-wife. I just don't feel that is healthy. She does a lot of things that we disagree with and I can't even vent to him about it. I feel like I should be able to talk to him about it. HELP!!!!
~Kay
Dear Kay: There really is no rule of thumb about how much involvement on the part of a step-parent is appropriate. This is a matter that has to be sorted out in each individual blended family. As I am sure you are learning, these are highly complex issues because they involve relationships that are not voluntary - relationships between step-parents and step-children and relationships between former spouses. It sounds to me like your husband isnt' comfortable with your level of involvement so I suggest that you clarify this with him and proceed according to that. It does worry me that he seems so concerned with the reactions of his former wife since this may speak to some remaining attachment between the two of them that needs to be resolved/worked out. You and your husband have to have a clear and unemotional conversation in which you clarify and agree to your role and level of involvement - after all since these are his children, it is really up to him to take the lead in these decisions. Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My 14yr. old son received a cell phone from his father & stepmother for his birthday a couple months ago. His father insisted that he have it by his side so that he could answer any time he called him even when he is at home, doing homework, etc.. My son got lax after a month or so and his dad started making him feel guilty by telling him they were starting to think they shouldn't of got it for him, as a result he started carrying the phone around in his pocket while in the house. Within 2 days the phone accidentally got washed and his father and step mom are expecting me to replace the phone to the tune of $200.00. I am being told that I am not a good role model to my son for not accepting the responsibility for ruining the phone. I am concerned about doing the right thing but do not feel as though this is my sole responsibility or if at all. If the phone is paid for by me I asked them to provide insurance so this won't be a problem in the future (they refuse). What's your opinion on the appropriate solution as far as role modeling & taking responsibility? I appreciate your input.
Marsha
Dear Marsha: The first thing I have to wonder about is what a 14 year old truly needs a cell phone for in the first place! Ceratinly, using it as a leash on a child, such as you describe his father does, is a very poor use for a cell phone at any age. If you ask me, the person who is responsible for the cell phone is the child! Since the phone was given to him by his father, it makes sense that the father decide how the child should be made responsible for the phone, particularly since you and your child's father never discussed the issue to begin with. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about what yoru son's father is saying to you about your role modeling and so forth. You need to make these assessments for yourself and not concern yourself with whether your child's father agrees or disagrees. Best wishes and thanks for writng.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I married four years ago, he with two boys, and I
with two girls. The girls have lived with us the whole four years. The boys
have lived with us and their mother off and on. A couple of months ago the
boys called for us to pick them up. There mother was put in jail, and is
still there. The youngest and the two girls have not been so much trouble
about adjusting. The oldest boy has, and it really seems to be getting out
of hand. He takes it upon his self to go to his girlfriends house, talk all
hours of the nite, and smokes (hiding it) and is very mouthy. My husband
lets him get by with this and changes rules when it comes to him. But with
the others it's not that way. I just don't feel it's right that he gets his
way all the time and the others get punished for what they do wrong. I've
tried explaining to my husband that this is really bothering me and is
making me sick. Then to top this off because of the job my husband had to
take to make ends meet he will be gone for months at a time leaving me with
the children. I'm just scared that things are going to really get ugly and I
am trying very hard to be fair and at the same time be the strict mother
that I am. What can I do to make this family be the Brady Bunch Family?
