Parenting Questions and Answers 8

Daughter Doesn't Want To Be With Me
Single Mom Wants To Move From CA to NY
Should I Give Up?
Infants & 50/50 Parenting Time
2 Year Old / Custody
Father Moving Out Of State
Vindictive Ex
Teenagers Tired of Going to Dad's
My Step Children
New Boyfriend & Son
Worried For My Daughter
Being Badmouthed
Definition of Date
14 Year Old Doesn't Want to Visit
Mother Trying to Alienate Child
Parenting Question
Living Away From Child
Father Not In Picture -What To Tell Daughter
3-Year Old Won't Stay With Father
Confused About Step-Dad
Please Help
Both In Military
Supportive Fiancée
Parenting Plan
50-50 Split
North Carolina Dilemma
When to Introduce Girlfriend to Kids
Fearful of Daughter's Boyfriend
5 Year-Old Having Hard Time With Divorce
Step-daughter Hates Me
Daughter Refusing Visitation
Questions about "Real Dad"
New Living Arrangements
Teenage Visitation
Frustrated Mom
How to Answer My Little Boy
Angry Daughter
Question
Moving Out of State
My Grandson

3½ Year Old Stepson
Confused
Five Year Old Refusing to Visit Uninvolved Father
Daughter Lying About Mom's Boyfriend
PAS
3 Year Old
Father Not Involved
My Dilemma
I Want Daughter's Father To See The Light
The Word "Daddy"
My Ex Boyfriend Spanks My Kids
Custody Arrangement
Confusing Visitation
Talking About Sleeping Arrangements
Reintroduction of Parent
Stepparent, Visitation & Moving
Daughter Will Not Accept Boyfriend
"Tickling"
Supporting My Wife as Stepfather
Talking About Her "Real" Dad
Every Weekend Visitation
Sleep Over
16 Year Old Son
Please Help
When Do I Tell My Son He's Adopted?
What If One of Us Moves?
Question on First Child
Custody
Sex and 4 Year Old
Abusive Mother
Father Moving Out of State
Is It A Problem?
How To Tell My Son
Effect of Dating?
Need Help With 8 Yr. Old Girl
Wife Not Liking My Daughter
Stand-offish With Step-Dad
5 Year Old Doesn't Want to Visit Dad
How to answer my little boy
Father lets 4 yr. old play video games
Girl is standoffish

My daughter is four years old, I had her at the very young age of 17. Her father and I stayed in a very unhealthy abusive relationship for about 2 years after her birth. We have been separated now for over two years, I have full custody and her father has visitation rights he sees her Tuesday and Thursday evenings after school for about 4 hours and every other weekend. This arrangement has worked out well for us until just recently. Her father and his family are still very bitter towards me and I feel as though they may be expressing those feeling to my child. In addition her fathers house is a very unstable living environment for my child but ideal In her eyes. She has no discipline, no bed time, she is able to use unacceptable language and pretty much have her way any time she would like. In response to that she has become very distant from me, not ever wanting to come home from their house, screaming for hours after they drop her off telling me she doesn't like me. Even after she calms down out of no where she will cry for them. I have been trying to deal with this the best way I know how but it is getting worse now. Please help, I love my daughter more than anything in the world and it makes me very sad to feel she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Obviously, I can't really tell you what is going on here and why your daughter is acting the way that she is. Certainly, based upon my experience her behavior is not typical and is a sign of distress. The reasons for the distress are what is important right now. I can imagine that you are concerned that your daughter is now caught up in the dynamic of abuse and is acting out her father's negativity towards you. While that is quite possible, there are many other things that could be going on as well. So, the first step is to have your daughter assessed by a truly qualified child psychologist who is experienced with divorce, abuse and with child custody dispute. Let tha that person assess your child then take it from there.

My husband and I have custody of his 3 1/2 year old son. We have had him since he was 11 months old. He calls me mommy and his mother mommy Meliny (Meliny being her name.) She gets him 2 weekends a month, and Theron throws a tantrum every time it is her weekend, he kicks and screams and trys to run away. We try to get him used to the idea about going but he keeps saying he doesn't like her and she is not his mommy, that I am his mommy. Meliny knows that Theron does not like her, and she knows that we try to help her with the visits, but it is just getting worse. Please help us. We look forward to your return reply.

This young child is at an age where going between homes can become more difficult for a period of time. This has to do with normal developmental phases and issues. Of course, any particular sitauation can involve other factors as well. It is important that this child come to know who his mother is and I truly encourage you to make sure he knows that you are NOT his mother but are, instead, his stepmother who loves him very much. Make sure he knows and that you support him knowing that he has only one mother and that it is OK for him to love each of you. Assuming that there is nothing untoward taking place in his mother's house and that his fear is not founded in reality, do continue to encourage him to spend time with his mother and trust that he will work through this rough patch. Supporting his relationship in this way is the most supportive and loving thing you can do right now.

My child is 16 months old, and his father has just recently become more involved in his life. We live about 4 hours apart so visitation isn't any easy target at this point. His dad contacted me today asking was it okay for him to take Landon with him for a couple of days. I really want him to be able to have one on one time w/ our son, but on that same token he is so young and not familiar with his dad. I'm confused on what may be in the best interest of our son? Please give me your input!

I'd be relucant to allow any 16 month old to spend extended periods of time with adults that he/she didn't know well and that there wasn't a good attachment to. This means parents, grandparents, sitters and so forth. I think it is great that your child's father wants to be involved with him and I would encourage you to allow as much contact as is possible. However, it may be best to wait for a while before you send the child out of the country with an adult with whom he is not bonded and familiar. Thanks for writing.

I came across your website in search for some advice on relocating with my child. I am a single parent who now resides in California with my 9 year old son. I have been thinking about and would like to move to New York this summer. I would be making the move with my best girlfriend who has no children, just a dog. I am moving because I feel that it is time for a change in my life and that I will most likely find a better job in New York. I have struggled from paycheck to paycheck for the better part of 7 years since my husband and I split. I feel that this change would do me and out situation good. My dilema is the affect that this will have on my child. He has no relationship with his father, we do not even know where he is right now. My family resides in CA and he has a good relationship with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins whom he sees probably 2-3 times a month. Is it fair for me to move him away from all this? I feel that he would see my family quite a few times a year by flying back and forth but not as often as he does now. Can you offer me any advice? My parents are quite upset with me and tell me I am being selfish so now my mind that was made up is very confused!

People rarely find that their lives change substantially when they do a "geographic", meaning a move that is intended to give them a "fresh start". Before you make such a move, I would suggest that you carefully and deliberately look at your decision, what is realistic about the change that might come with the move and whether or not you would not be moving to a new location and having the same problems. Most of the time, the problems we face in life reside within us, not outside of us. And please be very clear...your son's relationship with the extended family will change with a move like this. Yes, people can travel but the distance and the effort/cost of travel results in very real changes in the nature of relationships. Please know that I am not telling you what you should or should not do. Instead, I'm advising you to be very realistic and pragmatic about things rather than being dreamy and idealistic.

My boyfriend and I have been almost four years. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. I love this man and my son very much. We have had problems since the beginning of our relationship. We are now at a point of separation. He believes that we do not have a foundation and have different view points of disciplining out son. He says that a counselor will just tell us that I have done my best to make the relationship work but I am doing what would make me happy. Bryan was in the military and was brought up with really strict parents. His dad and mom split up due to the Dad being too strict/mean to her children. In our relationship his way of disciplining has become a problem . I am trying to get him /us to seek counseling. Do you think that I should just give up? My mom and him do not get along. Bryan says that he can't stand her and well she doesn't really like the way he treats our son.

No one can tell you when it is time for you to "give up"...only you know when you feel that you've passed the point of no return. I certainly think it makes lots of sense to seek couples therapy and believe that it is a fool's game to predict what a counselor will tell you. (By the way, truly competent marriage counselors don't tell clients when they should or should not separate. Instead, they help clients reach their own conclusions and decisions.) It may help to know that differences with regard to how to discipline children are one of the most common sources of conflict between parents so you are no exception here. Do remember that even if you do choose to separate that each of you will remain the parent of your son and that you will have to deal with one another as the child's other parent. Therefore, you will still have to deal with differences in parenting style and discipline.

I always worry when an in-law and a member of a couple don't get along...this tells me that the in-law may be overinvolved and sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. The discipline of your son is up to you and the father. Your mother's job is to love the child and be available to help and give suggestions when asked.

My five year old daughter does not want to visit her father. It doesn't happen every time that she is scheduled to visit, just occasionally. He has not always been an active part in her life. In fact, he has never kept a steady stream of contact with her. He thinks that I am a liar and never once have I ever lied to him. When I do need to contact him regarding our daughter, he won't take my calls or return the phone message. I don't feel that I should make my daughter visit him if she doesn't want to. I think that forced visitation with a parent who is really not so much of a parent is cruel. I think that there is something going on in his home that she is not telling me. I know that he drinks heavily. I have always given him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't do it in front of our child. My daughter now has come forward and told me that he drinks wine and beer when she is there. How do I or do you suggest that I question her about this activity. In my opinion, it would be better for my daughter if he just didn't visit at all.

Yesterday, he came to pick her up after she left him 2 phone messages saying that she didn't want to go. When she doesn't want to go, I tell her that she doesn't have to and that she should call him and tell him herself. Please help me try to resolve this issue.

Thanks for writing. There are many reasons that children are reluctant to visit non-custodial parents and the reasons that any one child may wish not to visit are normally multiple and complex. Like you, I'm worried if your child's father is consuming excessive alcohol in her presence. This creates a potential compromise in your child's safety in addition to being poor role modeling. However, questioning your child about this is probably a bad idea and I would suggest you avoid it. Not only are her reports likely to be unreliable, the fact that you are questioning her in this fashion will probably add to any feelings of anxiety or uneasiness that she has. Instead, just listen to what she says when she comes home and put together information this way.

It does concern me that you would choose to ask her father to relinquish his parental rights. Your wish to remove him totally from the life of your child must, in some manner, be communicated to her and may be part of the reason she is reluctant to see him. Asking her to call him to tell him that she doens't want to go isn't something I'd recommend because she is too young to do this and this gives her a sense of having a choice in the matter which, at her young age, she does not. Telling her that she does not have to go when there are Court orders in place that state that she does have to go is something I could encourage you not to do. Thus, it is my sense that your daughter's reluctance probably represents some combination of her own feelings if discomfort, reinforced by her awareness of your negative feelings about the father and your communicating to her inaccuracies such as not having to go.

Ultimately, if you are that concerned about your child's welafare while in the care of her father, might I suggest that you file a motion with the court to further curtail this time?

I am 34 with three children. A son (14), daughter (12) and another daughter (2). The older two are from my previous marriage and the youngest is from the man I am now with. We have been dating for almost 4.5 years, we broke up for a year and have recently got back together and been since the last 1.5 years. My 12 year daughter refuses to give him any chance at being a friend. When we split the first time, she had told her school counselor that he hit her and me and that she was afraid of him. He wasn’t even around and she finally told the truth when confronted by the FIA agency. Things were fine until just recently. He has been staying a lot with us and joining in on family things. One night we were all wrestling around and he put his hands on her neck and wrapped his feet around my sons waist, no one was hurt, she was fine until later when I told her it was time to go to bed. She refused and threw a little tantrum, he said go to bed or I’ll take my belt off…he has never hit any child of mine or even our daughter, or his other two from a previous. She was mad and told her big sister and together they called FIA and now we are going to meet with them. They said no worries because they talked to my son and my daughter and see that there is no problem to investigate further. My question is: I have tried to talk to her and see why she feels the way she does and at one point told him to not talk to her or anything and when he did avoid her, she was mad and said we neglected her. I do not know what to do. I know she is greatly influenced by my grandma and she hates my boyfriend. I want us all to be happy but it is so hard right now. Her father has a girlfriend and she likes her because she buys her gifts all the time and when she doesn’t my daughter then dislikes her and doesn’t want her around her father. Some say she is just spoiled and needs to see that my boyfriend isn’t going anywhere.

Sounds like your situation is filled with problems, fears and concerns. First, let me ask you if you think it is healthy to create a situation for your children in which you bring another adult into their lives and because of problems with that adult, you instruct him not to speak with one of the children? Does this not define hostility and dysfunction into the situation to begin with? And where does this man get off threatening to use a belt on your child? No adult should use a belt on a child, let alone the boyfriend of their mother. I think that your daughter's objection to having this man around probably has some basis in solid reasoning. Mom, put your kids first and your boyfriend and your relationship with him second. My experinece has taught me that children are very accepting of the boyfriends/girlfriends of their parents when the boy/girl friend is appropriate and brings "value" to their lives. I know that this isn't what you were hoping to hear but I hope you take these observations to heart. Thank you for writing.

I am the mother of a 7 week old baby. I became pregnant while dating last year. This followed 20 years of infertility with my ex-husband, and was a huge shock. The babies father and I went our separate ways after I refused to have an abortion. Three weeks before the baby was born, he re-entered the picture. Now he wants 50/50 parenting time. I am very concerned about the welfare of a newborn who is in a different home every week, but cannot find anything about it. Can you please offer some advice?

Most experts in this field, including myself, believe that very young children require a primary home. However, your child certainly has a right to get to know his/her father. Typically in situaitons like yours, father's are given very liberal periods of visitation with the infant (such as two hours per day each day) so that they can bond/attach but overnight visits with a child this young are typically not done - at least they are rarely ordered by the Court in my experience. I hope this helps you.

My children live with my ex husband and his new wife. He refuses to let me have study visitation with them. My children recently have said that they hate me and my family and do not want to see us ever again. I have battled in court since 1998. I have talked to CPS whom wont do anything about the mental abuse he is causing on the children and the courts aren't doing anything either. I have documents that express that the children are experiencing Parental Alienation Syndrome. Is their someone above the courts and CPS that I can get involved with the help of my children? What do you think about involving the news media if I cant get results anywhere else? Will the courts listen then?

Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather "trendy" these days. One of the things I've come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to "confirm" the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children's father. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you.

My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified, experienced family law specialist who has worked with issues of alienation before and that you also hire a family law forensic psychologist to consult with you and the attorney on the matter. My guess is that going to the media will not earn you the sympathy of the court and that it will also inflame your former husband and children further.

First of all thank you for taking time to read this. My wife and I are considering seperating. We have a 2 year old daughter, we would like to have joint custody until we make things official, if it goes there. We would like to split the custody throughout the week. I have her 3 days, she would have her for 4, or if work schedules change so would the time. We still get along very well and want the best for the child. I guess bottom the line, is this in the best interest for the child? Or would single custody to one and the other geting every other weekend? We just want to look out for the well being of our child.

I'm sorry to hear about the demise of your marriage. Divorce is hard for everyone, especially children. The most important thing is that you and the father are able to come to an agreed child-sharing plan that both of you believe in and support. That probably matters more than the specifics of the plan. While experts may debate the merits of a 50/50 parenting plan for a child this young, I am quite comfortable with it since you and the child's father want it to be this way and feel that it will work for the child and for each of you.

I have a 3 year old who was fully potty trained last August. Around March of this year she began having accidents with urine and her stools. I have spanked her, I have put her in time out and I have had lengthy conversations with her about big girls and how the don't do this.

Please don't spank your children for this or for any reason! Spanking teaches children fear and anger, and it teaches them that big people can use violence on little people. It models the physical acting out of anger. We teach our children not to hit yet it is OK for us to hit them? Please stop spanking, period.

And please don't use words that humiliate like "big girls don't do this." Talking with her "at length" won't help either since this is not something you can "reason" with a child about and because children of this young age don't use "reason" in the same way that we adults do. Be patient, go back to your training techniques. If it is an attention getter, ask yourself what is going on for the child that she may feel like she needs more attention?

My ex-husband and I divorced two years ago. We have two boys, who were 8 and 4 at the time of the separation and who are now 10 and 6. My ex and I tried to make the separation as smooth as possible for the kids and cooperated a lot. My ex moved into an apartment 5 minutes away from the house and established a visitation of two evenings a week and every other weekend. My older son had a terrible time with the divorce and grieved extensively. Now he is doing very well, as is his brother. Now my ex-husband says that he is moving out of state (1500 miles away), and wants to change visitation to twice a year (holidays and summer). I am afraid that my older son is going to be devastated at the loss of his dad. They are very close. I am also concerned about my 6 year old losing his father from his day to day life at such a young age. I would like to ask you what kind of psychological and emotional impact this kind of change would have on children.

