An Expert Answers Your Questions

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Robert Simon, Ph.D.

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Question for Dr. Simon
Co-Sleeping
Whining 5 Year Old
Question
Fear For Marriage
Serious Issue
Frustrated
Son's Father's House Filthy
Effect of 50-50 on children - Texas
X Won't Allow Children To Talk To Me
New Girlfriend Sleeping At Daddy's
X Won't Allow Children To Talk To Me
Question about PAS
Can You Help Us?
50/50 Split

Scared of Abandonment Charges
Need Your Help
Thinking of Washing My Hands

4½ Year Old Doesn't Want To Go To Dad's
Stepchild
Concerned Mom
Spanked by Step-Mom

Court Drama Syndrome
Conflicted
Stepchild
Supervised Visitation
How To Tell My Daughter She Has No Dad
17 Year Old Living With Father

16 Year Old Wants To End Visitation
Jealous Step-Daughter
Malicious Mother Syndrome
Daughter's Real Father

Distance Of Homes
Help With Noncustodial Parent
20 Month Old & Out of State Visits

Custody Issues

Stepdaughter Driving Me Crazy
Can You Help?
Missed Visitation
Meeting Boyfriend's Kids
Visitation

Stepdaughter Very Clingey
Need Help With 2 Year Old
Decision Too Hard for 7 Year Old?
Question Regarding Visitation

Dating With Children
Parenting/Divorce Question
When To Tell My Son?
Dad Sleeping With 11 Year Old Daughter
Question
Child With Autism
Regarding Court Case
Can You Help?
Daughter Doesn't Want To See Father
Question about ADD
Shadow Boxing

Family Counseling
Visitation For Newborn
Custody of Child With ADHD
Confused Children
Visitation

Sleeping Arrangements
Visitation
15 Year Old Son Wants To Live With Father
12 Year Old Shares Room With Mother
Worried Mom

Out of State Visits
Soon To Be Blended Family
Stepfather
It's Not OK

Lack of Visitation
Building A Parenting Plan With Conflicts Schedules
Hello
Teens Co-Sleeping With Mom

Mother-Son Relationship
Ex-Husband & Girlfriend Sleeping With Children
Time With Parent
Adopted Mother
Haven't Seen Son In 8 Years

I'm Beside Myself

Defiant Stepchild
Teenage Son
Step-mom Needs Help With 11 Yr. Old

3 Year Old
When Is It Too Soon?
Disciplining A Teen
Confused
Can You Help Us?

Custody Evaluation
Child Cannot Call Me "Mommy"
Ex Already Has Relationship
Week Long Visits
14 Year Old Doesn't Understand Child Support
My 4 Year Old Is Acting Out
Letting Go
Divorce Splits Children
Effects of Divorce on Counseling

What's Best for the Children?
Blended Relationship
Boyfriends Spending the Night?
Family Reintroduction
Right Choice For My Son
Son Doesn't Want to Visit
Bipolar Father

 Dear Dr. Simon:
        Can you help?  My daughter is 9 and her father and I have been
divorced since she was 4. I have been in a relationship with my current
husband for 3 years, but we have been married for almost 2. My husband is in
the Navy and we have been relocated. Onlt an hour from my ex and he is being
a real jerk. He never meets me half way like it says in the divorce papers,
told me he was going to take me to court if my daughter wasnt in private
school (which I cant afford here), and only calls every now and again. He
has every other weekend visitation and only sees her a little bit of the
time.  He mostly leaves her with my mother or his new wife and her daughter.
I like the stepmom and the step sister is close with all of us. I dont mind
that but I do mind the fact he doesnt spend time with her. She doesnt
understand why hes too busy all the time. I havnt had a child support raise
ever. I know that he has a different job and he poor mouths a lot. But he
owns a new car, a house and land and a property that he gets rent on. He
says that if I take him to court for more then I will get less because he
makes less, and he makes most of his money under the table. (he is an auto
mechanic) I know that he has at LEAST 10,000 in tools and equipment. I dont
know if any of that counts or is it just income!?? 
 Please help me. I stay awake at night worrying about what he can do to make
me miserable. 


Stacey


Dear Stacey:
        So what exactly is your problem here?  That he causes you to stay
awake at night wondering how he is going to make you miserable?  After
saying so many things about what is going on between your child's father and
your daughter, you come to the place where your real concern is YOU.  Well,
the truth is that while I understand that you may be unhappy, co-parenting
and parenting is not about parents, it is about children.  I would imagine
if you tried to discuss with him your concerns about your child rather than
your concerns about money, about how he is not "fair" with you and about how
he isn't being honest about his income that you might find he is much more
willing to listen and work together with you.  Sure, I understand that he's
no angel and that he brings his share of communication problems to the
table. But you can only change things about you, not about him.  So try,
just try, to focus on your worries about your child and not on how he treats
you.  Try disconnecting from the way in which he makes you miserable since,
in reality, the fact that you let him get to you in this way is really up to
you.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now, he has a 4 year
old son and I have 3 daughters 8,9,17.  My boyfriend is currently in a
bitter custody battle.  When he divorced his ex some 3 1/2  years ago he was
given a very restrictive custody arrangement; 6 hours weekly and 4 hours
every other Saturday.  The ex wife never held him to this restrictive
custody order until he moved in with me and my 3 daughters and his son cried
and threw temper tantrums because he did not want to go home with his
mother.
        In December the ex started seeing a therapist, (she says regarding
problems she was having with the child).  In March/April the therapist
decided she needed to also treat the child.  In July all visitation was
taken away from my boyfriend because the therapist reported to social
services that the boy told her that his father was sexual abusing him.  To
make a long story short the allegations were all UNFOUNDED by social
services, however the therapist now says that all visitation should be
supervised because the child has separation anxiety. My boyfriend has not
seen his son for 3 months and now he is going to have to pay someone to
supervise his visitation with him.


 I have 3 questions.  When it comes time to go to court wouldn't the
therapist's testimony on behalf of the child be a conflict of interest
because she was at first and still is treating the mother, I don't see how
this could be fair to the father.  Secondly, don't most children go through
some form of separation anxiety (being left at day-care, going to school).
        Lastly, when the father asked the therapist if his son has been
taken to a doctor to see if there was any evidence of sexual abuse she told
him yes but did not know any of the results because it did not affect her
case or treatment regarding the child, this does not make any sense to
either of us, wouldn't a therapist want to know these results?  What if
there was no evidence of abuse and the child has been coached to lie?  Or if
the exam did show abuse wouldn't they want to find out who the abuser was?


Hello:
        The fact pattern you present is filled with various problems from my
point of view.  Most important amongst them is that ethics require that a
mental health professional refrain from making any kind of custody or child
sharing recommendaitons without having met and fully evaluated all parties
to the dispute.  For a professional to make recommendaitons without having
formed an independent and unbiased clinical opinion of each of the parties
involved breaches ethics and strongly suggests a conflict of interest on the
part of the professional.  Moreover, those involved in treatment as
therapists are wise to avoid making any such recommendaitons in the fisrt
place.  When a therapist does so, he/she is confusing his/her role and is
also riskiing the privacy of his/her clients and medical records. I've seen
cases where a therapist foolishly wrote letters to the Court making
suggestions/recommendations regarding child sharing/custody that resulted in
the parent who was seeing the therapist being forced to open up his/her
complete record of treatment.  Also, in a case of disputed custody, it is
usually not wise for a therapist to treat one of the parents and the child.
If a child in a disputed custody situaiton needs treatment, they need
someone who is truly neutral, who is just there for them and who is not
potentially biased by the therapists work with the other parent.  I hope
this information helps. Thanks for your letter.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dr. Simon:
        I am about to marry someone who has an 11 year old daughter.  He has
never been married before and she has unfortunately been raised primarily by
grandparents because of how young he was when she was born.  When his 11
year old daughter stays in the house we bought together she has to sleep
with him.  This is also something she stills does when she stays at his
mothers house and her mom's house.  It is a practice his mother swears by
and states should be done until the child is comfortable (he states he
shared the same bed as his mother until he was 12).  Her other grandparents
and mother are not comfortable with this sleeping arrangement and try to
make her comfortable in her own room and bed and her only response is she no
longer feels comfortable or wants to stay with them.  I personally do not
agree with this practice at all.  My biggest concern is that I am about to
marry this person but when his daughter who is a wonderful, intelligent
person stays with us, he has to share a bed with her.  I have told him that
I do not feel comfortable with this for two reasons, 1, we are about to be
married and have lived together for a year and thinks he should be sharing a
bed with me, 2, he has a pre-adoloescant daughter that he is sleeping with.
When is it too old to be sharing a bed with your parents (mother or father)?
His argument is that this was how he was raised and it is fine, and that
because of her situation he needs to do whatever it makes her feel
comfortable.  I see this as a very big issue in our relationship and I am at
the point when I see them sharing a bed it disgusts me.  I am not
necessarily looking for guidance but I am trying to find the "experts" that
his mother talks so highly of that states it is okay or a good thing for a
parent to share a bed with their child into the teenage years is a good
thing or information that has some guidance for me.
 
Thank you,
Anne


Dear Anne:
        I am not an expert on the issue of co-sleeping.  However, I do know
that it is something that is, in fact, quite normal in many cultures. Thus,
acceptace of co-sleeping seems to be culturally related more than it is
related to any clear sense of what is developmentally right or wrong for
children.  Typically, children who co-sleep with parents come to a point in
their lives, typically in early adolescence, where they feel a desire for
separateness and privacy - thus they initiate a change in the sleeping
arrangements.  Perhaps this child is not yet at this developmental phase in
her life.
        Whether or not co-sleep is or is not ultimately a good thing or not
a good thing, it is also important to respect that fact that you are not
comfortable with it and feel awkward about it.  This, now, becomes an
important communicaiton issue for you and your fiancee - one in which your
ability to work together to solve problems in a mutual and non-competitive
manner is important.  I would highly suggest that you approach this dialogue
from him from a perspective of your feelings and your point of view rather
than from the perspective of what is right or wrong, good or bad.  
        I hope this helps!  Best wishes.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Recently my daughter began seeing her father under court ordered
supervised visitation.  My daughter is 6 and for the last 4 years has been
raised by myself and husband.  Her biological father started wanting a role
in her life.  My daughter has only had one full visit with him, which seemed
to go ok.  The last visit we attempted she would not go and see him at all!
The supervisors are very nice and calm.  They always let her know that she
does not have to do anything she does not want to do.  She comes home crying
to my husband, whom she calls "dad" for the last 4 years.  I was shocked to
hear her ask sobbingly, "Daddy, why can't you just adopt me and be my only
dad?"  I feel stuck, my attorney is of no help, and I don't know if there is
anything I can do, being that she is only 6.  Do you have any advice?
 
Thank you    
 
Dear Mom:
        I know it must be very alarming to see yoru daugther be so emotional
about these visits.  She is young and this is a huge change for her.  She
may also pick up on some of your anxiety about the visits as well. Children
often do this.  I suggest a couple of things.  One, give this a bit more
time.  Allow the visits to become more a part of her routine and allow her
to adjust to the change.  Try not to put too much emphasis on her reactions
to the early visits and try hard not to allow your emotions to become
stirred too much by hers. Second, be sure that when you talk with her about
the visits and when you get ready for them that you are matter of fact,
businesslike and low-key with regard to your emotions and your reactions.  I
know that this is hard but it is really important because children,
especially young children, play off our emotions - even subtle ones.
        Best wishes. Be patient and give things time before you decide that
something is terribly wrong.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am a divorced mother of a 5 year old girl. Her father lives 45
minutes away and sees her only when it is convenient for him.  About 3
months ago, I met a guy and have since fallen hard for him, but my daughter
is not so happy. She gets excited when I tell her we are going to see him
and his 7 year old son, but then acts up once we are there. She is in
kindergarten and is doing well but is having issues such as refusing to have
her picture taken on picture day, she is not listening at home and cries
every time I ask her to do something. Our routine has not changed during the
week, and we only see my boyfriend on the weekends. I have tried talking to
her, I have tried taking away privileges and toys, and even time out. I am
becoming very stressed and losing my patience. I know that she is not
intentionally trying to upset me, I am happy in a relationship for the first
time in 3 years (since the divorce), and my boyfriend treats us both like
gold. We include her in all activities and I stress to her that I love her
and that nothing will change that. I need advice on how to help her accept
the changes that are taking place in our lives. I am running out of options
and feel like I am failing as a parent. Please help!!


Dear Mom:
        Give your little girl a lot more time to adjust. Remember, you've
introduced something HUGE into her life without her permission. She is used
to it being just the two of you and suddenly, that has changed.  She needs
more time to adjust and make sense of the change.  Remember, too, that this
little girl with her young emotions is having to simultaneously deal with
her father being less present while a new man is being more present. No
doubt even at her young age she senses that your energies are not only for
her these days and that probably is hard for her. I know it is hard but keep
her as your primary focus. It is no use to get mad at her because she is
acting like a five year old and frustrating your romance. That will only
result in her becoming even more upset.  If your daugther is having trouble
adjusting, that may be a message to you that you are moving too fast into
your new relationship for HER well being.  And since she is your child and
she is your first priority, it is your job to listen to that and respond
accordingly.  I hope this helps. Thanks much for writing.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My husband and I moved to separate residences three years ago and
have co-parented our adopted son with a 4-3 split. Over the past two years
my son's father has become less and less involved with my son's daily
routine and has little knowledge about his activities. He has become much
like a disneyland dad on the weekends and is a playmate much more than a
father with no real discipline. Earlier this summer we had decided that our
son, who started 7th grade this fall, would remain with me, I'm a long term
educator, during the entire school week, M-F, and  I would also have him on
at least one weekend a month. My husband since has filed for divorce and
wants a 50/50 split which I oppose for several reasons including my
husband's nightly meeting schedule of 2-3 times a week, his no discipline
attitude, is not process oriented and not consistent,etc.  He's a great guy
in many respects but has never been able to accept or understand our son
being challenged with ADD and has even plagarized his homework assignments
this last year and then wanted me to cover with my son's teachers that he
didn't know he could do that.  My son's teachers could always tell when his
father had him overnight/weekend as my son would fall behind at school or
become disoriented and I would receive a phone call. I am hoping that
perhaps you have a suggestion as I've suggested every other weekend with a
dinner during the week during the school year and then additional time
during the summer working around my son's ADD camp/summer school needs.
Thank you.


Dear Mom:
        It sure sounds to me like there is a real power struggle unfolding
between you and your husband here.  My experience is that whenever there is
a power struggle, the real needs and essential well being of children
becomes lost and that the desire of each parent to prevail in the struggle
is the main agenda.  Unfortunately, parents often remain unaware of this and
often truly believe they are primarily focused on the child - often they
maintain this even when a gaggle of experts point out to them that this
simply isn't going on!  Bottom line..the conflict between you and your
husband is the greatest source of risk to your son.  Rather than battling
this out between you or, even worse, battling it out in court, I strongly
suggest that the two of you select a neutral third party who can meet each
of you, meet your son and help you, collaboratively, come to an arrangement
that benefits everyone.  This work can be done in a context that has nothing
to do with power, has nothing to do with winning and losing.  Certainly, I
cannot offer you a suggested parenting plan in the absence of knowing your
family, who you are and what your needs are.  There is no "magic formula" to
any parenting plan, mom.  There simply isn't.  The "magic", if there is such
a thing, is the simple decision and heart felt desire on the part of parents
to get along, to collaborate, to solve problems respectfully and to choose
not to battle with one another because they know that this ultimately is the
most loving thing they can do for their children.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
       
        My husband gets along well with is ex. (they have 2 kids)  I have
none.  He has visitation twice a week. I usually attend the children's
school events without a problem.  Everyone gets along fine but recently
something happened.  Yesterday there was an event at school.  I didn't go
because I figured it's their "designated" day together and they would have
dinner afterwards.  After the event he took them out to dinner.  
        When my husband got home, I asked how everything went and where they
ate (usual conversation) he offered the information and just out of
curiosity (because of the weird tone in his voice) I asked who went..... He
took his kids and his ex.  I thought it was odd - for one thing the event
was about 2 miles from her house.  The look on my face must have shocked him
because he added quickly, her husband was away and she wasn't cooking. Now,
I have to say, this doesn't seem right to me.  I want us all to get along
and believe me I see his ex more than I see some people in my own
family...but why take her to dinner? What do you think?


Thank you 


Dear Stepmom:


        Sounds to me like your husband and his former wife have a super
co-parenting relationship - one that serves the kids well and one that many
other parents would be wise to take an example from.  I think it is
wonderful that they are comfortable having dinner together with the
children.  While they may no longer be married, they do have children
together and they always will.  This is something that will always bind them
and that only they share. The fact that they are able to be civil and
cordial and share a meal with the children sets such a good example for them
about conlfict and problem solving and so forth.  So you ask why take her to
dinner?  I ask why not!  She is the children's mother for goodness sake!


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr Simon:
        My ex wife and I have a fifteen year old son - she has custody and
there is no regular visitation schedule; he just comes here when he feels
like it (they live an hour away).  Recently, he wants to come here less and
less, and I understand that part of it is his age and that he's more
interested in his peer relationships.  But my concern is that my ex is
sabotaging my relationship with him.  She discusses maintenance issues with
him (both inappropriate and inaccurate), and following the recent closure of
her business, my son told me that she cannot do anything now because, "she
spent the last fifteen years raising me [him] and taking care of you [me]."
When he said this to me, it was clear that he was repeating what she had
told him.  This is an unfair representation of the facts and I discussed it
with him.  The last time he came here (a couple of weekends ago), he was
very withdrawn in the car, but over the weekend became animated and
interactive.  Then, in the car on the way back, he began again to withdraw.
I am convinced that his mother is speaking negatively about me, but I cannot
defend what I don't know.  I wish he would confront me about any concerns,
but am aware that at fifteen, he lacks the maturity/confidence to do so.
How do I deal with the fact that my son seems to be turning away from me,
very likely under the influence of his mother's bitterness?


Thank you


Richard


Dear Richard:
        Wow...you are presenting a complex situaiton and you are asking some
great quesitons. First, allow me to complement you on your apparent
tolerance and wisdom. The fact that you are able to understand that your 15
year old son's life is rooted more and more in his peer relationships is
wonderful.  That you don't take this as a rejection of you is so important
and so very loving of him.  
        I understand how you reach the conclusions you reach about why your
son says what he says and where he gets his information. I strongly suggest
you resist the temptation to jump to conclusions. I suggest this for two
reasons. First, you don't really know for sure how he reached his
conclusions.  Sometimes teenagers reach conclusions, on their own, that
sound surprisingly like a parent's own conclusion. But even if he is
mirroring his mother, your getting angry about what his mother is saying
will not help you support your son nor will it help you help him sort things
out for himself.  
        The next time he raises a subject such as he raised when you were
last together, this gives you a chance to ask him what he thinks and feels
and to tell him that you are open to discussing anything with him honestly
and candidly.  In doing this, don't be negative about his mother. Be
descriptive and factual.  Don't worry about "fairness" because there is
nothing "fair" about this to kids.  Since you believe that his mother
speaking negatively about you is not a good thing, just be sure not to
repeat the mistake. Being factual will present your son with a refreshingly
new perspective and may even help show him that he can trust you emotionally
with his confusion and difficulties.
        Best wishes. Thanks for writing.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon : 
    I have read some of your other views and some of your advise, now I need
some just for me. My husband and I have been together for nearly 3 years and
been married for nearly 2, he has a 31/2 year old son from a previous
marriage and I am currently expecting my first with him. We don't see eye to
eye when his child his with us. He tends to let things just slip by when
they should be addressed and he says that I am too strict. To my
understanding that is why we are parents is to tell our children no and to
teach them right/wrong. I fear for our marriage and more so now since I am
expecting. He tends to put his son before everything and everyone else, when
the child is at his other home we are a normal happy couple. What do I do,
how can we come to an understanding and raise our children together? Is this
going to cause my marriage to come to an end, because when the subject needs
to be addressed he doesn't want to talk. He thinks that it is his way and
that's it because it is his son, I can't convince him to talk or even go
talk to a professional together. He wants me to be a mother figure to his
child and he wants me to do all the motherly things: get him dressed, take
him and pick him up from here or there, feed him, etc., but does not want me
to tell him no. What do I do???
 
Thank You for any advise you can give!


Dear Mom To Be:
        Sounds like you've had the benefit of a "look into the future" by
seeing how your husband handles his son and by seeing how you feel about the
way he parents.  Certainly you must know that many parents have
disagreements about how to handle situations with children - this is part of
the challenge of marriage and of parenting.  While you are right that part
of parenting is teaching children right from wrong, I was struck by your
statement that one of the reasons we are parents is to tell our children
"no".  Wow.  Sure, we have to stop our children from doing things and we
have to place limits on them but the less you say "no" and the more you
redirect and learn better ways of teaching, the more effective you'll be as
a parent and more you'll help your child gain good self-esteem which really
is a major goal of parenting.  Watch that negativity, mom!
        Here's what I'd do...I'd get myself and my husband to a marriage
counselor right away. Not because the marriage is in immediate danger of
failing but because you both can see the challenges ahead.  Prevention is
always easier than fixing something that is broken.  Any marriage therapist
will be delighted to work with a couple who chooses to be proactive rather
than waiting until things are all but lost.
        Thank you for writing...best wishes.  


Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My stepson has been kept in family counseling for over eight years
since the divorce.  He is 13 years old, a straight A student, has healthy
relationships with his friends and our family, acts responsibly, does not
act out, no mental/physical symptoms (aside from ocassional and normal
anxiety), and has never been in trouble with in school/law.  While the first
year of therapy made sense (due to the divorce), my husband and I feel that
two visits a month for eight years is frightening.  He now initiates the
visits which pleases his mother to no end.  His chief complaints to me and
his father are that he dislikes his stepfather, cannot tell his
mother/stepfather how he truly feels, wishes for more time with us, and that
he has to be "perfect" in their home.  My husband has joint legal custody,
but she is the primary custodian.  For years she has hoped that my husband
would fade out of the picture and accused him in court of everything from
being an alcoholic (disproven) to never attending school activities.  We
have eight to ten days a month with our stepson and we split the summer
vacation and all school holidays in half.  My stepson would very much like
to have more freedom of choice in who he spends time with and we have always
told him that he can always be with Mom if that's what he chooses.  He very
adamantly says no.  I believe he would just like to be heard.  The child
support we pay is basic plus 40% of counseling fees (which is considered
presumptive).  My husband is starting to withhold the counseling fees after
trying for four months to get a progress report from the counselor.  (Hubby
has full rights to his son's medical/educational information.) He has also
written his ex-wife explaining that while he would support therapy if it
were deemed necessary by ANOTHER counselor, he will no longer support
something that is developing into an unhealthy dependency for their son.  My
stepson says he goes to these sessions looking for a way to make the
transition from one house to the other easier, yet he doesn't seem to be
learning how to help himself feel better.  The court was very close to
cutting off these sessions for us, but ended up going with the mother.
Essentially, anything my husband says is ignored by his ex-wife.   She sets
up sessions for my stepson upon his immediate return which we find
incredibly manipulating and controlling.  What can we do aside from
continually protesting and withholding payment?  Report this counselor to
the Board of Behavioral Sciences?  Go back to court?  We just ended a two
year battle because the mother wanted to move out of the state and (THANK
GOD) the court said no.  We don't want to have to put my stepson through
that nonsense again, but what choice do we have?  Thank you for your time.  