Sincerely,
Loving Stepmom
Dear Stepmom: The Brady Bunch was a fictional TV show. Real families just don't work that way. You need to adjust your expectations. Still, I can understand your concern that the rules are different for one member of the family than for everyone else. At the same time, no two children have the same needs and therefore no two children can be parented the same way. Nevertheless, some limits needs to apply to everyone in the family, especially rules of respect. It worries me too that your husband will be away for several months. You probably don't have the respect and authority in the eyes of his older son to truly be viewed as an authority by him. If I were you, I'd do everything I could to try and find a way for your husband to not have to leave. If this isn't possible, you need to clearly and specifically discuss the rules/expectations/consequences/rewards for behavior so that while he is gone, you can do what needs to be done if this son's acting out is creating difficulty for everyone else. By the way, be sure that the proper legal documents are in place giving you this kind of authority in his absence. Living in and raising a blended family isn't easy. Problems such as you are describing are actually quite common. The two boys need time to adjust to the change in their life, to work through their feelings about their mother's absence and to settle in with the new family. I'd be far less concerned if your husband wasn't leaving town. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have been divorced for 12 years now, my ex-wife and I have a 13 year old girl together. My ex-wife has remarried and has 2 children from her current marriage. I on the other hand never remarried. My daughter calls her step father "dad" which I wrestled with at first and came to peace with after a long struggle. I can count on one hand the amount of times that my ex has offered to pick up or drop off my daughter for visitation over the past 12 years. Just recently my "ex" enrolled my daughter in a private high school without consulting me. She went to "open house" with her husband and I found out after the fact. She continually engages in such activity such as signing her up for baseball without notifying me. I have felt over the years that she does not consider me a "fit" dad, although she has no reason to feel so. I love my daughter and I am always there for her. My ex "calls all the shots" concerning my daughters welfare and life path. My daughter has a great relationship with her step-dad and step siblings as well as her mother. I have consistently told my ex that I need to be informed of all such major decisions concerning my daughter but they have fallen on deaf ears. We had a brutal divorce and I am wrought by the notion of going back to court to ask the judge to tell my ex-wife to stop isolating me. Please give me your opinion on how I should proceed.
Dear Dad: I can empathize with your frustration about the situation you find yourself in. Since you are considering going to court to ask the judge to order your child's mother to "stop isolating" you, here are some things to ask yourself. First, would the cost, both emotional and financial, be worth the outcome? If you prevail and the Judge issues orders requiring you to be kept informed (by the way, I imagine that such orders are already in place in some fashion), would your child's mother keep you informed and if so, would she include you in decisions? Second, do you fundamentally agree or disagree with the nature of the decisions that she makes? If you believe that your former wife makes essentially good decisions for your daughter, then you have the comfort of knowing this and you therefore know that your daugther is fundmentally being well provided for. While I understand that this is not idea and does not address the hurt and anger you feel about being isolated, it is some measure of comfort. Remember that when going to Family Court, you have to weigh the possible benefits against the inevitable conflict that gets stirred and the results of this conflict - its impact on your child. That is always the bottom line. Best wishes and thank you so much for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
This is a unique one for you. I'm dating this woman who has been
separated for 5 yrs, 2 children, 7yr old girl and an 9 yr old boy. Their
dad lives in another town not too far away, I guess he is quite good to them
too, now the problem is that he doesn't let his children know about his
girlfriend so they are oblivious to the fact that mom and dad are not an
item. He is looking out for their best interest in his own way, I personally
don't believe that this deceit is the best route to take.
I told her to hold off on introducing me to them for I believe that
this would disrupt their stable environment. I know that the truth is what
is they need, but like I told her the best interest of the children has got
to be 1st. Is timing key to the success of our relationship? What steps
can be taken to ensure the children will not be hurt any more than
necessary?