First and foremost, allow me to congratulate you and your ex-husband on the amicable and child-focused way you have handled your divorce. Of everything you can do, that's the most important. As for your question, the ways in which children react to such situations depend on the nature of the current parent-child relationship, the reasons for the move and how much contact can be maintained. Modern technology actually makes keeping in good contact much easier. I've seen a number of families set up webcams in both homes so that the children and distant parent can communicate with real time voice and video every day or as often as they want. This definitely helps keep the feelings of closeness and connectedness alive. Nevertheless, if your sons and their father are close (which it sounds that they are), I think you can expect for them to experience an initial sense of loss and grief and perhaps even anger at their father for moving. How they adjust to and cope with this depends on how you and their father help them cope and support them as they undergo the change. I suggest that your son's father sit down with each of them, explain what he is planning to do and why he is planning to do it, ask them what they are thinking/feeling about it and what they believe will help them with the transition.

I am a single mother of a 2 month old son. His father left to live with his mother (two hours away) about two weeks before he was born because she told him it would be best for the baby if he went and lived with her and got his life straightened out (he was behind on bills). When he left, he promised that he would be there for the birth and stay involved. I called him on my way to the hospital and he said he wouldn't be able to visit until the next day. He didn't show up and made no effort to contact me to even see if his son had been born. I stayed there for 11 days to give him a chance to drive and meet his son, but every time I got a hold of him he said he would be too busy. Even when he had days off work. I have since moved to Florida (I was living in Virginia) to be near family and put in paperwork for child support.

He hasn't made any indication that he would ever like to see his son and I would like to know if I should just stop contacting him altogether? I've also asked if he would consider giving up parental rights because I think it would be damaging for him to make empty promises and have the right to pop in and out of my son's life as it suits him. Is this a good idea? I would never stop him from seeing his son, but I want to do what is best for my child. I feel bad taking something so precious away from him, but I have done everything I can to get him involved. He just doesn't realize what he is missing.

It is hard enough to raise children in an intact family. Doing so as a single parent is even more difficult as I'm sure you are coming to find out. It is wonderful and I compliment you on your wish to keep your son's father involved in his life. Please try and keep this desire alive and well even when it seems as if the father doesn't want to be involved since maintaining a more positive point of view will have far-reaching impact on your son in many ways.

Your son is only two months old and judging whether or not his father will ultimately want to play a role in the child's life is yet to be determined. Give this time and be patient...sometimes it takes a while for people to make choices. Therefore, whether or not you might want to seek termination of parental rights is something I wouldn't even think about just yet. (By the way, I tend to be against the termination of parental rights in all but the most extreme cases and I think that courts tend to be very reluctant to terminate parental rights.) As for whether you should stop contacting him altogether, let your conscience be your guide on this one. You don't want to cut off contact out of spite but then again, it's hard to put out all of that effort with nothing in return. I think that if you approach the issue with your focus on your son rather than on your own emotions, you'll make better and more empathic choices. Ultimately, do know that whether he is involved with your son is up to him and you cannot control this - it is totally up to him.

Thanks for writing, congratulations on becoming a parent and my best to you and your son.

I have met the most wonderful man and have been dating him for almost a year. He is going through a divorce and has a ten year old daughter. She is an awesome child and we got along great. She knew me first as a friend. And helped push me into asking her father out. She knew I liked him and he liked me, and was tired of us waiting to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She was happy when I finally asked him out and he said yes. We spent a lot of time together and were very affectionate as in hugs and curling up on the couch together. The daughter used to talk to me all the time about her mother. About how she thought her mother didn't like her or want her and how she wanted to live with her dad. She continuously asked if there was anything I could do to help make that happen. When I would leave she would tell me she wishes I wouldn't go. She would even invite me to spend the night at the house and tell her dad I was going to. Her mother knew I was around this child. My boyfriend's ex-wife has three sons from a previous relationship but my boyfriend raised them - he is the only father that they have ever known. However, I have never met the boys for fear of what the mother might do. We were afraid that she wouldn't allow him to see the boys any longer.

The boys started asking him about me as his daughter told them about me. He answered their questions freely. He felt he had nothing to hide from them. Well one day the boys decided to tell their mother that they wanted to meet me since I am a part of their fathers life. She went pretty much ballistic. She has pulled any and all time with the boys away from him. More than that, she has made his daughter hate him and now she hates me too. She tells her father that I am a slutty wh--- and that he selected me over her. She has made the child believe that he will also choose me over her (his daughter).

Should my boyfriend and I stop seeing each other due to the way the child now views me as an enemy of sorts? Or should we stick together and let her know this behavior is not good and that I hold no ill feelings towards her and that I am here for her also? At this time she is refusing to see her father. Thank you.

Thank you so much for writing. As you are learning, dating someone with children from a prior relationship can be challenging and complicated since his "ex" is also now a part of your life too much like his children are a part of your life. You take on the whole situation, not just parts of it. The situation you speak of is a sad one and one that must certainly be causing a good deal of emotional confusion for this young child. I can't tell you what you should do because these situations are always a lot more complicated than can be conveyed or responded to in writing. While I understand that you and your boyfriend want to stand tall and stand up for what you believe is right, my experience is that parents will usually, ultimately, end up doing what they feel salvages their relationship with a child and this seems quite understandable. No matter what, resist the temptation to "return fire" by drawing this young lady into your conflict with her mother by disparaging the mother or otherwise playing out your understandable anger through the child.

To make a long story short, my husband and I are divorcing after 13 years of marriage and yes, lots of marriage counseling. We have four children together and each have a seventeen year old from a prior relationship. We are trying to make the split easy for everyone. Here is my dilemma.....I will be relocating to another state with the children ages twelve, my twins are seven, and of course my seventeen year old.

My ten year old wants to stay with his father, he says he doesn't want to leave his school or his friends. I understand his need to stay, but his dad works out of town a lot, at least three times a week. This means he will be home alone a lot with his seventeen year old half brother. As much as leaving him will break my heart and I will miss him daily, my biggest concern is him being alone a lot. His half brother is a good kid, but works after school and has not always been the most responsible child. Is it wrong to make my son move, is it wrong to let him stay where he will not have either parent every day?

First and foremost, I want to compliment you and your husband on the way in which you apparently are going about your divorce and child custody decisions in a collaborative and cooperative manner. This, more than anything, supports the best interest and welfare of your children. If only more parents were able to demonstrate this kind of love and courage.

As for your specific question, it is a difficult one to be sure. Sounds like there are plusses and minuses both ways and I'm hard pressed to give you specific advice since I do not know you or your children. With that in mind, I would note that the safety of your 10 year old son is a very important consideration. Most 10 year olds are not mature enough to really spend large amounts of time on their own and in many localtiies (such as San Diego where I live), it is illegal to leave a 10 year old unsupervised. If you can sort out the legal and saftey issues to your satisfaction, do remember that you have the option of leaving the 10 year old in his father's care on a trial basis - that this need not be a permanent or unalterable decision.

Best wishes to each of you and once again, I'm very pleased to hear of the positive way that you and your husband are going about negotiating some very difficult issues.

I have 2 teenage daughters who's scheduled visitation with the father is every other weekend and every other Tuesday. We live in Indiana. Both of my girls have talked with me about not wanting to go to see their dad on weekends anymore. They no longer wish to spend the night with him. One of my daughters (16) is still on the edge about the decision, but her main holdup is that she is concerned about his other children. She is afraid that if they don't go, their dad will be mad and take it out on the other younger children. My other daughter (13) is just plain tired of it.

This past weekend, their father was mad at me and he took it out on them all weekend. He barely spoke to them, and belittled me all weekend as well. The girls are just tired of it. Neither of them wants to tell their father that they no longer want to visit, because of his temper.

I've tried talking to him, but to no avail. What is my best plan of action? Do I tell him, for them. Or should I go back to my lawyer and let the court handle it? My kids are, in my opinion, both mature enough to make this decision on their own. They are simply afraid. I have always told them that I will stand behind them no matter what, I just don't want to step in with the wrong foot and them be in trouble legally.

The question of when children are old enough to be in charge or at least partially in charge of the decisions about child-sharing is one that parents, attorneys, psychologist and judges talk about all the time. Some localities have what are known as "local rules" about this - and I do not know what those rules may be in your area.

I've always believed that one of the litmus tests with regard to this issue has to do with the children's willingness to be their own advocate in the matter. That is, if a child is not mature enough emotionally to let each parent know what he/she wants, it stands to reason that they may not be mature enough to really have an informed and well developed opinion on the matter. Therefore, it usually doesn't make sense for the other parent to do the communicating for the children nor does it make sense to hire attorneys and slog it out in court until the children are willing to speak out for themselves.

My daughter is a very bright high school freshman, whose dad refuses to take advantage of the 5 three-day weekend visits he's entitled to because "he can't afford the airfare." Never mind he makes 75K/year and we split our daughter's airfare for visitation. He may or may not allow her to visit spring break this year for the same reason. However, he is currently insisting that she spend 2 wks with him in early July.

However, she may need to go to summer school-all students who take both music and a language end up short one social studies course due to scheduling problems in our county. We warned him about this a year ago-and told him that we would seek alternatives. We had hoped that they would be re-working the scheduling and adding a 7th period next year. They won't be-so she's destined for summer school. We're still trying to figure out a solution-it may be possible for her to take an independent study course through Indiana University.

He told her this weekend he expects her to visit him in July, summer school or no summer school, music camp or no music camp. That's the other piece of the puzzle-if we get the independent study course arranged, she would like to attend a month session at one of the well-known music camps. Something that she should do, as preparation for conservatory training. Both her band director and her music teacher have urged her to consider going. She's quite good, and even made all-state band this year.

I'd prefer to avoid taking him to court-but he's unwilling to change his scheduled vacation to accommodate her needs. It seems to me that the needs of a teen are a bit different than a grade school kid (she was in 5th grade when we set up the current schedule).

I assume if I have to take him to court that I stand a good chance of winning. After all, if he doesn't take advantage of his visitation now (and hasn't since we split when she was 2.5 yrs old) and isn't willing to change so that she can take a history course that's required for high school graduation, or attend music camp, I doubt he's going to look like a model father to the court. --

It sounds like the only thing that will help your daughter's husband to see the light is a dose of reality. Sounds to me like you have a well-developed understanding of the situation. It's a shame if you have to take him to court but if this is what has to be done to provide advocacy for your child, so be it. Indeed, that would probably be part of the dose of reality that he may well need.

My husband obtained joint custody of his three children, ages 14,10 and 9, due to their mothers 5th DUI conviction. The children don't believe mom did anything wrong. Thyey think that the police were just out to get her. They have no respect for adult authority. The 14 yr. old is very angry, showing signs of depression. Thhe other children show lots of behavior problems. We believe that the children where told to treat dad and I horrible and act as bad as they could so we would not want them and they can come back and live with her when she gets out of jail.

How can I prevent them from falling into the patterns of children of an alcoholic? The signs are already showing. Do we go back to court to try and prove her an unstable mother?

Sounds like these children have really been through so much in their short lives. You say that you want to prevent them from falling into the patterns of children of alcoholics. From what you say, they are already showing multiple signs of the impact of alcohol on their lives. I suggest that you get these children and your entire family into therapy with a therapist familiar with the dynamics of alcoholic families. I also wonder if involving them in Alateen and yourselves in AlAnon would be helpful.

I'm sure that you and your husband feel that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to support the children. Yet, I find it of interest that you, their stepmother, wrote this letter rather than their biological parent, their father. No matter how much you love these children, they need the active, vigorous and meaningful involvement of their father right now. Please remember this too. Best wishes and thank you for writing.

I have been divorced for 4 years. My six-year old daughter calls my fiancee "daddy" and calls her father "Papa". She fully understands that "Papa" is her father and that my fiancee is father to his own 3 children. When she was 3 years old, she only assigned the word Papa to father, as we spoke to her in Spanish first and she learned English simultaneously, but had never assigned "daddy" to anyone. She heard my fiancee's children call him daddy and decided on her own to call him daddy too. She has no confusion as to who her father is, but wants to call fiancee daddy- I think so that she is on equal ground with my fiancee's children. Her father, admonishes her and constantly tells her that she is not to assign daddy to anyone but him. She uses Papa and Daddy naturally, as she has chosen to use them. I have explained the fact that the assignment of this name is not affecting his status as father, but my ex-husband continues to admonish my six-year old without mercy needlessly. She knows who her father is.

The feelings that your child's father has are understandable and this is far from the first time I've heard a parent facing this situation. I'll bet you can understand how he feels too. I've found that what is most important is that the special term reserved for one's parent ("papa" in this case) is reserved for that parent only. A part divorce is that parents do remarry and when they do, children may choose to call their step-parent by a term of endearment, too. This seems to be what your child has chosen to do. So long as your child has chosen this term of her own free will and so long as it is not a term she uses for her actual parent, I suggest that everyone get behind this child and support her. Certainly, being admonished by her father isn't going to help her or make her feel that she is free to care about your fiancee. I'm sure that if/when her father remarries, he'll appreciate the same understanding from you.

I have a Son 12 and daughter 8 who live with their mother and her boyfriend. My daughter told me that their mother lets her boyfriend spank them with a belt when they have done something wrong. They live in South Carolina and I'm in the military stationed in Texas. My daughter doesn't want her mother to know she told me this and said that, "Daddy do not do anything to him because you will go to jail." I am assuming that my ex and her boyfriend were trying to keep this from me and told the children that I will be put in jail to keep them from telling me. Is there anything I can legally have done to stop her from letting this be done. Any help would be appreciated.

For clarification of whether you can do anything legally to stop the spanking, you need to consult with an attorney. As a psychologist, I cannot offer you this kind of advice. From the vantage point of a psychologist, I must tell you that I do not believe that spanking is a useful punishment and that spanking with an object, such as a belt, is abusive. It also concerns me when parents allow their new spouses or boy/girlfriends to handle discipline of children, particuarly when the discipline becomes physical or otherwise abusive in nature. It is also of concern that your daughter feels that she must keep a "secret" since a child feeling that he/she must keep secrets to avoid punishment for themselves or someone else they love can be a sign that abuse is taking place. Do consult a qualified attorney and I wish you the best.

I need advice on how to handle my 13 yr old son with new boyfriend!! I've been divorced for 8 months! I met a very nice guy about a month after the divorce! We dated, and talked on the phone and I slowly brought him around my son. Started bringing him around my son about a month ago. Boyfriend comes over 2 times a week and son is having a problem with it. Son tells me he don't want him here and that he feels uncomfortable when boyfriend is around. I really love this guy and I don't know what to do! I don't want to choose between the 2 of them, cause if I had to to choose it would be my son! But I feel if I do choose then my son will feel that he won and keep doing the same pattern everytime I have a boyfriend! My son will slam bedroom doors, kick, scream , cry and he tells me I love my boyfriend more than him! I always spend time with my son, he is very important to me and we have a very good open communication but lately he holds everything in! Am I doing the wrong thing by having my boyfriend come around him? I desperately need advice on how to handle him in this situation! I try to talk to him and insure him that I love him and will always love him and that nobody could ever take that away, but nothing is working! Please help!

Something you did not mention in your question is the nature of your son's relationship with his own father. My experience is that this often impacts a child's willingness to accept a new partner into the life of a parent. That being said, I'm sure glad that you would choose your son over your boyfriend if you had to since that is, in my view, what a responsible parent would do. Yet, I understand your reluctance and turmoil. I must say as well that his reaction of kicking, screaming and so forth is inappropriate and suggests to me that your young teenager is experiencing some deeper internal struggles and concerns that also need to be addressed. My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified child psychologist in your area to look deeper into what is going on here.

My long term girlfriend and I have separated, and our two year old son is currently living with her. We have used an attachment parenting style, and for now she is able to still be a stay at home mom. I want to support this as long as feasible, but I also want to be there for my son. My girlfriend and I are still quite friendly and spend most evenings together as a 'family'. But, we do not communicate well when it comes to discussion of future custody, and are currently using a mediator/counselor to help us with this. She is planning on attending graduate school in the fall, and at that time I would like to begin having partial physical custody. She is opposed to any physical custody, because she thinks that a child should not have 'two homes'. I would like to eventually have a more or less (most likely somewhat less) 50/50 arrangement. Is a 50/50 (or say 40/60) arrangement practicle and/or healthy for our son. Thank you for any advice you may have.