Dear Stepmom:
        It is quite unusual for teenagers to truly want to be involved in
counseling.  That this young man is motivated to stay in therapy is an
important thing. Sure, it's possible that his therapist has fostered an
unhealthy dependency in the boy but this is very hard to assess let alone
prove.  Reporting this man to the licensing board is likely to do nothing
other than anger your stepson.  I suggest you think of it this way - this
young man lives in the middle of two homes at war.  Do you have any idea how
difficult that is for a child?  Perhaps he views therapy as HIS turf, HIS
safe place, HIS respite from the war and HIS place to process the mental
results of the war.  My suggestion - you have far larger issues to deal with
here than to try and punish his mother by taking it out on your steopson
through his therapy.   Think about it - and thanks for writing.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr Simon:
      Could you tell me what standard visitation is for an eight month old.
Is there an age limit when the father can have overnight visitation.  The
baby is also breast feeding.
 
Thank you.
 
Deena    


Dear Deena:
        There is no hard and fast "rule" about "standard" visitation nor
about when a child is able to overnight away from his/her mother.  In
general, the younger the child, the more frequent and briefer contacts
should be with the non-custodial parent (often the father).  It is important
for the child to attach to the father and for father to bond with the child.
Thus, frequent visits are very important.  In terms of the overnight
question specifically, experts generally agree that children your child's
age probably can tolerate an overnight visit although two nights in a row
may be asking the child to be away too long from his/her primary attachment
object.  Think of it this way...if a mom works an 8 hour day (usually 9
hours with lunch) and you have a one hour commute each way (which is not
uncommon), your child is away from you for 11 hours each day.  This
certainly is long enough for a child to have an overnight visit with her
father.  As for your breast feeding, many parents in your situaiton exprss
milk using a breast pump and make it available for times when the child is
away from the mother.  If you want to make this work, it can work.  Thanks
for writing.  Happy parenthood!


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am in a relationship have been for 4 years. My parnter has a son
11.  His son visits us once a month for about a week. My partner and I live
together.  But sometimes his son is rude and he is spoiled.. he lives with
his mom and step dad in S. Fransciso.. we all get along great.. but the
issue is my partners son mouthed off to me. I didn't yell what so ever I
just said "David, that was rude" and with that my partner started to yell at
me and yell at me and mimic me to his son, I just quiltely left the room and
went to our bedroom. He followed yelling at me from behind. and than went
back to his son and said "David you did nothing wrong"  and had more to say
to his kid about me (sarcasticly).. but it was very damaging. First I feel
its terrible that he put me down so terribly in front of his son and second
the child should never be a witness to such anger and yelling.  
        I dont know why he changes when his son comes - he is more hostile
toward me, like there is something to prove. But I told the child that I
love him and Im not mad at him and I said I'm not mad at anyone.. which is a
lie due to his fathers behavior but I just feel the child shouldn't bare
this load. But I feel like I'm seriously pulling away from my partner ..
dont take me wrong I love him dearly. But I feel like the show he put on in
front of his son was seriously damaging to me. I would never and will never
put my partner down in front of his son or anyone for that matter. Yes all
couples argue but this was just absolutely wrong... What can I say to him to
get the message across.. he is very caustic if I try to explain the way I
feel and how wrong it was for him to do what he did. Please advise
 
Devon


Dear Devon:
        It seems to me that the problem you experienced after verbally
reprimanding your partner's son is evidence of some sort of issues in your
relationship with your partner.  Why these issues come to the surface in
this fashion or why it is that your partner acts differently towards you
when his son is around is something I won't even begin to speculate about.
I agree with you - the way he put you down in front of his son is
unproductive from a relationship perspective, it models inappropraite
behavior to a child and, frankly, is humiliating and disrespectful.  Of
course, it is normal in stepfamilies for parents to be somewhat protective
of their children and it is common for new spouses or partners to feel, at
times, that they aren't part of the innermost circle.  This is easy to
understand and is just something you have to accept and deal with in
stepfamily situaitons.  However, that doesn't make it ok or healthy for
there to be inappropriate and ugly exchanges in which the child is drawn
into the conflict although this happens all too often.
        I suggest that you speak with your partner about how you see this as
reflecting a fissure in your relationship and a sign of some problems in
your communication with one another.  Don't make it about his son.  Make it
about how the two of you communicate and problem solve.
        Best wishes and thanks so much for your letter.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD in November of 2004.  He is
six (6) years old and is taking 25 mg of Strattera in the morning and after
supper. He is repeating his second year of kindergarten.
        My child's father lives on a farm, he is too permissive, and does
not keep a close eye on my son.  There is no doubt there is great love
there, but the Father has said that this is his second family and he doe not
have the energy to run after him.  There are, of course, real safety
concerns when living on a farm, and the Father has done many things in the
past that are unsafe. (Let son drive a 475cc Honda 4-Wheeler, by himself.) I
have had so many arguments with the Father over safety issues, I had to
wonder if the man had any common sense.   His Father would never discipline
him, unless he broke or lost something that belonged to him.  He would let
my son run wild.
        To cut to the point, the Father wants my son to live one week with
him, and one week with me; I am terrified that living out of a suitcase will
keep my son from feeling secure, and that the change in schedule, week to
week, will cause continual disruption in his life.  He has begun to improve
alot in school here and at my home.  I have asked his father to please agree
to let him live with me during school, then after homework, and before
bedtime, he could pick him up to spend extra time with him, on my weekend's,
if his Dad wanted to pick him up on a Saturday for extra time, I would be
okay, and/or part of my Sunday (in between Sunday school and kids bible
study).  His Dad will not agree to that and continues to refer to his
attorney's thoughts as, "We will not play it that way" and "win the war",
etc.  My child's life is not a game.
        What are your thoughts on a child with ADHD living one week with one
parent, the next week with another?
 
thank you, 
 
Joan 


Dear Joan:
        In general, six year old children can do well with a week on/week
off custody schedule if they have the support of both parents and if both
parents try hard to make it work.  True, children with ADHD typically
require more structure and consistency than other children but there is
structure and consistency in a week to week schedule.  I actually think that
there is likely to be more disruption in the type of schedule you propose
than in the week on/week off type of schedule but I recognize that I do not
have first hand knowledge of the particulars of your situaiton.
        If I were you, I'd try and make information/education about ADHD
available to the father.  There are many easy to read books and pamphlets on
the subject. Perhaps there is a support group or parenting class in your
area that focuses on the issues.  This kind of knowledge, coming from
someone other than yourself, will give the father information about how to
support and structure things for your son.  


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon,
        My ex-husband and I have been divorced for  about fourteen years.
We have twin son and daughter who are fourteen.  I am remarried (11 years
and have two other children.  My problem is this,  we have joint legal
custody but I have sole physical custody and my ex husband spends very
little time with the kids.  If not for his mother, he would probably never
see them.  I have always encouraged his involvement but he screams at me.
When he does exercise his visitation, he takes them to his mothers and drops
them off for the entire weekend.  The grandmother is extremely negative and
has encouraged the children to misbehave so they can come live with her.
She has even called DFACS on me three times in six months.  DFACS sent a
letter stating that there was no indication of abuse and was closing the
file.  The grandmother live with another disabled lady and neither of them
can drive.  (The Grandmother has Parkinson's)  My son wheels his grandmother
up a busy highway over two miles in 85 degree heat to rent movies.  My
ex-husband refused to take my son to oral surgery which forced me to drive
206 miles for two days to get him to his appointments.  I have sent letters
reminding him of appointments and he gets our son to call me and tell me
he's not going.  I have tried to explain to my son and daughter that I can
not discuss this with them.  I have written their dad asking him to refrain
from putting the kids in the middle but he refuses to talk to me or even
write me.  His girlfriend screams at me when they pick up the children that
he won't talk to me calling all kinds of names.  They are at their
grandmother's by way of dad for six weeks this summer and it is killing me.
I miss them terribly and am worried about what is being told them.  I would
be happy with any advice.  I can't sleep and they have such hostility toward
me that their bitterness dictates their every move.  Please help.
RE
 
Dear RE:
        Advise about how to change your ex-husband?  You can't.  Advise
about how to change the grandmother's negativity?  You can't.  I'd advise
you to be proud of yourself that your children have one responsible and
devoted parent and I'd advise you to be grateful, each and every day, for
their love and to be grateful that you aren't married to their dad any more.
In other words, some situaitons in life are not fair and, frankly, they
suck.  Acceptance this is reality and maintenance of a focus on what is
positive is your best way of coping.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr.  Simon:
        I am a father that has a few questions. First as a concerned father,
I have been told that my wife has been reported to the child welfare
agencies in three different states, but moves each time, before it becomes a
serious concern for the state. None of the states check her past. As a
father they won't give me any information on any of this. My son is in
counseling for serious anger problems ordered by the state. My ex constantly
blames me for everything he does wrong, although she restricts most of my
visitation with them. If I even approach a lawyer, the only thing I get a
price, and not a cheap one. I get the feeling of helplessness on this issue.
        Second; my children are about to turn 12 and one is 13. I have been
told that, in the state of Texas, at the age of 12 they can choose witch
parent they want to live with, but I can't find any info on this. Both want
to come and live with me, and the way they keep asking to concerns me. And
there is a high price for lawyers fee's. Did I mention that I am not rich
yet. I haven't won the lottery either.


 

Dear Dad:
        I am not sure if there is a law or rule in your state about if/when
children can choose where they want to live.  If there is such a rule, I am
sure that a little bit of legal research will help you find it.  You'd be
surpised what you can learn by using Google and various legal databases
available on the internet.  Yes, attorneys can be expensive although most
areas have legal services for low income people.  Morever, many attorneys
will allow you to make payments for their services.  Get some names and
interview several different attorneys.  If nothing else, perhaps you can
simply learn what the local laws/rules are with respect to if/when children
can determine where they live.  You always can go to court and represent
yourself. While this isn't easy, it is becoming more and more common in
family court and is something you might wish to consider.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dr. Simon:
        I need some advice, I have custody of my eight year old son.  His
father has visitation every other weekend, etc.  My ex is remarried and
lives about 2 hours from us.  I am responsible for picking up my child from
visitation, however, my son's father will not let me come to their house to
pick him up, he makes excuses every time and says he will meet me somewhere.
My son recently let my husband and I know that there are three ferrets in
the house, and that they defecate all over the house and that the house is
"very messy".  When my son returned home this weekend, his clothes smelled
of strong cigarette smoke, even the clean ones in his bag.  I do not know
how to handle this, we recently went to court over some other issues (lack
of child support, drinking, etc.).  I do not want to have to start another
court battle again, but I do not know how to handle this.  He does not have
my son shower or brush his teeth when he is there.  And frankly, my son
stinks when he comes home. 
Your help and advice would be appreciated, thank you.
Renee


 

Dear Renee:
        You are quite right to do your best not to start another court
battle. You've no doubt learned by now that this is a horrible process to go
through.  Your situaiton is one in which I think you have to look at the
practical realities. Does your son come home from his father's home happy?
Does he enjoy seeing his father? Sure, the mess and the smoke is a problem -
but do they compromise your son in any major way?  Surely his father didn't
just start smoking right?  So surely you know that you had a child with a
smoker, right?  Why is it now not OK for his father to be a smoker?
        Insofar as your son not showering or brushing his teeth, isn't this
something that he should be responsible for?  Make him responsible for it
and let him know that it is his job to take care of these things - that is
how we raise our children to become independent and in charge of themselves.
As for your son's odor when he comes home - I suggest a shower and a load of
laundry.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My husband and I separated in October 2004 and are currently working
through a divorce.  I initially didn't want the divorce, but found out that
there was another woman involved.  My husband filed a cruelty suit against
me because he didn't want to wait the year for no fault.  I have countersued
for adultery.  When my husband left to move into an apartment nearby I
wanted him to take the two children, ages 17 and 14, every other weekend.
Husband went for nine months without any scheduled visitation and just an
occasional dinner with the boys and a vacation where he sprung his
girlfriend and her children on them.  The court ordered us to mediate
visitation which we did last month. 
        My STBX agreed to take the one minor son (older one is going to
college) every other weekend.  Since we signed the agreement, he totally
disregards it and states that my son doesn't want to stay over and he won't
make him.  I love my son and I don't care if he goes to his Dad's or not,
but I resent that my STBX is disrespectful to the agreement. This is causing
arguments between all of us.  I told my son he has to go and that makes him
feel like I don't want him here.  I know this was wrong, but how do I
explain to him that his Dad is being irresponsible and a jerk.  Dad wants to
be the "Disney Land Dad" going to dinner, concerts and vacations, but he
doesn't want the responsibility of a teenager. I resent that my kids
appreciate that their Dad shows up with some fun event, while nobody
appreciate that I am there day in and day out doing all the drudgery.  Is
there any healthy way to communicate this to my kids and STBX?    


 

Dear Mom:
        I suggest that you let your soon-to-be-ex know, in a businesslike
and unemotional manner, how his behavior makes you feel and how you believe
it may impact your youner son.  What your children's father chooses to do is
up to him - you can't force him to behave one way or another.  Sure it is
frustrating for you but you are in charge of your behavior, not his.  Sure
you are frustrated that you are the parent who does the hard work while dad
gets the glory. Well, mom, guess what?  That's parenting!  It's your job to
do your job and not complain about doing your job.  You get to suck it up
and tough it out. 
        Insofar as speaking to your son about how you feel about his father
- don't.  He's 14.  He'll sort it out on his own.  The worst thing you can
do is to go to him with your anger at his father and your negative
perceptions of his father.  That is just the kind of thing that causes the
greatest damage to children when their parents divorce.  Insofar as making
your son see his father, he is too old for you to do that. If he doesn't
want to go, I would advise he not be forced. 
        Hang in there and do the best you can do. This isn't easy but there
is a great deal of internal reward from knowing you're doing a tough job and
doing it properly.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I live in Canada and have been a single mother for most of the past
13 years.  My parents have done a lot to help me. I now have a boyfriend and
my kids love him. My kids stay at my parents quite often and when they do,
each of them sleeps with a grandparent. The boys are 12 and 13 but I've
never thought this was wrong. My boyfriend says that it is illegal. Is it
illegal?
or is it immoral? or is it just what I've always thought, innocent and
convient? I've looked everywhere for answers to my questions, please help!
                                                                  
Thank-you
                                                                     Robin =
Dear Robin:
        As a psychologist, I am unable to comment on whether the behavior
you describe is legal or illegal. I also choose not to comment on the
morality of what you describe since morality is such a subjective and
individual matter.  I can tell you that in some cultures including some
European cultures, "the family bed" and "cosleeping" considered to be common
and normal.  The important thing, I think, is what you believe is right and
what you are and are not willing to allow your parents to do with your
children.  Do you have any reason to believe that something inappropriate
has taken place?  Do your boys complain about it and are they uncomfortable
sleeping with your parents? 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
My ex-husband and I currently do the Tuesday, Thursday and
every-other-weekend custody arrangement. When he asked for additional time
with the children (ages 2 and 5), I agreed to one week a month (M-F) in
addition to the regular visitation. He would now like to move to a 50/50
arrangements. Although I feel his motivations are more financial (not having
to pay child support) he says that he wants the time with the kids. I have
never denied him any time and have been extremely flexible with his
schedule. I am a work at home Mom, he is a firefighter (24/48 shifts). He is
getting married to a woman with 3 children of her own (we seperated in
August, and divorced in February - he is re-marrying this September), and I
remain single. He feels that I look at his visitation as my "break", because
I often travel for business and/or pleasure during his week long visitation
period. He says its my responsibility to conform to his schedule to allow
him to see his children, so if he needs to work, then I should be available
to pick up the slack. But at the same time, he opted NOT to take his 8 weeks
for the summer because he had too many other things going on (i.e. vacations
planned with his fiancee and her children, purchase of new home, etc).
Although I believe him to be a good father, I am more concerned
about the effect the split would have on the kids. I want them to have time
with their Dad, but I don't want them to feel too bounced around. I also
feel like this is his attempt to tie me to this very small town we both live
in as his on-call babysitter. I only want whats best for the kids, and I'm
very leary of the 50/50 split.


Regards,
Susan



Dear Susan:
Any agreement you and your children's father arrive at the truly
suits you and is agreeable to you is good for the kids. There is no ideal
custody arrangement per se (certainly some are better than others) but one
that you agree to is ideal since this minimizes conflict between you.
Research has shown, time and again, that it is conflict between the parents
that results in the most harm/risk to children. In my opinion, a five year
old is probably ready to tolerate a week on/week off type of child sharing
program but two years olds need more frequent contact with each parent. I
think it is hard for most two years olds to be away from either parent for a
week at a time.
In terms of the "babysitting" issue, of course you should not be
used as his sitter. He should be responsible for child care for the
children when they are with him and you should be responsible when they are
with you. It may work well to give the other parent "first right of refusal"
when you are going to be away from the children for a period of time (such
as all day/overnight). However, it seems to be that when you are
separated/divorced, this means that you have separate lives and make
separate plans and must be reponsible for yourself. To expect your former
spouse to be on call to care for children during your parenting time is
unreasonable and probably quite likely to create conflict and difficulty.


Best wishes.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
I was devastated when my wife of 7 years told me she was divorcing
me. She had been having an affair for a couple years while I was too blind
and busy caring for our two young children to see it. She had become
pregnant with the other man's child. There was the 9 month wait to make
sure the child wasn't mine; then a bitter custody battle in which I was
given primary physical custody with legal custody being shared.
The children are with me except for two days every other weekend during the
school year. However, during the summer, she has them 2 weeks and I have
them one. My problem is she does not allow them to talk to me during the
two weeks she has them. My new wife and I ALWAYS allow the children to
speak with her when she calls, or if we aren't home, we have them return her
calls. The four year old, especially, has never been around her mother
enough to bond with her and it breaks my heart that she is not allowed to
correspond with us during her mother's visitation period. Two weeks is a
long time for such a young child. Before the divorce, my x-wife did not
live with me and the children, but came to visit the children one or two
days a week. She gave the children little attention, but she has expressed
anger many times that she now has to pay child support. She appears to be
angry and jealous that I am getting on with my life. Any suggestions to
help her realize that she is hurting the children by not allowing them to
talk with me? Is it time to consult an attorney? Our 6 year old has told me
several times that he wanted to talk to me when I called, but Mom said that
if he did, she would ground him.
A Dad who loves his children very deeply


Dear Dad:
Yes, your children should be able to speak with you freely and
frequently when they are with their mother. They should know that they are
welcome to call you whenver they feel like it. It is important for children
to know that they have access to both parents at all times. This is
independent of the children's history with their mother. It is disturbing
to hear that the children are theatened with punishment for wanting to be in
touch with you - hopefully your child is being dramatic when stating this
but it nevertheless suggests that something is amiss. It is hard to tell
you how to help your children's mother "realize" something that is so
intuitive and make such common sense. However, I might suggest that you buy
her a good book on coparenting (such as Parenting After Divorce by Phil
Stahl, Ph.D.) and show her what the experts have to say about the issue. You
ask if it is time to see an attorney. My answer is that you are best off
and the children are best off avoiding litigation if at all possible. Try
other approaches first.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
The father of my child and myself have already attended a mediation
hearing and have agreed upon a visitation schedule. (Just to mention he has
a lawyer and I do not.) Now that the schedule is signed the father of my
child has been missing pick-up days, hasn't payed child support or even seen
our son in two months and never calls. Now he has our son for two weeks
because he said he forgot that it was summer time and that he would now like
to adhere to the summer time schedule for these two weeks. But after these
two weeks he may not be able to get him. The day that he was picking him up,
when he called to see if I was back from the doctors with our son and I
wasn't home yet he called his lawyer telling her that there was a problem.
So with all of that said and done I whould like to know can he do that?
Isn't that some sort of breach in our visitation agreement? Do I get a say
so in the matter? Am I stuck now bcause I signed the paper at mediation?

Savionsmommie


Dear Savionsmommie:
While child custody agreements are never written in stone and are
always subject to revision when circumstances require, it makes me sad to
hear you use the phrase "stuck" when describing your current situation.
Certainly, if stuck is an appropriate word, it is not YOU tht is stuck but
instead your child. Mom, I understand your frustration, truly I do. But it
is so important to keep the focus on your child and not on how you feel or
what your struggles are. Is it a good thing that dad does not follow
through with regular parenting time? Nope! Is it a good thing that he will
spend two weeks with your son this summer? Yes! Is it upsetting that after
not seeing the child he calls his attorney because you are at the doctor
with your child? You bet! Is anything likely to come of his complaint to
his attorney? Nope. True he has "breached" your aggreement but is it not
best for your son to have time with his father when his father will make
himself avaialble? Sure it is hard for you and frustrating for you. But
being a parent is all about giving, tolerating frustration, doing what is
best for the child even when it is hard or frustrating for the parent. Keep
your eye on the right road, mom. You'll do better and feel a lot better
too! Thanks for writing.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband cheated on me and now we are separated. He had the
girlfriend sleep at his house last night while it was his night to have our
daughter. My daughter came home upset and said she was mean to her and the
girlfriend hates her. She also said she had to sleep in her own bed because
they were sleeping together. He only has her two nights a week. Can I stop
him from having her sleep over those two nights? In addition we were trying
to work things out and he has been sleeping at my haouse until I found out
he was still with her only two days ago. So my daughter sees Daddy and Mommy
together one night and someone else with Daddy the next.