thanks JH
Dear JH: How many times does it have to be said that lying to children only teaches them deception and lying? Kids don't need to know all of the details of why their parents split up nor of the nature of conflict that may take place between the parents. However, children certainly need to be given information that they can use and it seems to me that this is information they can use. I think it is best that both parents agree to tell children that they have split up. However, when one parent simply refuses to do so and the other parent believes that the children should be told the truth of their situation, tough decisions may need to be made. Bottom line...deception teaches deception. Best wishes and thanks for your provocative and complex question.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My husband of 30 years of marriage, passed away suddenly from cancer 8 years ago. I remarried a man 5 years ago, and he was aware of the closeness of my grown son and daughter and their children. He has given me a "visitation schedule" from the start of our marriage. I can see my 2 granddaughters one-half day and one night, every other weekend. The girls are 13 and 9 years old. They miss their "Paw Paw" and I am the only Grandmother. They do not have any other Grandparent. The girls and I are very close, as I was with my own Grandmother. The problem is, the building control and resentment from my husband in my spending time (other than the scheduled every other weekend visitation) with these girls. If they are out of school for a day (holidays, etc.) he will get angry and resentful for my spending time with them, if only 3 hours. He resents my talking on the telephone with them. If they call me, he will make a face or an unkind remark. I must also tell you that the oldest Granddaughter has picked up on this; from unkind remarks and cold behavior, and has started having problems in school and her counselor in school has said that she is often is withdrawn and acts depressed. My daughter said that she cries at home, but will not tell her what is wrong. Sometimes, she has admitted that she misses her Grandma. Dr. Simon, I love my husband, but do not love his wanting to separate me and my Grandchildren. Or for that matter, keeping me on a "schedule of visitation". They live only 10 minutes away from us, and I am prevented from interacting with them. My children, Grandchildren and I are all hurting, and my husband is very distant, and will not compromise. He asked our Pastor how many years does this have to go on (my seeing my Grandchildren), for the rest of his life? That remark hurt me beyond measure. Please tell me what your advise is, and how I can avoid further pain to my Granddaughters.
Sincerely, Jan
Dear Jan: My advise is simple: if you allow your husband to control your interaction with your children and grandchildren, you are as much to blame for the problem as anyone else. You are an adult. Make choices and do what you feel is best. No one can tell you what to do or impose such a rediculous schedule on you. If you put up with this, shame on you!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over nine years and we have a 15 year-old daughter together. I have primary custody with my ex-husband having visitations every other weekend. Additionally, my ex-husband is going through his "third" divorce and has a child in this relationship. In the past three months, our daughter has been waiting to spend more time at home and be with her friends. She is active in sports and has a boyfriend as well. Her father expresses his hostility in front of her when she wants to participate in activities or doesn't want to go down to his house because she wants to be with her friends. Often times, she does not want to ask her dad about not coming down or switching a weekend because she knows he will get angry and she does not want to upset or disappoint him. I have tried talking to him about the fact that she is growing up and seems to want to be involved in all of her social events here in town. Her father lives 60 miles away from our home. However, he just becomes very hostile and feels that he is getting time taken away. How can we smooth this transition? Our daughter loves her father, but she is now beginning to spread her wings. I feel sometimes that I am just a taxi cab driver and don't see her often (even though she lives with me), but I remember how it was when I was that age as well. I would appreciate your response.
Thank you. Sandi
Dear Sandi: It sounds to me like your daugther is expressing feelings and desires that are common for teenagers who live in two households. It seems that her desire and her reasons are very normal and quite typical actually, particularly given that her father lives an hour away. Here's the kicker: If your daughter is now spreading her wings and if she can now make more of her own decisions and have input into more and more aspects of her life, she implicitly takes on the responsibility for expressing her choices and her reasons. Sure, it is no fun if doing so makes her father angry at her but this is a part of the package. In other words, it now becomes her responsibility to ask her dad about not coming down or switching weekends, not yours. I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have a situation with my ex and am looking for an unbiased opinion on it. I moved out with our kids(Ages 3&5) about six months ago. The divorce has been final for about four months. He has recently started dating someone that he has been friends with for about two years. He had her spend the night while the kids were there and I was furious. He fails to see any wrong doing. He thinks because they already knew each other and the kids knew her that it is ok. I think it is a different ballpark going from friends to dating. I asked him to wait six months to be sure they are serious but he thinks I am being unreasonable. He is willing to have her sleep on the couch for three months and then from there she will sleep in bed with him. I still feel uneasy about that scenario, do I have any right to feel that way? This is not a jealousy issue and he knows that. He feels that I am overprotective. My motherly instincts tell me that this is not right. Is this situation ok for the kids or can it be harmful?
