An Expert Answers Your Questions Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

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Dear Dr. Simon:
        My 15 year old daughter and her stepfather (of 7 years) can't stand
each other. I will admit that my daughter pushes past the limit. She has a
problem following rules, is somewhat lazy, and can be very disrespectful. I
get into it with her quite often over her behavior and some of the stunts
she pulls.  But she is still my child and I love her no matter what.  I get
mad but I do forgive her.  Her step dad holds grudges towards her for a long
time.  He tells her he doesn't want anything to do with her. He calls her
hurtful names (as he does  to me as well) and it seems like he is always nit
picking at her about something such as loud music or  her getting off the
house phone because "HE" is the one that bought it.  He knows it will set
her off because of how  he says  it rudely to her and in return she will
smart off and  now the fight is on.  He will start swinging , destroying
what ever gets in the way.  A lot of times when I'm home he just won't speak
to her.  He will act as though she doesn't exist.  She tells me that when I
am at work he comes home and starts his crap. She has been known to lie so
without either of them knowing I placed a tape recorder and I found out that
he is rude for no reason. He stays grumpy. But he acts hunky dory to  her
younger sister. I think what hurt her the most is when his son which comes
and stays with us every summer was told he was not allowed to stay with us
this year because my daughter was a bad influence and  he didn't want him
hanging around her because she might corrupt him.  This all makes me mad
because he is the adult and no matter what happens he should quit acting as
bad as her. Don't get me wrong she has made me so mad with her disrespectful
behavior.  But I know she hurts inside and I can't help but hurt for her. He
has already shot down both of our self esteems to nothing. I love him but he
hates my daughter which is hard on me. Should I just take my kids and leave
and just get over him or should I wait it out and hope maybe it will get
better? But will it ever get better.  What do you suggest?

Stuck in the middle

Terri

Dear Terri:
        Thanks so much for your letter.  Of course, no one can tell you what
to do and I would have to imagine that your husband has information about
the situaiton you are not presenting.  However, what seems important here is
to say that while your daughter's behavior may be frustrating, acting angry
in an angry situaiton may, in fact, be one of the most reasonable ways to
act!  In families, I think it is absolutely of fundamental importance for
people to respect one another.  Respect starts with the adults and works its
way down to the children. Your husband is not respecting your daughter and,
my friend Terri, neither are you by allowing him to continue to act like
this towards him.  Yes, you are permitting this to go on and in doing this,
you are as much a part of the problem as he is.  Waiting for him to get
better makes no sense.  Exactly what is going to change him?  He will change
and you will change when you make the effort to change.  If you want to stay
in the marriage, make it clear to him that you love him and you want to stay
together but you are unhappy with things as they are and you won't stay with
things as they are.  Best wishes and good luck

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        After coming across your website I haven't really found a whole lot
of information on this subject. but all the same it is about custody and
visitation.  My sons father and I parted 4 1/2 years ago.  I have been
primary provider.  We have never officially filed for custody or visitation.
Although I am in the process of doing so just because I need some regulation
and formality in doing so.  My ex has been permitted to see our son pretty
much within reason...whenever he wants.  Sure in the past four years or so
there have been some occasions on my behalf that it just wasn't convenient,
but for the most part it has worked out.  I have always pushed for more, for
my ex to take him during the week, summer vacations.....but to no avail.  I
am in the process of going about it legally and getting the primary physical
custody, which wont be a problem.  The problem lies in our visitation.
Since my ex only wants our son on the weekends (his words exactly because he
cant do it during the week it conflicts with is work schedule)  How do I go
about enforcing that he actually take our child at the times he is supposed
to?  And does it really matter on my part if a certain night or time
schedule isn't good for me?
        The simple fact is that he doesn't want to do it any other times
then when it is convenient for him like on the weekends when he is off from
work.  Just a little more info, I also work...almost full time, even though
I am remarried, but my work schedule revolves around everyone else, and I
also have three other children.  Is there really a way I can enforce what
every other father in his shoes should want?  He loves our son, and our son
loves him very much.  I think it will only be beneficial for our son to
spend as much time with both of us as possible.  But each time I bring up
the subject all I get is a "No, I cant do it."  Is there any hope or help
available?