Dear Mom:
Research shows that it is best for separated/divorcing parents to
give children time to adjust to the change in their lives before engaging in
a new romantic relationship that the child is exposed to. Please understand
that I am not making a moral judgement here. I am simply telling you what
comptent research tells us. When parents rush into new relationships,
children don't have the chance to truly process and adjust to the change in
their lives with regard to the breakup of the family. Since your husband is
also spending time with you, this adds extra confusion to the situation.
For your part, I would think it best that you at least stop having your
husband over to spend the night with you. At least you can bring an end to
that source of confusion. I can also understand that you are hurt and angry
that your husband is apparently simultaneously trying to reconcile with you
and see his girlfriend. While your hurt is understandable, please be very
careful not to allow your hurt to impact your parenting, your decision
making or how you speak with your daughter about the situation. The hurt you
feel is not something your very young child needs to know about or be
exposed to. As to whether you can prevent him from having the girlfriend
over when your daughter is there, that is a quesiton for an attorney.
Thanks for your letter and best wishes.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
My question is that my 14 soon to be 15 yr old wants to live with
his father. His dad lives in Illinois and I live in Michigan, we are 500
miles apart. My daughter is 12. My son believes that he is old enough to
make this decision on his own. His father isnt a "bad" dad but......the
step-mom drinks and has drove with my children in the car in past incidents.
My ex is allowed all of the summer visitation. My son will not say a bad
word about the step-mom due to the fact that I told him if one more incident
occurred with the drinking that there would be big trouble with the
step-mom.
My son has spoken with my ex's attorney (I have full-custody of both
children), not that it matters. My question is, Can a soon to be 15 yr old
make that type of decision on his own? My lawyer spoke with me and said
that he believes that my son will be allowed to go, that he is old enough to
make that decision. My son stated to my lawyer that he loves me and his
stepdad, that there is nothing wrong other than the fact that he just wants
to live with his dad.
Any advice would be great at this point.
Thanks,
Shannon



Dear Shannon:
Different localities have different laws and regulations and rules
regarding when a child is old enough to be able to make this type of
decision. My own sense is that a 15 year old must be listened to and his
wishes should be taken quite seriously. After all, as the parent of a
teenager, you know what there is to gain (and not gain) when you oppose a
teen about things that they feel very strongly about (and which won't
endanger them). Also, as children get older, it begins to make more sense
for siblings to have different arrangements...whereas younger children
usually are more of a "package." I know that you may be hurt and feel sad
that your son wants to live with his dad. It is normal for you to feel like
that. However, be assured that it is often the case that teenagers choose
to experience time with the other parent when they have been primarily
raised by one parent. To the extent that this is normal for dual household
children, perhaps you can feel somewhat reassured that your son is doing
well.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Here goes-  I was devastated when my wife of 7 years told me she was
divorcing me.  She had been having an affair for a couple years while I was
too blind and busy caring for our two young children to see it.  She had
become pregnant with the other man's child.  There was the 9 month wait to
make sure the child wasn't mine;  then a bitter custody battle in which I
was given primary physical custody with legal custody being shared. 
The children are with me except for two days every other weekend during the
school year.  However, during the summer, she has them 2 weeks and I have
them one.  My problem is she does not allow them to talk to me during the
two weeks she has them.  My new wife and I ALWAYS allow the children to
speak with her when she calls, or if we aren't home, we have them return her
calls.  The four year old, especially, has never been around her mother
enough to bond with her and it breaks my heart that she is not allowed to
correspond with us during her mother's visitation period.  Two weeks is a
long time for such a young child.  Before the divorce, my x-wife did not
live with me and the children, but came to visit the children one or two
days a week. She gave  the children little attention, but she has expressed
anger many times that she now has to pay child support. She appears to be
angry and jealous that I am getting on with my life.   Any suggestions to
help her realize that she is hurting the children by not allowing them to
talk with me?  Is it time to consult an attorney? Our 6 year old has told me
several times that he wanted to talk to me when I called, but Mom said that
if he did, she would ground him.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
A Dad who loves his children very deeply


 

Dear Dad:
        It is not at all in your children's best interests to have no
telephone contact while they are in the care of their mother for two weeks
at a time. Children do best when they are given free and unfettered access
to each parent so this worries me very much.  I'm sure you've tried to talk
to your children's mother about this problem, right?  If not, do so. If
talking to her hasn't worked, you may need to consult with an attorney to
pursue the matter in court. While litigation is always difficult and
emotionally painful, it is probably worse to allow the current situation to
continue this way.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My 12 year old son is with my ex-partner (his mother).  They live in
a male friend (of my ex's) and share one bedroom with two beds.  There are
other rooms in the house that can be convereted into a bedroom.  My ex says
that there is nothing wrong with this arrangement and that my son want's her
close by.  I see this as un-natural and potentially devistating.  We have
fought over this matter and she claims that she is doing the right thing for
our son.  Your insight would be appreciated.
G. Megan
 
Dear G:
        This is a situation that is very much influenced by cultural beliefs
and value systems. In many European countries, co-sleeping and "the family
bed" are common and considered to be quite normal. In our culture, it is
considered normal for children to sleep in their own bed in their own room.
I am not aware of any research that suggests that one configuration is
preferrable to another.  Rather, it appears that the child's comfort with
his/her sleeping arrangements is the key issue. How does your son feel about
the sleeping arrangements at his mom's home?  Does he make a good transition
to the different arrangements in your home?  Research also shows that
eventually, most children who co-sleep ask for separation and privacy as
they embark on adolescence.  I'd be worried if a child asked for this
privacy and was not given it but that does not appear to be the case here -
at least yet.  Thank you for your question.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:

 My wife and I are in the middle of a divorce.  We were married 13

years and have 2 daughters ages 12 and 10.  Mediation failed, so we retained
a forensic psychologist to evaluate us and are in the middle of the
evaluation.  My elder daughter is very much like me, both in our likes and
dislikes, physique, food preferences, etc.  My younger daughter is like my
wife, slightly overweight, food preferences, likes and dislikes, etc.
        My younger daughter and I used to have a good relationship.
However, about 4 weeks ago, her attitude towards me changed dramatically.
She no longer wants to talk to me, be with me, or even look at me.  When I
ask questions, she always responds in the negative or "I don't know."  It's
as if she were told to behave this way or she is angry with me.  When I try
to talk to her privately, she says, "I don't have to talk to you," or "You
are pressuring me," or "You are making me feel guilty."
        How should I present this to the custody evaluator, and more
importantly, how can I correct my relationship with her?
 
Regards,
 
SK
 
Dear SK:        
        Thank you for your excellent quesiton.  I can well understand that
you are concerned.  In terms of sharing your concerns with the evaluator, I
suggest you do it in a simple, factual and straightforward fashion.
Forensic evaluators want to find out what is going on so brining this
information to his/her attention can be of help in finding out what the
forces and factors are that are impacting the children.
        In terms of what to do about your daughter, I'm afraid that without
a lot more information, I am left only to speculate as to the cause of her
feelings and, therefore, the solution.  What I can tell you is that children
go through very complex and confusing emotions at times like this. When
evaluations are taking place, children often experience conflicting and
intense emotions. Sometimes, they choose to "take sides" in an attempt to
diminish the conflict and uncertainty they feel inside.  Certianly, it is
fair to say that as long as an evaluation is in process, little healing or
progress takes place in the lives of impacted families.  In the mean time,
listen carefully to what she has to say to you and try your best to be
empathic with her experience.  This may help her realize that you are
supportive, that you care about what she is going through and that you
accept her feelings.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dr Simon:
           I enjoy reading your work. I have two sons age 13 and age 9.
Their dad has custody of them and I see them weekends. I am very concerned
for them.  They both tell me that they want to live with me, and when they
tell there dad he always tells them "no that will never happen."  I am
worried because the Doctor their dad takes them too has put them on Prozac
and Lexapor without any counseling. I have asked their father to get a
second opinion - I think that counseling would help the boys.  I don't think
that they need medication.   Am i wrong for wanting a second opinion and
counseling?
 
Thank You
 
worried mom
 
Dear Mom:
        I think it makes good sense to get a second opinion for your boys.
The use of powerful psychotropic medications is something that can be very
helpful but I think that all concerned need to be comfortable with using
them.  Research shows that counseling and medication is more effetive than
either used alone.  Especially with young children, I think this is
important.  However, I caution you not to reach the conclusion that they
don't need medication or that medication isn't helpful. You are not a
physician and you are not trained to make such decisions.  Much like you
want their father to be open to counseling, you are wise to open to using
medication if it us truly clinically indicated.
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My daughters ages are 12 and 8.  My children's father and I have
been divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period.  My ex has
never been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years.  He
began using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of
control behavior devastated our family.  I sought help to heal both my and
my children's emotions and we have made great progress.  I am much different
now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many
friends.  We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation
however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with
the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year.
        He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to
tell about me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and
accepting blame and smothering us with attention. This time he will not
return their calls, has changed his phone number and will not call them.  He
has not seen them in the past two months although he had promised them to
never abandon them again.  He makes promises to them and does not keep them,
tells them I am on drugs, and that I am promiscuous.  They are becoming
tired of his constant lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have
a hard time convincing them to continue to try to make contact with him.  
        I know they are hurting under the "I don't really care" attitude and
I have tried to get their dad to understand what he is doing to them by
sending him articles on the subject and letters describing their pain.  I
get no response.  My question is do I continue to try to instigate my girls
to contact their dad or do I stop?  I cannot stand to see the pain in their
faces and the hunger for his attention and affection.  They feel like he
does not care for them anymore.  I talk honestly with them and tell them he
is the one with the problems, they are not the problem but I know deep down
they still hurt.  Please advise me on the best way to handle this situation.


Coni  


Dear Coni:
        This is a very tough situation for any parent.  How sad it makes a
parent when their children's other parent seems to be troubled and seems to
be hell bent on selfish trouble making rather than loving and supportive
parenting.  You obviously know that you can't change his behavior or change
is attitudes but that you can only control what you do and say and how you
parent.  Your children's feelings are understandable and, in many ways,
healthy in that their feelings reflect their very real and very human pain.
For them to pretend that they don't hurt or for them to pretend that their
father isn't being emotionally inappropriate with them would be unrealistic
and, therefore, worriesome.  
        I think being honest with them is good plan insofar as the honesty
is required to support their realistic and accurate perceptions of what they
are going through.  I wouldn't add fuel to the fire or give them information
that doesn't foster this (in other words, don't act out of your anger at
their father by going overboard). Asking them to instigate contact with
someone who is inappropriate with them is something I'd be cautious about.
However, you want to let them know that they always have your support and
permission in being in contact with their dad, in having a relationship with
him and in loving him.  At some point, probably when they are older, they
will wish to communicate their pain to their father but this may not be
their time for it.  However, rest more comfortably knowing that they are
communicating it to you and not holding it in and internalizing it.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My 20 month old granddaughter and my son moved in with me 6 months
ago. My son's ex girlfriend lives approx. 5 hours away and comes to see the
child approx. every 8 weeks. The last time she came she took her for 4
days/nights in a row. The child seemed happy when she returned but has since
REFUSED to get near her babybed. She is terrified of it. 
        I worry that these extended visits, away from her daddy and grandma
(who she is very attached to.) are just too much for her to deal with. Is it
unfair to ask the mother to try to come and see the child more often so as
to get to know the child a little better, before we will allow anymore
overnight/extended visits?  I do want her to be a part of my grandchilds
life but I also am concerned for the childs emotions.
Thank you,
Cindy
 
Dear Cindy:
        With children this young, it is generally thought that more frequent
but briefer visits with the non-custodial parent are appropriate.
Typically, it would be hard on a 20 month old child to be away for four
nights from her primary home particularly when the non-custodial parent is
someone with whom the child is unafamiliar and sees infrequently.  It
probably makes more sense for the child's mother to visit more often and for
the child to be gone for a shorter period of time at this point in her life.
As she becomes older, more extended visits will probably be less disruptive
for her assuming she and her mother are able to establish a compelling and
enduring bond.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I divorced in 1998 and visitation remains the same since then. I
have just recently filed a motion for child support adjustment since 1998
after being warned from my ex that I would be sorry if I did. He is now
seeking 50/50 visitation.. Our son is 12 and his father has also told him
that now the fight was on.
        If I thought he wanted expanded visitation frlom his heart I'd be
fine with it, but he waited until he knew he was going to have to pay more
support. I have always left the door open for more vistitation between the
two, he's never asked for any extra throughout the past 6 years. I just want
to what is best for our son.

Dear Mom:       
        This is a very unpleasant situation and one, I'm afraid, that is all
too common.  What is of greatest concern to me isn't that your former
husband is now seeking more time with your son.  Instead, my greatest
concern is that your son is being drawn into the conflict with statements
indicating that now the fight is on.  This can only harm your son who,
understandably, may become angry and/or guilty that he is at the focus of so
much conflict. 
        You can't impact what his father does - you can only impact what you
do.  So, you want to be extra sure and extra careful with how you spseak to
your son about the situation.  Be careful not to disparage his father and be
careful not to attempt to draw your son into an alliance with you.  The real
issue here, apparently, is child support.  The financial arrangements
between parents is an "adult issue" and is not something you need to discuss
with your son.  If your son comes to you(repeat, if he comes to you - in
other words if he initiates conversation about things)with concerns/feelings
about what his father is saying and or doing or about anything you are
saying and doing, try and address your son's concerns without drawing him
into the conflict you are having with his father. 
        Thanks for your question.  Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Thank you for reading my mail, my two year old daughter has been
spending every other week with her father for the last month, initally he
had her on the weekends, however now when she gets home with me, she
constantly says, "i don't wanna go to daddy's". Which tells me she is not
adjusting well to the vistitation, I was trying to be fair to him and do
what i felt like was better for her but obviously it is not working out that
way.   He just got married suddenly and i am afraid he is going to file
abandonment charges against me, or file for custody.
Scared for my daughter
 
Dear Scared:
        It is hard for me to understand the basis upon which your child's
father could file charges related to abandonment.  However, I'm not an
attorney and am in no way offering legal advice.  I would state, however,
that a "week on/week off" child sharing plan for a two year old is often
very difficult for a child.  Instead, many experts consider it more
appropriate for very young children to spend briefer but more frequent time
with each parent.  Therefore, the fact that your daughter is complaining may
make sense even if nothing untoward is going on in his home.  Moreover,
you've made a very large change in the parenting/child sharing plan quite
recently.  Therefore, even if all is well in dad's home, this young lady
might need more time to adjust and get used to the change.
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
      I am the mother of a 2 1/2 year old girl.  Her father and I have been
seperated since she was three months old.  When she was a year old I met a
man who is now my fiance and my daughter and I have been living with him for
the past 5 months.  We haven't been in contact with her biological father
for the past 5 months, since she was born he has been in and out of her
life.  I have sole physical and legal custody of her and he has supervised
visitation every  other weekend.  My fiance loves my daughter as if she was
his own and she calls him daddy.  She tells me that she has two daddys now
and I know she loves them both.  She has spent more time with my fiance then
she has with her biological father due to personal problems involving drugs.
My family however doesn't agree with her calling my fiance daddy because
they think that is it isn't right.  They feel that she will suffer
pychological damage and confuse her if she does so.  I respect my family and
their beliefs, but I am confused as to how I should handle the situation.
Because of everything that is going on, my daughter who spends a lot of time
with my family is told that she only has one daddy and that my fiance is
only her soon to be step-dad.  What should I do?
 
Dear Mom:
     I'm not aware of any reserach on this subject that might show outcomes
and long term adjustment of children who call step-parents "mom" or "dad". I
can, therefore, only give you my opinion on this.  I believe that each child
has one "mom" and one "dad". These are special terms - terms of endearment -
for these two people.  When parents remarry, I recommend that other terms of
endearment be chosen for the step-parent.  For example, your daughter can
call your fiancee "papa" or something of that nature.  She may have little
or no contact with her biological father but this man, like it or not, is
weaved into her life, her genes and her cells.  He can't be replaced.
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon,
        I am in serious need of your help.  I'm a single mother of a four
year old girl.  I have been dating a man for the past sixteen months very
seriously.  He has spoken about marriage; however, I sense the discomfort he
has with me being a mother because I keep in touch with my ex-husband for
obvious parenting reasons.  For example, my daughter had a performance
today, he sent me text messages saying when I'm busy with her, I don't love
him or miss him, and not to bother calling him.  Oh, I left the most
important part out, he is out of state doing his externship. 
        I'm not sure about how to handle him anymore, I do love him, but my
daughter is my world.  Although, he doesn't ask me to choose, he has said,
he will never treat her as his own.  I want to work things out, but is it
possible?  Although very educated, he seems very old fashion.  He makes me
feel guilty of being out with my daughter, he wants me home at all times.
How do I handle something like this, it doesn't seem healthy to me. 
        I need him to know how to trust me, and I want him to love me
unconditionally.  Any suggestions?

 

Dear Mom:
        You and your daughter are a "package deal" so to speak.  Your
daughter deserves to have a "step-parent" who truly loves her, wants her in
his life and will treasure her as much as he treasures you.  At least your
boyfriend is honest enough to tell you that he will never feel that close to
her.  My suggestion...cut your losses now.  His inability to truly accept
your daughter shows that his focus is HIM.  The impact of this will be felt
in many ways, seen and not yet seen, for years to come. 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have recently become engaged to a wonderful man.  I have one 14
year old daughter he has no children.  My daughter and my finace hit it off
as soon as they met and become very close but now I wonder if they are too
close.  He will roll her around on the floor rub her back tell her he will
do anything for her he even pulls her into his lap.  I even saw them one day
in the bed together with her on top of his chest and my daughter loves the
attention she even eggs it on.  I love my daughter more than anything in the
world and would die for her if I had to if he is going to hurt her in way I
would not hesitate to rid her and myself of him.  Or am I just being over
protective and over reactive.  Please help.
 
 
Kathy
 
Dear Kathy:
        It sounds to me like you aren't comfortable with the kind of
physical contact that your fiancee and your daughter are having.  The
solution is simple. Ask him to stop doing these things with her and tell
your daughter that you aren't comfortable with the wresting and with her
crawling on top of him while he is in the bed.  Just set some limits and
communicate.  If your fiancee won't accept the limits or is unwilling to
cooperate with your request, then you know that you may have other problems
to solve. 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have been divorced for 6 years now.  I get my children every other
weekend and one day a week.  I have never missed a weekend.  On the weekends
I have my children I feel like that is their time and we do what they want
to do.  I probably spend more time with them than most fathers in the
household with their children.  When my children are with their mother and I
see them in public they do not acknowledge me.  If I go to their programs at
school - you would never know that I was their father.  They do not talk to
me or anything.  As they have gotten older it seems that they do not even
want to be at my house.  Tina, my ex-wife tells me it is because I do not
call them any extra or see them any extra.  They treat me like a piece of
crap when they are with me.  When I do call them they do not want to talk to
me.  Why would I do it any extra?  My children go home and tell their mother
that they do not want to come here and to be honest after 6 years of this
and no peace with the situation I am ready to wash my hands of my children.
I am at my wits end because I have tried to get my ex-wife to go to
counseling with me and not even 2 mins. later my oldest daughter who is 13
calls me and tells me that she isn't going to see that quack.  I know that
my ex has did a lot of brainwashing over the years and I do not know what to
do.  I could tell you several stories over the past 6 years but I just do
not know what to do.  Please help!
 
Dear Dad:
        While I don't know the specifics of your situation, it is my
experience that in situations such as what you describe, the real victims
are the children.  You sound as if you are the victim and yet, I'd have to
imagine that it is the children who really are suffering the most.  Since
our job as parents is to focus on our children and not on ourselves, the
struggle they are going through is primary.  That having been said, I'd have
to guess that what is amiss here has more to do with aspects of your
interactions with them and aspects of how their mother interacts with them
and speaks to them about you.  In other words, it isn't the children's
fault.  When a parent speaks of his/her children with the kind of anger that
your words suggest you have towards the children, that parent has moved away
from the basic empathic and compassionate parenting stance that children
expect and deserve to have from their parents.  Dad, if you want to "wash
your hands", no one can stop you.  But don't blame the kids.  Look at
yourself and see what you can do to refocus the nature of your relationship
with the kids.  I know it is frustrating but you can't stop the kid's mom
from saying whatever it is she says to the kids so keep your focus on YOUR
relationship with them and the things you can do to improve it. 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.



Dear Dr. Simon:
I am separated now from my daughters and have them on Saturdays and
take them to school in the mornings on Monday. I am a Dad who tries very
hard to get along with my ex but the girls had some behavior problems in her
home on a Friday and I was told I could not see them on Saturday. She is
punishing them with not being able to spend time with me Do you believe it
is ok?.