nicolette
Dear Nicolette: You have the right to feel however it is that you feel. However, just because you feel something doesn't mean that your feelings will or should impact someone elses behavior. It has been my experience that the greatest potential harm to children after divorce is escalating conflict between parents. While you may not feel it is correct or proper for your children's father to be dating or sleeping with a woman who used to be his friend while the children are present, the key thing here is how he handles this relationship, not its presence per se. For example, it would worry me a lot more for a parent to have different partners in and out of the bedroom while the children are present. I support your letting your children's father know your feelings so long as you do this in a civil and productive manner. What you are certainly learning is that there are things you cannot influence or impact that take place in your ex's home and you have no choice but to accept this. Of course, he has to accept your independent decision making too. The sooner you can come to terms with this, the better off you'll be. I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Simon:
I am a 24 year old father of a 3 year old daughter. My child's mother
is now married with another child. My problem is that my child's mother is
letting my child think that her husband is her dad. When I said something
about it and started telling my child the truth her mother started saying,
"you're going to confuse her!" So I said "No, I'm going to teach her the
truth, you have already confused her." At first my child thought that her
mother's husband was her father now she is letting my child think she has
two fathers and is not making any effort in assisting me with teaching our
child the truth. I am trying to be in my child's life and a part of my
child's life, but she is not allowing our child a fair chance to know and
understand who her father is (me). This whole situation has made me very
frustrated.
Thanks.
Dear Dad: I'm with you! Your daugther has one mother and one father and it is in her best interests to know who is who. While she may now have a stepfather that she loves and respects, you are the father and she has a right to know this. I agree that the one who is confusing your daughter is her mother, not you. Your challenge is to find ways to reinforce with your daughter who you are without bad-mouthing her mother or her stepfather. Not an easy task but one that is now yours to do.
Thanks for writing. Best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I just found your site and am hoping that you will be able to help be with my problem. I am currently in the last throwes of a divorce. My soon-2-be ex-wife and I have 2 girls, ages 2 and 5, I have taken a new job approximatley 150 miles away from our current home. I am desperately worried about losing connections with my daughters. I will be able to see them every two weeks and and alternating holidays, plus liberal times in the summer. So far my ex and I have had no real problems with visitation. But it seems that she has zeroed in om my guilt at not being nearer the girls and when she wished to get to me she says that the girls really miss me. How and what do I do.
Thank you.
Dear Dad: If you feel guilty, don't blame your wife. The guilt is YOUR feeling, not hers. She can't make you feel it - if it isn't there, she can't create it inside of you. Having said that, I have no doubt that your daughters miss you and that you miss them. The fact that you are now living 150 miles apart from them and that they miss you is to be expected and this speaks to the quality of the attachment you have with them. Take heart in this. All kinds of things happen in life that result in changes in families. I'm sure that you had very good reasons for taking the new job and no doubt you considered the positive and negatives of this as they impact your daughters. And remember, if for some reason this turns out to be a bad choice, you can always find a new job and move back to the community in which your girls live.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon, I am a 43-year-old divorced mom of 3 girls. I have been divorced 19 months. The oldest 2 are in college with an 11-year-old at home (12 at the end of January). I am feeling so sad and angry with myself right now I don't know what to do and am hoping that you can help. To help with my finances, I decided to rent out my daughters room over the garage since she will not be using it this year. I rented it out to a 27-year-old man, nice hard-working guy. Last night after my daughter went to bed we were drinking...one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed together (bad choice), where in which my daughter walked in on us, with this very disappointed look on her face and stated "I thought I could trust you!" I feel terrible, disappointed in myself, sad that I did that to my daughter, and confused because I don't know what to say or how to mend the situation. I am hoping that you can help me in some direction.