just curious here in pa

Dear Curious:
        Thanks for writing.  Your letter raises several points.  First, let
me address something you didn't write about but that your letter screams for
attention about.  You keep referring to your son's fater as "my ex".  Please
don't do this!  This is such a negative term. Using this type of term can't
help but communicate this negativity to your child and this hurts your
child.  Call him "my son's father" but please, don't call him "your ex."
Besides which, since his presence in your life is about your son, make the
label about your son, not about you.
        As for your question, I've really never known of a way to
micro-manage the lives of others that enforces and requires a parent to
utilize parenting time they are entitled to under a parenting agreement.
Courts won't micromanage, that's for sure nor should they.  I know you are
frustrated but the simple fact is that if your son's father won't take
advantage of more time, then he won't.  I suggest you simply accept this
fact as a reality in your life.
        Think of it this way...if you were not divorced, you'd not have a
"parenting" plan in place and your son would never transition homes.  You
would work almost full time like you do now and you'd have three other
children like you do now.  Things would be no different, really and would
you complain?  Probably not. So why are you complaining now? Probably
because you are angry with your son's father.  If that is the case, then
acknowledge it as such and focus on that problem and make your focus your
anger, not trying to force him to use his parenting time since you can't do
that anyway.
        Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a seven year old daughter is so very smart and sensitive.  I
have to share a joint custody with her father who I believe is bipolar.  He
is very difficult person to deal with.  I was hopping that after he got his
way and had 50/50 custody he would not be so difficult.  He is a very
verbally  abusive person. He often cuts our daughter down with comments like
your not good at that, or your just like your mother.  Our daughter was
going to a therapist however our therapist told me that by her coming to see
her it is putting more stress on our daughter.  Her father does not believe
in therapy. So as of right now we have stopped seeing her to therapy until
maybe summer.  Her grades have suffered a little bit in school because dad
will not do his share in her education. I can not talk to this man. I have
so much anger and hurt in me that I cant seem to  let it go.
        I feel that the courts, law enforcement and lawyers are not fair.
Is there anything I can do to make my daughters life happier at her dads.
She does not trust him and is afraid of him.  I cant even talk to her when
she is over there nor can she call me.  Her father is very controlling.  The
court order does state that our daughter can call any parent whenever.  I
need help on letting this anger go.  I feel like I was so wronged in the
court system and that everyone pushes for a 50/50 custody regardless of the
parents.

Dear Mom:
        You do have a very difficult situation to be sure.  And while I
would like to tell you that there is an easy way to solve the problem and to
let go of the anger, there really is not. I'm sorry to tell you that.  I
will ask you this...have you gone to see your own therapist?
        The court system is not a good place for people to go to solve their
personal problems and this is, indeed, a personal problem.  If I take what
you say at face value, you are dealing with a man who has a "high conflict"
personality.  The court system cannot change this.  You elected to have a
child with this man and now you're living with the outcome of that choice.
That, my friend, is a life reality - we live with the consequences and
outcome of our life choices.  Sure your daughter suffers but if you were
still married to his man, would things be any different? Would he not berate
her the way you describe in this letter?
        Your job is to make sure you are the best mother you can be during
your parenting time. Your job is to make sure she understand what and who
she is, and that you focus on this while she is with you - not on all of the
"bad stuff" that takes place in her father's home. You cannot "undo" what
takes place there - you can do the best you can do while she is in your home
so do that.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dr. Simon,
    My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 4 years now; just recently
our youngest daughter was DX: ADHD her doctor put her on Ritalin, my ex is
now having a fit because I did not obtain his permission before medicating
her, I feel it was in the best interest of my child what should I do? She
will be starting behavioral counseling within the next week. I just want to
know if I am doing the right thing.