It's great that you and your child's mother have been able to collaborate and co-parent up to this point. Let's hope that things continue to go well. Insofar as the future custody is concerned, I encourage you to work as hard as you can with your mediator/counselor in an attempt to avoid litigation since that would be best for the child. And while I understand the mother's concerns about a young child having two homes, the accumulated reserach simply does not support her worry. The reserach suggests that children do best when they have loving and meaningful relationships with each parent and when the parents support the relationship with the other parent and when unnecessary conflict is avoided. While very young children often fare best with one "primary" home, as they grow older it is common for children to regularly transition between two homes and to recognize that they do, in fact, have to homes. Certainly in a perfect world, you and your son's mother would still be together under one roof but this simply isn't the case and, therefore, you have to deal with the reality that the child has two parents and two homes.

I have a 15 year old daughter who lives with her dad and step-mom, and now is having some real emotional problems dealing with her dads home environment. Her dad has no problems with drinking or drugs, nor does he physically abuse her, however, he does do a great deal of emotional abuse which doesn't make it any easier for her. He's a real control freak and expects perfection in all things. I know this first hand. My daughter is a good girl, she has a 3.5gpa, she's involved in basketball, plays the violin, does her chores, etc, etc, however he always makes her feel not good enough. She has confided in me that he makes her feel like no matter what she does, its always her fault, or she shouldn't feel a certain way, and so on. The worst part about all this is that I recently discoverd that my daughter is a "cutter" (she cuts her arms.) Two of her good friends called me and I live 2 hrs away to tell me this. I've since had a meeting with her dad and stepmom and my daughter has been to counseling once so far and the doctor twice. I'm very concerned about her yet I feel helpless to do anything. Her dad ultimately decides what he thinks best no matter what I say. So far he is only concerned with why her friends didn't call him, and he thinks she's doing this to get out of chores and homework. I don't think he's taking her serious enough and once again he's disregarding her feelings and making her feel insignifigant. He imply's that shes ruining 5 other lives with her depression( his blended family) and I simply think he's going about it all wrong. He took her music away as a punishment and her phone privliges, until " she starts acting like a part of his family". I'm worried that he may push her over the edge. I think she's that vulnerable right now. She finds that she can't express her feelings to him, for fear she will only be punished for it.

I see more and more "cutting" behavior in my clinical practice nowadays and it is a very serious problem, indeed. Even though it is somewhat trendy and some adolescents do it because they know that other kids are doing it, it is worrisome and something that clearly is not normal. Even when such cutting behavior is done, in part, out of trendiness, it is a serious symptom that must be attended to.

I strongly suggest that you meet with the therapist and/or doctors that are working with your child to learn what they think is going on for her and why they think she is doing this. There may be many reasons and some of these may have nothing to do with her father and her life in his home. So be open-minded and stay focused on your daughter, not on your misgivings and feelings about her father.

I am a divorced mother of a 6 year old girl, and have full custody...legal and physical. I left and divorced her father when she was 2. He was on drugs and was abusive and finally arrested for domestic violence. Soon after our break up, I began dating someone else....someone who was a friend of his. He was recently divorced as well, and also has a 6 year old daughter (our girls have been best friends since they were 2!). My ex-husband has always been very bitter about this, and I felt guilty about it for a long time, but I'm over that guilt now.. My boyfriend has been so wonderful to both my daughter and I over the years, and he is the best friend I've ever had. He is loving and patient and compassionate and has good values and morals. My daughter has grown up with my boyfriend, and loves him very much. They are really close, closer than she is with her dad. Her dad picks her up once a week and takes her for a few hours. She loves her time with him, and I have always tried to support and encourage that relationship. My boyfriend has joint custody with his ex and is blessed with the ability to spend every weekday afternoon as well as every other weekend with his daughter. We all spend a lot of really fun time together as a group, and have been like a family for the past 4 years. We have never done any "sleep overs" and have not lived together. We are Christians and don't believe in that or want to expose our girls to that. We are planning on getting married this year though. Our ex's have been in and out of several relationships and have lived with other people.

Over the last year, my boyfriends daughter has been repeating things that her mother is saying about my daughter and I. Things that are mean and hurtful. It gets me temporarily upset, but what's worse, it makes my daughter feel bad because some of the remarks that are directed at her are personal and/or about her appearance. I have always been close to his daughter, and a few months ago she when through a period of acting out with me and behaving rudely. When I sat down with her to talk about it, she told me that her mother had been badmouthing me and she told her that I was going to try and steal her away from her mom so that she could never see her mom again. I of course explained that I would never do that, and ensured her that I loved her very much and understood how important it was for a little girl to be with her Mommy. So tonight my boyfriend and I got another earful of some things that her mom said about my daughter and I. Maybe she is trying to turn her against us??? She does not like that we are together and has also been very bitter and jealous about it over the years. Whenever his ex does badmouths me, his daughter becomes distant from me. I was wondering what we should do. My boyfriend thinks that he should confront her about it. He did that once before, and it stopped for a while, but its happening again. What advice would you give me?

What a sad situation for this young girl! Unfortunately, what you are describing isn't terribly uncommon and, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it directly. Yes, your boyfriend can confront his ex-wife and probably should do so but not from an angry perspective. Instead, he needs to let her know what he is hearing, what impact he sees this is having on the child that they both love - in other words from the perspective of what is best for the child. And of course your feelings get hurt but it sounds like you have a good perspective on things and that you take care of your feelings without playing them out on the child. Ultimately, you and your fiancé really can only control what goes on in your home, not what goes on in the other home. Make sure that this child feels safe discussing her concerns with you, empathize with how confused and conflicted she might be feeling and reassure her that her mother will always be her mother and that while you love her and care for her, she only has one mother. I also find that giving situations such as these a chance to settle down and self-correct is helpful so do be patient. Thanks for writing and best wishes to you.

My sister was recently asked for a divorce by my brother-in-law. He moved out 3 weeks ago, and my 3 1/2 year old niece is having some trouble with his visits. Upon the recommendation of a recently divorced friend with young children, my sister and bro-in-law have agreed to two visits per week in my sister's home and one sleepover at dad's new apartment every other friday. The two sleepovers have gone fine, but the mon/wed visits at my sister's home are proving to be distressing. They usually eat dinner together and then he handles bathtime and bedtime story while my sister reads in another part of the house. When he leaves, though, my niece gets out of bed, cries and screams at the door, says hurtful things to my sister, and gets herself all riled up before bedtime, thus ensuring a fitful night for both mom and child. I know my sister and bro-in-law are trying to do the best for the child, but I am wondering if you think it might be confusing to her to have daddy back "in the picture" for these monday/wednesday weeknight visits. Also, sis and brother-in-law are talking about summer vacation at theirs and my niece's favorite spot, the beach. Sis is coming to the beach with us (renting her own cottage) and bro-in-law might come down "for a few days". Would it be advisable for him to stay with them in their cottage, or would this again send mixed messages to the child where she would begin to think the family was together again at the beach. Should he get his own place? Should he just wait until he has her for summer vacation and then take her? Many questions!

It is wonderful that your sister and brother-in-law are trying hard to collaborate, work together and cooperate while they go through their current transition. There certainly is no "one size fits all" rule with these situations but I typically suggest that parents help their children adjust by not giving children mixed messages such as vacationing together, going on family outings and so forth. Of course, the needs of children differ and their ability to make sense of transitions differ. If your niece is showing signs of distress after her father visits her at home but does well when she spends time with her father at his new residence, it may well be that she is sending a clear message about her needs and what she can and cannot tolerate right now.

I have been with my new boyfriend now for about 5 months. He is a divorced 43 yr old with 2 children - a boy 13, and a girl 11. He has them every other week for a full week. His 11 yr old daughter is extremely affectionate with him. She is always wanting to get on his lap, get hugged, cuddle up, etc. My problem is that she still apparently will sometimes get into bed with him in the middle of the night when I am not there. He generally doesn't wear much to bed. I think he still thinks of his daughter as a little girl, and doesn't really see anything wrong or doesn't know how to tell her daughter if it is wrong. This makes me very uncomfortable as she is an adolescent now. What do you think I should do and what is the appropriate way to handle this?

I think that you need to tell your boyfriend, in a straightforward and non-judgmental way, that you believe that his daughter sleeping with him is inappropriate. Give him some clear reasons and make the concise and simple. Be sure to let him know that you know how much he loves her and that he doesn't want to hurt her or make her feel rejected or unloved.

The entire issue of whether adults should sleep with children is, as you probably know, controversial. Certainly, if she chooses to continue sleeping with her, it would be a good idea for him to wear appropriate clothing. And, while some families are very comfortable with nudity, men do get erections in their sleep and even for families in which nudity is not a problem, care is taken to avoid having children see their parents in states of obvious arousal.

What you are experiencing with your boyfriend is an example of why a period of dating and courtship is so important in relationship. You really can't get to know what a person is truly like unless you are able to see things unfold over time and are able to observe your boy/girlfriend in a variety of problem solving situations. Whether or not your boyfriend's sleeping behavior is or is not appropriate, your feelings about it are valid for you and this now becomes an issue for you two to process as your relationship unfolds.

Thank you for being here. I am hoping you would be so kind as to clear up the definition of the proper date guideline for the "1st, 3rd & fifth" weekend issue. My daughter's father believes that because the 31st was on a Friday that it makes that particular weekend the "5th wk. end". When the 1st of the month is on Saturday isn't that considered the "1st wk. end" as well? Thank you for your help in advance.

Oh goodness gracious! I find it sad that you and your child's father quibble over such small matters. If you do this, how will you ever work together when it really counts?

As for your question, I am not aware of any technical or statutory definition of this. If you must argue about this, might I suggest that you return to mediation and negotiate a precise definition? Or, better yet, give your child a break from this kind of conflict and take the high road and let it go.

I have a 9 year old daughter who has not seen her father since she was 14 months old (we were never married). From the time she was 8 months to 14 months, he spent some time with her; but ultimately decided that it was too much trouble and chose to exit her life. I have remarried and my current husband wants to adopt her. She knows nothing of her biological father; in fact she has only brought up the topic on two occassions, neither time showing a real interest. The second time she had asked because she was doing a family tree and wanted to know if it would be okay to put my husband, her stepfather for the past two years, down as her father. She has two step-siblings and a half-brother, all of whom she adores.

I located her father two years ago and asked that he give up his parental rights since he has never supported the child and has not tried to contact us or see her (at that time in almost six years). He refused. Over the past year I have been trying to establish his paternity; in Tennessee that means that they automatically assign current and retroactive child support. He avoided the order on several occassions, moved to another state, moved again, and finally, under threat of incarceration, submitted to the order. He made a motion in court that he should not have to pay child support "[r]egardless of parentage," because it violated his civil rights and is unconstitutional. Not once in the past year that this has been going on has he inquired about her or wanted to know how she is doing. However, now that he may be forced to pay child support (we have a trial date set for March), he is insisting that I did not allow him to exercise visitation (he never contacted me nor filed any motion in any court) and he shouldn't have to pay the upward deviation based on the fact that he isn't exercising visitation - that if he has to pay, he should get visitation and not be charged for time not spent with the child.

I am obviously concerned about his motivations. My daughter is well adjusted, as my family has helped out tremendously and she has a wonderful relationship with my parents, my siblings, my grandparents and my aunts/uncles. She now has a great relationship with my husband and all her siblings. I was concerned before I married because it had been just the two of us for so long, but she is definitely happier now. She is in the gifted program at school and has been on the honor roll every time.

I am not opposed to visitation. I told him when he left that if she showed an interest in him and wanted to find him, I would help her. But I think that he has some issues he needs to sort through first. Further, I think that she should receive some counseling to prepare her for what could be an upsetting event and that visitation be supervised at first, and gradually increased.

I guess, in all honesty, I am not clear on your motivations either. Why do you want for your husband to adopt this child when she is, from what you say, a well adjusted child? What is to be gained by her being adopted? Certainly I understand that this may be emotionally meaningful to you and/or her but please do remember that her attachment to your husband and the place he occupies in her heart is hugely important and transcends any legal status. By stirring up the situation and, in so doing, creating the reintroduction of her biological father into her life after such a long period of time, it may be possible that forcing the adoption issue creates more risk than reward.

Certainly, if it is to come to pass that your daughter and her father are going to be reintroduced to one another, I strongly suggest that you make sure that she has a pre-established supportive relationship with a qualified licensed psychotherapist with experience in such cases so that any stresses/fears/problems that may surface can be addressed. It probably makes sense for the first contacts, if they take place, to unfold in a therapeutic setting that provides and assures that things go as well as possible during the first contacts.

I have a 14 yr old Daughter that does not want to go for visitation with her Father this coming weekend because she wants to compete with her her Drill Team at a State competion. Her father says that this is OK so long as it does not interfere with his visitation with her. What do you think about this?

This is such a perfect example of a parent putting his/her needs/desires before that of a child. I feel sad for your daughter that she is placed in such a situation. It is normal for her to want to go to this competition and appropriate parenting would have both of you do everything you can to make this possible. Before long, she isn't going to want to see her father at all if he continues with his type of attitude and who would blame her?

I have a very unique and complicated situation. I am living with my boyfriend. We have been together for four years, living together for three. Due to some extremely unusual circumstances, during his divorce, my boyfriend left his daughter with his second wife (#2), her stepmom. It was supposed to be temporary, as he needed time to find a place to live, etc. and she would not allow him to leave with ANYTHING. Well, she told him that it was really dangerous for his daughter to be there, cause she couldn't take her to the doctor or anything because she was not her biological mom. So, he gave her guardianship. He did not know he was giving up all parental rights.

Three years and tens of thousands of dollars later, we have terminated the guardianship and my boyfriend and I have full legal and physical custody of his daughter. However, her former stepmother has stepparent visitation. This is due to the bond they developed while his daughter was living with #2.

Since guardianship has been terminated and #2 has lost all parental rights, she has been doing and saying things to his daughter that are completely inappropriate. She is lying to her and saying bad things about her father and me, me especially. His daughter has come home and told us that #2 has "hit" her, "pinched" her, etc.

We have called Social Services, but they pretty much laughed in our faces. They told us that since the court saw fit to give her visitation she has "every right" to discipline her how she sees fit!

We don't know what to do. This is causing a lot of torment for his daughter. Her therapist has recommended we take her to her pediatrician for a depression screening because of her recent behavior, she is gaining weight, has terrible mood swings, does not want to do anything, etc.

My boyfriend and I are planning to move out of state later this year. Do you think it would be more confusing for her if we attempted to terminate the visitation with her ex-stepmother? (His daughter has made it very clear that she DOES want to make the move.) We have not discussed what we would do about visitation with his daughter yet.

This is a very complicated situation indeed but rest assured, far from the most complex one I've seen. If this child is being treated by her stepmother #2 in an abusive situation, you might ask that her therapist report this to social services. Sometimes they take the reports from professionals with a bit more seriousness. It has also been my experience that stepparent visitation, when awarded, is "fragile" in that if/when the relationship deteriorates, courts are more willing to suspend such visits versus visits with a biological parent. This is true particularly as the child gets older. I might suggest to you that given your concerns, you consider filing a motion with the courts to end contact with stepmother #2 if you think this is appropriate. This will give the courts a chance to do whatever assessment/investigation they feel is necessary to validate your concerns and those of your child.

I had an affair over a year ago with one of my friend's boyfriends. They have a 3 year old daughter (now 4), I also have 2 children. I babysat thier daughter for them, my son played with their daughter, we used to all be neighbors. We all got along great, we were just unhappy in our relationships. After our affair we moved in together and, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. Since he broke up with his ex she has been angry and continues to get angrier. She doesn't want her daughter near me, she doesn't want her child to have anything to do with me. I knew her daughter for over a year prior to this so we have a very healthy and caring relationship. His ex is very angry - she didn't want them to break up. She wanted to work things out so she is very bitter.

I think my that the mother is trying to alienate her daughter from me. The child and I still have a great relationship with each other and for the past 11 months she tells me "Candace, guess what?", I say what, she says "I love you", and I say it back. However, I have noticed that the last couple have times she has actually been allowed to see her father she seems much quieter than usual and a bit angry towards me. My question is what can I do to help the child overcome the thoughts that have been placed into her mind without affecting this child anymore than her mother has for the past year.