MaryKay
Dear MaryKay: Uh oh! This is not a good situation since it sounds like you have compromised yourself with your daugther and your roomate. I'll tell you what I think. First, I think you need to look at whether you have a drinking problem. I have a hunch that alcohol may be a problem for you. It may also be necessary, at this point, for you to have the roomate move out. With regard to your daughter, do not lie to her or attempt to make her like what she doesn't like. Admit you made a mistake, let her know that you understand her anger/disappointment and be open to her about this. Give her time to work through her feelings. Mending the situation is best thought of as a process versus an event. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: A friend of mine is getting divorced and they have a three year old daughter. The mother is 21 and the father is 23. The father wants to do two weeks on and two weeks off. The mother and I feel that is too long of a separation from either parent. Since the little girl was born, the mother has not worked and always been with her daughter. What is the best scenario for this child?
Kristen
Dear Kristen: Two weeks away from either parent is far too long a period of time for a child this age. When I devise parenting plans for children this young, I try and build in more frequent contact with each parent but typically think of having a "home base" for the child. As the child grows older, a more 50/50 parenting plan tends to make sense. Not until the child is much older, probably an adolescent, does it make sense for a child to spend two weeks on and two weeks off with each parent in my view. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: What is the best way for me to tell my five year old daughter that she probably won’t ever see her father again? She asks about him at least once a week. He has made no effort to contact us for 6 months. I keep in contact with his parents who live many states away and found out that his new wife has recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia (though I don’t know what type) and he suffers from depression and anxiety. It was also 6 months ago that he was hospitalized for another suicide attempt (I know it’s at least the third maybe more). I’m happy we haven’t heard from him as I don’t feel his situation is anywhere close to stable enough for me to allow him anywhere near our daughter. In our great state he has zero rights as far as visitation goes. I have told her that I know her father loves her, but that I haven’t heard from him in a long time and that I think he might be sick. The only times my fiancée and I discuss the situation is when she is not in the house because I don’t want our negative feelings about him to effect her self-esteem. I went through a similar situation that my daughter is now facing and though I know a lot of what to avoid, I also don’t know what to say.
Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent: I would counsel you against telling your five-year-old that she probably won't see her father again. Forever is an impossible period of time in the mind of a five-year-old. Also, situations such as this really do have amazing ways of changing and I would be surprised if her father doesn't surface at some point in the future. Instead, I would counsel you to empathize with your daugther missing her father and with whatever her feelings are about his not being an active part of her life. Tell her that you really don't know what is going to happen in the future - after all this is the actual truth! Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: After 8+ years, my ex-wife is now (within the last two months) following the divorce decree to the letter. My daughter (11 almost 12) and I were accustomed to seeing each other weekly and every other weekend. Now, after multiple attempts to see my daughter, it looks like it will be every other weekend, various holidays and a couple of weeks during summer break. My ex-wife is also invoking an 8pm (per the decree) Friday pickup, whereas before, I picked her up following school. This, in my opinion, is unacceptable. My daughter raises questions to me regarding our visitation schedule, how much discussion should I have with her? Her mother accuses me of putting her in the middle. My ex-wife's only response to our daughter is that it is between the two us and she will not discuss the matter further. I, on the other hand, have tried to answer her questions and reassure her that things will work out. I do not think that telling her of the changes is putting her in the middle. I also do not wish to discourage her from discussing what is on her mind with me. I have made numerous attempts to encourage mediation, or spark some sort of further discussion regarding visitation, unfortunately, to no avail. Regretfully, I am almost resolved to the fact that I must file for legal custody modification. I am frustrated and seek your advice on what is in my daughter's best interest and resolving this conflict.