Dear Dad:
No, it absolutely is not OK. In fact, it is horrible. Your
relationship with the girls is not something to be used to punish them. You
must put a stop to this.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a 4 1/2 year old little boy. My husband just recently came
back from Iraq in and we are seperated.  He just moved out a week ago. My
son and husband are VERY close and always have been, my husband always put
him to bed at night, stayed home with him when I worked, they were
inseperable. When my husband came to pick him up over the weekend for his
first sleep over, my son threw a tantrum and did not want to go, and when he
got there my husband said he just sat on the floor not talking or playing
(very unusual for my son) and said he wanted to come home to mommy but
wouldn't talk to me on the phone. I understand there will be adjustments to
this but I don't know how to talk to my son about this. When I asked him why
he wanted to come home (which we let him do the 2nd night) he said he didn't
love daddy. When my husband dropped him off and we went outside to talk my
husband was crying and didn't know how to talk to him about it either. Do
you have any advice? 
thank you
worried mommy
 
Dear Worried Mommy:
        It seems obvious to me that you are aware that your young son has
been impacted by his father's long absence.  No doubt with all the excited
anticipation of his dad returnign from Iraq only to have him move out of the
home after a week due to marital separation, your son is confused, upset and
bewildered.  It is so hard for children his age to understand their feelings
so asking them "why" they feel a certain way tends not to give you
information that you really can use to help your child. I suspect that your
son is overwhelmed and he may feel like it is his daddy's fault that things
have happened the way that they have.  What you and your husband need to do
right now is to simply remind you son, as much as seems necessary, that you
both love him and that he is wanted and safe in both homes.  I suggest that
you try hard not to give into his trantrums and his moods and, instead, that
when you've decided he'll be at dad's house that he stays at dad's house.
He will benefit from seeing that he can master and overcome his feelings.
That will leave him feeling more secure and give him a greater sense of
self-control.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am the mother of a 11 year old daughter.  I have been a single
parent to her since her father and I divorced 10.5 years ago.  He is in the
military and has always moved around quite a bit.  Almost a year ago, he
moved closer to where my daughter and I live and explained that the reason
was.."in order to be closer to her".  He asked me to put together a
visitation agreement that we could both live with and I did (8 months ago).
That agreement basically stipulated one visit per month, with more to follow
once everyone adjusted to that schedule.  Well, in the 8 months that he's
lived closer, he's visited with her about once every other month and even
then it was late Sat afternoon to Sun.  Sometimes Sat afternoon only. 
        Now, I'm extremely frustrated because he has yet to sign or agree to
the plan that I sent.  He says that he's going to sign it but the bottom
line is "If I havn't received it back signed from him in all this time, it
doesn't look hopeful."  I think he is only  interested in seeing our
daughter when its convenient for his schedule.  He has remarried and has
another child with his current wife. 
        I don't want to force the issue, but I really feel like my daughter
is getting the short end of the stick and I'm extremely frustrated about
this.  I don't want to withhold visitation or take him to court, but I'm
starting to feel as though I have no other choice. 
Please Help!!!
Thank You,
 
Dear Mom:       
        I understand your frustration, particularly on behalf of your
daughter.  Certainly she deserves to have a father who is consistent and
available to her on a predictable basis.  My heart goes out to her.  But why
do you have to take him to Court?  Do you think a court is going to force
the father to see his daughter? I doub that very very much.  And why would
you withhold visitation when he does exercise the time you've agreed to?  I
know it is tempting but try not to be vindictive to the father because he is
being inconsistent with the child.  If you feel that your daughter is
getting the short end of the stick by virtue of her father not exercising
all of his custodial time, how would it benefit her for you to withhold
visitation? 
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My husband and I are in the midst of our divorce and the only
unresolved issue we have is agreeing to a parenting plan.
Our situation is unique because my husband is a firefighter and we are
having a very hard time coming up with a parenting plan that fits our
differing schedules and that also promotes the best possible situation for
our four-year-old daughter.  I am hoping that with your experience, you may
have some insight or examples to draw from on what other parents in this
situation may have done.
        My husband's schedule is as follows: One 24-hour day on (7am - 7am),
two days off, One 24-hour day on (7am - 7am), four days off.  Then he works
random "debit" days 1 to 2 times/month.  On his days off from the fire
department, he works construction.  My work schedule is flexible in that I
can take time off for our daughter's needs, work from home occasionally,
etc. but is the typical Mon-Fri, 8-5.  My husband's proposal (which he
refuses to deviate from) is a 4-4 proposal where he would have our daughter
every time he has four days off.  I would have her the other four.  My issue
with this is that I would (as would he) miss 4 weekends in a row every other
month - the weekends being the most quality time my daughter has with me.
As well, this schedule has no consistency to it as far as days of the week
(I would think that when schooling and homework come in to play, this would
be very difficult) - not to mention the day-to-day schedule management, nor
does it allow for a primary residency - both of which I feel are important
based on everything I've read.  As a side note, we also live approximately
70 miles apart, but have had no issue ensuring time for each other with our
daughter.
        I have always been the primary parent although my husband has had an
active roll in raising our daughter. However, I definitely realize the value
and importance of my husband being an integral part of our daughter's life
with regard to her self esteem, future social behavior patterns, "all of the
above".  I also have a very close relationship with my own father and can't
imagine being denied that.  So, any ideas on how we might make a parenting
plan work with the schedules being what they are, taking into account what
is best for our daughter?  Perhaps you've been involved in another
firefighter's case?  Is there an approach I can take that will avoid a
battle in court (so far I see no action toward compromise)?  What are your
thoughts on the proposed 4-4 schedule as far as the impact on our daughter?
 
Any help you can offer is appreciated.  Thank you.


 

Dear Mom:
        Yes, I've worked with families in which a parent was a fire fighter
and so I am aware of how the work schedule of such a person impacts
parenting plans.  You're right...the 4-4 plan he proposes is not ideal in
terms of the consistency of days and the predictability of things in the
same way that would be possible if he worked a more "normal" scheudle.
However, it is what it is and you have to work with what is.  I often tell
parents that children will adjust to and accept whatever parenting plan both
parents are comfortable with and are willing to work with. The impact of
having increased and prolonged conflict certainly has to outweigh having an
"atypical" parenting plan assuming you truly are OK and feel it is
appropriate for you and your husband to each have the child approximately
50% of the time.  I hope this helps.
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr.Simon:
        I found your name this morning while browsing the internet to
research books or
for someone to help me with introducing my children to stepchildren.
Here's the situation: My husband has a son named Alex, age 7, from a
previous relationship.
We haven't been in his life as much (I've met him twice and my husband
has met him about 5-6 times.  My husband's parents are more active in his
life
as he goes to see them every summer.   This coming June, my husband's
parents are having a 40th wedding anniversary
in Ohio and wanted Alex to be there. His ex-girlfriend called last night and
suggested that we spend a few days with him
(we live in San Diego and she lives in Arizona) before flying out to Ohio.
The concern I have is this.  We have two children (both girls) together, age
2 1/2 and 4 1/2 months.
We have never discussed Alex to our 2 1/2 year old because we didn't think
the introduction
would happen so soon.  We knew eventually she would be told and we had ever
intention
of telling her.  First off, do you think she's too young to understand?  
If not, what is the best way of going about this?
Thanks for your time.
Sophie


 

Dear Sophie:
        I would suspect that your 2 1/2 year old is too young to truly
understand what Alex represents in her life at this point.  Therefore, I
don't think that discussing the matter with your daughter will be
particularly difficult for her or upsetting to her.  She is quite likely to
simply take it in stride, to the extent that she does understand it, or to
show little interest in the matter.  However, it is clear that what has
become obvious to you is that you really must set about the task of being
more open and honest about these realities.  Keep in mind that the earlier
you begin to make this fact eviden in a way that is appropriate for her
development, the more "normalized" it will be for the other children.  Like
anything in life, the more you fear it, the more your children will fear it
or misinterpret it. With that, enjoy the trip and the 40th wedding
anniversary!


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        In the past I have been in two very unhealthy relationships. In the
first one I had my son, whom is now 11.  I have been in a new relationship
for the past year.  This is the first healthy one I have ever been in.  He
is very kind and does everything he can for us. ( we have been living as a
family for about 5months now) He took a traveling job and we moved from TX
to MD two weeks ago.  My son does have some anger problems, which has gotten
over 90% better since I have started dating this man.   So, this is what has
happened:  When we got to MD the company gave us housing in a very bad area.
I do not feel safe sending him to school and He agrees, so we are
homeschooling.  Plus we are living in a much smaller home.  This has been
harder on Will (boyfriend) because he is used to having a alot of space and
really is not used to having a child around full-time. ( He has a 12 year
old son him self, whom he only see 2 times a month)  last night there were
kids running around trying to start trouble and Will told my son to come in
the house.  My son got so mad he broke Will's TV control.  Then last night
Will asked me what I thought about maybe sending my son to live with my
sister.  I could not believe he said that!!   I told him That if things were
that bad for him then maybe my son and I should move back home.  He said no,
things are not to the point where he wants to break up.  He told me he was
sorry, it was just a idea.   I have mixed feelings about this.  How should
I read into this?  I feel that if he  loves me he should love everything
about me, even my son!!  Not sure what to say or do about this.???
 
Teresa


 

Dear Teresa:
        You are dealing with one of the realities of belended families: the
adults in the family have fundamentally different relationships with the
children.  This is your son, not your boyfriend's son.  It isn't reasonable
for him to have the same feelings or to "love everything about him".  On the
other hand, it seems that his reaction to your son breaking his remote
control is a bit overblown.  I, too, would be concerned about his reaction
but it sounds like you two talked through it.  Be patient and realize that
bringing a new family together isn't easy and will require work on
everyone's part.  What with all of you being in a new  community on top of
it, the stress is even higher.  So be patient, talk things through and
recognize that there is some major adjustement to accomplish.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My husband and I have been divorced for over a year now.  We have
been through an evaluation for custody of our 4 year old daughter.  He has
since re-married and has a new daughter that was born in Feb. 2005.  Some
things my daughter has said to me has caused me a little concern.  The first
instance was as I was giving her a bath a few months back, I told her to
wash her vagina and handed her the cloth.  She said no mommy, I have to do
it like daddy does with his hand.  After a few times giving her a bath and
her saying the same thing, I asked her if her daddy washed her whole body
with his hand and she said no just down there mommy.  Then a few weeks
later, he gives me this very picture of her he had taken.  She was laid out
on a blanket in the backyard in a tank top with her hair all messed up and
thrown over to the side and was resting her head on her hand.  It was a
black and white picture and she didn't look like a 4 year old.  It looked
like a picture a man would take of his girlfriend, not his daughter.  Then
last night she told me that she had taken a shower with her daddy.  I had
asked him when she was 3 to stop bathing with her because she was starting
to notice things that she didn't have.  All of this has happened since I
asked him not to bathe with her.  Do you think this is behavior I should be
concerned about or is he just using poor judgment?  I feel it is
inappropriate.  Am I overreacting?  Please help.
A concerned mom.


 

Dear Mom:
        Certainly it sounds like it would help if you spoke with your former
husband and shared what you've been told with him and what your concerns
are.  It is so easy to "read into" situations when you aren't sure, are
anxious or get partial information.  So I'd talk to him and see how he
responds. Certainly if nothing is wrong, one would hope he'd express concern
and a spirit of cooperation with regard to resolving whatever is amiss.
Just remember that you want to approach him in an open manner without making
assumptions or coming from a place of blame or accusation.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a question for you, hopefully you can answer it for me.   My
8 yr old son came home today after the weekend with his father and
step-mother.  He informed me that his step-mother spanked him.  I am not OK
with this , I do not spank my children and I do not believe in corporal
punishment.  Is this legal or do you know what I can do about this.  This is
the third time that he has told me this has happened.  Please help, I am
feeling quite desperate.
Thank you, Ramey


 

Dear Ramey:
        I am not aware of any laws that prohibit a step-parent from spanking
a child. However, it is easy to understand why you are alarmed about this.
Of course, I think it is important to realize that sometimes children
dramatize things that take place in the other parent's home so before you go
too far, be sure to check out his statements and discuss your concerns with
your son's father.  Assuming that you and the child's father agree that the
use of corporal punishment is inappropriate, the real problem your child has
is that his father is not able to exert appropriate influence over his wife
with regard to your son.  Try and keep the discussion on this level and do
everything possible to resolve the problem without resorting to legal
solutions through family court.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am dating a woman (44) who, at the first of our relationship
(about 2years ago) made it a practice to take turns letting her sons sleep
with her in her bed (at the time 9 and 12).  The boys are now 11 and 14.
Shortly after we began dating, a counselor she saw one time with the oldest
son told her she should stop the practice of sharing a bed with her sons.
        Since then, it is not a regular occurrence, but does still occur.
At times, if one son so much as has a cold, that is reason enough to share
her bed.
        This seems rather odd to me, and without going into the emotions I
feel each time I learn of this occurring, I have a question.  Is the
practice of co-sleeping (and sometimes spooning) by a teen-aged or pre-teen
son and his mother, a healthy thing for the development of the child?
 
Any comments would be greatly appreciated.


 

Hello and thank you for writing:
        It has been my experience that emotionally needy adults often turn
to their children to meet their emotional needs, especially in the aftermath
of divorce.  While co-sleeping is a culturally sanctioned occurrence in some
cultures, it is not something most parents in our culture do.  That said,
"spooning" is a very intimate way for two people to sleep together, one that
is reserved for romantic and sexually intimate partners.  It is my opinion
that sleeping in such a fashion is not appropropriate for the child or, for
that matter, for the adult.  I would be concerned that this gives the wrong
message about interpersonal boundaries and that if this is part of pattern
of other ways of keeping children inappropriately emotionally close to a
parent, may interfere with their feeling comfortable about becoming more
independent and autonomous in their lives. 
        Thanks for writing and best wishes.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:

My ex-husband has a girlfriend who seems to be pulling incidents to get us
into court. It seems like she is addicted to the drama of court and can not
live without it. Have you ever heard of anything like it?
 
She admitted that she already spent $21,000 on court with her ex (2nd
marriage). I think she needs to be in court and purposely chose my ex
because he has a shaky relationship with me and we have already had one
custody battle.
She seems to be perpetrating things and instigating events to get us into
court such as:
 
. She pierced my daughter's ears after knowing her 3 months (daughter 7 at
the time).
   When she took my daughter to get her ears pierced my daughter told me she
had to tell a "white lie" saying she was my daughter's mom.
   I have the document she signed saying she was the mother . She
highlighted my daughter's hair twice.
. She made flight arrangements to keep my daughter out of school 4 school
days past Christmas break was over.
. She e-mailed me threatening to report me to child protective services for
sending my ex husband "controlling" e-mails.
. She reads all emails I send to my ex and responds to them as though they
are written to her.
. She picked my daughter up 1/2 hour late from school when the staff wanted
to leave.
. She made an appointment for a "pastoral" counselor for my daughter in her
religion.

 

All of this in 4 months time.
Yes I did file to take him back to court.
He has also kept my daughter out of school and forced my daughter to lie to
me on the phone as to why she was staying home.
We went to a PhD today for my daughter and when I told her about him forcing
my daughter to lie she actually excused it and could not see why this made
me angry. I got so angry I yelled at this counselor. It was an initial visit
for our daughter (my daughter was not present). I tried to explain that I
try to teach my daughter character traits such a s honesty and
trustworthiness and have to correct the dad's lying and forcing my daughter
to lie. The woman acted like he did no wrong. Was she trying to get me angry
to see if I would go nuts? I'm afraid I screwed up by yelling in her office.

 

I told the counselor her dad was a compulsive lier (he is). My daughter's
father walked out of the office while calling me a psycho.
 
I know this is long. But this has me up at 3AM worrying.  Any help is
appreciated
JoEllen


 

Dear JoEllen:
        I've heard many judges and attorneys remark that for some people,
going to Court seems to be the highlight of their month.  I'm not familiar
with any research that looks at whether there is a "syndrome" or "disorder"
of this nature. Suffice it to say that without quesiton, some people look at
the courtroom as a place to vindicate themselves, play out their hostilities
or otherwise create havoc.  Perhaps you are in one of those situaitons but I
suggest you not focus on that. Instead, I suggest that you focus on whether
or not your child's best interests and well being are served while in the
care and custody of her father.  From what you state in your letter, his
current girlfriend is, to say the least, a loose canon.  Nevertheless, keep
in mind that she can't go off half-cocked without the consent of your
child's father.  So, ultimatley, your focus needs to be on his allowing
these things to take place rather than being on the girlfriend per se.
Remember, this girlfriend may or may not be around over the long haul but
her father, who allows these kinds of things to unfold, will be. 
        If you do not have a qualified and experienced family law attorney
working for you, I strongly suggest that you sit down with an attorney of
this nature in your area and explain what is taking place.  See what action
and steps this attorney suggests to help remedy the problems.  I suspect
there is a good deal that can be done if you are able to demonstrate the the
Court that your child's father is allowing your child to be exposed to the
types of situations and interactions you are describing.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 
        Fourteen years ago I married a woman who had a nine year son. From
our conversations I came to the conclusion that she had a co-dependent
relationship with her first husband. After a while I noted that her
relationship with her son was the same as she used to have with her
ex-husband. I have been telling her that she in emotionally married to her
son. Her son was diagnosed with ADD when he was ten. My wife never has been
tested for ADD but she behaves like her son so I am assuming she also has
ADD.  The boy is now 24 and recently quit college and moved back home with
us. I am trying to stay neutral to avoid conflict but it is killing me. Is
there such a thing as a mother been emotionally married to her son? In other
words is the son replacing her ex-husband?
 
Thank you,
 
Curt
 
Dear Curt:
        There certainly is such a thing as a parent being emotionally
dependent upon a child or emotionally overinvolved with a child. The
dynamics of this overinvolvement can vary, of course.  I can't advise you as
to what might be going on in your case.  I applaud your attempts to stay
emotionally neutral and supportive of your wife.  At the same time, if you
are concerned about your wife's well being and the impact of her son's
struggles on her, it seems that as her husband it is your place to let your
wife know what you see and what concerns you.  Also, since this child is an
adult, I think you have a greater cause to worry and I bet that you don't
want to think of yourself as playing a role in this young man's growing more
incompetent and dependent. 
        Talk to your wife about your concerns for her and let her know the
impact that the son's presence in the home is having on you and on your
marriage.  That's where I'd start.
        Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have been divorced for a year now and we've both moved on and have
been getting along fairly well and I think he is a good father.  My two
pre-school daughters were introduced to his new girlfriend about three weeks
ago.  My 4-year old told me about the four of them sleeping in the same
bedroom.  I asked my ex-husband if this was true, and after some hesitation
on his part, was astounded when he admitted this was true.  He defended
himself saying that the girls have their own bed and he and his girlfriend
stay fully clothed, etc..  He has a two bedroom apartment with a roommate
who has one of the bedrooms, so he has his a queen bed and a little twin bed
next to it. 
        Although everyone has different morals, I feel it is extremely
inappropriate for him, his new girlfriend, and our two young daughters to
all sleep in the same bedroom. I explained my feelings on this to him and
since he has visitation about 3 nights a week, I asked if he could make sure
that on those three nights he not sleep with all of them in the same room.
First of all, they just met and who knows if she would be in his life for
the long haul.  Secondly, the children should never be sleeping in the same
room with them. 
        He says he can live his life how he pleases as long as he is not
causing the girls any harm.  I think it is the wrong message to send to our
precious children. 
Since our divorce, I have dated and am in a serious relationship but would
never dream of having a man in the same bedroom as my children.  While I
think courts are the last resort, I think it is wrong.  What is your
opionion?
 
Thank you.
 
-Erika
 
Dear Erika:
        Thanks for writing. Simply put, I agree with you.  I also agree with
you that Court is a last resort so I would encourage you to try harder to
communicate with your children's father and explain your concerns to him
without criticizing him or putting him down. 
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I stumbled onto your site quite by accident while I was searching
for articles relating to my problem.  I hope you will be able to offer me
some type of advice or at least some pionts to consider that I may have
overlooked. 
        Five years ago, I wsa on the verge of ending a 3 year relationship.
He was going to prison (for trafficking) and I had decided that once he was
gone I would be moving back to my home town and that would be it.  A few
weeks after he went away I found out that I was pregnant.  The next time he
called, I told him.  He asked me to have an abortion.  I said, "no".  I told
him to give it a few days to sink in and figure out if he wanted to be a
part of this baby's life.  But he was either completely "in" or completely
"out".  No popping in and out of the baby's life.  10 minutes after the
call, his mother phoned to say congratulations. 
        As his "time" passed (approx 1 1/2 yr) we remained a couple.  But he
wasen't doing to well on the rehabilitation part of his sentance.  When
Riley was 3mo old, I took him to meet his "dad".  There he blew up because I
has to feed the baby and was not concentrating on him.  That was when I
decided that I would rather be a single parent than have to deal with drugs
and a man who would be jelous of the time I had to spend with his son.  We
broke up and I moved closer to my family.
        The last conversation that I had with him (Riley was 1yr) was when
he was served with Child Support Papers/Custody (I didn't even want this
from him but it was required in order for me to go back to work and get
subsidised daycare).  This was when he told me that I knew from the
beginning that he never wanted kids and Riley was my problem".  Well he was
ordered to pay and has on occassion.
        I have been married for 2 years and Riley has just turned 5 and has
recieved a total of 1 christmas gift and 2 birthday gifts from this man and
has seen him 3 times (before age 2) including the first visit.  Now he's
sent another birthday card with money.  And Riley always askes who gave him
the gifts he recieves.
        What I'm wondering is when is the appropriate time to explain about
"dad" and "step-dad"(he calls my husband dad).  I always intended to explain
the situation to him when the time was right.  I just don't know when that
time is. Or how to do it.  I'm afraid telling him may lead to him wanting to
meet Chris (which I am against, at this point in his life) or interfere with
the relationship he is building with my husband.
        In all honesty, I thought Chris would just disappear, but I do keep
in contact with his parents and Riley knows he has alot of grandparents,
he's just never questioned how they fit.   I don't hate Chris, I've just
made some bad choices in my life and I don't want Riley to suffer because of
them.  I know he is still into drugs and when we were together he had no
respect for anyone or anything and it was always "someone else's fault" that
he got caught, that he was in jail, etc.  Not exactly the attitudes I want
passed onto my son.
        My husband is supportive in whatever I decide, but I am getting alot
of pressure from other family members (some for and some against) and I just
want to do what is best for my child and do the least amount of emotional
damage possible.


 

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.


 

Bernadette 


 

Dear Bernadette:
        Thanks so much for writing. I'm glad you found my website.  Your
situation is complicated and very emotional, no question about that. It is
emotional for you, for your husband, for your son and for your son's father.
I don't there that there is a specific "right time" to tell a child about
this kind of situation.  Certainly, if he begins to ask questions, it is
important that you answer them as best you can without lying or misleading
but in a fashion that gives him the information he is asking for at a level
he can comprehend and use.
        As children develop, the tasks of identity formation and the
development of a sense of self goes through stages and phases.  This is
normal.  It is when such developmental issues are being worked on by the
child that they are more likely to have the "who am I" and "where did I come
from" concerns.  Your son is fortunate to have a mother who loves him and
that you have a husband who loves him and has taken responsibility for
helping raise him.  This will probably make it easier for your son to
integrate the reality of where he came from.  Certainly, I would not wait
too terribly long to bring the information to your son's attention if he
doesn't start asking questions first.  Although there is no hard and fast
rule, I would think it best to begin to introduce the concepts to him around
age 8 or 9 as he enters the "latency" phase of development, prior to
pre-adolescence. 
        It might make sense for you and your husband to sit down with a
qualified and experienced child psychologist who can get to know you more
personally, understand your situation more intimately and maybe even get
acquainted with your son.  This person can then offer you more specific
advise and can be supportive to you as you work through these issues.
        I hope this helps you.  Thanks again for writing.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am a parent of a 4 year old boy, his father and I divorced about
two years ago and I moved to from Texas to California when my son was about
2.  For the first year after the move his father would visit him every other
month and he spent a week with him over the holidays.  This last year
visitation and phone contact have been less frequent and he has only spent a
week with him since September 2004.  His Dad flies to LA, I meet him at the
airport, then he flies back with him visit his other grandparents in Kansas
and returns him to the airport to meet me after a week.  His father has
requested to have him visit for 3 months over the summer, he states the week
visit or weekends every so often are just not enough for him.  I have a
problem with sending my 4 year old to another state for 3 months.  I feel it
will disrupt his life and his normal routine.  My son  is pretty good about
going with his father and is happy to see him even after long periods of
time in the past, however recently he began refusing to talk to his father
over the phone and started to call my father (his grandfather) whom he
spends a lot of time with "Daddy".  He knows it's his grandpa but he still
refers to him as daddy and started referring to his father by his first
name?  It makes his father feel bad and I correct him but he still does it.
He has a step-father and calls him by his name, there is no confusion there.
We are expecting a new baby in August and I tried to explain to my
ex-husband that it is important that our son be here for the birth of his
new brother or sister so we can bond as a family and he can be included as
we transition with the new baby.  I guess what I am asking is what is the
appropriate amount of time a child of 4 should spend away from his home,
mother, pre-school & family?  I have sought legal counsel in accordance with
my custody agreement, but I want to know how this will affect him
psychologically?  I think 2 or 3 weeks max is fair at this age?  Please
Advise.


