An Expert Answers Your Questions Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

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Dear Kim:

Thank you for writing. I hope you enjoy the column and the Real Solutions web site. Your question is one that is not uncommon. And, of course, there probably is no one correct answer since this type of issue taps into an array of issues including an individual's moral and even religious beliefs. Nevertheless, you asked for my advice.

The appropriateness of showering/bathing together depends a great deal on the comfort level of the individuals and whether it is seen as something "natural/normal" or as something exceptional. If both your son and your husband are at ease, I cannot see where their showering together is a problem at your son's current age. We all have bodies, we all must clean our bodies and doing so is a normal everyday thing. As your son becomes older, he will want more privacy. This is a natural thing and something to be respected as it begins to unfold. If his desire for privacy were to be thwarted by insensitivity to the cues he gives, this would potentially begin to cause problems because it would be a lack of respect for his separateness.

I hope that this helps. Thanks again for writing and enjoy the pleasure of parenting!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dad:

Thank you so much for writing. All that you have learned must be very difficult for you. Please know that I am not an attorney and, therefore, cannot advise you with regard to the legalities of paternity in the area you live in. To learn this, you should consult with a family law specialist in your area. Psychologically speaking, you are the child's father. You have raised him, you are bonded to one another, you feel responsible for him, he recognizes you as his father and so forth. In a fashion very similar to adoption, you do not share genetics but you share the bond of family and that is what counts when it comes to being a parent. Do not underestimate that or feel in any way diminished because you did not biologically father this child.

Insofar as telling him about the realities of his biological parentage, how often does the biological father see your son these days? Does he look like his biological father? What does your wife feel with respect to telling your son about his biological background? These are all very important factors to consider when giving such information to your son. Also, if you do decide to tell your son about these issues, do consider his age and his need to know at this time. While it may be important for him to know the truth as he grows older, is it important that he know now?

Best wishes. Please write again if I can be of any further assistance.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Mom:

You are right, this is a tough question and situation. Because I don't know the specifics of your situation, I will answer your quesiton with some general thoughts/ideas about this type of situation. It is normal and healthy for children to want to know who their parents are. Since your daughter is asking for information, she is telling you that she needs to know something. It is important that you weigh the benefit of her having the information against the possible negative outcomes of her father's activities being known. Will this cause him to distance from her? Perhaps you could consult with a child psychologist in your local area and invite your child's father to participate as well. Above all, in such situations it is vital that everyone act with the child's interests in mind as opposed to their own interests. The children are, after all, the innocents here.

Best wishes and thanks for writing!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Non-Yelling Mom:

It strikes me that after all of these years of marriage you probably realize that you can no more convince your husband not to do something he believes is right than he can convince you not to do something you think is right. Rather than try and convince him, try setting limits with him and telling him what you will and won't tolerate in terms of his behavior towards your son. Limit setting always works better than "convincing" anyway. Moreover, your son, at age 19, needs to become more responsible for himself, for his goals and for his relationship with his father. Therefore, you can also support your son's telling his father how he feels and how the yelling impacts him. Of course, it is easy to imagine that if your husband doesn't stop the yelling that your son will put a stop to it by simply not coming home as often.

Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Dr. Simon

Dear New Girlfriend:

Thank you for writing. Let me first address the question you have about the law. Since I am not an attorney, I can tell you what the law explicitly states. Also, I am in the United States and have no real familiarity with Canadian law as it applies to these issues.

Before I answer your questions about sleeping and bathing, let me make some comments about new relationships when children are a factor. I suggest that since you are new in your relationship with your boyfriend that you take a less controlling role in all of this. Remember, these are his children and these are his decisions. If you are uncomfortable with how he does things, you can let him know this and let him know why. Ultimately, you may choose not to be present if/when he sleeps or bathes with the children if you do not feel it is correct. In building new relationships with people that have children, it is essential to respect their parenting and their parental decision making rather than coming in and saying how things are/should be. This, in the long run, will make sure that your new relationship develops in a positive and healthy fashion.