Thank-You,

Christel

Dear Christel:
        It has been my experience over the years that issues of medical
decision making tend to be fertile ground for co-parental conflict when such
decisions are made by one parent absent the input of the other parent.  I've
seen parents object to the decision of the other parent simply because it
was made without their input - not necessarily because it was a bad
decision.  Certainly, I would advise parents such as yourself to discuss
important medical decisions with the other parent before unilaterally making
such large decisions.  It seems to me that placing a child on a powerful
stimulant medication such as Ritalin is a huge decision - one not to be
taken lightly.  While it may in fact be medically indicated and necessary to
have your child on medication, might I suggest that you apologize to your
former husband for having made the decision unilaterally and offer to
discuss it with him together with your child's physician?  That would be a
good place to re-start the decision making process.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have four children.  Two from a previous marriage, and two from my
current husband.  My first husband and his family, have no involvement in
our children's lives.  My current husband has been raising them since they
were 2 and 4.  Now they are 10 and 12.  
My 10 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, and behaviorally has
been a real challenge to us.  My problem is complex.  I have another son,
(from my current husband) who is aged 6.  The two boys fight constantly.
Now I am having a real problem with my husband making a difference between
the two boys.  He favors his son over my son in disputes, and when I have
brought this up to him, he completely denies it.  I know that I am not
crazy.  He not only favors him in disputes, he plays with his son, and is
affectionate in a way he is not with my son. My son has been with him since
he was two, and thinks of him as his father.   
        I feel like a terrible mother, because I can't control the situation
that is happening.  I would leave if it seemed for the best, however, it
would be bad for the other kids, which really have no problems with my
husband.  Not to mention, there would be a huge custody battle over the two
I share with my current husband, and he and his family would stop at nothing
to take them from me.  
I feel really stuck, and unsure of how to help my son.


Dear Mom:
        Words mean so much and I want you to listen carefully to your words.
You refer to the son you have with your husband as "his son" and the son you
had from your former marriage as "my son."  I know, you want to argue that
you've done this to make writing and communicating easier but I want you
think more clearly.  I'm concerned that there is an unacknowledged division
between you and your husband and one that you, too, contribute you.  Could
this be part of the roadblock?
        If ever there were an indication for some couples therapy and some
family therapy, certainly this is it.  You want your husband to know what
you observe and how you feel and you want him to acknowledge your feelings,
something you believe he is having a hard time doing.  No doubt there are
things he wants to get through to you that you are having a hard time taking
in.  I also want to encourage you to engage these two boys together in the
context of family therapy.  I have a sneaking suspicion that they are
enacting the rift dynamic between you and your husband.  And remember,
blended families are never a single unit.  They are a bringing together of
multiple family units into yet another unit with all of the family units
co-existing and functioning in an interdependent fashion.  Therefore, it is
reasonable to expect occasional struggles between components of the larger
blended family unit.
        Best wishes and thank you for writing.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have an 11 year old step son that lives with his father and I.
Tyler plays hockey and has been doing so for 6 years. The issue is Tyler's
mother is reluctant to bring him to practices and games during her
parenting time. She states that "it interrupts" her time with her son. My
husband has brought this issue to a judge in family court and the judge
ruled in favor of the mother. The judge stated "it is important that the
child and mother spend quality time together."  Now added to that, Tyler
does not like spending the required time at his mother's house as it is.
Now, not only does he not get to play hockey during his mother's weekends,
he is forced to spend time with her even thought he does not want to. Where
are Tyler's rights? 