Thank you in advance,
Ronald
Dear Ronald: Your letter raises several issues. If your daughter is asking questions about why things have changed, I think it is a good idea to answer her questions factually to the best of your ability. This means answering her with an absence of your "opinion" about the matter and with an absence of information about how you feel about her mother. If you don't know why things have changed, then telling her that seems quite reasonable. Whatever the provisions of your custody agreements are, if you and your former wife have been observing a particular child-sharing plan for a period of 8+ years, it would seem that your former wife would have to demonstrate a change of circumstnace that would support her changing the child-sharing plan. While I cannot speak to what is in the best interests of your child since I do know have the objective facts of your situation (for example, your former wife may have very good reasons for imposing this change), it is my experience that courts tend to favor the status quo. Assuming there has been no true change in circumstance and assuming that your daughter is upset by and negatively impacted by the change in the child-sharing schedule, seeking the assistance of the Court may be your only recourse at this time. Thank you for writing and best wishes to all.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I have a question that I haven't been able to find any advice about. My new husband's ex-wife comes from an extremely wealthy family, but because it was locked up in a trust, my husband left the marriage with nothing at all (not even retirement!). He has 4 kids, with shared custody. How do we deal with their being given everything they could possibly want at their mom's house, while we can only get them what we can afford. They are still young and keep asking why they can't have this or that. We are terrified that they will not want to visit us as often, or will think less of us, because we don't have a pool, etc. Help?
thanks
michelle
Dear Michelle: Thanks for writing with a really great question. I can understand your being terrified that they won't want to visit with you, particularly since you feel it would be over issues you have no control over. I think you may not be giving these kids enough credit for knowing that feeling loved, wanted and treasured means more than anything else. Sure, we all want nice things and we all want a comfortable life. However, it is my experience that children attach to people who love and respect them, not to people who buy them things. When it comes to answering their questions, just be factual and straightforward. Tell them that their mother has financial resources that you do not have and that they are fortunate to be able to have certain things/opportunities because of her good fortune. Tell them that there are always people more and less fortunate than they are. Do not try and compete with their mother and do not speak of her financial abilities in any negative ways. Instead, be supportive. This will "disempower" the issue and help you and these children to focus on your relationships and not on "things." Thanks for writing. My best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon: I am in the process of divorce. It is proving to be a very challenging process. I would describe my divorce as a High-Conflict divorce. We have two children, a 5 year-old boy and a 23 month-old boy. They are both wonderful and amazing children. My question is relating to communiction techniques with their father. He is a very controller personality and there has been a history of domestic abuse by to to him over the 7 years we have been married. We have recently had our visitation schedule modified so that there are no instances when we will come into contact with each other. However, one of our children has ongoing medication and doctor appointments. I tried to institute a daily journal for each child. I wrote the times medications were given, foods eaten, activities, and general daily issues in the journal for each child. I also indicated the infromation from recent doctor's visits. Their father has refused to use them. He continues to make all efforts to communicate impossible. Do you have any suggestions. I was thikning that there might be a website that has a service for parents to use to write a daily journal online so that everyone could access it if needed. The need to communicate information is critical for the children's sake. I believe their father is using this as another opportunity to control what remains.
I appreciate the help.
Dear Mom: Communication is something that takes effort from each parent. In my many years of practice, I have yet to discover a way of forcing a parent to communicate who chooses not to do so. If your children's father chooses not to communicate with you about the children, this does not mean that you stop providing him with information for certainly giving him information is what is best for your children. When it comes to communication, be realistic about what kind of information is truly necessary to communicate. Certainly, medical issues, doctors appoiintments, medicaitons and so forth are quite important. However, is it absolutely necessary to communicate things such as "general daily issues and activities"? Sure, this would be nice but is it necessary? Getting a reluctant parent to cooperate can be facilitated by reducing what you are requesting to those items that are truly necessary. If you believe that his refusal to communicate is causing risk to your children psychologically or medically, you have the option of going back to court to place limits on his time with the children so that his failing to communicate does not unduly jeopardize their well being. While this, in and of itself, only adds to conflict, this may be your only option if the children's father will not give you important information. __ Thanks for writing and my best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon, My husband and I are currently divorcing over his affair. Right as I was learning of the affair I became pregnant with our second child. I am due in four weeks. We did have a good marriage (or so I thought) prior to the affair with "normal" family ti