It appears that you understand why and how this little girl's mother is so angry and it also seems that you understand that a parent's anger of this nature has no proper place in the life of a child. It is sad when parents allow their feelings to inappropriately become an issue for children but this obviously happens - all to often I'm afraid. In situations such as this one, I suggest that you and your boyfriend simply go about having a normal life at home and that when the child is with you that you simply be the best parent and step-parent that you can be. It is best that you try not to "compensate" for what you believe the child is experiencing in the other home. Instead, take the high road and try hard to make the same parenting decisions that you would make if you did not believe that the child's mother was acting inappropriately. If/when the child comes to you and tells you that her mother is saying things to her that you believe are inappropriate, it is usually best not to criticize the mother back but, instead, to empathize with how hard hearing such things is for the child and ask the child what it is like being stuck in the middle.

I know that this is a complex situation and I hope that these ideas are helpful to you. Best wishes and thank you very much for writing.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 8 years. He left when my son (8 moths at the time) was identified as being profoundly hearing impaired (deaf). He got involved and moved in with another women and married right away. In the past 8 years he has seen our son everyother weekend for visitation. I believe that he could not handle what was going on.

I am totally involved in raising my son. When his father left, I went back to college to become a teacher so that I would be able to be there for my son 100% of the time. My ex-husband is not involved in our son's life other than when he has him for the weekend. He pays his child support but does not attend school or medical appointments, In fact he does not participate in anything other than the visitation. This is partially because his wife will not allow him to be alone with me in any setting. She must be present or he does not attend. In the beginning of our divorce, his wife interfered and tried to assume the role of "mother" to my son. Since they had a child 5 years ago, that has diminshed to some degree. They also have 15 year son from her previous relationship.

There are times when my 9 year old does not want to go to his father's. I tried to discuss it with him and he just says he does not want to go. I know that he loves his father and me. At other times, he is all over his father. His father can do no wrong and he ignores me. Sometimes when his father comes for visitation, he will barely say goodbye or show me any affection, while being very affectionate to his dad. I'm concerned about what he might be going through or feeling.

I would appreicate any help or insight you could give me. Thank you for your help.

Thank you very much for your letter. The kind of behavior that you are describing in your son is something that we often see in children who feel caught in the midst of parental conflict that they cannot express directly. This kind of behavior can also be rooted in a child's ambivalence towards one or both parents. I can also tell you that relatively brief periods of such behavior is not uncommon in the children of divorce and in many, goes away on its own. If the behavior that troubles you in your son seems to get worse or continues over a period of time (say 3 or more months), I would suggest that you consult a qualified child psychologist in your area to assess what might be going on for your son.

I am 24 years old, and have been a single working mother for the last 5 years. My oldest daughter is 7 and my other is 5. I have not been in very many relationships since I divorced my youngest daughters dad, but I have been dating a man I work with for the last 3 months. I brought him to my home to meet my kids and everything went well until it was time for him to leave and he bent down and pecked me on my lips. I made sure I told my kids that he is mommy's boyfriend and they seemed fine with that. But then when the kiss came so did a really huge temper tantrum. After he left, I talked about the tantrum with my oldest daughter (she is the one who had the fit). She told me that she was worried that if I love him then I will not love her. I have explained to her that I can love more then one person and I thought she understood that. He came over a few more times and it seems that she needs to be right there with us all the time she will not go and play with the other kids even when we are in full view of her. Will she adjust to this or will I have to take her to a doctor about it?

My best guess is that your daughter is struggling with issues of trust and attachment and that she is probably afraid to lose another father figure in her life the way she lost the man who was the father of your younger child. It is impossible for me to say whether she'll adjust on her own or need some help with this. Either way, please keep your focus on the child and her feelings first - even though I know that having her struggle with your new relationship is frustrating for you. A child is your child for life...and you have no way of knowing whether this man will become a permanent fixture or not. Also, children are vulnerable in ways that adults are not. Therefore, no matter what you feel you need to do to help her with her discomfort, recognize that her discomfort ought be your primary concern - not your wish to have her accept this relationship. Her discomfort is telling you something important about some emotional struggles she is experiencing so pay attention to these first. I hope this helps and thanks for writing.

Over a year ago my husband walked into his ex-wife's house to find his daughter wrestling and being tickled by the live in boyfriend. My husband's daughter was 14. He immediately felt uncomfortable about what he was seeing and asked it to stop and not happen again. Since then I have had to talk to the live in boyfriend concerning the matter. Now both of us are being called "paranoid". Is it inappropriate for a grown man to be wrestling and tickling a 14 year old girl?

There really are no hard and fast rules about this kind of thing that I'm aware of. I do understand your concern and suggest that you make sure that the child's mother and boyfriend are well aware of it. I also suggest that you speak with the 14 year old and share your concern as well in a fashion that is not accusatory or moralistic. By doing so, one would hope that if something inappropriate is taking place that she'll feel more able to let you know.

I have been divorced now for 5 years. My son is now 7. I currently live 3 hours away from my son and see him every other weekend (sometimes more often). We didn't have a fighting divorce and have always put our son first - now we are good friends. My son's mother and her husband are moving away to Minnesota. I have agreed to thier move because I want to move out of south Florida as well. I am trying to get my life restarted again and haven't been able to do that here. I feel my best chances of that are moving back to my home town in Kentucky. My parents and brothers and their families are still there. I also feel I'll have a better chance of meeting my next companion there and start a new family like I've always wanted. I love my son very much, and I know this will be very hard on me, not being to able see him as often as I do now, and living that far from him. How will this effect him? He is just now beginning to understanding the aspects of his mom and dad being divorced. I know he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. How can I live away and make it easier for both of us to cope? Or is that possible?

Thanks for your very loving and lovely letter. It is great that you've maintained regular contact with your son since your divorce. This, without question, will help assure that the two of you have an enduring bond that will last over time. Of course, his being separated from either of his parents by a distance that makes frequent time together impossible will be a difficult adjustment but one that I suspect your son can handle since he has the support of you and of his mother. Keep in mind that his moving from Florida to Minnesota will in and of itself be a major adjustment for him so there is much to consider here.

My suggestions is that you stay in regular phone contact with him - several times a week and that you write him, send him a card or exchange e-mail frequently as well, particularly at first. This will help assure him that despite the distance you are there for him, that he is on your mind always and that you can communicate despite the miles apart. Of course, the more often you can see him and the more predictable the time together the better so do whatever you can to travel to see him or have him travel to your home as frequently as possible.

My wife became pregnant in her senior year in high school and had a child. We have now been married for a year and had one child, boy, of our own. Now my wife's little girl is starting to get curious about her biological father. I can see it is very hard on my wife to answer the questions because we don't want to disappoint the child by getting her hopes up about her father. He has not been around at all for that girl and the only time he has ever came around was not for her but to try and get back with her mother. We know her natural father is, for a lack of words, no good. The other problem is that we are trying to the child that one is supposed to wait until you are married before having kids.

How to tell her the truth or talk to her about her natural father without making her feel like she is a mistake and also prevent from being the causing factor of her never having a relationship with her father?

Ahhh...yet another example of the lesson that you can't hide the truth from children. How you choose to tell this little girl about the circumstances of her conception is something that will be heavily influenced by your own feelings about it. You can talk about it in a loving fashion or you can talk about it in a judgmental manner. If you feel loving, you'll be loving. If you feel judgmental, you'll sound judgmental. Nevertheless, this child has a right to know where she comes from and the more she asks, the more she is telling you she wants/needs to know. You can't mislead her or lie to her and have her end up trusting you so be honest, tell her what she needs to know at a level that makes sense for her and allow her to feel supported in coming to terms with the truth.

With regard to your wanting to teach your child that sex is for married couples...might I suggest that this is also an opportunity for you to show her that everyone does things that are against their better judgment, that none of us are perfect and that learning is a life-long process?

I am the single mother of a bright four-year-old daughter. I left her father when she was four months old and have not told her about him. But I think it's time to address the subject and I don't exactly know how to do so. We talk about different kinds of families -- some with one mom, some with a mom and dad, some with two moms -- ones she can identify with in terms of her preschool classmates familial circumstances. She knows that our "family" consists of me, her, our dog, her aunt and her uncle.

My daughter's father (my ex-husband) is in prison. I write to him a few times a year about our daughter and and send him photos of her. He replies with letters of gratitude as well as entreaties that she be told how much he loves her. He sends her a birthday card every year and, I believe, truly does love her.

After leaving my husband, I relocated to another state and have not discussed her father's circumstances with other than the few people who need to know them. It is doubtful that he will be released until she is an adult and, if then, will probably be deported as he is not a citizen. While I do believe he was wrongfully imprisoned, the fact remains that he is in jail and society has its own assumptions and presumptions about prisoners. As such, I am loathe to burden my daughter with them. Nor do I want her to feel shame, embarrassment, or any other feeling of inadequacy as a result of her circumstances.

I write now because my mother, visiting last week, told me that my daughter had said to her that "my daddy stepped in a puddle and died." Imaginative, true, but also devastating insofar as she has never uttered a word about him to me. I am in the dark as to how to deal with this. She is at an age when she wants to tell her friends about anything she discovers. To her, having a father would be the ultimate "discovery." The questions that would eminate are not ones I know how to deal with.

I've thought of telling her that her father loves her very much but that he is far away and cannot visit. Given her familiarily with air travel, I can only anticipate that she'll ask if she can take a plane to visit him. I don't know whether or not you've confronted any similar situations in your practice, but if you have, I'd be interested in hearing how you've handled them. I am interested in ensuring that whatever I tell her now can be accepted as well as explained in further detail when she is older and (optimistically) can handle additional information. I'd also like her not to resent me or think me a liar when she's older (at least for this).

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and touching letter. This is a very difficult and anxiety provoking situation for sure. Since your daughter is beginning to make statements about her father, she is letting you know that she is wondering about her father and that she needs to have some information about him. My own sense is that ultimately, she needs to know the truth about her father since this is a reality in her life and a piece of who she is. How quickly she learns the whole picture and at what pace is something you'll have to determine as her mother and as someone that knows the child. One thing I can state is that it usually is best not to lie to children about such things. If they are lied to (and please remember not lying is different than telling the whole truth), they learn not to trust. Therefore, when she makes statements about her father, try and draw her out, find out what she is thining and wondering about, try and discover the questions she has stirring inside of her and try to answer them in a way that is appropriate for her age and emotional maturity. What you have to wrestle with is the fact that a truth of her life is that her father is in prison and that he has been, for right or wrong reasons, convicted of a crime. This is a truth for your child and something she is ultimately entitled to know. So long as she is raised with love and understanding and truth, she will fare much better than if she is raised with lies and in a context in which her needs to know are minimized, denied or not addressed.

My ex-husband separated when our daughter was one-half I was pregnant with our second child. We divorced and he fought for visitation rights. He got standard visitation for both girls. He only exercized this for our oldest girl. He's never seen our second girl. Our oldest girl is 8 now and he hasn't seen her since she was 3 my husband has adopted them and considers them his own. My question is my 8 year old remembers her "old daddy" and tells me things about him. He was very abusive to me, How do I talk to her about this? Thank you.

You don't. Would it benefit her to tell her that her biological father was abusive to you? It is hard for me to imagine how this would benefit the child. Given that we parent in the best interest of children, my sense is that it is best for you not to discuss this with your daughter. Thanks for writing and best wishes.

I am a soon to be step dad. My wife to be has custody of two wonderful girls (6 & 9). Her ex seems to be a nice guy and we have a fine relationship. The visitation schedule they have used for the last several years is driving me crazy!

The current arangement is that he takes the girls every weekend from saturday at ~5:00pm and brings them back sunday at ~11:00 am. We work long weeks and look forward to the weekends. The problem is that every weekend is interrupted with child exchanges making it difficult to spend any quality time with them or engage in standard weekend activities. We also have to deal with the "transition" issues every weekend. In addition, I do not see where their dad is really offering any "parenting" time, just "visitation".

I am an advocate for the every other weekend visitation (two full days!). Unfortunately, when I bring up the issue, I am accused of just trying to get rid of the kids. I would just as soon have them for every weekend, but I just don't like every weekend cut in half. This 18hr every weekend schedule in my opinion is destructive from both a parenting perspective and a recreational time perspective.

While this is an atypical child-sharing schedule, it is what it is. When you become involved in the life of a woman with children, you take on accepting things as they are. When I hear a parent (or step-parent) say what you said (that it is driving you crazy), I want to say that it is not about what you feel, it is about the children and what they feel. If it is working for them, so be it! When you become involved with a woman that has children from a previous marriage, you implicitly take on the realities this brings but you do so without the ability to directly influence things or assert your wishes in the same way that you might be able to if these were you own children. Sure, talk to your soon-to-be-wife about your observations and why you think there may be alternatives to the current arrangements. Ultimately, however, you are best off accepting her decision and that of her children's father without making it your issue or driving yourself to distraction over the issue.

I am a grandmother with custody of my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter. I have custody is because my daughter-in-law does not want full responsibility of the child and I did not want my son to have full responsibility while trying to work full time and attend college full time, plus have to worry about properly providing for her care. My husband and I have the financial means and I own and operate a day care center, therefore all the hard issues were covered with my suggestion for custody.

The problem is now that the child refuses to spend time with her father - she cries, hides, and says she does not like to go to his house any more. She is a well adjusted child and they have been separated since April - the mother just moved in with a new boyfriend and the father keeps his social life separate and away from the child at my encouragement since I did not want the child to have to fight for attention from new "partners". Now I am beside my self and terribly upset with this set of circumstances and desperatelly need help.

Just how well adjusted is this child if she refuses to go with her father? I have the sense that there is allot more to your situation than you've described. However, what I clearly sense is that you still feel like you are in control of your son's life even though he is an adult and parent. Could it be that your grandchild, in part, senses your need to be in control and that this causes her to feel anxious and afraid of being away from you?

I have been separated for over 2 years and divorced now for 8 months. I am in a relationship for 7 months now with a wonderful man. He absolutely adores my children, gets along with them marvelously and our relationship is loving, open and honest along with being very respectful. He wants what is best for the children too. I would like to know if you think it is a good idea for my children to know that my boyfriend sleeps over, or should I not allow it at all when they are with me. My marriage ended due to an affair. I sat back for a year getting myself together, dated after that a few times but never dated anyone I wanted to introduce to my children. The children's father is only involved with the children lately because his girlfriend moved several states away and he now had to move into his parents house. He sees the children at his convenience and if his girlfriend is in town he sees her instead. He rarely calls them during the week and that hurts the children. Since the children have no set day to see their father( his choice), the court ordered every other weekend. Am I wrong for allowing my boyfriend to sleep over 2 nights a week? Most weekends I am with the children and I get a sitter Saturday night so my boyfriend and I can have "adult time". Fridays we spend doing things with the children. I only want to do the right thing. Please advise.

I'm a little confused here. You seem to be tying your desire to have your boyfriend stay the night with you when your children are home with some feelings you have about the children's father and his behavior. I'm not sure that these have anything to do with each other really. In other words, your decision about your own behavior needs to be based upon your sense of what is best for your children, not based upon what their father does or does not do. This kind of decision is one that has a number of moral/ethical implications to be sure and it is not my place to make such judgments for you.

Generally, I think it is best for children when their parents refrain from spending too much time with a new romantic interest, in the presence of the children, until they are pretty certain that this is an individual who they see themselves with for a long time to come. This includes spending the night. Remember that evenings and mornings are special family times and very intimate parent-child times. Introducing new people into these times and routines is a special thing not to be taken lightly. Once again, I am not commenting from a moral perspective but rather based upon what makes children more comfortable.

I am a 14 year old boy living with my mom and my so called "step dad" My first question is is he really my stepdad. My father has told me over and over again that a stepdad is someone who takes the place of a dad when the child's dad has passed away. My second question is is he LEGALLY allowed to hit me. I have called my father many times and asked him this question and of course he says no, but my stepdad won't stop. In case your curious he tends to just hit me on the head when he doesn't like something i'm doing. I know parents are allowed to hit their children, but is he really my parent. My dad refers to him as just a guy that has married my mom. I need to know what I am legally allowed to do in order to stop this.

I don't know what the legal definition of "step-dad" is, if there is such a legal definition. I do know that in an everyday sense, this term is often given to the spouse of a parent when someone's parents have been divorced. In this sense, using the term "step-dad" is accurate. As to whether he is legally allowed to hit you, you'd have to ask an attorney this question. I can tell you that I don't believe that any adult should hit a child under any circumstances. This means parents, step-parents, grand-parents, teachers, friends, sitters and so forth. I just don't see the logic in hitting a child or hitting anyone that you supposedly love and care for and about.

Have you spoken with you mom about how you feel about your step-dad's behavior? What has she said? Does she permit this behavior? I strongly recommend that you let your mom know how you are feeling and let her know that you've not been able to get your step-dad to stop hitting you and that you are now asking for her help. Please let us know what happens. Thanks.