 

Thanks for you time.
Windy
 


 

Dear Windy:
        There are no hard and fast rules about the amount of time a child at
a particular age should spend with each parent.  There are many factors to
consider including the child's history with each parent, the nature of his
relationship with each parent, the degree and type of conflict between the
homes, the child's individual emotional/psychological needs and so forth.
Typically, experts suggest that the younger the child, the more frequent
contact should be with non-custodial parent but that these periods would be
for shorter periods of time, these periods of time becoming longer as the
child becomes older.  This is to help the child build a solid sense of
having a "home base".  As children become older, they are more and more able
to experience two homes, even two geographically separated homes, as dual
home bases. When they are younger, this is more difficult.  In your case, an
example of this priniciple would be for your son to see his father two or
three times during the summer for a couple weeks each time. 
        Thanks for writing.  I hope this helps.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Hi Dr. Simon :
I married a good man almost 2 years ago, and along with the marriage
came full custody of his daughter. I thought then it wouldn't be a problem.
My husband told me I could quit my job of 21 years to be a stay at home
mom...... I was so happy since I never had the chance to stay at home while
raising my own 2 (now grown children)! But now after 2 years I'm sick of the
situation.. my husband's ex doesn't pick up the child on a regular basis.
Only gives us a couple of hours notice when she is going to pick her up and
bring her home! (NO schedule around here!) Also, my husband never wanted
child support for his daughter, so the mom doesn't pay support, doesn't help
pay for school fees, ect... and leaves all the mother things to ME. I feel
trapped in this marriage. I feel like I'm living my life for everyone else.
I have tried several times to talk to my husband about these issues,
and he seems to "get out of it" some how, and the subject is sweeped under
the rug again!
I believe the mom should be MADE to pay support.. since we just purchased a
new home and now our finances need a little help... and my husband says I
might have to get a job again... I told him I don't mind helping out, but
untill he makes his ex pay support, I'm not getting a job after quiting my
job of 21 years!
I feel like I'm being used by my husband, and being made a fool out of by
his ex. She controls OUR lives!! (Mostly mine!!) Since I'm the one home and
my husband is working.
HELP!!!
Julie


Dear Julie:
What you have here, I think, is a marital problem. You have some
feelings about the way things are and your husband doesn't seem to be able
to listen to them, understand them or take them into account. Thing is,
however, that dealing with the child's mother is really your husband's job
and responsibility. You can let him know how you feel but it is up to him
to talk with her, deal with her and do what has to be done to make things
more reasonable. If he's not willing to do that, you have to decide what you
will do about your relationship with your husband. Not an easy situation to
be sure. But that's the reality of it. (By the way, the fact that you
purchased a new home doesn't obligate your husband's ex-wife to pay child
support. Child support is awarded by courts using various formulas. That
you choose to buy a house isn't something she is responsible. If she is
supposed to pay support and isn't paying support and your husband doesn't
get that order enforced but, instead, insists that you go back to
work...well...my dear...you have an even bigger marriage problem.)


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon,
My husband had 2 children by his first wife who is now deceased. I
adopted these children but they refer to their biological mother as "mommy
Lisa" - This really bothers me because they were too young to remember her
and she is NOT a mommy - I feel it's both confusing and unnecessary to call
her mommy. They call me mommy but I feel like they think they have 2 mommies
and they were raised (for 3 years) by a lot of different nannies so I think
it's confusing the role of what a mother truly is. I had a child coming
into this marriage and his biological father never saw him and signed away
his rights. My husband has adopted him and I don't refer to him as "daddy
Craig" - my husband thinks this is totally different because we weren't
married and Craig wasn't involved with his son. Am I being too sensitive?

Thanks,


Confused mommy



Dear Confused Mommy:
These children do have two mommies. One who is their biological
mother and one who is raising them. For them to refer to their biological
mother using the term that demonstrates that she is, in reality, their
mother, seems perfectly healthy to me. I think your worry and feeling
threatened is more the problem here. These children are understandbly
struggling to come to terms with and understand what has happened to them in
their lives and what this means to them. Relax. They can love you and still
love the memory of their biological mother.


Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:   
     My husband and his ex wife were married for about 2 years and had two
beautiful children together.  I met him when the children were 4 and 2
years.  They now of course are 9 and 7 years old.  In between those years
his ex has been in and out of jail numerous times from DUIs, four to be
exact, and a separate charge of "open alcoholic beverage."  She as also went
to jail for fraud of a state.  She has lived in and out of 11 different
places, none of which were hers.  The kids have seen her many times drinking
when they get up in the morning.  My husband has sole custody and during her
visits the children are left home alone and sometimes have to fend for
themselves.  We are now going through a court battle trying to push
"supervised visitation."  The children don't want to go and visit her.  The
start to cry and plead with us to not make them go.  What should we do?
Thank you M.
 
Dear M:
        Supervised visitation is used when it is felt by the Court that a
parent presents safety issues to the child(ren). The safety issues can be
physical safety or emotional/psychological safety. While her committing
fraud is criminal and not something that makes a parent look good, in and of
itself it may not present a safety issue for the children.  Certainly, a
parent leaving young children alone, drinking to the point of intoxication
while caring for the children and driving under the influence with children
in the car are saftey issues in my view.  I think you are doing what needs
to be done - specifically seeking the assistance of the Court to protect the
children.  By the way, leaving the children alone to fend for themselves
seems to present an immediate protective issue. Has anyone alerted Child
Protective Services in your area? 


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I fell pregnant whilst trapped in  a very emotionally abusive
relationship which I left in the 4th month of my pregnancy. I had hoped to
never see my ex boyfriend again as he is a dangerous and scary man, but he
took me to court when my daughter was 1. Under duress I ended up agreeing to
him having one hour or supervised visitation access per week. Over a two
month period he saw my daughter maybe 4 or 5 times then didn't contact us
again. I had court permission to move states, which my daughter and I did,
on the proviso that I notify him of my new contact details, which I did.
That was over 18 months ago and he has made no contact with us.
        My daugther is starting to ask questions about her father. In my
opinion she has no dad. How would you suggest I go about giving her the
information she is asking for?  Do I tell her that she has no dad but thats
ok, because some people live with a mum and dad, some with grandparents or
aunts and uncles, some with just a mum, some with just a dad etc?
I would appreciate some guidance in this delicate matter. 
S. Brown
 
Dear Ms. Brown:
        Thanks much for your letter.  Indeed, this is a very difficult and
delicate situation - we agree on that.  However, we don't agree on your
belief that your daughter doesn't have a dad.  Indeed, she does. While her
father may not be an involved or even a good parent, she has a father. If
she is asking for information, that means she wants/needs to know. To tell
her she has no father is the same as lying to her.  That isn't a good idea.
        My experience is that children in situations like your daughter's
can understand a great deal more than you are likely to give them credit
for.  I suggest that you tell her that her father was a man who was not
ready to be involved in her life because he had his own problems and issues
to sort out.  I would tell her many of the things you stated above about how
children have all sorts of families and living situations.  I would expect
her to feel some feelings that her father is not present and no matter how
hard it is for you, I'd be empathic and understanding of her feelings (for
example, if she says she is sad that her father is not around, I'd tell her
that I understood her feelings - I would not tell her not to be sad).  Your
daughter making sense of the reality of who her father is will be a process
and not an event and it will unfold over time.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Due to a number of circumstances which are too complicated to go
into, my husband has not seen his son in 8 years.  His son is now 13 years
old.  We are now back in court. Do you see any hope of the court ordering
visitation after this much time?  What would be the best way for a 13 year
old to begin seeing his father after such a long period of time? 
 
Dear Stepmom:
        Since I don't know the circumstances and reasons that your husband
and his son have not seen one another in 8 years, it is hard to know the
likelihood of a court ordering reunification visits.  I understand that your
husband must be hurt and upset about not seeing his son but it is important
to remember that it is the son's well being that is of concern to the court
first and foremost.  Conventional wisdom is that it is best for children to
know both parents and to have a relationship with both parents.  If we
assume that there are no compelling reasons for this young man not to become
re-acquainted with his father, the best way to proceed would be with the
guidance and support of a trained and experienced therapist at the helm.
This person's job would be to facilitate re-introduction and communication
between the parent and the child.  It is to be expected that the 13 year old
boy would have fears/anxieiteis about misconceptions about his father.  It
would be expected that his father would be quite concerned about being
understood and accepted by the son.  So both parties would have their
worries.  Nevertheless, the therapist would maintain a primary focus on
making sure that the 13 year old proceeded at a pace that was comfortable
for him and that the youngster did not become overwhelmed. While this may
turn out to be slower than the father would like, that is how things must
proceed if they are to succeed.
        Thank you for writing and best wishes to all of you.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I’m 43 have 3 children (twins 16 ­ boy/girl) and a 12 year old son.
I’ve been divorced twice now.  My first marriage was to my children’s father
­ he has been out of the picture for 12 years.  I then married a man and was
married for 9 years ­ it ended because of his affairs ­ and then after he
moved out ­ my daughter confronted in me that he had been molesting her for
years ­ although I have tried ­ not criminal charges have been made against
him.  My kids are good kids, even after all they have been through.  They
are excellent students, they do not run around and get in trouble and are
very attached to me.
        This past September I started dating a widower that I work with ...
he contacted me I had not known him.  He is 45 and I am 43.  I had seen some
red flags with him immediately ­ dating 5 weeks after his wife’s death, very
controlling, moving very fast in the relationship.  He asked me to marry him
and gave me an engagement ring on Christmas, which I accepted because I was
so flattered.  My kids had a complete fit ... they say they hate him ...
he’s an idiot ... and they will never accept him. 
        My fiancé and myself are now on the outs ... of course.  I love him
and although I see these bad traits ­ I feel empty without him around.  But,
I know that this would devastate my children.  How can I let go and
understand where my kids are coming from.

Very Sad in Fort Wayne,
Elyse
 
Dear Elyse:
        It is not up to children to determine who their parents date or
marry since this is an adult decision. However, it seems that your children
are sending you signals that confirm what you, yourself, are aware of.
There are red flags about this man and about you.  You are so afraid to be
alone and to feel empty that you are apparently willing to involve yourself
with someone who you know, deep within yourself, is not coming from a good
place with regard to you.  Until you feel complete within yourself, you are
likely to continue to be attracted to men who are controlling and who
perceive your dependency as an opportunity to take over your life.  You say
you have good kids...somehow they have learned how to separate the wheat
from the chaff.  Understand that they are so clearly on your side and that
their not accepting him is probably one of the greatest gifts they can give
to you, especially if it keeps you from getting involved with another loser.


 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Doctor Simon:
        I have a stepchild that has hated me for 7+years. He believed I was
responsible for his mom's drinking habit which caused her to lose custody.
He has admited this problem in 2004, but still causes problems. He lies all
the time. He can't remember anything or chooses not to he is on Adderall. He
lied that I hurt him, he admitted that he lied. He has ruined, stolen my
belongings. My son's knives, my daughters CD's. Kills frogs. Set a fire at
mom's boyfriends. Been bitten twice by dogs (teasing and running). His
father makes me watch him way too often so he can fish and hunt. His mom is
an admitted alcoholic, spent time in jail and prison recently and is now
out. Mom could be undermining our relationship. My husbands parents
undermine our relationship. Help we've been married almost 8 yrs. received
custody 7 1/2 yrs ago How do I cope? Mom in Sterling, OH.

Dear Mom:
        This child needs psychological help and pronto!  These are very very
worriesome symptoms to me.  Now, you said that his father "makes you" watch
him while he hunts and fishes. MAKES YOU?  Hmmm...how can he make you?  If
this were my son and he had these problems, I might think about spending a
bit more time with him although I doubt that's the major issue here.  But
please, don't play victim here and say he makes you.  You can say no!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My daughter, who will be 17 soon, is living with her father and has
lived there for the last year. In that year, she refused to talk to me, or
see me. On several occasions, she has contacted me just to call me names,
make up lies, and just hurt me. The last time was last week. She called and
said that I was a horrible mother, I couldn't provide for her the way her
father and new wife can, I was just a name on her birth certificate, I was
just a "piece of crap" on the bottom of her shoe, and if she saw me anywhere
in passing she would walk by like she had know idea who I was. I have done
so many things trying to talk to my daughter. When discussing her behavior
with her father, I get know where. He doesn't want to be in the middle. All
of this happened because she was punished for lying when she lived with me.
The punishment was to lose her cell phone for one week. She has been going
to counseling for the last few months, although I don't think this is
helping. I can't talk with her father.
        My question is.. I am making myself sick over this child trying to
be apart of her life. I feel like I am hurting myself by trying so hard, and
can see that this is also hurting her brother (12 years old living with me).
My thought is to leave her alone, not try to have a relationship or contact
with her until she comes around.  I have no idea what to do.
 
Any suggestions?? 
 
Thanks
C
 
Dear C:
        I think you are probably right about giving your daughter space and
allowing her to work through her anger at you.  However, I think you need to
be much more honest with yourself.  Do you really think a child who has had
a truly good realationshipo with her mother would go ballistic just because
of one punishment? I don't. My guess is that there is more to this situation
and story that you let on or can allow yourself to acknoweldge. 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr Simon:
        My 16 year old daughter wants to end the visitation with her father.
They do not get along at all and everytime they are together they're
arguing.  Her father is now remarried and the wife yells at my daughter.  My
daughter is extremely unhappy,  I have a lawyer hired but she tells me that
my ex-husband could fight me and it could cost us thousands of dollars.
What right's does she have? I feel like I'm letting her down because I'm not
helping her. 
My daughter was in tears again tonight when she called me from her fathers,
I'm afraid of what this will do to her.


Dear Mom:
        I can't tell you what rights your daugther has because I'm not an
attorney and because rights vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.  I can
say that it concerns me when children the age of your daugther are forced to
spend time with a parent against his/her will (assuming, of course, that the
teen has formed their own opinion and has not been manipulated by one parent
against the other).  Forcing a child of this age inevitably results in a
worsening of the child with the parent they wish to spend less time with. It
results in angry, hostile and often defiant teenagers.  My experience in 20
years of working in the area of child custody is that courts typically defer
to the wishes of a 16 year old who is thought to be mature, clear-thinking
and who has come to their opinion on their own.  Your attorney is right - it
can be expensive and it can get nasty - but with children this age that is
the exception rather than the rule.

Best wishes and thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I need your help.  My son who is 15 years old does not like my
boyfriend of 3 months.  My boyfriend lives about 3 hours away from us and
just comes in on the weekend and stays the nights with us.  My son does not
like having him there.  I asked him why he doesn't like him and he just
shrugs his shoulders.  I have been divorced for 4 years but he was not my
sons real father.  We have lived alone for 4 years.  I don't know if we
being alone with no male in the house has affected him or not.  When my
boyfriend is there my son just stays in his room and does not come out.  I
know I made I made a big mistake.  I let my boyfriend go to my bedroom with
me and my son saw that.  I wish I had not done that because that upset him
terribly.   I ask him one day don't you want me to have a boyfriend and he
said no.  I just don't know what to do.  I get really lonely for
companionship.
 
Thanks


Dear Mom:
        I suspect your son feels uncomfortable about having someone who is,
to him, a stranger, spend the night in your home.  We have to be very
sensitive to the needs of our children when we, as single parents, begin to
date and when we wish to move new relationships to the next level.
Especially when children are teenagers, it makes sense to talk with them and
include them, in an appropriate way, when you decide to have someone you are
dating stay over night.  Sometimes our children experience a resurgence in
feeling of grief and loss when we begin to date because this represents, in
a very real way, the end of the parental relationship all over again.  Since
your boyfriend lives so far away, I know it is hard to have time together
and have him not stay in your home.  I understand that you get really lonely
for companionship and, of course, your needs count too.  Yet, remember your
15 year old is still young and immature.  His needs still need to come first
over yours. That's what being a parent is all about.

Best Wishes. 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dr. Simon:
        I need help, I have recently re-married, I have a 13 Yr. old Son,
who has a good healty relationship with his new step-dad. My new husband has
a 15 year old daughter. Both children live with us. My step-daughter, prior
to the new marrage, was living with her biological mom (who was also single
until recently) and had alternating weekends with her dad.
        The problem: She lives with us now and whenever my husband an I hold
hands and show affection to each other, she get jealous. She will not leave
him alone with me, she hangs on him when she can, when in public if we are
holding hands, she either walks 20 feet away from us and pouts or if we
pause a moment to look at something she will lean against his back.
In the house, when he is home, she is all over him. When we shut a door for
privacy, she knocks every ten minutes or so, she has even come in and layed
down in bed with us, the long extended hugs and her way of showing possesion
of him is starting to wear on me, and is causing problems in our new
marrage. When he is not home , she breaks every house rule, tells her dad
she cant keep" walking on glass" around me. She has begun drinking, doing
drugs, sneeking prescription drugs from friends houses - she has had the
nerve to ask me what half a xanax would do for her stress, put on her by me.
She will not talk to a cousenlor and blames her unhappines on me. I have
tried to be patient, but the end is near. Books and online refrence have not
helped, she is stubborn and unwilling to cooperate. We have reasured her
that I am not replacing her mom or stealing her dad.    Please help


Dear Stepmom:
        This sounds like a young lady who has probably needed some
psychological assistance for some time now.  Nevertheless, I have a strong
suspicion that I'm not getting the entire story. Why did she move out from
her mother's house and in with you?  Where there problems there as well?
There is more going on here than you are sharing. 
        There is probably no easy solution to your problem. But I will tell
you this...her father must lay down the law in as clear, precise and concise
way as possible. That's right, her father.  Not you.  He needs to tell her
what the limits are, what the consequences are for not respecting them and
what the rewards are for respecting them.  He needs to do the parenting of
this issue.  And by the way, if she is drinking and doing drugs, might it be
time to deal with those issues first?  Certainly as long as she is abusing
substances, the ability to bring about positive changes on the other issues
is just about nil.  Your job, stepmom, is to remain neutral when it comes to
all of this at least in terms of your interactions with the child.  

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am a step-mom to an 11.5 yr old boy. I have 5 boys of my own from
a previous marriage. My husband and I have custody of all the children. My
dilemma is this; My step-son who was an only child in his dads home (until 2
yrs ago) and oldest child in moms home; cries frequently. He bursts into
tears at the drop of a hat. I have spoken to his father at length about
this, as I do not know what to do to help the situation. His dad (my
husband) states that he's always been like this, not to be concerned. It's
very difficult for me as I'm the one doing most of the parenting because I
stay at home, while my husband works outside the home. I've become
increasingly frustrated with this situation as it's very hard to deal with a
crying child of his age. His crying fits sometime lead to other things, like
refusing to do a task (chore) or getting ready for school, so in turn
missing the bus. This also leads to more frustration on my part. Anything
can set this child off, missing a sock, forgetting to do a homework
assignment, having a class in school that he doesn't like, having a cough or
illness... it really doesn't matter, he just cries and whines a lot. My
children, surprisingly have not said much about this, but they have begun to
question me. I should mention that my step-son says he cries at school too,
at least once a day. On one occassion he was so upset (about having a cough)
that the school phoned us and had us come pick him up, due to his
unstoppable crying episodes. Help.  What do we do? Is this normal for a
child his age? 
 
Lanette


Dear Lanette:
        Thank you for writing.  This sounds like a very worriesome situation
to me.  No, it is not normal for a child who is 11 1/2 to have uncontrolled
crying spells or to cry so easily/frequently.  It may be that he has "always
been this way", but I do not see this as normal behavior or a child his age.
There could be numerous issues/factors contributing to the situation - I'm
sure you've got some of your own ideas about this.  What I want you to do,
right away, is schedule an appointment for this child to see a qualified and
experienced child psychologist in your area.  He deserves and appears to
require assessment and consultation with a professional who can help
everyone understand what is going on and begin the process of helping things
get better.  Best wishes and thanks again for your letter. 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        First let me state that you are one of the most leveled headed
individual that I have read. I am a 33 year old divorce father of a 5 year
old.  I have joint legal custody and have an impossible time communicating
with my daughters mother. I live 350 miles away from my daughter and until
recentley we (daughter and I) were able to share 38% of our time together.
Her mother remarried 6 months after our divorce and moved in with him one
month after the divorce. He is very well to do financially and about 17
years older then my daughters mother. I have been taken to court 9 times in
3 years.  The last two times I went pro se and got beat up pretty good last
time. I was very ill-prepared completely my responsiblity. Her mother has
not allowed court ordered telephonic visitation for one year.  She has
stated that my daughter's  her  child psychologist told her to stop phone
calls.. Beside the phone calls I have more then 175 violations against her
mother. I just recentley received the psychologists's phone number that was
seeing my daughter.  I called him and ask for all of the records to sent to
me, and he informed me that my daughter will be in the see him next month
after 15 months and he would never tell a parent to stop phone calls with
the other parent. He told me she had adjustment disorder, her visits with
the doctor were always one week after she returned to her mother.
        My daughter is always extremely happy at home with me, and cries
regularly on the phone when I was able to call "I want to come home daddy"
and other things like that. After I called her mothers attorney and informed
him of my plans regarding court, her mother allowed us the talk on Christmas
day.  The next day I called back (visitation order), the answering machine
said, "I listen to you phone call with my daughter and I have decided if you
want to talk to her take me to court." The next day her mother made an
appointment to see the psychologist. 
        How can our child possibly be able to show her concerns to the
doctor with her mother and her husband right there beside her?  Any
suggestions on this whole mess. I am taking her mother to court and
malicious mother sydrome is one of many things I can prove along with
others.  Our child needs help what can I do to help. Gaurdian ad litem what
else? Thank you

Brandon


Dear Brandon:   
        Thanks for writing.  You're right. From what you say, your sitaution
is a mess and not one that tends to be easy to clean up. I have never heard
the term "Malicious Mother Syndrome". Where did you hear it?  I'd be careful
about using it in Court unless it is a scientifically tested term that
stands up. This is beacause the term "syndrome" has a specific meaning, that
being, according to Webster, "A group of symptoms occurring together that
are characteristic and indicative of some underlying cause, such as a
disease". Instead, I'd simply describe the many problmes you've had,
describe the mother's behavior and describe your daugther's statements and
behavior.  I think that this makes things very clear in a more compelling
fashion. 
        Brandon, in your situation, you certainly would benefit from the
counsel of a qualified family law attorney.  I worry when patients go it
alone in such high conflict cases.  Asking the court to appoint a guardian
ad litem for your daughter might also make sense since this person would
then become an advocate for the child and would conduct his/her own
independent assessment of the situation and report back to the Court. Such
reports tend to have a lot of pursuasive power.
        As for your child, I know you are very worried about her.  Please
understand that whatever is or is not going on in her mother's home is
something you can't do anything about while she is in her mother's home.
Focus on what you can do in your home.  Focus on making your home a safe
space and one in which all of this conflict isn't a focus. If she wants to
talk with you about things, listen and talk with her. Otherwise, don't bring
up the subject of this conlfict.  Instead, focus on the positive aspects of
your relationship with her and focus on making the time you have together
important and nurturing. 
        Best wishes and good luck.  Please let us know how things are going.
Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a 3 yr old son. He has had visitation with his father, he has
just been able to have overnites since he turned 3 in Aug. He has been going
with him every other weekend. He is now all of a sudden not wanting to talk
to him, and he even refuses to go with him. It has always been just the 2 of
them until he was able to go home with him and now his girlfreind that he
lives with is in the picture. She has 3 children of her own. My son is very
adiment about not talking to his father and even throws the phone when he
calls to talk to him. I dont know if something has happened while he has
been with them or if it is just something he is going through. Please help
me know what to do. I have full custody of my son, his father is allowed
visits and I dont want to send my son off 3-4 hrs away( he lives that far
away) every other weekend with his father if he is so unhappy to go.
 