As for your specific questions, what you are asking about, in essence, is the appropriateness of children sleeping and bathing with parents. What is right and wrong in this regard is something that "experts" often disagree about. It is also something that has deep cultural roots. Certainly, if a child makes statements that suggest that they are uncomfortable or if their statements make the parent uncomfortable, this can be taken as a signal that things need to change. That this child comments and observes her father's penis may or may not mean she is uncomfortable - she may just be observing and noting a difference between her body and her father's body. I, myself, feel it is best for children to learn to sleep in their own beds from an early age. If a parent chooses to sleep with a child, I think that it is best that the parent wear appropriate clothing. I also think that when a child begins to notice differences in their body from the opposite sex parent's body, that this may mean it is time to not bathe together any longer. The reason for this, by the way, is not that there is anything wrong with nudity but rather to begin teaching children about privacy and respecting one's body. Once again, I wish to point out that these ideas and values vary from family to family, culture to culture. I am just sharing my point of view. Thank you again for writing!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Peter:

I am always very concerned when I hear that someone has concluded that it is best for children to never see one of their parents again. While I realize that professionals have been consulted in your case, this does not mean that their opinion is qualified or competent. These determinations are highly complex and can only be made by a psychologist who has extensive experience in the custody area and only after the benefit of evaluating each parent and the children. It cannot be made based upon the statements of only one parent. Moreover, the beliefs of one parent about the motives of the other parent are usually so colored by their own feelings about the other parent that they lack objective reliability. Because this is such a huge decision to make, it must not be taken lightly or reached rapidly. Cases where it is truly best for children to never see a parent again are very rare. I've been doing custody related work for 15 years and can think of maybe one or two cases where this would hold true.

Thank you for writing and best wishes to you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Reader:

Your letter illustrates two very important facts about marriage, divorce and family law. First, the phrase "until death do us part" is often true, even when the marriage ends. Divorce does not stop people from conflict and argument. It takes two to argue and two the stop the cycle. Second, the truth is that family courts exist to help people solve personal problems. People don't go to family court because they have "legal" problems in the classic sense. They have personal problems. Family courts will tell people what will and won't happen but they never have and never will be able to stop people from arguments and interpersonal dysfunction.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Hi Kristi:

Thanks for writing. How lucky your son is to have a mother who is 100% behind his having a relationship with his father even though the two of you are no longer in a relationship. Insofar as court ordered visitation is concerned, such an order gives the father the right to have time with the child but it does not force him to spend time with the child. It means that if he wants to and there is an order in place, you have to allow the visitation. It does not compel him to see your son. While it is best that a child has a relationship with each parent, if the father does not want to know your son, there's not much you can do about it other than to love him, make sure he knows how you feel about him and move on with life.

Thanks again for writing.

Dr. Simon

Dear Carla:

Although your situation is complex in many ways, it is also in many ways simple. It sounds as if your child needs to know that she is loved, that she is wanted and that she is safe in her relationships. It concerns me that either you or your boyfriend would think of giving her up for adoption in favor of your relationship. Is strikes me that a man who would ask you to choose between him and your child is anything but "loyal" as you describe him. Instead, it strikes me that he is selfish and controlling and that you are dependent and willing to sacrifice too much for the relationship. It concerns me that you are afraid to tell your boyfriend that you are pregnant because he has told you that he does not want children. It concerns me that you allow your boyfriend's rejection of your daughter to cause you to think of giving her up. Simply put, is there a place for children in your relationship with him? If not, is being with him more important than being with your daughter and your unborn child? From what you say, your boyfriend is not only insecure but also controlling. These are not, in my view, qualities that tend to go along with successful relationships in the long run. Your apparent difficulty with letting him know that you and your daughter are a package deal is something I want to point out as well.