I need some advice. I have a nine year old daughter that has some emotional problems and I don't know what to do. Her father and I divorced when she was 2 1/2. I tried to take care of her on my own, but after a few months and many emotional problems of my own, I gave her to her father. I got mixed up in drugs and alcohol, I began a lesbian relationship, and I lived at my job. I knew that I could not take care of myself, much less her. I got to the point that I did not care if I lived or died. In fact I contemplated ending my life. My mother tried to talk me into giving her up completely, but I could not do that, so that is when I gave her to her father. After our divorce was final, I just went really out of my mind. I felt like I had failed. I felt like it was all my fault.

In August of 1998, I met someone on the internet and I moved to Pennsylvania. I left my daughter, my family, and my friends. At the time I thought that was best for all involved. I was coming off of the drugs and I was not a very good person. I was there for two months to the day. My daughter asked me to come home and told me that she loved me and for some reason at that moment, I knew that I had to come back and be the mother that I had meant to be when I gave her life. My baby needed me and I needed her. I found the love that I had lost for so long. I could think of nothing but getting back home to her. I arrived in Christmas Day. When I saw her and she ran into my arms, that was the best present that anyone could have possibly given me.

In 1999, I started seeing one of my sister's friends. I had known this man for a few years through my sister. We started dating and he helped me through a lot of emotional problems and helped me regain trust in men. In July of that year we wed. My daughter still lived with her father and her new step-mother at this time, but I had her anywhere from 2 to 5 days a week, and all of her school breaks.

Up until May of this year, she has gone back and forth between her father and I. There was constant turmoil over how she was to be raised and who would take care of what. My new husband I took care of all of her school clothes and supplies, medical and dental payments, summer clothes, and anything that my ex-husband told me that she needed. Whenever I had her, he never helped me with anything. He always said that he could not afford it. He was always pushing for child support from me but never would help me. This caused many problems with my husband and I.

This is where it began to get bad. My ex and his new wife had a new baby. My daughter came to live with us permanantly and now she is causing all kinds of problems. She lies, steals (from me), disrupts in school, argues with adults, whines and cries and throws fits. Most of it comes after her father misses his weekends. He might go weeks without seeing her or he might have her for a night or two and calls and says he needs to bring her home. He never calls to see how she is doing. Never asks how she is doing in school.

What do I do? I know that I made a lot of bad mistakes in her life, but I am trying to be the best mother that I can for her now and make up for what I put her through. She is putting a lot of tension on my marriage. Her step father is trying his hardest to be the father that her real father is not, but she is making very hard on him. Please help me. I don't know where to turn. I am in the process of putting her into counseling but is there anything that I can do in my home to help her?

Thank you for your honest and touching letter. It sounds as if your daughter, at the tender age of nine years old, has experienced separation/abandonment by both of her parents. When this happens, children find it very difficult to trust. They become angry and they test limits. It sounds like she is currently testing the limits of your relationship with her to see if you are really going to stand by her or if you will leave again.

You asked what you can do in your home to help. Here's what you can do. Have rules and limits that are clear, concise, stable, predictable and consistent. Have rewards for respecting the limits that are tangible and meaningful to her. Have consequences that are immediate and meaningful. When limits are passed and rules broken, apply consequences every time. And be sure to reward good behavior - this is also very important. Let your daughter know that you know that she is angry that you left her when she was younger and that her father who has more recently left her. Let her know that she can count on you to be there for her now no matter what and show this to her in your deeds. Allow her and encourage her to express her anger with you and with her father along with her sadness. Help her see her recent behavior as expressions of these feelings and validate the feelings. Do get your daughter into therapy and do so soon. She clearly has a good deal of anger and hurt to work through. This takes time so get things going.

I am worried about my 16 year old son. He is heavily into the "punk" movement - Mohawk hair, in a variety of colors, clothes covered with safety pins and chains, wears nothing but black, has piercings, wants a tattoo, etc. How concerned should I be? He is not doing that well in school on major subjects, but extremely well on the creative ones, ie. photography, art, sculpture, etc. He is a good kid, but seems so unhappy at times - rarely laughs or seems to enjoy life. He won't talk to either me or his Dad (we've been divorced 10 years, so he sees his Dad 1-2 times a month). Should I try counseling (which he has said he won't attend or go along with....) or just chalk it up to being 16?

When I was 16, it was considered shocking by my parents that I had hair over my shirt collar and that I attended marches to protest the war in Viet Nam. Each generation has its own ways of defining itself, marking its independence and each generation adopts ways of being that are upsetting/shocking to adults. Now that I'm a parent of teenagers, were one of my sons to dress the way your son dresses, I'd find myself wondering about it too. Yet, what is important is to look at the person underneath the hair, safety pins and black clothes. Does he seem happy? Is he generally cooperative? Is he respectful of other people? Is he developing goals and mapping plans to achieve them? Are there things in life that he is truly passionate about and invested in that are positive in nature? And by the way, finding a 16 year old who wants to go along with therapy is rare indeed, no matter how they dress. I hope this helps. Thank you for writing.

I have read similar questions from other parents but want to pose my question to you anyway: My ex-husband and I have a 7 yr old that we share joint custody. We were both on active duty military for the majority of our marriage. I have remarried and have an 18 month old with my new husband. I have custodial care of my 7 year old. In our divorce decree it states that neither my ex or I can move out of state without the other's permission. At the time of our divorce I was not on active duty but in the reserves and I agreed to this stipulation because I wanted the divorce badly and was not subject to moving around. I am back on active duty now and am up for orders. Of course my ex husband is not willing to give me permission to take our 7 year old with me. He has agreed that our son could live with him for the next 3 years. I am not happy about having to move but I have 10 years left until retirement vs. quiting the military and staying here and getting a job. Nor do I have enough money for a child custody battle and also don't want to put our child through that. I feel like my hands are tied and I want to do what is best for everone in the long run. Additionally, my ex is living with his girlfriend (they bought a house together but have no plans to get married) who has a 6 year old that my son is very attached to. Right after the divorce my ex and I had some problems and I had a permanent order of protection placed against him among other things. At no time was our son in danger. Now my ex-husband and I get along exceptionally well and have worked through our problems. I understand that no matter what someone is going to get hurt. I just want my son to hurt the least. Ultimately, I believe that I provide the best care for our son, but wonder if I am just being selfish - knowing that his father would love the opportunity to take care of him full-time. Given this scenario, these are my questions:

1. I want to do what is best for our 7 year old. Is there any data that indicates that he is better off with me vs. his father at this age.

2. I know the best thing for me is to stay here, but if I am to continue my career, I can't. I feel like agreeing to let my son live with his father is picking my career over my child. But in the long run I will have a retirement package in 10 years vs. our failing economy. Also, I have not completed my degree so I would be entering the work force as a secretary or somthing and will not be able to match my income now. Will there be damage to having him travel once every two months between homes.

3. I am so afraid that my son will feel like I have abandoned him and will feel like I picked my "new" family over him if I leave without him. He exhibits some jealous behavior towards the attention his younger sister gets as it is. Is there any literature or guidance you can refer me to - to help him understand that is not the case if we decide that he will live with his father.

4. What consideration, if any, should be given to my son's preference to move with me or stay with his father? Should he be involved in our decision or just be made aware of the situation. I am sure that he would feel pressure to say that he wants to live with my when he is with me, and to say that he wants to live with his dad when he is with him. I can't imagine that he should have to deal with that kind of responsibility.

Any insight you can provide would be helpful? The majority of the literature that I have found is geared toward mother's that have really "abandoned" their children or the importance of having a good workig relationship between divorced parents. Maybe you can point me in a different direction.

First of all, I compliment you and your child's father for the love and maturity you show in having settled your differences so that you can coparent successfully. Above all else, this is the most positive thing you can do for your son over the long run.

The research on children living with mother's versus father's is, not surprisingly, controversial. I am unaware of any truly solid scientific research that would allow me to confidently tell you that your son would be better off with a female versus male parents with all other factors being equal. I can understand your concern that your son might feel that you abandoned him in favor of your career. On the other hand, he could also feel that you took him away from his familiar community and his father in favor of your career. The simple truth is that balancing the demands of career and parenting can be complicated and even agonizing. You are doing what you need to do - thinking and reflecting on the issues as well as getting the input from experts and advisors.

You asked what consideration should be given to your son's preference. At his age, you can be sure that he will have a very hard time voicing a preference other than for things to stay the same. I don't think that it is a good idea to give your son too big a voice in this decision since doing so will probably result in his feeling very pressured and stressed. Instead, you might consider reaching and then discussing it with you son in the form of "this is what is going on, this is what we are thinking but we are not sure yet" so that he can come to you with his thoughts when he feels ready to do so. Even so, whatever you decide, there will be plusses and minuses; potential risks and rewards. There is no decision that will assure that everything will be ok.

I am a mother of a child who's father passed away about 2 months ago. His parents have filed a petition with the Court to be given partial custody of my child. The paternal grandfather has an extreme addiction to alcohol and for this reason I am scared for my son to go out to that house for any length of time. I am planning on requesting a evaluation of both grandparents mental health. With the grandfather having this addiction, is there any way that partial custody can be granted to the paternal grandparents due to the alcoholism in the family?

Since I'm a psychologist, I cannot give you legal advice with regard to these issues. I can only comment on the psychological issues. The whole issue of grandparent's rights is a hot topic and one that is handled differently in different legal jurisdictions. Therefore, I suggest that you check with a qualified family law attorney in your area.

Without question, the impact of alcoholism on the family cannot be understated. Children who grow up in homes where alcoholism is present or around people who abuse alcohol suffer the impact of the alcoholism even though they don't drink. That said, whether or not the court awards the paternal grandparents "partial custody", please be sure that you put the needs of the child first. Remember that to the extent that your child builds a safe relationship with their father's parents, this keeps his memory and legacy alive for him which is a good thing. In situations where young children lose a parent to death, it is important to make sure that they are given support in maintaining positive relationships with the extended family of the deceased parent.

My fiancee has joint custody of her two daughters. We've been asked to move to her parent's farm on 80 acres to help them since they are in there mid 80's and can no longer manage it by themselves. The farm has been in the family for over a 100 years and they don't want to sell it. The girl's father refuses to give his consent to move. The farm is 7 hours away. We don't want to take them away from their dad. We only want a change in visitation so we can move them to the farm. We believe that the farm is a better environment for the girls We live in the city now, we are barely making it here and we have a new job offer in the country as well. We believe that with the new environment and the new job that we could give the children a better life. We don't want to leave them with there dad for several reasons one of which is he is not an American citizen and has no intention of becoming one. He says he doesn't want to give up his Indian citizenship for American citizenship.

I find your letter very confusing. On the one hand, you state that you can provide the children a better life in the country and state that you don't want to take them away from their father. On the other hand, you put the father down for not wanting to be an American citizen and in so doing show that you are judgmental of him. (By the way, if your fiancee had children with him, obviously it was Ok with her to have children with a man who wasn't a citizen so what's changed? And besides, which, what does his being an American citizen have to do with his being a good parent?) If the country is such a good place to raise the children, why didn't you try and move there long ago? To be honest, it sounds to me as if your fiancée's parent's request that you come help with the farm is a convenient way of moving them a distance from the father. Stating that you want a "change of visitation" just doesn't make sense when you are talking about a 7 hour trip to see the father.

I suggest that you carefully consider all of the ramifications, motives and implications of this planned move and make sure that if you do move that you are doing it because it is in the children's interest, not because it serves you, your fiancée or her parents.

My son is 4 3/4 old and will be 5 on 2/16/03. He is extremely well adjusted and loves both parents tremendously. I currently have joint legal custody with a 60%-40% timeshare, the mother @ 60%. I have him every other weekend from Friday @ 4:00pm to Monday @ 8:00am. I have him on Tuesdays from 4:00pm until 8:00am the following morning and on Thursdays from 4:00pm to 7:00pm. We basically split all holidays in 1/2. My child starts kindergarten next fall and I am considering petitioning the courts for a 50-50 split with dual households. I have talked to other parents about this issue. I have been advised to look into what is called a 4-3, 3-4 arrangement or a 7 days w/mom, 7 days with dad. The mother and I get along o.k. We all live within a 5 mile radius and the school he will be attending is in this radius. I feel that now is the time to implement a schedule that will require less exchanges and be more stable. What is your opinion on the timing and can you tell me a little more about these 4-3, 3-4 & 7on, 7off and what is your recommendation.

First of all, congratulations to you and your child's mother for the successful coparenting you share! This is wonderful for your son. With regard to your question, I'd like to know why his starting kindergarten seems like and event that should trigger a change in the parenting plan. If what you have is working well for him, why would this be a good time to change things around? Changes in child sharing plans usually should be contemplated when there is a compelling reason to make a change so what is the compelling reason? Starting kindergarten doesn't seem like one to me.

That said, if you do make a change, a 4-3-3-4 plan is probably best for a child this age. The week on/week off plans require the child to be separate from each parent for one week at at time. At his age, this is a period of time that many experts believe is too long. A 4-3-3-4 plan allows the child to spend part of each week in each home and works quite well for children as long as the parents do not experience a high degree of conflict and handle the exchanges/transitions well.

I hope that this information helps...please write again if you have any other questions.

I am recently divorced and have an adopted son through the marriage the child is the natural birth child of my ex-wife. I adopted my son last year he is 8 and I have been in his life for the last 7 years. He does not know he is adopted as his natural father choose not to be involved. My ex-wife has just moved her new boyfriend in with them and he is working towards being a father figure to my child. What do I do? When do I tell my son that he is adopted?

You are your son's father and that will never change. If your ex-wife gets involved with someone else or you get involved with someone else, your new partners/spouses will never be your son's parents. However, they can become important parental surrogates and do take on importance in the lives of children. This is something that is often difficult for divorced parents and something many have to work hard to accept...I sense you are one of these parents. So, what do you do? You love your son, you be the best father you can be and you recognize that your ex-wife's boyfriend is in the child's life and has a role to play too. You let your son know that these transitions are hard, you listen to him and problem solve with him and you help him adapt to the changes. That shows him to love him and that you are able to put his needs before your needs.

Insofar as the adoption issue is concerned, this is something that you and his mother should, optimally, do together. He certainly is at an age where he can understand what adoption is but given that he is in the midst of possibly complex transitions, this may not be the best time to share this information. However, I suggest that you do it sooner than later since your son is at a point in development where issues of identity and self-concept are about to become paramount in his life. Knowing who he is, how he came to be and how he came to have the mother and father he has will, therefore, be important for him.

I am a single mom of a 5 year old son. His father and I have joint custody and he currently takes our son about 8 days a month (every other weekend Thurs evening - Mon morning). I feel this has been working well, he is able to spend full weekends with each parent. I have him enrolled in a private Kindergarden and am able to take off work for doctor's appt's, school events, sickness, pick him up early if needed and not drop him off in the morning too early. My ex-husband is pushing towards 50/50 split and I am wondering what kinds of effects that has on children. I have heard that it is not good because the children do not feel as though they have a 'stable' home. I hope that you can tell me the psychological effects on children and what the best 'split' would be. I just want what is best for my son. Thank you in advance for taking the time to respond.

The question you are asking is one that many parents have and, of course, each situation is different. First and foremost, your child will benefit from a minimum of conflict and disagreement between the homes. Therefore, what worries me most about the situation is the potential for a dramatic increase in conflict between you and your son's father, particularly if litigation takes place. With regard to the appropriateness of a "50/50" split, the research on the importance of a primary home in young children is equivocal and there is a good deal of disagreement. From a developmental perspective, my experience is that five year old children are at an age where a primary home is usually helpful but they are rapidly moving towards being able to do quite fine when their time is split between two homes. If you and your child's father do move towards a 50/50 split, your son is at an age where a solid week with each parent is probably not best but, instead, a split where the child spends part of each week in each home is best.

I am recently separated (8weeks) and my husband and I are writing a separation agreement (hopefully without lawyers involved). I have a rough draft complete but am struggling with one clause and how to make it fair for everyone. Stephen has Nicole Sunday thru Tuesday, I have her Wednesday to Sunday. What would you suggest would be a fair compromise if one of us gets an opportunity that would take us outside of the schooling area? Stephen and I are on good terms (we will likely be friends once the dust settles). I am not afraid of him taking advantage of either Nicole or myself.