Very confused


Dear Confused:
        The fact that you son behaves in an unhappy fashion isn't enough of
a reason to stop his spending time with his father.  Of course it is painful
to see him unhappy but as parents, it is not our job to always make our
children happy.  It is our job to do what is right for them. Sometimes, this
makes them unhappy as you no doubt know.  Now, as to his unhappiness,
children his age often have trouble with transitions and changes.
Therefore, the simple fact that there has been a change in the child sharing
plan (the overnights) could make many 3 year old children unhappy and upset.
Since his father also now introduces into his life a new woman and her
childrne, it is also easy to understand how your son would have trouble
adjusting to this. Personally, I'd rather see his father spend some
overnight time with him 1:1 for a period of time before introducing his
girlfriend and her children into the overnight mix but I guess his father
had different ideas.  Do know that nothing untoward has to "happen" for a
child this age to begin to protest.  My suggestion is that you stay the
course with him, remind him that you and his father make the decisions as to
his whereabouts, that you have decided together on this new parenting plan
and allow him some time to adjust.  One thing you didn't mention....have you
tried to talk to the father about this and express your concerns?
Certainly this is the best alternative since working together as parents
will always support your child's well being.
        Thank you for writing and best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I found your site while surfin for answers I hope you can help me,
if not at least I tried.  Thank you.  My daughter is turning 12 this year,
she has grown up with a very loveing family but the man that she knows as
her daddy is not her biological father.
        We have been divorced for some time now and he pay's child support
for her and his biological son.  He is a very good father and picks them up
every weekend.  He does not want my daughter to know that he is not her
biological father for fear that she will not feel complete with him and
because he feels that since he has been their since the day she was born
that he is her real father and she don't need to know any different.
        The problem is my daughter has dark skin her real biological father
is french creole.  She is the only one with dark skin and she questions it
all the time.  The older she gets the more it seems to bother her.  Many
times when ordering food at a fast food restaurant or going to Chucky Cheese
they will ask her "are you with them?" and sometimes she will yell back
"YES! this is my mother I'm just darker then them".   We have told her that
she takes after my mom who had a lot of indian in her, but how long can we
keep that lie up.   I have always stayed in touch with her biological father
and I send him new pictures of her from time to time.  He did meet her two
years ago but I introduced him as a distance uncle.  He has another daughter
that is a year older then her and he has 7 sons that are much older.  When
do I tell her the truth and how do I tell her without damaging her
relationship with her dad? and will she hate me for not telling her sooner?
and how do I get her dad to understand that she needs to know the truth? Or
does she?  and what about my son how will he feel about this?Lots of
questions.  Can you help me?  Should I just let the lie keep going?

Please help me, bjd


Dear BJD:
        Wow, this is a tough question and so filled with emotion.  I know
this is a very hard issue.  My opinion is that it would be best for your
daguther to know the truth.  She clearly is struggling with aspects of her
identity and who she is.  Knowing about where she came from will help her to
consilidate her identity which is an important thing for her.  I do
understand her father's worry that she will be angry with him or feel
distant from him.  I can only tell you that I believe she will be even more
angry when one day she learns that she has been lied to (and trust me,
somehow she will learn).  Love is not carried on genes, it is carried in the
heart.  Attachment is not carried in heredity, it is in the soul.  If her
father can be candid and open and even willing to share his fears with her,
I strongly believe you'll have the best outcome possible.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a friend who is not even divorced yet and is dating someone
new.  They've only been dating a few months.  The problem is the new
girlfriend is pressuring him to introduce her to his daughter.  The
relationship is tumultuous and hostile at the best of times.  My friend
doesn't think it's in his daughters' best interest to introduce the
girlfriend to his daughter but wants some expert advice on what an
appropriate waiting period should be before introducing a child to a new
partner.  The girlfriend, who is a teacher and her friends continue to urge
him to make the introduction.  She doesn't understand why he won't.  I've
advised him that it's important to have a sound and stable relationship with
someone before introducing your children to them.  In my opinion, this can't
occur for at least 6 mos. to a year of dating someone.  Especially when you
aren't even divorced yet.  What is your advice?

Thank You & Best Regards!

Shannon


Dear Shannon:
        I am not aware of any research that suggests that there is an ideal
or optimal waiting time before introducing children to a new
boyfriend/girlfriend.  I wholeheartedly agree that the parent should not do
this unti he/she is comfortable doing so and this is going to vary from
person to person of course.  The fact that yoru friend is not divorced is
something that may or may not play a role.  As I am sure you know, divorce
can be a long-winded process taking many months, sometimes years.  I also
know that for many, there are religious issues having to do with dating
before final divorce and as a pyschologist, I cannot comment upon these
issues since they are out of my domain of expertise.  Suffice it to say that
your friend should not bow to pressure from his new girlfriend.  When he is
ready, then the time is right.  Her pushing him to become ready and his not
being ready may well have to do with aspects of the relationship that,
ultimately, are related to whether this is or is not a good relationship to
begin with.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My ex-wife and I share two beautiful boys age 6 and 2 ?.  We both
have recently moved to new homes a little farther from each other.  We now
live 40 miles, about 45 min. away from each other.  We have been in
litigation since we first split up over the custody.  She wants me to have
nothing to do with the children, I want half custody.  I am now seeing them
about 20% of the time.  We have one last hearing now in front of the main
judge in 2 weeks.  I am asking the judge to grant me 2 overnights during the
school week since my days off are Wed. and Thurs. plus 3 weekends of every
month.  I will be taking my oldest to school those days and picking him up.
We would need to get up at 7am to get to school on time since we are 45 min.
away from school.  The boys usually get up around 8am on their own anyway.
My question is; do you think that I live to far away from their mother and
their school to be asking for so much custody.  I don?t mind the drive at
all and the kids don?t seem to mind either.  Their mother is using this as a
way to keep me from them though, saying that it is too far of a drive and
they would have to get up to early in the morning to go to school.
Meanwhile, they stay at her mother?s house in a cramped trailer with no
bedroom of their own because she works late some nights of the week.  What
do you think my chances are of winning in court?  Is it bad for the children
to travel?

Thanks so much.

 Rob


Dear Rob:
        What concerns me much more than the distance between your homes and
the driving time is the fact that you and your children's mother have been
litigating custody since the time you split up.  This conflict/litigation
presents the greatest threat to your children - far greater than their
having to drive 45 minutes to get to school. 
        With resepct to the driving, many children who take a bus to and
from school commute 45 minutes or more to school and home again. I don't see
this time frame, in and of itself, as a barrier.  Nevertheless, please be
aware that if the children to to school in their mother's community that as
they become older and their activities/peer relations become more important
to them than they are now that it would be normal and predictable that they
will develop a desrie not to have two homes so far apart.  Since for
children, their school community is often experienced as their home base
community, be prepared for them to become less and less willing to spend so
much time away from their friends - just know that this is probably in the
future.
        Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My question to you is, I have just gotten custody of my daughter who
is 14, when her father and I divorced in 1998 i was the sole custodial
parent, then in 2000 I lost sole custody of our daughter and got joint
physical with her father having primary custody, as a significant change has
happened in her life, I was recently awarded sole custody with her father
having liberal visitation. My daughter seems to be doing ok, but the same
problem I had before I lost custody with her attitude and behaviors were
alot worse when she came back form her dads are happening again. I am
seeking counseling for her, but for the mean time, my question is, If she is
being disrespectful to myself and boyfriend(of 5 yrs), not doing her
homework correctly and neatly, and not doing her responsibilities as asked,
should she be rewarded to go and spend an overnite or extra time with her
father?  thank you kim


Dear Kim:
        Using your daughter's time with her father as a punishment for
misbehavior is, in my view, a form of emotional abuse.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:

     I married a man 3 years ago with an 8 year old son. His mother only
sees him at Christmas (one week) and has only contacted him once on his
birthday since we started dating.   The problem is I do not believe it is
healthy for the son to contact his mom - I believe it is her responsibility
to call him.  In the past five years she has called our home a total of two
times.  My son misses his mother and I try to be sympathetic when he says he
misses her, but I have not allowed him to call her.  His father has stated
he can call her whenever he wants but the child only asks me if he can call
her - never his dad - also anytime we are shopping he asks me to buy
presents for his half-sister (she lives with their mother).  Each time he
has seen her, she lavishes him with gifts and money and then no contact with
him at all.  I don't want to screw this kid up - but I also don't want to
aid in the illusion that his mom is great. I love him dearly and I don't
know what to do! Any advise would be appreciated.

Dear Stepmom:
    Thanks for writing.  Simply put, you are wrong.  It is absolutely
acceptable and, indeed, a good thing, for your stepson to contact his mother
when he wishes to.  Children of divorce do best when they know that they can
access the other parent as they wish.  In this case, being able to call his
mother when he wishes to helps accomplish this.  While it makes me sad to
hear that his mother makes precious little effort to stay in touch with him,
let's not punish him by disallowing him from contacting her.    
        By the way, it worries me a great deal that you call him "my son"
when in fact he is your stepson.  The boy has a mother.  It worries me that
you as the stepparent make it your responsibility to allow or not allow him
to call his mother. This is the domain of a parent, not a stepparent. I
sense here, perhaps, some rivalry between you and the child's mother.  Get
this out of the way.  Love him to the depth of your heart but understand who
you are and are not in his life.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am a single parent of an 8-year-old girl. When I was just a month
pregnant, her father broke up with me. I later learned he was cheating on
me. Well, he ended up marrying this girl and having a child with her just
5-6 months after our daughter was born. He wanted to give up his rights (and
although I am not 100 percent sure, I believe his wife had a lot to do with
this). When she was just 9 months old, he did give up his rights. My
daughter started asking me about her father at age 5, even wanting to ask
Santa for her dad for Christmas. I just said I didn't know where he lived,
and when she asked if he loved her, I said he did. My mother, however,
decided to give her more information (without asking me). She told her his
full name, that we were married at one time, and that he lives in the area.
She now asks to see him and why he doesn't want to see her. She also thinks
that I broke up with him and that I treated him badly, which caused him to
leave. (I'm not sure if she got this from my mom or came to these
conclusions on her own.) She doesn't have a father figure in her life. My
dad passed away when she was 10 months old, and there is no one in my life
at the present time. People have told me that I need to contact him to see
if he would like to start a relationship with her. I am very leary about
this because (1) I think she is too young and (2) I don't want her to get
hurt by her expectations not being met. This morning in the car, she said
that a boy at school's family is divorced and he gets to see his dad. Why
doesn't she get to see hers? I don't know what to do or how to answer her. I
don't want to lie to her and am very angry with my mother for that. What can
I say to her? Do I contact him?
 
Thank you,
 
Lori
Oshkosh, Wisconsin


Dear Lori:
        Not a fun situation for you or your daughter, that's for sure.  I
agree with you - your mother should not have done what she did.  But since
it is done, that's water under the bridge and you have to deal with the
situation at hand.  It sure seems that your daughter has a spot in her heart
for her father and she is telling you that she wants to try to fill that
spot.  I think I would probably contact the father and see what his attitude
is vis-a-vis your daughter.  I would not be at all surprised if he is very
open to meeting her and getting to know her.  If he is not, at least your
daughter will know that you resepct her wishes, understand them and value
them.  Another thougth I have is to suggest that you contact a qualified
child psychologist in your area and ask this individual to get to know your
daughter and assist you with your handling of the situaiton and the
introduction of her father to her should this occur. Either way, the
psychologist will be able to support your child (if she begins to form a
relationship with him or if she has to deal with his rejection).

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My 20 month old granddaughter and my son moved in with me 6 months
ago. My son's ex girlfriend lives approx. 5 hours away and comes to see the
child approx. every 8 weeks. The last time she came she took her for 4
days/nights in a row. The child seemed happy when she returned but has since
REFUSED to get near her babybed. She is terrified of it.  I worry that these
extended visits, away from her daddy and grandma (who she is very attached
to) are just too much for her to deal with. Is it unfair to ask the mother
to try to come and see the child more often so as to get to know the child a
little better, before we will allow anymore overnight/extended visits??
I do want her to be a part of my grandchilds life but I also am concerned
for the childs emotions.
Thank you,
Cindy


Dear Cindy:
        I always find it interesting when someone other than a child's
parent writes of concerns such as these.  From the tone of your letter, it
is clear that you are attached and invested in your grandchild which is
great.  I have to wonder, however, what does the father think?  Isn't this
properly his concern and his problem to solve?  It is hard enough to be a
parent without having one's own parent take control over the situation.
        That said, if a child this young is not used to spending time away
from his/her primary home, it usually isn't a great idea to have them begin
to spend time away in long blocks of time (such as four days).  It makes
more sense to begin with a one night away time frame then progress to two
after a couple of successful one-night stays and so forth.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        y daughters ages are 12 and 8.  My children's father and I have been
divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period.  My ex has never
been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years.  He began
using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of control
behavior devastated our family.  I sought help to heal both my and my
children's emotions and we have made great progress.  I am much different
now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many
friends.  We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation
however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with
the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year.
He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to tell about
me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and accepting blame
and smothering us with attention. This time he will not return their calls,
has changed his phone number and will not call them.  He has not seen them
in the past two months although he had promised them to never abandon them
again.  He makes promises to them and does not keep them, tells them I am on
drugs, and that I am promiscuous.  They are becoming tired of his constant
lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have a hard time convincing
them to continue to try to make contact with him.  I know they are hurting
under the "I don't really care" attitude and I have tried to get their dad
to understand what he is doing to them by sending him articles on the
subject and letters describing their pain.  I get no response.  My question
is do I continue to try to instigate my girls to contact their dad or do I
stop?  I cannot stand to see the pain in their faces and the hunger for his
attention and affection.  They feel like he does not care for them anymore.
I talk honestly with them and tell them he is the one with the problems,
they are not the problem but I know deep down they still hurt.  Please
advise me on the best way to handle this situation.
Coni


Dear Coni:
        I compliment you for doing what sounds like a good job under very
difficult circumstances.  You seem to have a good grasp on your own feelings
and your daughter's feelings and it seems that you are able to focus on the
girl's without getting your feelings in the way. 
        I can understand how they feel.  When people are continually
disappointed, they learn not to get their hopes up so that they don't get
deeply hurt over and over again.  Certainly, having a parent who seems to
care more about his/her self and his/her problems hurts even if you try hard
to make it not hurt.  At this point, it sounds like it may be best to make
sure your girls know that you always want them to feel free to contact their
dad and be with their dad but I'd stop trying to overtly encourage it. Allow
them to contact him as they wish - this gives them some sense of control
over a situation that they otherwise have absolutely no control over. 
        Thanks much for your great question and keep on being so wonderfully
supportive of your kids.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My boyfriend is having trouble with his ex-wife in regards to
custody.  He has their 4 year old daughter every Wednesday night, every
other Sunday night and every other weekend.   The ex-wife is constantly
asking the father to watch their daughter when it is on her "time".  She
usually goes on day and weekly vacations or goes out with her friends.  My
boyfriend is having a hard time with this, financially.   When he is asked
to watch their daughter during her time, it cuts into his work.   He truly
enjoys spending time with his daughter, but in the end it is stressing him
out because he is not making the money he needs in order to make ends meet.
He is so afraid to say no, because he thinks it makes him out to a bad
father.  Any suggestions on how he should handle?

Erika
           

Dear Erika:
        If I were your boyfriend, I'd consider myself fortunate that my
child's mother asks me to spend more time with my child than would otherwise
be the case.  Of course, it is easy to understand how this might cut into
his income if he takes time off from work to be with the child. If would
have him tell the mother, next time she asks, that he is happy to be with
the child but that he will need financial assistance with child care since
he has to work.  Certainly she can understand that he works, right?  This
doesn't make him out to be a bad father. It makes him out to be a
responsible father who wishes to make sure his child is safe while at the
same time being able to work to provide for the child.  And if he feels that
he needs to say "no", that's a perfectly fine answer too.  The child sharing
plan is in place to allow each paren to plan ahead for both child-rearing
time and non-child rearing time. He is allowed to have plans that make him
unavailable - this is called reality.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
      I believe that my wife of 17 years is divorcing me due to a severe
Mid-life Crisis (MLC), compounded by some serious, possibly unresolved
problems in her background (e.g., an abusive father - parents divorced 30
years, an abusive first husband, turning 50 last year, an 80-pound weight
loss, mother dying of cancer, a scare with breast cancer 2 years ago, I lost
my job a year ago, had to take a huge pay cut, etc.).   I want to save our
marriage, but my wife doesn't. We are fighting for custody of our 14 and 12
year old sons, as I have been primary caregiver, working at home for most of
their lives. She says I have controlled and manipulated her -- "knowingly,
intentionally and maliciously" -- haven't loved or liked her, etc.   We have
been ordered to go for a family psychological assessment (406B in Illinois),
which I welcome - I think.   Do you have any familiarity with this
assessment? Any advice? Will these tests pick up MLC? How about the
underlying problems?  
I appreciate your help.
Thank you,
 
Bill

 
Dear Bill:
        The kind of assessment you are speaking of, when properly done,
doesn't seek to lay blame for the end of a marriage or to investigate why a
marriage ended. It aims to determine what is in the best interests of the
child in terms of a parenting/child sharing plan.  If there are mental
health issues present in either parent that might play a role in how they
parent children, these can be evaluated and factored into the child sharing
plan recommended by the evaluator.  That's one of the purposes of such an
assessment.  As to whether the assessment can pick up "Mid Life Crisis",
this is not an identified psychological disorder with well defined and
agreed to diagnostic criteria (such as exists for depression, for example).
Nevertheless, please keep in mind that issues of blame, while often debated
by the parents in such evaluations, are not what a competent evaluator
focuses on or particuarly concerns him/herself with.
        Best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have two boys, am remarried..and now we have a blended family..my
husband has custody of his daughter (13) and son (18)..the daughter is
driving me nuts..when we say "NO" to something she gets upset and angry and
ruins our day.she doesn't understand the word "NO".she starts slamming doors
and stuff..after discussing these incidents with her dad..he tries to talk
with her and she shuts him out by saying she doesn't want to talk about
it.as her step mother..i really don't know what to do when she acts like a
two year old.thank you.

Anna


Dear Anna:      
        Since you are the step-parent, no doubt it is very difficult for you
to effectively parent this young lady who sounds, at best, hard to parent.
Certainly, I would communicate clearly to your husband how you feel about
this, what you feel needs to be done and encourage him to take definitive
and clear action.  At least, it sounds like this young lady needs some
psychological assistance...have you obtained such help for her? 
        Blending families is never easy.  I'm sorry to tell you but
sometimes, the misbehavior of one difficult child can be a key factor in the
failure of such families and the new marriage.  Be realistic.  I know you
love your new husband but be sure to pay attention as well to how your
children are coping with all the change and the impact of your
step-daughter's out of control behavior.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Here is my question, I am the step mom of a 3 year old.  Her father
I have beet together since she was 13 months old.  Her mom is very jealous
of the relationship I have with her daughter since we recently got custody.
Since I have been in her life almost from the start when she started talking
I became mommy & her mother became momma.  She now tells the child EVERY
time she refers to me as mommy that SHE is mommy & she gave birth to her &
she will not tolerate it.  The child has told me that she gets into trouble
if she slips up.  She is told to call me by my name only.  I just chalked it
up to her stupidity & let it go but now the child has asked if I'm not her
mommy & she can't call me that does that mean I don't love her or want her.
The other problem is that when she is mad at her mother she intentionally
says she is not her mother I am to be spiteful.  I do not know what to do in
this situation. 


Dear Stepmom:
        I can understand this child's mother being hurt and angry that the
child is calling someone else mommy.  Usually, I encourage parents not to
allow children to call stepparent's by the special terms of endearment such
as mom/mommy or dad/daddy.  I always encourage them to find another suitable
term of endearment.  However, somteimes children choose to do this on their
own, spontaneously and without encouragement.  In such situations, I suggest
that the child be allowed to do what comes naturally.  So, just be patient
and hang in there.  No matter what, show the child how much you love her and
tell her you love her.  Let her know that you realize she is under a lot of
pressure and ask her what she thinks may solve the problem.  The sad part is
that her mother's behavior is going to alienate the child.  Perhaps you can
find a sane moment to sit down with the mother and talk about how you can
all work together to love the child and allow her to love each of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dr. Simon:
        Please help. I am an unwed father and entered my eight-year-old
daughter's life for the first time nine months ago. Prior to that time, my
daughter believed that a man her mother lived with for two years (from
2-4-years old) was her father. He had a son my daughter's age who called his
father dad and naturally my daughter began doing the same. But her mother
never corrected our daughter, even after the relationship ended and the man
moved out. In the four years that followed, her mother allowed our daughter
to remain in contact, albeit infrequently, with the man she thought was dad.
She stopped this when I entered my daughter's life.
        I live out of state but visit every six weeks. Between visits I
write twice a week (sharing information on who I am-work, habits, hobbies,
photos, etc.), and call once a week. Initially my daughter was guarded but
somewhat positive towards me (though she took to my sister, her Auntie,
immediately).
But she has grown increasingly distant and withdrawn, towards me over the
months. I have stopped calling her because she fiercely resists coming to
the phone. I've also cut back on my letter-writing, though I continue my
regular visits. Her mother says our daughter reads my letters when they
arrive but never comments. But I wonder if I've been putting too much
pressure on her with the calls and letters, hence the pulling back.
        Her mother and I are on very cordial terms and committed to
developing a positive father/daughter relationship, but I am becoming
frustrated. My plan was to relocate to be closer to her, but now I'm not
sure. The mother has repeatedly said that our daughter knew nothing about me
until the month or so leading to our first meeting. Our daughter is quite
bright but spoiled.
Any actionable thoughts would be appreciated.