When single parents date and think about getting into relationships, there is a phrase that I think is important. This phrase is "love me, love my child". If your boyfriend can't do it, think twice about where you are going with him. But I also want you to think about what is going on inside of you that would have you even stop to think about giving your daughter up for adoption.

Thanks for writing. Best wishes to you.

Robert A. Simon

Dear Mom:

Manic Depressive Illness (Bipolar Affective Disorder) is a serious psychiatric illness, as you obviously know. The good news is that medications are very effective in minimizing symptoms. Medication along with psychotherapy shows very positive results.

You ask whether you should be concerned about this issue as it impacts custody. I cannot offer advice about your specific situation since I do not know the specifics and have not evaluated the situation myself. However, as with all issues which may limit the capacity of a parent to carry out their functions effectively and safely, if there is a question about the best interests of the child, it is important to raise the issue. Do not hear this as my saying that a parent with Manic Depressive Illness cannot be a great parent. Rather, one must look at the degree of functional impairment that results from the illness in making such a determination. To be sure, the nature of your daughter’s attachment to her father is also important to factor into a parenting plan.

Just remember, it is important that the best interests of the child rest at the center of everything you do with respect to developing a child-sharing plan. Bringing up issues such as the mental health of your child’s father, should only be done in the context of her welfare rather than as a way of playing out the hurt and pain from the marriage.

Thanks for writing and best wishes!

Dr. Simon

Dear Mom:

Thanks for writing. This could well be a normal phase that your daughter is going through. Many young children go through something similar. If you are truly concerned, perhaps a consultation with a qualified child psychologist in your area would reassure you.

Best Wishes!

Dr. Simon

Dear Frightened Mom:

No one feels good during a divorce, especially one with a lot of conflict. Since you are hiding with your son, he obviously knows that you are afraid for your own safety and he, no doubt, reacts to your fear. He probably worries about your safety when he leaves. Perhaps, part of what he is going through when you go out is worry that something bad will happen to you while you are out more than he worries that you will choose not to come home. Try talking to him on this level and see if it helps. But do know that until things settle and life begins to feel “normal” again, it will be hard for either of you to feel at your best.

Thank you for writing.

Dr. Simon

Dear Daniel:

Thank you for your letter. You ask an excellent question which illustrates a couple of important aspects of coparenting children after the breakup of the family. First, however, allow me to observe that it appears that your daughter has two concerned and involved parents. This is very much for the best.

With regard to your question, while I agree that it is not wise to tell children that they should not trust anyone, it is easy to understand how your ex-wife would have strong feelings of this nature. Having been betrayed by her own parents, part of her healing is the working through of trust. Having had her ability to trust shattered, it is normal for her to start from a point of trusting no one. Since this is her reality, she teaches your daughter from this reality. Her aim, that of preventing your daughter from being an abuse victim, is an appropriate one although she may be going about this aim in a fashion which could needlessly frighten your daughter.

Nevertheless, I encourage you not to panic and not to conclude that irreparable harm is being done to your child. Given that you and your child's mother live separately, you have the opportunity to show your daughter a different point of view with regards to trust and protection. You provide your daughter with an alternative way of understanding trust, closeness and relationships. This gives her the ability to experience something other than her mother's way of seeing things. The wisdom of the organism, even in young children, is outstanding! Do not underestimate the modulating influence that your less strident point of view may have on your daughter.

Surely, if you file for a modification of custody, the process of the litigation will create an increase in the fear and mistrust her mother experiences and will only cause emotional suffering for all of you. While you must do what you feel is best, I would suggest that prior to filing a motion for modification of custody that you speak with a child psychologist in your area and explore your concerns for your daughter. It would be wonderful if you and your ex-wife sat down with a therapist together to explore the issues as well.

Best wishes and thank you once again for writing.