First and foremost, congratulations on your efforts to work out an amicable and peaceful settlement in your divorce. You are doing yourself such a favor and, more importantly, are giving your daughter a gift that is priceless! It is so hard to predict the future and what will take place - and the decisions that will need to be made. Obviously, you are trying to sort out some of the more likely contingencies in your marital settlement agreement but even so, this is a daunting task. I would suggest that you put some language in the document that states that such decisions will be made with the best interests of the child in mind rather than the desires of either parent. What does best interest mean? That's hard to say given that you are trying to predict the future. However, the point is that the language of the document reflects your taking a collaborate set between you and puts, in writing, that the focus is on what is best for the child and that you are willing to cooperate and negotiate to bring this about. Keep up the fantastic co-parenting!

My sister is 4 states away from us and is having maritial problems. She desperately wants to leave. She's dealt with her husbands mentally abusive behavior for 8 years now. If she takes her children here her husband says he'll have her arrested for kidnapping. Everytime things get out of control her husband is so sorry he acted the way he did, he'll never do it again. He becomes helpful and kind. She hasd fallen for the line too many times. She is the only bread winner in the house and is 5 months pregnant with sky rocketing blood pressure. Can she and the children come here to start a life of their own? My heart breaks for her but more so for the children they have no say or choice in the matter.

From what you describe in your letter, your sister displays many of the classic signs of a woman who is being psychologically mistreated. Your sister needs to get some help from professionals who work with battered women (psychological battering is no less real than physical battering) who can help her made decisions and rational choices about what she can realistically do to help herself and the children. Be supportive of her, keep her focused and insist that she get help.

This is my first child. I have dated the father off and on for the past 4 years. We started talking and got back together because he had made a mistake and was unhappy. I trusted him and he was getting divorced when the day of the divorce the wife called to tell him she couldn't go through with it. This baby is a miracle and we for medical reason's decided to have this baby.

Five months into my pregnancy the father came home to tell me once again he was confused over the two of us. I then asked him that if this was true for him to leave, I told him we have been back and forth for 4 years dealing with this issue and it's not right to bring a child into this. So he has left and later on found out that he and the wife decided that they would stay married.

I also know this wife and she's an alcholic with 2 DUI's the father has had 1 DUI. They fight and both have domestic violence records. These facts scare me for the safety issue of my child when she's with them. Also during our seperation this time I was 5 months and he came up behind me and pulled me to the ground which scared me that he could have caused me to lose this child. I'm very concerned with the life style if lives and the anger he has that my child being turned over to him could be placed in danger. "It's to late after something happens to them"

My questions concerning these are should I go ahead with joint custody? Do I have enough with the police records to keep them from having visitation of this child? I'd like to have sole custody but don't know if the police records will be enough. In Florida is there really grandparents rights still, I have heard that law was done away with. How soon do you have to turn a infant over to visitation? I've wanted a child since I was 18 and because of medical reason's were always told that would probably never happen. Since this miracle was given to me it's my obligation to keep this child safe.

Many of the questions you are asking me are legal questions and for answers, you really need to consult a qualified family law specialist in your area. As a psychologist, I'm not qualified to give you answers.

I do understand your concern for the safety of your child. Some things have happened that frighten you and make you worry about the child's safety in the father's care. I certainly wouldn't want any child in a vehicle being driven by someone who may be intoxicated nor would I want any child to be exposed to domestic violence. You do have a lot to consider, though. This man is the child's father and the child has a right to know the father. Even if the conditions under which the child sees the father are limited and restricted, keep your focus on your child and what, ultimately is best. Having your child start life with a parent who, at some level, wants to deprive the child of knowing the father is of concern to me. Being smart and assuring safety for the child is important but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater here and do an irreversible "parentectomy" that may ultimately be deeply psychologically damaging to the child.

My "wife" and I have not been intimate or loving for most of the lives of our two sons, 8 & 12. The 8-year-old has really never seen an example (from us) of how parents should behave, as most of our non-superficial conversation has been argumentative. We have kept together primarily for the kids sake and also for pragmatic financial reasons, although some of this reasoning may be misguided. For example the 8 year old is having some emotional instability problems, starting over a half-year ago. Now that her parents (that need full time care) have their own place in town, she spends most of her time over the last five months there (My ill Mom-in-Law was living in our bedroom for the previous year and a half). During years of forced celibacy I never did stray, something which I feel foolish about now, given that my wife developed an extended social life that specifically excluded me. Just over a couple of months ago I announced to her that I was sick of the situation, and going to find someone to love. I found a wonderful someone right away, due to fortunate timing and just plain good luck. We now have a very beautiful relationship and intend to become married when that can and should happen. We both experienced similar inconsiderate treatment from our "ex's" (she has been divorced for 6 years, and has a shared 9 year old son), and these experiences serve to increase the deep appreciation we have for each other's love. I know that textbook divorce advice is to not introduce casual lovers etc to the kids, and my "wife" of course vehemently objects to the very idea. In this case however, my sons have not really experienced "marriage" of their parents for the last 7 years. I feel that introducing my girlfriend is additive, rather than being symbolic of the subtraction of a nonexistent marriage. I feel guilty that my sons have not had an example of loving behavior, and I wish to show them one now. Of course considering only their interests: When is it okay to introduce her to them?

Dear Impatient: Whether or not your children's mother and you have been close, she is their mother and they have lived in an "intact" family. While you may be able to rapidly and readily find a substitute partner, your children will find it much harder to accept the loss of the nuclear family. You would be well advised to give your sons time to come to terms with the breakup of the family before you ask them to accept you with a new intimate partner. While ultimately the presence of your girlfriend and your being able to model a truly close and loving relationship may be additive for your sons, I think it is ill-advised to thrust her upon them right away before they've had a chance to grieve and get used to the changes in family structure.

Be more sensitive to your sons's transition and be less concerned about your new relationship. Do what you want in your private time but until your sons have come to terms with the change, put their needs first, not yours.

My sister just called me this morning. Her husband wants a divorce and says he is getting custody of their little boy. He is claiming she is an unfit mother. They have been incompatible for quite some time. As far as I know, there has been no violence, just a lack of love in the home. My family has a history of depression and she has been struggling with finding the correct medication for over a year. Additionally, to avoid being with her husband, she has been working long hours, leaving child care duties to him. I assured her this morning that custody rarely goes to the father, but I wanted to get your thoughts. Will he be able to use her depression or her being absent during weeknights against her? She has not tried to harm herself or the child. She loves her child and is a wonderful mother. Thanks for your time.

I've seen so many unexpected things happen when custody battles take place that there's no point in trying to predict what will happen. One thing I can tell you is that newly separated or about to separate parents often say very spiteful and ugly things to one another out of sheer frustration and fear. Often, these things that are said are threats that have no basis in reality and that the person doesn't truly intend. The courts put the interest of the child first - not the anger or spite of the parents. Courts usually act to make sure that the child has quality relationships with each parent and they place onto the parents the responsibility and expectation that they will act like adults and place the best interest of the children first. As a psychologist who conducts custody evaluations and is called upon to advise Courts with regard to parenting plans, I would want to know more about the mother's history of depression and the degree to which it impacts her day-to-day functioning. The fact that she has been diagnosed with depression is far less important than the way in which depression impacts or doesn't impact her daily life. The fact that she has left the child care duties primarily up to the father in recent months is something I'd want to explore - primarily for the way in which this has impacted the child. I know this is not an easy time for your sister or for you. Take things slow, think things through and always keep your focus on what is best for the child rather than on "winning" the battle with the child's other parent. Best wishes and thanks much for writing.

I am a very concerned grandmother. My daughter and my grandson lived with my husband and me for 3 years, since he was 1 year old. We became very close to my grandson during this time. My daughter met and has had a relationship with a man this past year, however her son was not included in this relationship for the most part and as a result did not get to know her boyfriend very well. My daughter and her boyfriend decided to share an apartment and she and my 4 year old grandson moved out of my house several weeks ago. Now, my grandson is terrified of her boyfriend, evey though nothing untoward has happened. The boyfriend is trying to win his confidence, but my grandson is very afraid of him. ( I have to say that this person is tall, has a loud voice and is very imposing.) He wants to stay in his room all of the time with the door shut and is not eating well. He visits his father every other weekend and comes to visit us on the other weekend (where he is fine). I am truly concerned about his emotional well-being, but I can't talk to my daughter about this. She has told me that the situation is not changing, meaning that they are all going to live together no matter what. Living with his father is not an option. What can I, as a grandparent do, to help him get through this, and what can my daugher do to help him? Thanks for your help,

Why can't you talk to your daughter about this? Does she become angry? Are you afraid she won't listen to you? From the facts that you are relating, it sounds like your grandson needs some time to adjust to being around this man. It may be that your daugther did not her son enough time to get to know this man before establishing a home with him. However, now that they are living together, there is probably no turning back. Try talking to your daughter..keep trying. The more you can open up dialogue and the more sensitive she can be to her son's apparent fears, the more rapidly things will change. I suspect that one thing that will help a lot is to make sure that the parenting and the discipline is being done by the mother and not her boyfriend. Suggest to your daughter that she take time, each and every day, to spend 1:1 time with her son as well but that they also do some non-threatening game or activity that involves all three.

In about last couple of weeks I’ve noticed my 4-year-old daughter doing a strange thing. She gets in the bed, mostly under the blanket, lying on her stomach with both her hands between her legs moving her butt up and down in kind of sexual motion. In a little while she is badly sweating. When in that condition, she does not come to us even if called for the things that usually interest her the most. Initially she used to leave it and get straightened up as soon as we (me or my wife) took her blanket/comforter off, as if she was hiding something.

Initially, I could not believe it. My first suspicions where that she is having some kind of pain in her stomach, a bowel movement or something and that she is trying to avoid going to the toilet (she had constipation earlier which kind of scared her from going to toilet). So I started asking her very softly and very politely. But she said she has no pain and it’s just that she likes it. I was astonished. We have never let her see us in objectionable condition nor there are any such movies in our house that could have seen. All the time she is in front of our eyes. We don’t even leave her with baby sitters or at the day care as my wife does not work since we had her. We both love her so much and have never exposed her to any bad thing like spanking or violence. The only time she is really away from our eyes is for the “pre-school”.

My question is; can a 4-year-old child know and develop sexual feelings especially in this given environment?

Thanks a lot for writing. When I hear a parent relating a situation such as this one, I do wonder whether the child has been exposed to adult sexuality in some form or if the child, unfortunately, has been the victim of abuse. From what you state, these would be very remote possibilities indeed and I surely hope you are correct.

Children can and do develop awareness of sexual feelings and of pleasures derived from the genital region. Even though young, children's bodies are able to react to stimulation of the genitalia. Children explore their own bodies and sometimes, even at such a young age, discover that touching themselves in certain areas and in certain ways feels good. Because they do not know that this kind of self-pleasure is something that is done in private, they may do it with an apparent lack of concern for who is around.

If we suppose that your child has, quite by happenstance, learned how to pleasure herself, it becomes your job to let her know that while this is an absolutely fine behavior that it needs to be confined to certain places and times. Put another way, you need to teach her about privacy and about where certain behaviors are and are not ok. Best wishes and thanks for writing.

I am currently going through a divorce and I have a 5 year old son. It seems as if my 5 year old is having a hard time dealing with the divorce. The first few weeks of our seperation he was quiet and kept to himself. It has been 4 months now and he is now behaving differently. He seems to be more aggressive, not really behaving in school my ex-husband and I have been talking to him together and try to show him that we are still going to be there for him together. My ex-husband and I have a good relationship and we are trying to show him that even though he doesn't live at home he is always there and we are friends. He seems as if he understands and although, I know he is hurt because I went through it as a child myself and remember the pain I am still not sure how to handle his behavior. I continuously tell him how much mommy and daddy love him and if he needs to talk to me or his dad we are here. We are considering counseling for him I just don't know what else to do.

The breakup of the family is a huge event in the lives of both children and parents. Adjusting to the changes takes a lot of time. It is not at all uncommon for young children to display a variety of different behavioral and emotional changes and for these changes to persist for a period of time despite the parent's best efforts. Remember, for young children, the breakup of the family feels like their world is falling apart!

It sounds like you and your child's father are doing a very good job of working together for the best interest and welfare of your son. That is great and I congratulate you. Keep working together and try hard not to expose your son to the conflict that is inevitable in a divorce. I would encourage you to seek the advise and counsel of a qualified mental health professional. If nothing else, this individual can give you some practical ideas, help you problem solve and reassure you that things are on course. Thanks for writing and best wishes.

I have a step son who for the past 3 years has lived with his mother. He does not want to live with her because she is very abusive, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She has been like this ever since he has been 2 years old, up til three years ago when the father moved into my home with his son had custody for 7 years, but becaue he was living in my home and we were not married and according to the judge I had a strange looking physical appearance, the court twice gave custody to the mother, knowing her history of abuse. We have called DHS and they do nothing because of the child's age and size. His grades in school have been poor since he has lived with her, he doesn't sleep well, he has an attitude that I have not seen in him before, because he feels he will have to live with this abuse until he is 18. I have had to talk him out of running away several times. I know the woman is abusive, because we have had to take him to the hospital from her beating him and leaving bruises on his upper arms and legs. She has pinned him down and sat on him and pulled her fist back at him and she is for ever screaming at him right in his face, and calls him names, and tells him he will never amount to nothing. She has been twisting his ears, and pushing him in the chest taunting him to hit her, by saying Come on hit me I know you want too. I have told him not to ever hit his mother or any other female. But he told me it is getting harder for him to control his own temper when it comes to her. he begs me and his father to please get him out of there, but we have done all we can do, we took it to court, and the Judge sent us a letter saying that he hopes that the mother will do the right thing towards the child, but yet he won't order custody change. Please can you tell us what to do?

Your letter is very unsettling. If I understand things correctly, neither DHS nor the courts will do anything to provide you with assistance. If the facts of the case are as you portray them, this is very suprising and I am left to wonder why they won't help. I know that in some jurisdictions, courts are reluctant to give a parent primary custody if that parent is living with someone but is not married to them. It sounds like you and this boy's father are living together and not married. If this is the case and if the courts in your area won't place the child with his father because of this, perhaps the drastic step of having his father move out on his own is warranted. While I know that this would be very difficult for you, the best interests of the child are of primary concern.

That being said, I have to tell you that I'd bet my bottom dollar that there are other case facts that are influencing the judge's decisions that you are not disclosing. The kind of abuse you are describing is something that no social worker or child protective agency would tolerate. Have you obtained legal counsel? Have you taken this child to a qualified psychologist to help sort things out?

My ex-husband and I divorced 2 years ago. We have two boys who were 8 and 6 at the time of the separation and are now 10 and 6. We tried very hard to make the transition as smooth as possible for the boys. My ex got an apartment 5 minutes from the house and we established a visitation schedule of every other weekend and two evenings a week. Despite our efforts, our older son had a very tough time with the divorce and grieved extensively. After a lot of work, he is now doing very well, as is his brother. Now my ex says that he is moving out of state (1500 miles away), and wants to change visitation to twice a year (holidays and summers). I am very concerned about the impact this is going to have on the boys losing their dad from their day to day lives, especially my older son, who is very close to his dad.

Can you please tell me what the emotional and psychological impact this type of change has on children?

When a parent moves a long distance away, it is never easy for children. The nature of the impact of the move on children depends on why the move is taking place (i.e. is a parent moving because they want to? Because they have to move due to work? Because they are in a new relationship?), on the quality of the bond between the parent and children and on how ongoing contact can be maintained. It sounds like your concern for your boys is based on how hard it was for them to adjust to the divorce to begin with and for this reason, your concern is well placed. I would encourage your to remember, however, that the impact and meaning of divorce can be quite different than the impact of geographic separation. It is also important to remember that the world is not a perfect place and that part of growing up and maturing is dealing with loss and grief. While the boy's father moving 1500 miles way is something that is unfortunate and sad, remember that your boys have coped with and adapted to the breakup of your marriage. They can navigate these waters, too.

My dilemma is probably normal to some but I am trying to be fair to every one concerned. I moved in with my boyfriend that has two daughters 19 and 16 both very strong and independent girls. Problems started when I cleaned up the oldest's room to be nice. I didn't look or get into anything in her room just made her bed and folded her laundry. I guess that was a big mistake. I soon found out I invaded her privacy. OUCH. She had been suffering from her mother leaving her father for another man and having that other man's child which now is a little boy age 1 and half.

Then their was strike two I was down stairs doing laundry and I guess I must have washed some of her under garments by mistake. She came unglued and said she wanted a lock on her bedroom door and that I had no respect for her privacy. All this stepping on toes when I didn't mean too.