Joe


Dear Joe:
        The thoughts and feelings your daughter must be experiencing with
regard to her relationship with you and the reality of who you are must be
truly overwhelming. They'd overwhelm an adult ahd she's only eight years
old! It is hard to imagine how this young child would do anything but behave
in a somewhat erratic fashion. Remember, in many ways, she has been deceived
and misled by those she trusts the most.  She needs time.  I also think it
could be very important and helpful to afford her the services of a
professional psychologist who can help her cope with her feelings, help her
better identify them and help her build the means of handling them more
adaptively.  This could also be an important forum for the two of you to sit
down together and discuss who you are to each other, who you wish to be to
each other and ways of making that happen.  Joe, please be careful not to
overwhelm her.  For you, being in a close father-daughter relationship is
only positive.  For her, it may be something she experiences in a mixed and
ambivalent fashion right now so stay focused on her feelings. These are the
emotions to respond to, not yours.
        Best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My wife and I divorced about a year and a half ago, but have tried
many times to reconcile our differences.  We have a two and a half year old
son, who has really developed much better while her and I were together
since we were both raising him at the same time.  Recently, we had gotten to
the point where we were planning on moving in together and eventually
getting married again.  Life for me had become pretty stressful with work
and, in an attempt to gain reassurance for her feelings, I broke up with her
(hoping she would beg me not to since she loved me so much).  At that time I
told her that I didn't think she really loved me and so on.  The next day I
begged for forgiveness and said I was really sorry.  We got back together,
and she told me she loved me and even wrote me a love letter professing her
love.  So we were still going to move in together.  A couple of days later
she broke up with me, then two days after that started dating a guy from
work.  He spends everyday over at her house and I think my son is confused.
He has said certain things like, "Jeremy is bad," and "Mommy wants Jeremy
now."  I'm not so sure he recognizes me as his father anymore and just calls
me "Daddy" be cause that's what he thinks my name is.  I think he is
confused and upset about the situation.  However, my ex just says that he
will have to adjust and that 50% of marriages end in divorce, so things will
be okay.  I suggested that our son not have any interaction with Jeremy for
a couple of weeks so that the adjustment could be more normal, but my ex has
said no to that.  When I voice my concerns, she says that I am overreacting.
Am I? 
I think that she is being too blas?or nonchalant about the situation, and I
am wondering your advice.  I would really appreciate some guidance.  Thank
you.


Dear Dad:
        No wonder your son is so confused and says things that upset you.
He has two parents who are manipulative, dishonest and who use emotions as
toys and ways of extracting from others what they want.  Your son is only
acting the way you taught him to behave!  Want him to change?  Change how
you behave with each other and towards him!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My son's father frequently cancels visitation time with my son.  My
son's set visitation time is every other weekend and on Sundays that his
father does not have him he goes and spends the day.  Also Every Tuesday he
is suppose to go from 5-7pm.  On Thursdays from 5-7 if his father has him
that weekend and then overnight on Thursdays if his father does not have
him.  Lately more and more he cancels during the week.  I am tired of seeing
my son upset because of his father's cancellations.  I have talked to his
father about this but he says it is beyond his control.  I don't know what
to do about this.  It is hurting my son and he is starting to put a wall up
to his father now.  Please give me some advise on this.
 
Thank you
Christy


Dear Christy:
        This kind of parental inconsistency often results in children
erecting walls with regard to the parent who is inconsistent.  Of course,
you can't control what the father does and it has been my experience that
courts really have no power to force a parent to exercise the agreed to
parenting time they have.  What you might consider doing is talking with the
father and explaining your concerns to him in a fashion that is child
focused rather than focused on your frustrations. If the child's father
understands how his inconsistency if impacting the child, he may be
motivated to become more consistent.  You may also be able to agree to a
visitation schedule he feels he can keep and be consistent with. The key to
this kind of discussion is to keep it about the child and the child's well
being and the well being of the child's relationship with his father. No
guarantees, of course, but certainly worth a try.  Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
      
  My ex-husband & I split up when our daughter was 2 and son was 3
months old.  I gave him custody-I just wanted out and my boyfriend wasn't
too keen on kids.  That was seven years ago.  He remarried 4 years ago.I
recently became engaged to a great guy that supports me having a
relationship with my kids.  A couple years ago I took my ex to court because
he moved 30 minutes away and I wanted to continue my mid-week.  I got it,
but it didn't work the way I thought, so I cancelled it.  That summer, while
we were in court, I decided to exercise my summer visitation and took them 5
weeks.  The next summer I took them 1 week and was having a lot of emotional
problems again.  This last summer my daughter refused to come for the whole
5-6 weeks.  She agreed to stay 2 weeks.  This Christmas I have them for a
week which I want to take.  I've only taken them Christmas day or the day
after previously, but I'm allowed the whole week.  When she found out, she
was very adament about only staying a couple days and going back home to her
toys/friends/dad, especially since I will be working and she will be staying
with a babysitter (my fiancee).  She's been coming for regular weekends
w/out any opposition for years now, its just the weeks in the summer and
Christmas that she doesn't want to extend for me. 
Nikki

        
Dear Nikki:
        My goodness!  When are you going to start making your children a
priority in your life?  You gave them up because your new boyfriend wasn't
keen on kids?  HUH?  Now you want more time with them because you are with a
man that likes kids?  Are you kidding me?  You gave up midweek visits
because they didn't work the way you wanted them to?  Nikki, Nikki...these
children are human beings.  This isn't a game.  Children thrive on
consistent love and on knowing that they are the most important thing in
your life.  You've not shown them this.  No wonder they resist you.  I don't
blame them at all.  Try making your kids the most important thing in your
life and give them LOTS of time to recognize you've done this.  Maybe, just
maybe, they'll forgive you.  But it could be too late, I'm afriad.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Hello. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. He has custody of
his 3 children, 2 girls, 14 & 12, and a 10 year old boy. I have not met the
kids, but he has met the 2 most important people in my life, my sister and
my best friend. Now that the holidays are coming up, he has not mentioned
that he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me. Is it ok for me to bring up the
issue of meeting his kids and being together on Thanksgiving? I don't know
whether to bring it up or just do my own thing and see what happens for
Christmas and New Years. The relationship is fairly new, but we are
exclusive. I love him and I want to be part of his kids' life as well. Is it
wise to let him know I want to meet the kids already, or is it too soon?
Please help... Thank you.
 
New Girlfriend


Dear New Girlfriend:
        Whether or not it is too early to meet the children is something
only your boyfriend can decide.  It seems to me that after three months of
exclusive dating that it would make sense to meet the children.  Certainly,
in order for the two of you to know whether you can push ahead to the next
level in your relationship will mean his seeing how you are with his
children and you seeing how you feel with his children.  However, your
boyfriend has to decide when he is ready to bring them into the mix.  If you
are becoming impatient, tell him.
        You mention the upcoming holidays.  It sure seems to me that such
important events such as the Thanksgiving and Christmas observations may not
be the best time to meet the kids for the first time.  These are important
family observations - you are not a family yet - and these can also be
volatile times in the life of a family as you know.  As much as you'd like,
perhaps this is not the year to spend the holiday celebrations together.
Leave that for next year!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have sole custody of my 4 year old son which I received in October
of 2004.  A visitation schedule of Tuesdays with every other weekend for a
few hours was given to the "father".  Now, because of a change in my
schedule I want to change his Tuesdays to Wednesdays.  Please be aware that
this man is very angry and controlling, nothing nice comes out of his mouth
when he speaks to me.  Can I just give him notice and change the day, ask
him to change (which I know he will give me nothing but grief and say that
he was given Tuesdays in the fixed visitation) or do I have to go to court
since it was written these days in the final document?  Thank you.


Dear Mom:
        I'm worried that you and the child's father are set up for a
multiple-year battle over this child.  You describe him in very negative
ways yet you put the word "father" in quotation marks, certainly to
demonstrate your disdain for the man.  So yes, given that the two of you are
committed to be nasty to one another, you'll probably have to go to court to
get this changed since it doesn't appear that the two of you can reach an
agreement.  In reality, you and the child's father can negotiate and agree
to whatever parenting plan you choose. The court only steps in when you
can't agree.  So let me give you a piece of advice...WORK HARDER to overcome
whatever the obstacles are between you and your child's father.  You don't
have to like each other or have warm feelings for each other. But if you can
work together for the interests of the child, you can avoid an endless cycle
of court hearings, costs and all the crap that goes with it.  Just don't say
you weren't warned.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
      My 14 year old son does not understand where the child support money
goes to when his father gives him the check to give to me.  He is under the
impression that the entire amount must go to him for buying everything that
he wants (especially clothes....)  Unless he sees something in writing
showing where child support money needs to go, he is under the impression
that it is to be spent entirely on buying him expensive sneakers and
clothes.  Would you please be so kind as to list where child support money
goes, as he doesn't want to listen to me.  I need to show him in writing by
a professional that $300 a month does not mean buying clothes.  Thank you
for your help and advice.

PS  -- all he talks about is "where are we going shopping," "can we go to
the mall when I get out of school," and counts the balance that is left each
time a purchase is made.....

Again, thank you.....  


Dear Mom:
        If your son won't defer to your authority, do you really think he'll
give creedence to the words of someone he has never met or heard of?  What
you need, mom, is two things. First, you and your child's father need to
pull this child out of the middle of your co-parental relationship.  For
example, having him bring you the child support check is inappropriate and
outrageous!  This should be transacted between you and his father.  When I
hear what you are telling me, I get concerned that bringing the check to you
is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to ways in which your son is drawn
into conflict between you and his father.  Both you and his father need to
bring an end to this.  Second, you need to establish with your son that you
are the parent and that he is the child.  This means that respecting your
authority and "listening" to you is something that is expected from him.
When children don't respect the authority of parents, it is almost always
the case that the parent acts in ways so as to not set the expectation clear
and so as to fail to follow through.  For example, it sounds like you are
taking him shopping each month with child support money.
        You, your son and his father have a lot of work to do. Get started
or you will find that the difficulty is only beginning.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        It has been about a month that my 4yr old son is acting out, by
hitting and scratching the other kids at daycare.  He says that he wants his
mommy and daddy.  I have been separated from his father my ex husband for 13
months, he was very well adjusted and  went with the flow on everything,  he
is an amazing little boy.  His father has of about a month ago, started
dating this girl with a 1 year old son and a new puppy.  I told him that the
best way was to introduce our son slowly to her, but he insisted that since
I was in a relationship that it shouldn't matter if our son sees them
together, he instantly has her sleeping over and the baby sleeping in his
room.  I think that this is taking away his space and time with his father
that he is used to having.  I told him that in my relationship, the first 7
months that he saw us together was as friends and that his kids and my son
played.  It wasn't till seven months that we were on vacation and he saw us
in bed together.  He was fine and nothing changed.  I think that him seeing
this woman in his fathers bed was too soon and this wasn't the first girl to
be seen in his dad's bed.  I tried to talk to him about it but he gets all
defensive and just says that it shouldn't matter because I am in a
relationship that what he is doing is fine.  Is this the case or am I just a
worried mom and trying to blame my son's recent behavior on something that
isn't too be worried about.  I can just say that this time frame and my sons
behavior are just a coincidence.  Please help.  Chrissy


Dear Chrissy:
        Your son's behavior could be due to any of a number of factors
including the one you mention with his father.  I can see how you have
concluded that he is reacting to the change in his father's life and,
perhaps he is.  So even if we assume that this is what is going on, the
challenge to you is to recognize that his father can and will make choices
in his life and that you simply don't have the impact/influence over him
that you did when you were spouses.  Instead of talking to him about what he
is doing and how your son is reacting, tell him what you've found works for
you.  Rather than telling him the "best way" to do something, let him know
what you've learned and what you've found successful.  That's always a much
more useful way to communicate, particualrly in circumstances such as those
common after divorce.  Also, no matter what your son may be
reacting/responding to, give him time to adapt to whatever the situation may
be. Children are amazingly resilient and time is the best ally you have so
much of the time.
        Best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have been married to my husband for four and a half years.  He and
his ex-wife divorced when his daughter was 2.  She is just turning 9.  We
have been married since she was four.  We have my step-daughter every
weekend, Friday to Monday.  Every time she comes she is extremely clingy
with her dad.  He can't go to the bathroom or go change his clothes without
her following him.  He and I can not even have a conversation without her
running right up to hear everything we are saying.  She is constantly
grabbing his hand, hugging him and wanting to cuddle with him a while we are
all sitting on the couch.  We have a 2 year old son together and she seems
to enjoy him, but she always seems to make sure that she has her dad's
undivided love and attention.  She seems to take on the equal role to me,
disciplining our 2 year old, involving herself in conversations I have with
her dad, etc.  I am frustrated and do not know how to best handle this
situation.  I have started to dread every weekend.  He is also gone most of
the day Sundays and she becomes very bossy and sassy with me.  I am not sure
the best way to handle the discipline without becoming the wicked stepmom,
even though my husband is fine with me disciplining her.  How to I handle
these situations.
Your advice will be extremely helpful.

Thanks.


Dear Not-Yet-Wicked Stepmom:
        Your letter raises many questions and many possibilities.  It
certainly appears that this young lady is experiencing some feelings that
she is not coping with as well as one would hope.  It seems obvious that she
does miss her father and it seems that she does experience you as a rival
and as keeping her from being closer to her father.  I strongly suggest that
you consider consulting with a qualified child psychologist in your area to
see what kind of professional assistance might be useful because this is a
problemmatic set of behaviors.
        Now, in terms of discipline, I think it makes sense for you to allow
her father (your husband) handle the discipline.  I think it is fine for you
to talk with the child about how you feel and how she feels and what it is
like for you to be treated poorly by her.  However, everyone's interests are
served by your allowing dad to take the lead in the discipline.  Therefore,
you and your husband need to talk privately about your thoughts/feelings
about the disciplinary issues but let him carry the message to the child.
        I hope this helps.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
      My husband and I after 4 years of marriage have decided to separate. We have a beautiful 3 year old little girl.  My husband left and is living with his , mother, sister, brother-in-law and 2  out of control boys (6 and 9).  He now wants overnight stays.   He wants to pick her up on Saturday afternoons and bringing her back Sunday 6pm.  He is a good father, but his family smokes in front of the children and I don't smoke my husband thinks I am a prude  He is sleeping on a couch and my daughter will be sleeping with her grandmother  who does not even speak to me   This makes me feel very uncomfortable.  My husband thinks I am being hard headed, but I am scared of her little cousin who one was diagnosed with ADD and has a mouth on him (6yr old). I would feel a little more comfortable if he had his own place and she her own room.  This separation is turning very bitter.   I want the best for my daughter.  I want her to have a relationship with her dad. 

 
Dear Mom:
    Of course you would feel best if he had his own place...but he doesn't.  You say that your husband is a good father.  If he is a good father, won't he make sure that the child is safe and protected?  While you may not like the fact that there is smoking in the house and that there is a 6 year old with ADD, if you want your daugther to have a relationship with her father, then you need to work on getting your anxiety under control and let go.  Is the situation idea?  Of course not.  Does this mean that it is unsafe for your child? 
    It is particularly critical in the early stgaes of a separation that your child have regular time with and interactions with both parents.  What you want to try and avoid, if at all possible, is ending up in court over this matter.  If you end up in court, no matter what the outcome, everyone loses because of the increased conflict, the emotional cost, the financial cost and all that goes with involving court systems in making personal decisions.  So think carefully about your situation and try and come to grips with the fact that things are not ideal.  So long as they are safe enough, it is likely that what is best for your daughter is to have time with her father, even if he currently lives with his extended family.
    Thanks for writing and best wishes to all three of you.
 
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I seperated from my sons father a year ago. When his father was
living with us he put in no time with my son. He prefered to go out to the
pubs. Now he gets custody of him for 10 hours a fornight. When my son comes
back from him he won't sleep properly, won't eat a thing, he hits and kicks
things and throws himself on the ground. Won't continue toliet training.
Grinds his teeth. Last time he came back from him he wouldn't let  me
change his nappy and screamed.
Normally he is a happy child, he will aproach anyone and warm to them
straight away. He is not unsettled around anyone.

 
Dear Mom:
        Very young children often have trouble with transitions and they are
very reactive to the emotions of those around them.  Certainly, you suspect
that he is not being properly taken care of at his father's home and is
reacting to that.  And, that is possible of course.  But his behavior could
also be due to his reaction to transitions and he may adjust to the
transitions with a bit more time.  He may also be reacting to your anxiety
and your emotions/fears so be careful to watch how you behave and how you
might communicate your feelings about his father to him.
        Have you tried to discuss your concerns with the father?  What does
he say?  Does he notice some difficult behavior in his home too?
        If you have solid reason to suspect that he isn't being properly
treated in his father's home, consult an attorney and consider what the
options are through the legal system but please use the system as a last
resort.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I looked at your website but did not have my question addressed.  I
have a ten year old son and a six year old daughter.  I know of two
situations where by the mother thought the 10 year old boy should live with
the father(better role model).  In both cases they had only one child.  Even
if my son would rather live with me, is this in the best interest of both my
children.  Of course my wife would not want to split them up.  I want to do
what is best for their present psychological state and their future one as
well.

Thank you,

Vince


Dear Vince:
        Each family situation and each divorce sitaution is different and
must be approached as unique.  Nevertheless, it is generally accepted and
research demonstrates that for young children, keeping them together fosters
their well being and helps them cope with and adapt to the restructuring of
the family. Splitting them up tends to foster competition, the forming of
coalitions within the family and deprives them of the consistent and stable
presence of the sibling relationship. I would encourage you to think very
carefully about splitting up the children between the homes.  I hope this
helps.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous marraige.  I got
remarried to a wonderful man alomost three years ago and we have been
together for over four years.  I divorced my daughter's father when she was
2. My daughter sees her bio-dad every other weekend or so.  We had made
plans for Thanksgiving to have dinner with some friends of ours (their kids
are her friends).  When we picked her up last weekend from her bio dad's he
said he wants her to drive to NY with him for Thanksgiving. She doesn't know
what she wants to do.  She is afraid of hurting people's feelings.  Do you
think she is old enough to make the decision? Is that too much
responsibility for her?


Deborah Miller
        It sounds to me that her behavior is telling you that she doesn't
feel ready to make this decision herself.  In over 20 years of clinical
practice, I don't think I've ever met a 7 year old who is mature enough to
make child-sharing decisions.  This is why parents and the courts develop
child sharing plans that determine where the children are to be on holidays
and so forth.  If you don't have a plan that specifies this, then it is up
to you and the child's father to sit down and, together, decide where your
daugther will spend Thanksgiving this year.  You can then present this
decision to her as something you decided upon together. That takes her out
of the middle and frees her of the worry and anxiety that she is upsetting
someone.
        Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Do you feel your divorce has negatively affected your ability to
counsel others towards healthy relationships?  I must wonder if an expert in
the field of family guidance is unsuccessful in their own marriage, how
could they be successful in guiding others to successful relationships.  I
ask this because the author of a book I am reading is such like you
(divorced and family counselor), as well as the therapist I am treating with
(I learned from a friend that they too were divorced).  Makes me wonder
whether marriage will have any meaning in the next decade.  Don't you just
get tired of hearing of all the separation of family issues?  It's not
supposed to be this way. 
Lynn


Dear Lynn:
        I usually don't comment on questions about my personal life but I
think the point you raise deserves a response.  The dry cleaner gets spots
on his shirt.  The banker needs to borrow money sometimes.  The doctor gets
sick and needs to take medication.  The psychologist encounters problems in
his/her own life that must be solved.  In some ways, I think having gone
through divorce gives me a certain empathy with others going through divorce
and, in this way, may assist me in working with couples who are struggling
with their relationship. Do I recommend divorce?  Certainly not! But since
life happens and things happen, it is important to learn from them and see
how you can make them work in your life rather than seeing how you can be
hurt or destroyed by them.
        Thanks again for the great question.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My ex husband and I divorced about a year ago. In the divorce he was
allotted to pay $540 a month child support for our three children. We have
been separated for about four years now, and he moved in with a girlfriend
about two years ago. That is the basic story. His character has confused me,
as he has written several emails (hundreds I should say) about his
spirituality.  After a year of waiting for him to pay the allotted child
support, I finally decided to file with the state for the child support. He
became very angry and proceeded to send some very angry and disturbing
emails, and voicemails which included his verbalization of his desire to
kill himself if the 'system' makes him do something he doesn't want to do.
He said that he'll die before giving me something I don't deserve. After
these emails and voicemails, I stopped allowing the children to see him,
especially after the last time they were there when he didn't answer the
phone. The court order allows visitation, but not set times. I've given him
the option of seeing the children at his brother's house, but he won't
cooperate and wants to see them at his convenience on his time. I am not
comfortable with that, and don't know how to deal with him.  Thanks.