Dr. Simon

Dear Dad:

Thanks so much for writing. The situation you describe is, unfortunately, an all too common one. While anger between former spouses is something most former couples struggle with, it is crucial that the child be kept clear of the conflict. When parents yell at one another, curse at one another or display their conflict in front of the child, this creates a situation of pain and trauma for the child. After all, the child loves and is attached to both parents! Yes, courts can order parents to take anger management and parenting classes. However, the truth is that taking such classes is no guarantee that more appropriate behavior will result. Indeed, how your child's mother behaves is something beyond your control. It may be best that you minimize interaction with your child's mother in whatever ways you can.

Please remember this...no matter how her mother behaves, you have the ability to choose how you behave. If you conduct yourself appropriately and if you do everything you can to avoid conflict in front of the child and to interact with your child's mother appropriately, you do your daughter a great service. As she grows, she will come to recognize that there is more than one way to deal with disagreement and to treat other people. You will offer her an alternative model. And the wonderful thing is that people usually internalize that which is the most adaptive, mature and appropriate.

Best Wishes. Thanks again for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dad:

I’m sure that the idea of your son relocating to another state is very scary for you. It would be for me! Your son is very fortunate to have two parents who have remained involved and active in his life. Many kids don’t have this happen after divorce. Surely, the one who must be the least happy about mom’s upcoming relocation is your son since no matter what happens, he experiences loss and separation.

Insofar as the primacy of the father/son relationship for an 11 year old boy, I can not direct you to any quality research that supports this assertion. While it is true that with adolescence often comes a preference for the same-sex parent in a divorce situation, this is not always the case and there are many variables that come into play. Indeed, I think it dangerous to make such presumptions a priori. Your son’s verbalized desires and wishes are of greater importance than the conclusions reached by any research project or program (assuming that they are actually his own wishes and not wishes that have been induced or coached). The task before you is to support your son in speaking with his mother about his preferences and desires, helping him deal with his anxiety about doing so and joining with his mother, if possible, to make joint decisions that are in his interests whether or not they are what you want or what she wants. Of course, if this is not possible, you have the option of filing a motion before the Court and demonstrating the unique, individual and specific situation your of your son’s life and needs. I can assure you, however, that for every research study you bring to a Judge’s attention, the other side can bring one that contradicts it. In other words, the “academic” approach is less persuasive than the careful, accurate and unbiased articulation of your son’s best interests and wishes.

Thanks for writing. Best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Troubled Grandmother:

Thanks so much for writing. Although my web page is more typically devoted to issues concerning children, families and custody issues, I am happy to try and give you some direction with your grandson.

When adolescents behave in the fashion that you describe, there is every reason to be worried and concerns. Of course, there are a number of reasons that kids behave like this and it is impossible for me to tell you what is causing your grandson's behavior. Surely, it is important to rule out the use/abuse of drugs and alcohol since changes in behavior in adolescents is often related to the use of drugs and alcohol. But even if this is the case, it is probable that your grandson's behavioral problems are embedded in family dysfunction. In other words, it is important to look at more than just your grandson, in isolation, to discover the causes and answers.

I strongly suggest that your son and daughter-in-law consult with an experienced and qualified psychologist who works with adolescent behavior problems. It is crucial that the individual they consult truly be experienced. My guess is that a highly structured, direct and no-nonsense approach to parenting this child is necessary and that he be given clear limits with the rewards and consequences clearly spelled out. This is often difficult for the parents of an out-of-control adolescent since it is usually the case that their fear of highly assertive parenting has contributed to the child's out of control behavior to begin with. To this end, remember that parents are parents, not friends. Yes, it is great when one can also be a friend to one's children. However, this has to come second to being a parent and setting limits, following up and not protecting the adolescent from the consequences of his/her inappropriate behavior.

Best wishes to you. Write again if I can be of further help.