She got into a fight with her father stating no one understands. He asked her to go stay with her mother for a couple of weeks and think about how she was acting. I felt just horrible. Now she lives in her own apartment won't come back and blames me for all of it and calls me names I wont repeat. But the other daughter she and I get along great we do things together and talk out our problems. How do I fix this? I want her to be close to her dad. But she wants me out of the picture. And the other daughter wants me to stay and be their as a family. Please help I need to know how to handle this.

Your story shows how difficult it can be to be a step-parent and to create a blended family. I'm afraid there is probably no simple or easy solution to your problem. In fact, I suspect that the problems between your boyfriend and his oldest daughter date back to a time when you were not even in the picture. Somehow, your being there and your actions may have ignited these problems and caused them to rush to the surface.

It probably was not a good idea for your boyfriend to send his daughter away to her mother's because this may well have reinforced her belief that no one cares about her. It probably also reinforced her belief that when there are problems that you deal with them by avoiding them and the people involved in them. Now she avoids by refusing to come over.

Your boyfriend and his daughter have some working through to do and healing to do. And it is not your job to please everyone. If this child does return home, it will be necessary for everyone to discuss and negotiate boundaries and limits so that the mistakes that were made are not repeated.

I divorced my husband 2 years ago, he was physically abusive as well as a drug user. He has also been diagnosed with bi polar disorder. He has been arrested numerous times for assault and has had 2 psych admissions. I have full physical and leagal custody of the children ages 13 and 10.

He talks badly about me to the children, to the point where they cant mention my name in his presence. I have a relationship with a man who the children like but he is also a distant cousin of mine. Although this is odd to many it is an acceptable situation in my family and culture. My ex has told everyone in his neighborhood that I am incestual (in vulgar language). I dont care myself but the children go to school with these kids and it makes it very difficult for them. They are angry that he has done this and they are angry with me for putting them in this situation. There are so many examples of his inappropriate behavior that I could give you - behavior that upsets the children and that I worry is mentally abusive. He often has angry outbursts about me in front of the kids.

The problem is they love him. I feel as though they are going to get hurt, that this is emotional abuse and I should be protecting them. Our divorce agreement says only reasonable in regards to his visitation. I could slow it down. Should I? The children will not be happy about it.

I can understand that you are worried about your children and, from what you say, about some of the things that go on when they are with their father. May I ask, however, why it is a "problem" that they love their father? Would you rather your children not love him? When I hear a parent indicate that children loving the other parent is a problem, it makes me wonder if you would rather cut them off from their father to meet some of your own emotional needs. While there is no excuse for the behavior you attribute to your children's father, their loving him is their right. You ask if you should slow down visition. I would ask you if your children have, on their true free will, come to you and asked you to do this or related to you that they don't want to spend as much time with him. If so, listen carefully and consider some changes. If not, calm down and allow your children to have a relationship with their father on their own terms. Children can very good barometers for what is best for them and it may well by that your children would rather spend time with a father who has problems than not spend time with him. I would suggest that you speak with a qualfied therapist in your area and have your children do the same. This will help you objectively evaluate how they are doing and help assure that they have the emotional skills to cope with their stresses.

My husband and I are going through a divorce right now. I have temporary full custody of our children. Our 10 year old daughter completely refused to go with him for this weekend's visit. I was at work when he went to pick them up at the house, and she became so upset, she ran away to a neighbor's house and refused to leave with him. She keeps saying she's scared of him, doesn't like being around him, and that the way he acts makes her upset.

I've encouraged her to spend time with her father, because I strongly feel that she needs a good relationship with him. In fact, her current attitudes concerning her father have lead me to have her in regular counseling. Her father reluctantly allowed her to stay the weekend with me, but is very angry towards me for our daughter's attitudes, saying I'm responsible for why she doesn't want to go to his house. (Since the separation in April, he has only asked for two mid-week visitation times, and has called one of the children once for 5 minutes. I have spoken with my husband about this, and have written him a letter encouraging him to have midweek visitations and call regularly, but he still does not.)

While talking with my daughter this weekend about why she doesn't want to go, she related a number of experiences. The main one was that her father was tickling her under her arms, and his fingers would also go into the area of her developing breasts. She said she asked him to stop, that it hurt, and that she didn't like it. He continued to tickle her, despite her protestations. She told him again to stop. He replied, "What? Are you getting too old for this?" She told him, "Yes!" He still did not stop.

It has been since that incident that she started telling me that she did not want to go back. I do not know how to approach my husband about this, because he will see this as me accusing him of sexual abuse. I have also been told by one of his family members that he is making our 5 year old daughter sleep with him on the nights she is there (she has her own bed at his house). He has also been making extremely inappropriate sexual comments to his niece (age 21) in front of his other family members. He has a very volitile temper, and my daughter has witnessed an increase of this since the separation. She says he talks "bad" about me in front of her, and he won't stop if she asks him to quit. He has suffered from extreme depression and anxiety for the past 10+ years, and has very worrisome behaviors associated with his mental illness (which were driving reasons for the divorce in the first place) that are not healthy for the children. I really don't know what to do. I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but yet I do not want to have to force my daughter to go to his house when it upsets her so much. Her counselor has told her that by law, she is supposed to go, but that unless one of her parents forces her to go, she can make her own decision. While I do agree with what he has told her, I am torn. I encourage her to go to her father's house, but also wish to respect her decision of not going if she truly doesn't want to.

This is a difficult situation to be sure and I can't advise you about whether you should or should not force your daughter to go to her father's home. What I want to address is this; honest and clear communication is important in coparenting. If there is something you need your child's father to know, you need to tell him and allow him to be responsible for his reaction. Your job is to be honest in a straightforward, non-emotional and non-judgmental fashion. Be clear, factual, concise and businesslike. If he reacts with rage, then he reacts with rage but this ought not stop you from saying what you feel needs to be said.

I really enjoy your site and your down to hearth advise. Here is my dilemma. I will briefly explain my situation. I have been separated from my 17 year marriage for nearly a year now. We have a 12 1/2 year old son. My ex husband and I have a nice calm friendly relashionship. He lives at the house with my son and I see my son everyday. We still do a lot as a family but are no longer a couple. We did explain that to him to the best of our abilities but I am not sure how much he comprehends due to the fact that I am so much around my ex. I know that makes it that much more confusing for him. I want to tell him that I met somebody that makes me very happy but I am not sure how to start. How much should I tell, how to say it? Is it too soon? Should he meet him? My new partner respects MY life in a big way and I respect his and his 10 year old daughter which I met. I want to share my pride and joy too but need to find a way to do it delicately to minimize heart break. So far me and my ex have done a fabulous job making sure our son is for both of us OUR priority in our life. I need to make sure this big step is done right.

First of all, I take my hat off to you for being able to coparent with your child's father so successfully. There is every reason to believe that this success will continue and that your alliance with your former husband will help your son accept the change in your life now that you have met someone special. When parents get involved in new relationships, it is important that the relationship blend in with what life is like now and that changes happen over time. Certainly, in order for you to know if your new boyfriend is someone that you can have a future with requires that he and your son get to know each other and that you have the chance to see if he is the kind of man you really want in your son's life. The only way to know this is to see it happen.

I would suggest that you tell your son that you have met a man who you really like and who you think is someone special. Explain to your son that this does not change how you feel about him and that this is not a new father but is, instead, a new partner for you. Let him know that you want to have this man start spending some time with you and your son and that you are very open to how he (your son) feels about all of this. Remind your son that he is your first priority and that this won't change. You might also want to begin thinking about having your son spend some nights with you in your home so that you can set new boundaries with regard to your relationship with your son. Indeed, even if you are not in a new relationship, it makes sense for your son to spend some nights in your home (I am assuming that you do not live with your boyfriend and have your own residence.)

Remember that this kind of change is not an event but is, instead, a process that unfolds and takes time. Do it step by step, evaluate how things are going, communicate with your son and then decide how to handle the next step. If it would help, consult with a professional in your area for more personalized guidance. Best wishes and thanks for writing!

I have been divorced for a little over 2years from my childrens father. I remarried one year after divorce and my 6year old has recently been asking a lot of questions about why his "real Dad" can't live with us, and whose idea it was to get divorced. I have a very difficult time trying to keep it simple and know what to say. He asks why we are divorced, whose fault, whose idea divorce was. Why we can't learn to get along. What is the best way to approach these questions?

Thank you for writing. This is a very common area of concern for young children and it is not surprising that it surfaces after your remarriage. In this kind of situation, I advise parents to keep things simple, to be honest and to tell the truth to children. You need to give them information appropriate to their level of development. Many parents find this hard to do becuase it means introducing children to some of life's harsh realities - that being that life isn't fair, that sad things happen and that sometimes we don't understand things that imapct our lives. I advise parents to tell their children that while both mommy and daddy love them (the children) very much, that they discovered that they had problems getting along and solving problems together. Because of this, mommy and daddy decided that it would be best to divorce so that the house wasn't one in which there was alot of arguing, tension and unhappiness. It is important to reassure children that it is no one's fault - not mom's, not dad's and certainly not the children's. I encourage parents to tell children that they know that this is very hard to understand and that you are always open to talking, listening and reassuring.

My 19 year old daughter has a two and half year son. Since her separation and divorce last year she has had numerous boyfriends. My question is: What psychological effects could this have on my grandson. She is a very good mother to him and is in college. Other than all these men in their lives, I have no complaints.

I have to wonder if your letter doesn't speak more to your own feelings and perhaps moral issues with your daughter's dating behavior than anything else. There really is no solid research on the issue you ask me about so I can only answer from my experience. What I've learned as a psychologist is that when single parents have multiple relationships, they sometimes find it difficult to focus primarily on the child and put their social lives second. If a parent dates but the dating takes place around the child's needs and activities rather than asking the child to accommodate to the parent's social needs, there are usually fewer problems.

My boyfriend of 4 years recently moved into my house to live with me and my 13 year old daughter. He has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage that lasted 2 years. My problem stems from the fact that we argue over his visitation...he has his daughter 3 days a week and every other Sunday. Now that he has moved in, he has informed me that his daughter wants to start spending weekends at my house, Friday to Sunday. I only have a 2 bedroom house and besides that she is bored to death when she's there for any length of time. I have tried to compromise and be the gracious "step parent" but I dread the thought of her being there for an entire weekend. She lies, she's sneaky, she is strange to the point where you never know if she's even paying attention to you. I know that I cannot deal with a whole weekend with her since she hangs on her dad and expects to be entertained constantly. She can't play by herself and doesn't have many friends. The only kids she likes to be around are 2 year olds. Being that I am not a biological parent for this child, I keep my opinions to myself, but since this has come up, I'm afraid I can't keep quiet any longer. Frustrated

Your boyfriend's daughter is as important to him as your daughter is to you. How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that he didn't want your daughter around for an entire weekend? Here's the deal: she is a part of the "boyfriend" package. Either you accept the whole package and work with it or reject the package. Sorry, that's the way this works.
Thanks for writing.

I have been separated from my husband for 3 years now and we still have not finalized the divorce yet. We have become great friends and I do care for him deeply and vice versa. We have an eight year old daughter and she and I live together in our house. Now, her dad was a little messed up on drugs for about a year and has helped himself out and regained his life, which I am very happy for him because it was only hurting my daughter. I never degraded him and always spoke positive in front of her so she would never think that I was trying to sway her. I always felt that if she was to see his mess-ups it would be on her terms and that I would have to, unfortunately, be there to pick up the pieces. I could only shield her from so much. And now she and he are very happy to hang out now together on their weekends and days. He does love her very much and she adores him. So for about 3 years now it has been my daughter and I, wherever we go and whatever we do. She was my sidekick and still is. I did not date anyone and felt no need. I always told my ex that if I ever met anyone I would make sure that "Mr. right" would be a positive influence and someone that I would spend the rest of my life with because I did not want my daughter to see a revolving door of people. Well, I have met someone and she has been great with him. We have been dating for about 7 months now and they get along quite well or so I thought. She recently has told me that she is upset that it is now the 3 of us doing things together and when I probed for some information she basically came down to the fact that this new person is not her father and that is it. I understand completely. She is going thru and rough time adjusting to the situation. But she is now going to her dad and telling him the same thing. He now throws it in my face and now thinks that I should stop dating this person because my daughter is upset. She unfortunately has this little glimmer of hope that her father and I will get back together. I have had numerous talks with her and comforted her and guided her about the situation. It seems that her father is now pumping her for info and not supporting me the way that we had agreed upon. I do understand that as well. But now she is becoming very sassy with the new boyfriend and also saying that when we get married he will become her "step daddy" and take her dad's place. I have assured her that that very thing would not happen and that my boyfriend deserves respect no matter what because he is someone that is special to me and to her. She never had a problem before but now I think she realizes that this person is going to be more in her life than her father is physically. She has even came to me the other day saying that she is upset with me because I cleared one of my drawers in my room for him to put his things if I wash them. How do I go about helping her through this situation? Am I doing everything that I can do for her mental well being? How do I get the two of them to get along? He is very upset and doesn't know how to handle her? HELP PLEASE!

It sounds like you have a good handle on the reactions your daughter is having and on the emotional challenge to her in adjusting to the change. I'm glad that you understand her and I hope that you let her know that you recognize what she is going through and that you'd probably feel the same way if you were in her situation. What she needs now is more time to adjust, more time to see that she still is the most important part in your life and time to see that her relationship with her father also remains in good shape. I'd also suggest that you try and spend some special 1:1 time with her and do some of things with her that you did just with her before you met your boyfriend. It is not uncommon for children, when a parent remarries or gets into a new relationship, to want and need 1:1 time for many years. I know that I treasure the time I spend with my sons and doing things just with them. They love it too.

Try and tell your daughter's father that you are concerned about him "pumping" her for information and let him know that if he has questions, he can come to you. Of course, you can understand that he's concerned to know how your daughter is adjusting to the change in your life and this is understandable and normal. No matter what he does, your job is to make sure that your side of the street is "clean" to so speak. Best wishes, Nicole.

My two children, 17 and 14, live 50 miles from me. They come to my house on a normal schedule, every other weekend, etc. When they were younger the schedule was easy. Now I am seeing my children less than I would like because, as teenagers, the kids are developing lives of their own. They have social and school activities that conflict with the schedule, and because of the distance they can't simply go to soccer practice or dance rehearsal from my house. Consequently, I miss out on some visitation. My ex-wife takes no responsibilty in enforcing visitation, and says it's between me and my kids. (To add insult to injury she reduces the non-custodial time percentage in the child support calculation, so not only do I see my kids less, I pay extra for it). So, should I just resign myself to the fact the the kids are leaving the nest, or should I be more insistent about the visitation I want, and risk alienating the kids by taking them away from their lives?

Indeed, your children sound like they are well on their way to developing separate and independent lives. I've seen so many situations like yours in which parents are separated geographically and as the children become older, they are less and less willing to leave their primary location on weekends because they are involved in their own life activities. I'm afraid this is a part of parenting teens. And think about it, if you insist that your children come to your home on weekends, at their ages, when they really don't want to, are you going to have quality time? Thanks for writing.

I am in a real state of confusion/frustration. I am divorced and re-married. My wife and i have a 2 1/2 year old girl and have been married for 6 years. I also have a 9 year old daughter from the previous marriage. There have been issues in the past with my ex regarding visitation, clothing, etc.....however, during the summer months of June, July and August I have my daughter for 2 weeks each month and meet my ex halfway for the drive. (it is 3 hours one way to meet and pick up). My wife has been increasingly angry that our summers are ruined because I have to drive and pick my daughter up. She contends that we never have time alone to do things together and every weekend is ruined. I have finally been able to convince my ex to have her for 3 weeks, then gone 3 weeks, then back 3 weeks....to allow more family time. Recently, my wife gets EXTREMELY mad because my daughter lied about washing her hands, and when we went to an amusement park my daughter did not want to go on many rides because of the heat. My wife flew off the handle and refuses to let my daughter come on our next trip camping with my wifes family. She basically told me it is either OUR family going without her, or I stay home alone with her and get divorced. My daughter is very well behaved, doesn't talk back, everyone likes her....she just isn't motivated to do alot of activities. My wife does not want to feel like dragging her along or feeling like she has to constantly push her to do things. What do i do? Pick up my daughter as usual and risk the consequences, or cancel picking her up until after the trip? My daughter was looking forward to this as wel.