Dear Stepmom:
        The issue of the child's rights varies from jurisdiction to
jurisdiction and I can't comment on that because I don't know where you are
and because I'm not an attorney. Moreover, I always get concerned when
parents (and step-parents)invoke the issue of children's rights when
children aren't being abused.  This is because such statements typically
correspond to the presence of power battles between the child's two homes -
battles that inevitably harm the child no matter what the outcome of the
battle.
        Typically, it is my experience that courts do not like to
micromanage what goes on in families and in their homes. As such, they don't
tend to give orders that a parent has to take a child to practice or to
games or the like.  Courts tend to leave it up to each parent to do what
they think is best for the child, again so long as abuse isn't taking place
(and what you describe certainly is not abuse).  The issue here is for Tyler
to learn to speak up for himself and let his mother know his needs, desires
and wants.  This is the best way to intervene and solve the problem.
Certainly, if a child wants to play a sport such as hockey and parent
refuses to allow the child to participate, that parent-child relationship
suffers and while that is sad, the simple truth in life is that some
parent-child relationships are healthier than others.  My suggestion is that
your husband speak with Tyler in a straightforward and educational fashion
and attempt to give him ways of letting his mother know how he feels
(without your husband making his own feelings a part of the agenda).  Trust
me, no judge or court can solve this kind of problem to your satisfaction -
all they can do is further the power struggle since it will result in one
parent "winning" and the other "losing" and as such, the child suffers.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Your site has some great questions and answers and I am surprised I
didn't find another person with my dilemma. I've been with my fiancee for 2
years and he has two small children 3 and 4 with his ex. He comes from a
VERY, VERY child-centered family and his mother calls him 3-5 times a day.
My problem is that when he travels to see the kids in another state, he
spends the night at his ex's house in an extra room (we can easily afford a
hotel).  I have been very clear that I find this sleeping arrangement
unacceptable, yet he continues to "get too tired" to make hotel
arrangements.  When I confront him (yet again!), he claims I am trying to
ruin his time with his children and that because the kids ask him to sleep
at Mommy's house, he is obligated. He also claims that his mother would be
"upset" if he stayed at a hotel instead of staying with the kids.  My
fiancee also refuses to cease calling his ex by her pet name because it will
potentially "upset" her and thus hurt his relationship to the kids. I've
told him I find the pet names inappropriate as well, and again he has
accused me of trying to ruin his relationship with his kids. 
        This past summer he went on a 10 day vacation with his ex, the kids,
and his parents (who want him to reunite with the ex) to the beach. They all
stayed in the same hotel room. I was asked to stay at home because it would
upset his ex. He has asked me to marry him numerous times, but with the
caveat that he can't wear a ring around the ex because it could lead to
problems with his relationship with the kids. I want to be supportive, but
I'm at my wit's end and I feel very betrayed. Conversely, I'm worried that
maybe he is right and I am asking for something that would hurt the kids,
who are both very sweet. Of course its good for children to see divorced
parents getting along, but why do they need to sleep in the same house?
        I feel as though there is a clear lack of boundaries between my
fiancee and his ex and my fiancee and his mother.  When the kids stay with
us, I am forced to sleep in the guest room because he enjoys the "special
occasions" of sleeping with his 4 year old daughter. Again, I have expressed
my feelings of displacement and lack of boundaries only to be met with more
of the aforementioned accusations. I'm worried about having children with a
man who can't draw the line - and I'm worried that maybe I'm the one who
doesn't understand how to sacrifice for the sake of kids. How can I get my
bearings?
Thank you