Lea


Dear Lea:
        What concerns me is that your children's father is making suicidal
statements.  If he is at all serious about this, the statements suggest a
certain mental state and potentially instability that could possibly place
the children at risk.  I think you are doing the right thing by making it
possible for him to see the children while he is at his brother's home,
thereby assuring that they are in what you believe to be a more
psychologically safe setting.  My suggestion is that you make sure that this
decision is, in fact, within the boundaries of the current court orders
because you certainly do not want to behave so as to violate orders.
Assuming that you are acting within the current orders, stay the course and
be clear with your ex-husband that you are concerned for the children
because of the things he has said about wanting to harm himself. Don't
criticize him for his statements of focus on what he has said so much as
focus on your concern for the children's well being.
        Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I'm hoping you can answer a visitation based question. My husband
and I live 2 hours away from his children, aged 11 and 9. Their mother has
begun enrolling them in activities that interfere or take away from my
husbands visitation. We only see the children two weekends a month from
Friday after school, until Sunday afternoon. Part of that visitation is
spent in the car traveling to pick them up. Their mother is insistent that
the activities are  important to the children's future success in life. The
activities are ballet and soccer/basketball. My question is, should my
husband give up visitation time so his children can participate in these
activites or is time with their father more important?
Thank-you

 
Dear Writer:
        Do you know how the two children feel about participating in their
activities or missing them?  While such extra-cirricular activities are
engaged in my many children, these children's lives contain a situation that
is somewhat different than the norm.  I've known plenty of children who
participate in such activities every other week because of situations such
as children being geographically separated.  Indeed, I've seen orders that
specify that parents are not to enroll their children in activities that
would interfere with their time with the other parent.  Should your husband
give up his time? This seems like a really sweeping and dramatic response to
the situation.  Surely they need time with their father and hopefully their
relationship with their father means a good deal to them.  Talk to the kids,
learn how they feel and make your decision with their input as a part of the
puzzle.  Keep things child-focused rather than focused on parental conflict.
Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        Please help..my boyfriend and I desperately want to make our
relationship work but can't seem to come up with answers to our current
situations.  We have been dating for over 5 months now.  He has been
seperated from his wife for over a year, has 3 children 50/50 and lives over
an hour away from me.  We are compatible in every way and I love to spend
time with him.  But, time we do not have.  The time he spends with his
children..Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wed(not his night but meets
with his children for a Scout type of meeting, Thursday..Then I get to see
him Friday nights..Every other weekend I get to see him Friday, Saturday and
Sunday.  On many of my weekends he has had to work.  My boyfriend works hard
and fathers often.  When it comes down to seeing me, driving the distance I
hear in his voice the stress and it truly hurts my feelings.  Ultimately, I
know he would love if I lived closer or he would love to live here.  Both
situations seem to be out of the question. ( When I asked him about the
upcoming holidays.spending time with his kids he admitted that therein lies
part of the problem.  I have spent some time with his children..between him
and I there are 5 at a time(I have full custody of my two boys) and it has
not been easy..I don't like the way his kids treat him..they walk all over
him..they are extremely disrespectful and misbehaved.  He is aware of how I
feel.  He is aware that this truly is the case with his children.  He has
also indicated that he is trying to protect his kids feelings.  They are not
sure they want dad to have a friend.  Where do I fit into this picture?  Is
this ever going to work?  Sad In NJ 


Dear Sad:
        Will this relationship work?  Even if there weren't all the factors
you describe, a five-month old relationship is young and anyone who thinks
that they know if it will or won't work is fooling themselves.  Dating
someone with children who is actively involved with their children can be a
challenge since the children do and should come first.  Look upon this as an
indicator that your boyfriend is extrememly loyal, nuturing and devoted.
But realize that after knowing you only five months, it isn't reasonable to
expect him to shift his focus dramatically so that his relationship with you
becomes a central focus of his life.  My advice - if you care about him and
think that there may be a future, slow yourself down and be patient.  See
how YOU fit into his life with his children not how he fits into your life
without the children since the children do and will always come first.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have been living with and dating a single father for nearly a year
now.  He has had full custody of his 7 year old girl since she was 10months
old.  He's never been married nor have I.  Since the birth of his daughter
her mother has not taken an active roll in her life, over  the years even
getting her to spend every other weekend with her daughter has proven to be
challenging.  Now her mother has moved away and they have not seen each
other for three months. 
Attempts have been made to connect mother and daughter with no avail.  It's
having a large impact on every relationship involved. 
She misses her Mom, tension between daughter and father grows, my boyfriend
and I no longer receive any time alone, and I feel the relationship between
his daughter and I has slightly regressed as well.  However I have developed
a healthy relationship with his daughter, we do homework, play, and do
chores together on many occasions.  Since the change in her mothers address
I've also noticed that she is more resentful to her father and me
interacting.  It seems like whenever we are talking or doing something she
needs her Dads attention. 
        I understand it's a change to not be the only girl in Dads life and
it has been brought out more since her mother left.  We decided to try help
with this they special time after school where they do father daughter
things together before I get home from work.  This seems like a very fragile
and critical stage.   I realize even more so how easy it is for
relationships in this blended setting to turn sour.  Things are still going
well, with just a hint of them starting to turn the other way.  We really
want some advice in how to keep things going well. 

Thank you for any advice you may have for us,

Sincerely,

Confused girlfriend


Dear Girlfriend:
        It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are pretty sensitive to
and aware of the difficulties and challenges faced by this little girl and
it sounds like you are both quite able and willing to stay focused on her
needs and try to adapt to them.  From my vantage point, that's the best
thing you can do to assure that things continue to go well.  Please remember
that right now, this child is experiencing a large transition with her
bioloigcal mother now being out of the area.  Therefore, it isn't surprising
that her behavior is different and that you notice changes.  Give things
time, stay empathic with the child but be sure to clearly define and
consistently enforce limits and expectaitons for her behavior.  I know it
doesn't sound like much, but indeed the best advise is to keep doing what
you've been doing and give this child a chance to adjust to the large
changes in her life.
        Thanks so much for writing. Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dr. Simon:
        In searching online for divorce/custody issues similar to my own, I
came across your Q&A site and would like your input on my current situation.
After being married for 10 years, and with our only child not even one; my
husband (in his late 30's) left our home to live with a female coworker (who
is not yet 21) after my finding out about their affair.  We could not agree
on child custody or visitation so our lawyers requested a law guardian to
act on behalf of our child.  The law guardian determined and subsequently
the judge ruled that until the divorce is final that my soon to be ex could
not have the baby around his girlfriend.  His girlfriend has a police record
for various things, the most severe being assault.  Subsequently, my ex is
rarely with our child (10 hours a week max!!).  Our divorce is to be final
soon and I am still not comfortable with the idea of this person; who I
consider to have no moral or ethical values (and a violent history) spending
time with my child!!  My lawyer informs me that I have a case in further
keeping this person away from our child... except I know that my ex will
continue to choose to spend time with his girlfriend and not his child if I
do this.  I had a great relationship with my dad and would like the same for
my child, except my ex is too busy with his new life and because he cannot
have his cake and eat it too the child is the one who suffers.  I guess my
question is do I put aside my gut instincts to keep this undesirable person
around my child so that my ex will be a better parent?? or should I do what
I feel is in the best interest of my child and put the responsibility of
being a good father who puts his child first back on my ex???
Thank you for your time and I really look forward to your response.


Dear Mom:
        Thanks for your really great quesiton.  I can understand your
ambivalence and anguish over what is happening in your child's life.  I want
to encourage you to stay focused on what you believe is in your child's
interests and at the same time remember that your child's father is making
choices about how to spend his life and his time and that you cannot control
this.  It sounds like he is choosing to be with someone who may not be
appropriate for children and that he is choosing this above his own child.
While this is a sad reality, it is a reality and you can't change it by
ignoring it.  If your instincts tell you to keep your child away form this
individual, do so.  If dad chooses his girlfriend over his child, understand
that this attitude will play itself out in his relationship with the child
even if you allow dad to spend more time with the child.  Yes, this is
difficult and yes, your child loses.  But your child may loose even more if
you allow him to be around an adult who, herself, is in many ways a child
and who may even pose a risk to your child's safety.
        Best wishes, thanks for much for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dr. Simon,
        My son is now 5 years old. When I was two months pregnant I left his
father and met some one else, my (now) husband has always been in my son's
life he was at the hospital when my son was born. My son calls him dad (we
never use the word father) about a year ago I was granted full custody. My
son has only met his biological father when he was about one year old it was
only about three times and we referred to him as mommy's friend. Now that my
son is older he's noticing that we have different last names I have my
husbands and my son has my maiden name. My question is when and how should I
tell my son about his biological father? At five how much dose he need to
know? He has a pretty normal life a mom, a dad, grandparents, I don't want
to turn his life upside down, he has just started kindergarten and is having
enough problems because he is the youngest kid in his class. Do I tell him
now or when he's alittle older. I don't want him to think he's been lied to
his whole life but I don't want to cause him pain at this young of an age.
Please help your advise is needed.
Thank you,
S.L.B.


Dear S.L.B.:
        Thanks for writing.  A wise man once said that you talk to children
about things when they are old enough to notice things that need answering
or ask quesitons.  Your son is doing this now.  He has a right to know who
he is, where he came from and the realities of his life. We as parents
create situations for our children and if they are painful, the pain becomes
worse if we withhold the truth.  The earlier he knows and the more he is
able to integrate the information into his identity and sense of who he is,
the less this will turn his life upside down as you fear.  So take a deep
breath and go for it.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dr. Simon,
        I grew up in a family of 5 sisters and 2 brothers. I am the 3rd
oldest of them, being at the ripe old age of 42 right now. My folks were and
still are very close to all of us. We had strict rules when we had
girlfriends or boyfriends over, that we could not be in our bedrooms or even
consider them spending the night.  I have a 16 year old daughter. She met a
boy that lives 2 hours away from us. When he comes over for the weekend I
see no harm in this day and age for him to stay the night. Of course being
in separate bedrooms.  My problem stems from my mother. She thinks I have
lost all of my morals and that I am not being a proper parent in allowing
this to take place. My parents live in the same town I do. So of course
everything that happens in my family is watched like a hawk. It doesn't
matter that my other sisters and brothers may be doing the same thing with
their own kids and their friends. But they all live miles away and it isn't
seen, so it doesn't get discussed.  I don't want my mother being upset with
me and I don't want to think that I am losing all my morals. I have raised
my kids to know what is right and wrong. We are all a very loving family. In
fact kids love to come to our home because we are fun and have a great time
together. And I do not want to lose that.  What can I do or say to my mother
to make her realize that having my daughters boyfriend spend the night once
in awhile is not a bad thing?
   ~Linda~


Dear Linda:
        Your mother is going to think what she thinks and believe what she
believes and she is allowed to do this.  You are also allowed to have your
own thoughts and beliefs and to make your own parenting decisions.  Your
problem here is that you still are dependent on your own mother's approval
and haven't matured to the point where your own sense of yourself matters
more than her sense of you.  So that is what you need to work on rather than
trying to change how your mother thinks and feels.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I am trying to find information of family reintroduction.  My
husband inappropriately touched my daughter over a year ago and is currently
on probation.  He has restrictions to not have contact with her for x period
of time.  We have been told  that these restrictions can be lifted.  When is
the appropriate time for that to start and how do you go about preparing for
that? 

Thanks    Tammy 



Dear Tammy:
        Child sexual abuse is a very serious issue not to be taken lightly.
Your child's trust has been severely violated by her father and it may be
impossible for her to be able to truly come to trusting him again.  He has
to understand this and accept this.  In terms of reintroduction, what kind
of guidance are you receiving from the child's therapist?  Has her father
been in his own treatment and how has he progressed in treatment?  These are
the more important questions, not whether a certain period of time has
passed and it is now legally possible to lift restrictions.  Your first
responsibility is to protect your child's safety under all circumstances no
matter whether the "x" period of time has passed or not.  Your first concern
is for her, not for your husband's wishes.  So first things first...is the
child in any way ready for this and is the father at all able to come to
terms with what he did in a meaningful and earnest way?  And if there are no
therapists involved with the child or the father, then from my point of
view, all bets are off and you have to go back to the beginning to begin the
healing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My boyfriend (35) sleeps with his 11-year-old daughter.  The night I
realized this was going on, I was basically dismissed to go home as he
announced he and his daughter were going to bed.  Apparently, he started to
sleep with her after his separation and divorce almost 4 years ago.  He only
sees her on weekends and sleeps with her both nights.  It really upsets me
since we sleep together and have sex in the same bed he shares with his
daughter.  We do not live together.  I told him how upset it makes me that
he sleeps with his daughter since I feel it is an intimacy only he and I
should share.  However, he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and plans
on continuing to sleep with her until she no longer wants to sleep with him.
This could mean she will sleep with him until she is 12 or 13 if not longer.
I told him since he has chosen to sleep with his daughter, then I am not
going to sleep with him.  This made him mad as he thinks I am blowing this
way out of proportion and if I understood why he does it, it would be okay
with me.  I told him it isn't okay with me no matter how he justifies it and
now we are in a dead lock.  I don't know what to do.  What would you do? 

Please help.

Donna


Dear Donna:
        No matter how you feel about your boyfriend sleeping with his
daughter, the fact that the two of you sleep in the same bed and have sex in
that bed without her present (at least I hope it is without her present)
seeems irrelevant to me.  If you have an issue with your boyfriend
co-sleeping with his daughter, focus on that.  With resepct to co-sleeping,
there are a variety of opinions on this matter and I am not aware of any
qualified, quality research that gives clues as to the benefits and risks of
co-sleeping.  In many European cultures, parents and children co-sleep as a
matter of routine and this continues until the child voices the wish to
sleep separately.  True, this isn't what typically takes place in our
country but that doesn't make it wrong per se.  Nevertheless, you are
entitled to feel the way you feel about it and if it is something that makes
you uncomfortable, it could be that you and your boyfriend will simply have
to agree to disagree if you are going to continue in a relationship.
        Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr Simon:
        My ex-husband has finally been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I
knew things were wrong in our marriage. It was violent and unstable. We have
three children and I have always pushed for them to have a relationship with
him for the last 10 years. They are now 13, 12, and 10. I have explained to
them that their Dad is sick and they need to stand by him. However, he is
re-married and his wife says that we have to just give him what he wants to
keep the peace. I have done that for years. I do not think the children
should be forced to compromise their own feelings just to make their Dad
happy. Is this wrong? They love their Dad and do spend time with him but,
they should not be pressured to spend time with him, especially when he is
in a severe depression or manic stage. I get scared. Thank you for
listening.


Dear Mom:
        You are most welcome for listening.  If I may, allow me to reframe
your question.  You are asking if children should be responsible for meeting
the emotional needs of parents.  The answer is no.  It is the parent's job
to meet the emotional needs of children to the best of their ability.  I
think it is important that your children understand their father's mental
illness and I would encourage you to help educate them and teach them what
bipolar illness is and is not.  Education/information helps with acceptance
and adjustment.  Yet, you know better than I that life with a person
struggling with bipolar disorder is a roller coaster.  I would not want my
kids to have to ride it excessively yet their father's illness is a reality
in their lives.  No, it is NOT their job to make their father happy.
However, there may be some middle ground between where you are with it now
and where you can go with this.
        Thanks so much for your great letter!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon
        This is my situation, I am a stepfather and have been for the last 5
years and now all of a sudden the boy's biological father wants back in the
picture after having no contact what so ever in the last 5 years. Now this
man has a criminal record and has been prooven to be abusive towards women
and children in more ways than one. He has several police reports on this
abuse towards the women he is with. How can an individual that has a recrd
like this be able to get visitation rights to the children? He was court
ordered visitations every saturday for two hours, today was the first and he
never showed up and he is now trying to get out of the next visitation, is
there anything that I or my wife can do?
    Please respond for we are running out of ideas of things that we can do.
Your help would be greatly appreciated in this matter. Thank you for your
time.

                               
Dear Stepdad:
        Of course this really isn't YOUR situation.  It is your stepson's
situation and from what you present, it is an unfortunate one.  It sounds as
if the young man's father is mostly concerned about himself and not about
the child.  This causes me to worry that the child will experience hurt and
pain at the hands of his dad.
        It is my experience as a forensic custody psychologist that most
courts tend to give biological parents, even ones who have been absent and
even ones with checkered histories, the benefit of the doubt.  Is this
right?  That's not for me to say but this is the way it is.  My suggestion
is that you keep a clear journal of events and return to court to
demonstrate what is taking place.  As for the child, be as positive with him
as you possibly can be.  If he feels disappointed, empathize with him but
don't fuel his negativity and certainly don't let him be exposed to yours.
The best thing you can do to help him right now is to simply understand his
feelings/fears, validate them and be his advocate in the legal system if
need be.  I know this is not a simple solution or one that hold immediate
promise but it is the path you need to walk.  Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:

          Hi.  I hope you can help me and my ex-husband find some resolution to a problem that we have been currently experiencing with our 4.5 year old son.  Up until about two weeks ago, both our children (we also have a daughter 3.5) have spent every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday evenings with their father. (This has been the children?s routine for about two years now.) This has seemed to work out really well for all of us, for it gives us both equal time with our children whom we love so very much.  Well, about two weeks ago my son starting crying, resisting, and down right refusing to go with his father, claiming all he wants is ?Mommy?.  It is breaking all our hearts.  Could you please tell me what possibly could be going on with him and what would you suggest his father and I do to help resolve this issue and to help him work through this.  My ex-husband and I have maintained a very civil relationship and I would consider ourselves to be good friends.  We ALWAYS make every effort to putting the children?s best interest first ? NOTHING else matters to either of us.  He also has been ?acting out? at preschool and at home.  He whines and is very defiant.  I like to think that I am a patient and sensitive parent, more so than my ex-husband, could this be one of the reasons?  Please, any advice you could offer to us would be so greatly appreciated.  This is really tearing us up?

 

Thank you,

 

J.        

 
Dear J:

    First, congratulations on your maintaining a civil and friendly relationship with your former husband.  That is such a HUGE gift to your children and something that will hold them in good stead for along time to come.  I'm so impressed that you are not reacting to your son's resistence by blaming his father for somehow doing something wrong in his home that would lead your son to this.  It is not uncommon for young children to rather suddenly become resistant and upset when it is time to transition.  This often reflects some developmental issues and, in fact, in that sense is a sign of growth.  In your case, it seems that the frequency of transitions you are asking your son to experience is high given his age. He is probably able and, all things being equal, ready to spend more extended time with his father rather than what is essentially every other evening.  Now, whatever the source of the behavior, thist doesn't mean that you give into it or allow the resistence to carry the day.  Certainly, you are the parents, you are in charge.  One thing to think about is what happens once the transition, depsite his resistence, takes place.  If the child is able to adjust in fairly short order and return to a normal mood, this is a sign that you really are dealing with some issues in the transition that are probably temporary.  Sometimes, these changes can be signs that a child is experiencing other emotional issues or problems that need to be addressed.  So long as you are clear that things are OK in his father's home (and it sounds like you have no worries in that regard), it is important that you insist that the child transition as normal so as not to reinforce it and so as to assert your parental authority over this young child.  I do hope this answer helps.  Please write again if you'd like.

 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        My ex husband and I divorced 6 years ago. We have both remarried. We
have a daughter that is 9 years old and is autistic and a 6 year old son
that is fine. Every other weekend when he comes to pick the kids up Haleigh
(our daughter) starts screaming and crying saying she doesn't want to go. I
don't know what to do about this. Her father is getting very frustrated with
me on this matter. Do you have any advice on this situation?  By the way we
don't make her go. Are we doing her more harm by not making her go? Thank
you, Tammy 


Dear Tammy:
        Transitions are often difficult for children.  Given the cognitive
and emotional components of autism, transitions can be more difficult for
your daughter.  I've know of hundreds of situaions in which children tantrum
when it time to go from one home to the next.  Most of the time, the
trantrum subsides very quickly after the exchange is made and everything is
find.  I know you don't want to see your child upset or to see her in pain.
Now I am assuming that there is nothing untoward or inappropriate going on
in her father's home and that her "fear" is unwarranted.  Therefore, ask
yourself if you really want to give a 9 year-old child the decision-making
power in this kind of situaiton.  Do you think it is appropriate for her to
decide if she will or won't go with her father?  If you don't, then realize
that you are giving her this choice currently and that this isn't
appropriate.  Do you want to give in to her tantrums or do you want to give
her the message that her trantrums are inappropriate and that you are in
control of the situaiton?  If you want to foster her tantrums and reinforce
them, then keep giving into them.  Otherwise, YOU be in control, YOU give
your daughter the message about what will and won't happen and move on.
        I hope this helps.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon:
        I have become very concerned over the well being of my 10 year old
son.  His mother and I have been divorced for 5 years now due to an affair
between her and her (now)husband while we were still married.  This was not
a pretty divorce and the situation continues to worsen.  She and her husband
do everything in their power to attempt to exclude me from my son's life.
My son has started to show great interest in coming to live with me, but
balks at the idea out of fear of his mother and step-father.  His grades at
school are below average and his appearance leaves much to be desired.
        Now for the main reason of my email: my son's mother has started to
leave him home alone while she and her husband are at work.  I believe it is
wrong (and probably illegal) and it scares me to death that something should
happen to him while he is alone.  I am seriously considering calling in the
state authorities the next time he is left alone, but I am very concerned if
such action would do any harm to my son psychologically or otherwise.  Your
thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end and extremely
worried.  Thank you!
 
A Very Concerned Father


Dear Concerned Father:
        Like any parent, you have to weight the plusses and minues of taking
a course of action.  Sometimes we decide that the risk outweighs the
possible benefits and sometimes it is the reverse.  Certainly, this
situation is of more concern because it appears that your son is caught up
in ongoing difficulties between his mother and you.  Needless to say, this
alone places your child at great psychological peril.  If you ask me, safety
always comes first and acting to protect a child's safety is fundamental.  I
know that I would not leave a 10 year old home alone but before I called
authorities or took that kind of action, I would make every effort to
discuss my concerns with his mother.  Certainly, it is best to solve the
problem, if possible, between you rather than involving outside authorities.
        Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

Dear Dr. Simon: 
        I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. He has an 11 year old
daughter that he took about 7 months to introduce me to.  We've gone on a
couple of short vacations together and have spent some time together as a
group.  Her mother and my boyfriend are good friends, to the point that she
lives three blocks away, drives his car all week and goes to most family
functions.  She has a boyfriend but he never attends with her. He treats his
daughter like a princess and wants to be her friend and her father when
needed so that she feels comfortable confiding in him as she gets older.
She is extremely clingy though.  She has to sit on his lap, give massages,
get massages, plays with his hair and wants to sleep next to him all of the
time.  She will look to see if he's holding my hand and if I do anything
that she can't do like some type of sport with her dad, she gets upset and
starts crying.  How do I help him help her?


Dear Anxious

Thanks,  Anxious
        Does your boyfriend agree with you that there is a problem with this
young lady?  I get the sense that he may not see any problems and that even
if he does that he may not be willing to do anything about it right now.  So
what can you do?  You can simply, plainly and supportively voice your
concerns to him but you can also let him know what you comfort limits are
with this behavior and you can respect your own limits.  I know that this is
hard but please remember that a parent's bond with a child will usually be
primary over their bond with a new boyfriend/girlfriend.  So be patient,
communicate clearly and supportively and give him time to come to understand
your concerns.
        Best wishes to all of you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
 

 


Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody.  Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation.  He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts.  He is a sought after speaker and trainer.  Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons.  He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.

Questions for Dr. Simon can be sent to: ras@ix.netcom.com

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