When you married your second wife, she tacitly agreed to become a part of your older daughter's life as well. From how you describe things, she has become territorial about the blended family that you now have and wants to create two classes of family members. This won't work and it isn't healthy for anyone. Were I in your position, I would tell your wife that it is not her responsibility to push your 9 year old to do anything and besides which, each of us is an individual and do not need to fit or conform into a predetermined mold. So long as your 9 year old is polite and so forth, it is hard to see what your current wife has to complain about. The fact that she became so angry when the child didn't wash her hands surely indicates that her anger stems from a far deeper place. I hate to say this to you, Jon, but it sounds like you are married to a selfish and territorial person who might not be able to truly play on the team. Thanks for writing.

I have a major dilemma in my life and really need advice. My 14 yr.old son has decided (yesterday on his birthday & in his dads driveway) that he wants to move in with his father. His father & I divorced 8 yrs. ago and it wasn't messy. The boy's dad has pretty much been active in our three sons lives and they visit him quite frequently. While my 14 year old wants to live with his dad, the two younger children say that they want to stay with me. The boy's dad remarried, I am remarried, the kids want for nothing. We all have good jobs, live in nice neighborhoods, so on and so on. So whats the problem? He seems happy and adjusted. He's a straight A student, in marching band, national honor society, has alot of friends (sometimes we think we are running a teen daycare). He feels that he gave me 14 yrs., he wants to give his dad his last 4 kid years before he moves out and goes to college.

It is pretty common for teenagers to want to live primarily in one home as they get older. When the teen has a good relationship with each parent, it is quite common for them to want to live with their same-sex parent. Therefore, what your 14 year old son is wanting to do really isn't at all unexpected. I can imagine that you feel hurt and angry that he wants to live with his dad. Perhaps you feel rejected. However, I urge you to remember that this is not about your feelings, it is about your son's feelings. At age 14, he certainly is developing opinions and desires of his own and you probably notice that it becomes increasingly difficult to interfere with these. As parents of teens, we have to keep a steady hand on the tiller, so to speak, but we also have to allow our children to make decisons that they can make, particularly when the decisions do not place them in harms way, even when we disagree with the decision. You've probably noticed that when you try and change what your son wants and feels, it doesn't work anyway. Since it sounds like your children's father is a good parent, this may be one of those situations in which you have to allow your son to decide what he wants and support his decision even if doing so is painful for you. In many ways, doing this is what being the parent of an adolescent is about. Best wishes to all of you.

In the near future, I will be becoming a step-dad to my fiancé's 3 year old daughter. I love both of them very much and we have lots of good times with each other as a family. My question is, that sometimes the little girl (especially the Monday after a week's visitation with her biological father) is very stand offish with me, or in some cases, she will tell her mom that she wants her daddy after being close and spending time with me. I believe that she is behaving normal for a girl her age, and is probably going though feelings of (3 year old thinking) that I'm trying to replace her dad or that I remind her of her dad, or having feelings of guilt because she loves me like a father. The divorce has been around 8 months ago. What are your opinion's on this behavior? Is there anything i can do to help? The mother does tell her daughter that it's ok to love both dad and myself.

Sounds like you are on track with regard to how to handle the situation and help this youngster. Stay the course and give her time to adjust. It is OK for her to be standoffish with you - after all you are not her parent but are, instead, the partner of her mother.

I'm now a single father raising my son. When my ex-wife and I divorced two years ago, she allowed me to have custody of our son. In return I allowed her a total of four additional days during the week. She was allowed every other weekend and one day during that week, along with two additional days during the other weeks. My concern is that my ex-wife has not exercised her visitation with my son during the weekdays in over 6 months. My son now being four is beginning to ask questions that I don't know how to answer. He is now asking to see his mommy at least two times in between the visitations he currently has with his mother, which is every other weekend. The problem is that she does not call to let me know she wants to see him. How can I explain to my son why his mommy is not calling or coming to see him? Being that he is getting older, he is realizing more things and asking more questions. I don't want to "Bad Mouth" his mommy or tell him things like "If she wanted to see you, she would have called." I don't want him to feel bad or that these lack of visitations are his fault. I think my son is beginning to think I'm stupid. When he ask why he can't see mommy, I simply tell him I don't know where she is.

Please help, I want to be honest, but not at hurting my son or giving him a complex. I love him deeply and want to give the right answer. I thank you in advance for any help you can provide.

I'm so sorry that your son has to deal with this kind of situation at such a very young age. I think that you are handling things the best way they can be handled at this point. Just be sure to let your son know that you realize that this is painful and sad for him and that you understand that he feels sad and maybe even angry. Be sure to validate his feelings - this is different than "badmouthing" his mother or adding your anger at her into the mix. Thanks for writing.

My son is 5 years old, almost 6 and has been having visitation visits with his father since he was a year old. Lately there have been times in which he has stated he didn't want to go to dad's but only a few times has it been really difficult. Yesterday was the worse in which he clung to me, his mom, and was bawling "No I don't want to go, I want my mommy". It ended up taking at least 20 minutes to get him in his dad's car and then only with his dad's new wife basically holding him down in his child seat and putting his seat belt on him. I am sure the real issue here was that he had been playing with his friends and didn't want to leave them. I need advise on how we should handle these situations. I am aware my son's desire to spend more time with his friends and less with Mom or Dad will only increase over the years. I would like to be able to start handling this correctly as early on as we can. Thank you so much for any advice you can offer.

It isn't all that uncommon for children at your son's age to experience a period of resisting the transitions between homes. Most of the time, it is a normal phase. Your role is to make it clear to your son that this is his time with his father, that this is something you and his father agree upon, that you understand that he wants to remain playing with his friends and that he can spend more time with his friends when he returns. The bottom line is that you and his father has decided that he is going with his father and that this is not negotiable. Communicate calmly and in a clear but nurturing tone. Try hard not to get angry with him, raise your voice or allow the frustration to spill into arguments with him or with his father. I would strongly suggest that your former husband's new wife stay out of it and play no role in enforcing the transitions. This is not her child and it is best that the work be done by you and the child's father. Thus, her holding him down and placing him in the car seat is inappropriate and probabably adds to his resistence and reluctance.

Hello! My daughter, age 23, is very angry. Her father and I divorced, when she was 6yrs of age. She resided out of state, with him. I had the usual holiday, and summer vacation visitations. Once she began pulling away, during her adolescence, I did not demand the visits, as she was involved with her friends, and social activities. I was always eager to see her, I just didn't want to intrude in her life. Now she has expressed to me, her feelings that I did not want to be her mother, and pushed her away. My attempts to communicate with her, have fallen on deaf ears. My adult sisters have also tried to discuss her feelings with her, and have expressed only frustration. I have not wanted to interfere, in hopes that she was just "going through a phase". It now seems that this plan has backfired. The phase has lasted approx. 4 yrs! I have tried to get her to express her specific issues, in hopes that we could work through them. I have not had any success. She lists my faults, without a desire to move forward. I am at a loss. What do you suggest?

What a very frustrating and sad situation for you. I have to imagine that there is more going on here than you've communicated or, perhaps, than you are aware of. Communication is, of course, a tricky and subtle thing and in this kind of situation, any signs of defensiveness on your part or of blaming her or her father would probably be interpreted negatively and heard very "loudly" by your daugther since she is so angry. I guess would be that no matter how hard you've tried that your daugther still does not feel that you've listened to her or really heard how she feels.

I might suggest that you sit down and write her a letter since this is a form of communication that can't lead to a real time argument or debate. The letter needs to express concern and empathy for the fact that she is in pain and that she obviously had been in pain for quite some time. While stating that you certainly did not intend to cause this kind of pain and while stating that you, in fact, tried to act so as to not interfere or intrude or demand on her life, make sure that she knows that you now recognize that she experienced you as distant, remote and uncommitted to her. Invite her to dialogue with you but let her know that the main purpose of the letter is simply to let her know that you love her, that you apologize for the pain that she experiences and that no matter what, you love her and are open to her.

It sounds to me like you are on target with this one. Give things time, allow this very young child a chance to mature and to accept what are very complex changes in the life of a little one. Best Wishes!

My son and his first wife, the mother of my 9-year-old grandson, are divorced. The mother remarried shortly after the divorce, although she has lived apart from her second husband for more than two years. My son is now married to a wonderful woman, who is the best stepmom in the world. The problem is that my grandson's mother is emotionally unstable and seems to fear that my grandson will love his stepmom more than her. His stepmom is an athletic, outdoorsy person, who loves sports, as do my son and grandson. His mother is not athletic or outdoorsy at all, so naturally my grandson enjoys doing outdoor things with his stepmom. The mother manipulates the child to try to keep him from my son and his wife as much as possible.

The thing that worries me the most is that she proudly admits that she sleeps with my grandson. I might add that he is an only child on both sides and is very mature for his age. As of late, I have noticed that he likes to pinch his stepmom and other females on the behind. While this in and of itself is not particularly bothersome to me, this coupled with the fact that he shares a bed with a lonely, emotionally unstable mother does concern me. When the sleeping arrangements were recently brought up in a custody hearing, and the mother was asked how long she planned to continue this sleeping arrangement, she proudly proclaimed that she saw nothing wrong with it and would continue as long as the child wanted to do so.

Am I overreacting, or is there a danger of real emotional damage to my grandson?

Thanks so much for writing. There is really no consensus on the sleeping issue. Indeed, it is something that varies from culture to culture. In many European cultures, the concept of a "family bed" is quite common. What is important is not the sleeping arrangement per se (although I raised my own children to sleep in their own beds) but rather the degree to which there is emotional and/or psychological enmeshment that can be reflected and reinforced in the sleeping arrangements. Children who are in such relationships with caregivers tend to display a variety of maladaptive behaviors and tend to be less emotionally healthy and independent.

I hope that this information helps you sort out what is going on. Thanks for writing and best wishes.

I'm at my wits end! My ex and I have a shared parenting plan for our daughter, although he doesn't share well. Our plan is set up based on his erratic work schedule and there are many times when he just doesn't bring her back for a week or so at a time without me ever knowing when she'll come home. This is just the beginning of the issues though. When she is at his house, he entertains her by allowing her to play "Mortal Combat" or "Tekken" which are fighting games. He has also told her that she is allowed to "kick boys in the private areas" if they pick on her and told her that she needs to learn to "fight her own fights". I am going nuts and my new husband and I don't know what to do with her anymore. When she comes home from her dad's she is out of control and it takes a few days to get her back to listening to us. But when she goes back, it happens all over again. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he is to selfish and immature to listen. What can I do about this? Is there a chance she could suffer any psychological issues from the huge difference in rules and morals?

As a parent and psychologist, I'm not in favor of having young children, or really anyone for that matter, play games such as the ones you mentioned. And whether or not these games are related to your daughter's behavior when she returns to your home is hard to know. More than likely, the conflict between the homes and your daugther having to transition over the conflict boundaries has a good deal to do with her behavior. Children can and do adjust to differences between homes so long as there is consistency and predictability in each home and in the child's knowledge of when she will be in which home. If I were to begin problem solving your situation, I'd want to start with the parenting schedule and make sure that there was as much predictability and consistency as possible. Even when one parent has an erratic work schedule, it is still important to have some sense of what the schedule is going to be...a parent should never withhold a child or have to wonder if/when a child is coming back. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Dear Dr. Simon:
I have a girlfriend/almost fiancé in Utah. She really wants to move to Texas but she has a little boy. She and her husband divorced over a year ago and she came to visit TX and fell in love with it(and me). Well my question is what is the best way for her to approach her ex husband with the question of moving to Texas and dividing up the custody of their son. I am madly in love with her as she is with me. We have been friends for several years but only dated after the divorce. Please help me with any advise on how her and her ex husband can work this out. Their son will turn 3 in a few months. Thanks for listing to me and I hope you can help!

Sincerely, Move Her!

Dear Move Her:
It seems that the best possible outcome here would be for you to move to Utah if possible. This would allow the child to maintain regular and ongoing contact with both his mother and father. In all honesty, this child is at a tender age and separating him from one of his parents, assuming that there has been quality ongoing contact with each parent since the separation/divorce, is probably a lousy idea for him.

As is so often the case in raising children, their needs come first. As is also so often true, putting their needs first can be frustrating and, at times, very painful.
Thanks for writing and best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

I'm now a single father raising my son. When my ex-wife and I divorced two years ago, she allowed me to have custody of our son. In return I allowed her a total of four additional days during the week. She was allowed every other weekend and one day during that week, along with two additional days during the other weeks. My concern is that my ex-wife has not exercised her visitation with my son during the weekdays in over 6 months. My son now being four is beginning to ask questions that I don't know how to answer. He is now asking to see his mommy at least two times in between the visitations he currently has with his mother, which is every other weekend. The problem is that she does not call to let me know she wants to see him. How can I explain to my son why his mommy is not calling or coming to see him? Being that he is getting older, he is realizing more things and asking more questions. I don't want to "Bad Mouth" his mommy or tell him things like "If she wanted to see you, she would have called." I don't want him to feel bad or that these lack of visitations are his fault. I think my son is beginning to think I'm stupid. When he asks why he can't see mommy, I simply tell him I don't know where she is. Please help, I want to be honest, but not at hurting my son or giving him a complex. I love him deeply and want to give the right answer. I thank you in advance for any help you can provide.

I want to compliment you for how careful, thoughtful and loving you are in approaching this situation for your son. It takes a lot of love and a lot of courage to avoid the very human desire to "bad mouth" a parent whose behavior causes this kind of pain.

I would advise you to do two things. First, empathize with your son about how he feels. Let him know that you recognize that he is sad or angry or hurt or whatever he feels. Make it "normal" for him to express his feelings and mirror these feelings for him in a nonjudgmental way. Believe it or not, the regular expression of his feelings and your acceptance of these feelings has a very soothing and healing impact. It won't make the realities go away and it won't make him stop hurting. It will stimulate and promote his natural resilience and ultimately help him come to his own understanding of the situation. The second thing you might do is to give him factual information, at a developmentally appropriate level and at a level of detail that is appropriate for him. Telling him that you don't know where mommy is won't make him think you are stupid...it will give him factual information and this will help him. You are giving him facts - you are not drawing conclusions for him (such as saying something akin to "she must not want to see you").

Helping your son cope is a process and not an event. No doubt you will be working with this for many years to come. Therefore, if you have any other quesitons, please feel free to write again. Best regards.

I need help desperately! Here's the story. I am divorced and have 2 children ages 15 (daughter), and 10 (son). I live in Michigan as do my children. I have a very stable job and make decent money, and am very active in my children's lives. So, here's where the problem begins. I have met and fallen in love with an old friend that happens to live 6 hours away. She has 2 children, son - 17, and daughter 14. I have asked her to marry me and she has accepted. We have looked at what options we have as to where we should live and concluded that she should move here due to many reasons. She has asked her children what they want to do....do they want to stay with their dad (who lives very close to them and with whom they have a good relationship with), or move to Michigan with us. They have both said that they want to stay with their dad and not move. We want to respect their wishes, but they seem to be VERY resentful of their mother right now because "she is leaving them". Our plan is that we would rent an apartment there, and she would drive every other weekend to visit, but both children are saying that they would be too busy to stay with her. They are saying very hurtful things to her right now and we are trying to figure out if this will last, or will they eventually accept the move. We have considered not getting married until the youngest graduates (5 years), but it sure seems like it would put a strain on our relationship to just have a "weekend relationship". I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize her relationship with her kids, but I believe that being married and living 6 hours away is not the best thing for a new marriage. The option of me moving is very slim, due to financial reasons, my children, and various other reasons. Besides, we would have the same problem with my children anyway. What should 2 people do who have separate lives and want to be together, and want to make everyone happy? We are at a loss and are getting very frustrated at the situation.

Hi Tim: Wow...this is a complex and painful situation to be sure. But, to be candid, I am not surprised by the rection of your fiancee's children and suggest that you consider their feelings as being predictable. It is easy to understand that they do not want to leave the community and friends they have established - and do remember that the peer group is paramount at their ages. Interestingly, their ambivalence and continued parental dependency is shown in their anger at feeling that their mother is abandoning them for a man and his children. While she may be willing to keep an apartment in their community so that she can spend time with them every other weekend, no doubt this is not the same to them as her being available on a regular basis to be a part of their lives.

We often see our teenagers are independent and increasingly on their own. Yet, this is a time in their lives where they need their parents as much if not more than ever. Far be it from me to advise you about what the best decision is for I do not know any of you personally. I can tell you this. However frustrating it is, when we raise children the long range view suggests that needs of the children again and again take priority over the needs and wishes of adults.

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