Dr. Simon

Hi Tom:

I am not completely familiar with what is known as "attachment parenting". I am aware of it and have heard some things about it but I am not aware of all of the foundations and underpinnings of this style of parenting. It is fair to say that conventional wisdom amongst psychologists, at this time, is that privacy and respect for privacy as children develop into young adults is appropriate. I know that my oldest son desires this even though we are both male. It is hard for me to see the need for co-showering with growing children but then again, I'm not fully informed about what "attachment parenting" is all about.

I am also aware, however, that in other countries and cultures, for example the Scandinavian countries, nudity within the home is commonplace and not at all out of the ordinary. In other words, what is "normal" or "healthy" is something that is, in part, determined by prevailing norms and expectations. It could be that in your friend's home, there simply are not present the type of body privacy issues that are present in most homes in this country. Certainly, if your friend's daughter asks for privacy, it should be given.

Thank you for your question.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Grandmom:

Oh how I wish I had the secret to how to make controlling people let go of their need to control! If her former husband is motivated to be difficult for whatever reason, there is not a whole lot you can do about it. What one can do in such situations is learn to sidestep their control by living happily anyway, by not giving into their ways of controlling. Of course, your situation is one in which certain religious/spiritual beliefs and practices are at issue. Indeed, it seems to me that your daughter's boyfriend may be every bit as controlling about this issue as her former husband is. If he understands the impossibility of her dealing with her ex-husband, one wonders why his loving nature does not allow him to overcome his insistence on the Ghett. Is there something about your daughter that makes her attracted to strong-willed men?

Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Hello Howard:

I really appreciate your question and admire the positive, loving and supportive tone with which you approach these issues. One thing seems clear...and that is that no matter what, your son has two parents who love him and who support his relationship with the other parent. He obviously feels safe and secure in both homes. This bodes well for him no matter what. And obviously, you are aware of the highly negative impact of a custody battle and the impact it would have on your son.

What I hear in your letter are concerns about what is best for your son and concerns that you have about losing your son or having the depth of his attachment to you diminish. Insofar as what is best for your son, there are many factors to consider that have to do with your particular situation. Of course, the best of worlds would be that you and his mother remained in the same town but this appears not to be. I am not aware of any research that suggests that the mother-child relationship is more important or takes precedence over the father-child relationship, especially with a male child, at your son's age. To be sure, relocating is a difficult transition even in the best of circumstances and people often underestimate the complexity of the adjustment that takes place when one relocates geographically. If his mother does move and if your son goes along, it sounds like both you and your son's mother are capable of being sensitive to how he is adjusting to the move and whether or not it is working out well for him.

Insofar as his seeing another man as his "father" and your fears of loss, my experience is that while this fear is very common, it rarely comes to fruition. Yes, he may grow close to and attached to another man much like he might grow attached to and close to a woman you bring into your life. However, mother's and father's are rarely replaced in the hearts of kids. And remember, the more people who love your son, the better off he is.

I truly appreciate your letter and know that many other viewers will too. Please feel free to write again if you want more information/ideas or to give us a report of how things are going.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Mom:

Thank you for writing. What a wonderful question! It does not sound to me as if your son's behavior is sexual as much as it is related to feelings of love, attachment and emotional need. I think you can be reassured that your son's behavior is probably within developmentally normal limits given his age and the issues that are going on in your family. It is possible that he is attempting to soothe some of his own sadness and fear by trying to take care of you. Many children do respond to stress and pain by becoming caretakers. I think that what is important here is that you maintain appropriate boundaries with your son, that you pay careful attention to his worries and concerns and that you try to respond to them as best you can. Both you and your child's father want to be certain to reassure your son that you love him and that you want him to continue a close relationship with each of you. Do everything you can to keep your conflict with your child's father out of the earshot of your son. Finally, be aware of and sensitive to your level of comfort/discomfort with your son's behavior. Your discomfort with it is a signal to you that you need to take action to set better boundaries, to redirect his behavior or attend to the underlying emotional issues that drive the behavior.

I hope this helps. Thank you again for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.