Dear Frustrated Fiancee:
        I have to admit that the facts, as you represent them in your
letter, strike me as a bit odd as well but let me be more specific.  While
it is common for divorced parents to not get along well and while it is
unusual for them to be friendly enough to be able to stay in one another's
homes or to vacation together, let's take the high road here and compliment
your fiancee and his former wife on their civility and their ability to turn
their marriage into a friendship for the sake of the children they both
love.  With me so far?  Good.  Now, rather than telling your fiancee what is
appropriate or inappropriate, why not tell him that something worries you,
angers you or frightens you.  When is the last time you wanted to be told by
your significant other that you were not "appropriate?".  Ok. Now hang in
there.  
        Here's what sounds worrisome to me - the fact that if you marry him
he can't wear a ring because it will potentially upset his former wife.
This makes no sense and suggests that this former couple has not yet fully
emotionally separated from one another.  From my point of view, this is the
greatest threat to your being able to establish a happy and healthy
relationship with this man.  So now before you get too involved in blaming
him for this dilemma, ask your self why you continue to tolerate this odd
situation because this, my friend, is what you bring to the table in terms
of the circumstance you find yourself in.  
        So, bottom line...know your limits, know what you will and won't
tolerate in the relationship, enunciate this to him clearly and in a positive
fashion and be ready to act in accordance with what you feel is and is not
OK to have in your life.
        Thanks for writing, good luck and best wishes.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I do not know how to handle this situation and hope you can help. My
son was in a relationship for a year with a woman who has a 2 year old son.
They were living together and engaged but recently he moved out because she
needed some time to think about things. She had just came out of a
relationship when she meet my son and he moved in very shortly with her. I
became very involved with this child and could not love him any more then if
he was my own. I have taken him on vacations and seen him 4-5 times a week
plus watched him a lot for them. I feel that they will not be getting back
together and I would liked to know if I should stay involved in this child's
life or bow out gracefully if they do not get back together. I only have the
child's best interest at heart and it is killing me not seeing him. Any help
with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Writer:    
        Thank you for your very interesting and provocative question.  It
isn't an easy one to answer because there are so many facets to it.  Let me
stay first and foremost that your heart is in the right place if you are
emphasizing the best interests of the child.  Children always benefit from
having more love and more people in their lives who love them and nurture
them.  However, you also need to think about the complexities created if you
continue in this child's life.  Does his mother welcome you?  Are you in
contact with his mother and what are her feelings? Would staying in the
child's life cause tension between you and your son?  Are you willing to
make a truly long-term commitment to this child no matter what happens in
your own son's life?  How long have you known the child and how old is he
now?  These are some of the questions to ask yourself in deciding what you
believe is best for the child.  I understand that you hurt because you don't
see him right now and I empathize with that.  However, your pain and hurt
isn't the issue as you know. What matters is what is best for the child.
Think about the questions I've posed and take it from there.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am very upset with my Ex-husband.  He let my now 17 year old
daughter move in with him in another state 3 years ago.  I was very against
the idea and it turned my world upside down.  She has no rules and at 17 has
even been caught spending the night with a boy. Her dad has no idea where
she is most of the time. Now that my youngest daughter is 14 she thinks she
can do the same thing.  I have done everything for my children to try to
make them happy, but he has money to blow and he does. He can buy what ever
he wants for them, no questions asked.  I know money does not make you
happy, but when you are a teenager and can have everything you want handed
to you, it's hard to compete with that.  We moved out of state for my
husbands job, we moved when my girls were very young and I thought it was a
great opportunity for them to get away from the small town, but my family
and their dad's family all live in this small town.  My girls have no idea
why we divorced, they were only told we couldn't get along.  In reality he
cheated on my, did drugs among many other things.  I did not want my
children growing up around drugs.  I can only think that if my youngest want
to move back, I will leave my husband and move back to my home town.  I
cannot live without my children and I am missing out on the best times, high
school, all the dances and athletic events.  I don't know how I would do it
on my own, I live in a large metro-plex area and jobs pay very well here.  I
don't think I can find a job making what I do and I don't know how I would
support us.  I don't received child support since my oldest daughter moved
in with him.  The money he is spending is his grandmothers, she lives with
him and they have a nurse 24/7 to takes care of her.  She has no clue he is
spending her money.  If she knew what was going on, she would be very upset.
Please give me advise what to do.  I do not have anyone to talk to.
        
Dear Mom:
        I think there are two very different issues here.  One is whether
your daughters are in a safe and appropriate environment in their father's
home.  You seem to feel that they are not but of course, I have no way of
assessing whether they are or are not.  The second issue is what strikes me
most about your letter.  That issue is your focus on your emotions and
feelings about your daughters being away from you.  While I know this is
hard for you, parenting isn't about your feelings, it is about your children
and their feelings.  That is is hard for you, mom, is sad but that is no
reason for them to be with you and to live with you.  Your missing out on
"the best times" is not the point.  So please work harder to separate your
feelings from what is going on for them.  Then you'll be in a better place
to know what to do.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.