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Dear Dr. Simon:
Can you help? My daughter is 9 and her father and I have been
divorced since she was 4. I have been in a relationship with my current
husband for 3 years, but we have been married for almost 2. My husband is in
the Navy and we have been relocated. Onlt an hour from my ex and he is being
a real jerk. He never meets me half way like it says in the divorce papers,
told me he was going to take me to court if my daughter wasnt in private
school (which I cant afford here), and only calls every now and again. He
has every other weekend visitation and only sees her a little bit of the
time. He mostly leaves her with my mother or his new wife and her daughter.
I like the stepmom and the step sister is close with all of us. I dont mind
that but I do mind the fact he doesnt spend time with her. She doesnt
understand why hes too busy all the time. I havnt had a child support raise
ever. I know that he has a different job and he poor mouths a lot. But he
owns a new car, a house and land and a property that he gets rent on. He
says that if I take him to court for more then I will get less because he
makes less, and he makes most of his money under the table. (he is an auto
mechanic) I know that he has at LEAST 10,000 in tools and equipment. I dont
know if any of that counts or is it just income!??
Please help me. I stay awake at night worrying about what he can do to make
me miserable.
Stacey
Dear Stacey:
So what exactly is your problem here? That he causes you to stay
awake at night wondering how he is going to make you miserable? After
saying so many things about what is going on between your child's father and
your daughter, you come to the place where your real concern is YOU. Well,
the truth is that while I understand that you may be unhappy, co-parenting
and parenting is not about parents, it is about children. I would imagine
if you tried to discuss with him your concerns about your child rather than
your concerns about money, about how he is not "fair" with you and about how
he isn't being honest about his income that you might find he is much more
willing to listen and work together with you. Sure, I understand that he's
no angel and that he brings his share of communication problems to the
table. But you can only change things about you, not about him. So try,
just try, to focus on your worries about your child and not on how he treats
you. Try disconnecting from the way in which he makes you miserable since,
in reality, the fact that you let him get to you in this way is really up to
you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now, he has a 4 year
old son and I have 3 daughters 8,9,17. My boyfriend is currently in a
bitter custody battle. When he divorced his ex some 3 1/2 years ago he was
given a very restrictive custody arrangement; 6 hours weekly and 4 hours
every other Saturday. The ex wife never held him to this restrictive
custody order until he moved in with me and my 3 daughters and his son cried
and threw temper tantrums because he did not want to go home with his
mother.
In December the ex started seeing a therapist, (she says regarding
problems she was having with the child). In March/April the therapist
decided she needed to also treat the child. In July all visitation was
taken away from my boyfriend because the therapist reported to social
services that the boy told her that his father was sexual abusing him. To
make a long story short the allegations were all UNFOUNDED by social
services, however the therapist now says that all visitation should be
supervised because the child has separation anxiety. My boyfriend has not
seen his son for 3 months and now he is going to have to pay someone to
supervise his visitation with him.
I have 3 questions. When it comes time to go to court wouldn't the
therapist's testimony on behalf of the child be a conflict of interest
because she was at first and still is treating the mother, I don't see how
this could be fair to the father. Secondly, don't most children go through
some form of separation anxiety (being left at day-care, going to school).
Lastly, when the father asked the therapist if his son has been
taken to a doctor to see if there was any evidence of sexual abuse she told
him yes but did not know any of the results because it did not affect her
case or treatment regarding the child, this does not make any sense to
either of us, wouldn't a therapist want to know these results? What if
there was no evidence of abuse and the child has been coached to lie? Or if
the exam did show abuse wouldn't they want to find out who the abuser was?
Hello:
The fact pattern you present is filled with various problems from my
point of view. Most important amongst them is that ethics require that a
mental health professional refrain from making any kind of custody or child
sharing recommendaitons without having met and fully evaluated all parties
to the dispute. For a professional to make recommendaitons without having
formed an independent and unbiased clinical opinion of each of the parties
involved breaches ethics and strongly suggests a conflict of interest on the
part of the professional. Moreover, those involved in treatment as
therapists are wise to avoid making any such recommendaitons in the fisrt
place. When a therapist does so, he/she is confusing his/her role and is
also riskiing the privacy of his/her clients and medical records. I've seen
cases where a therapist foolishly wrote letters to the Court making
suggestions/recommendations regarding child sharing/custody that resulted in
the parent who was seeing the therapist being forced to open up his/her
complete record of treatment. Also, in a case of disputed custody, it is
usually not wise for a therapist to treat one of the parents and the child.
If a child in a disputed custody situaiton needs treatment, they need
someone who is truly neutral, who is just there for them and who is not
potentially biased by the therapists work with the other parent. I hope
this information helps. Thanks for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
I am about to marry someone who has an 11 year old daughter. He has
never been married before and she has unfortunately been raised primarily by
grandparents because of how young he was when she was born. When his 11
year old daughter stays in the house we bought together she has to sleep
with him. This is also something she stills does when she stays at his
mothers house and her mom's house. It is a practice his mother swears by
and states should be done until the child is comfortable (he states he
shared the same bed as his mother until he was 12). Her other grandparents
and mother are not comfortable with this sleeping arrangement and try to
make her comfortable in her own room and bed and her only response is she no
longer feels comfortable or wants to stay with them. I personally do not
agree with this practice at all. My biggest concern is that I am about to
marry this person but when his daughter who is a wonderful, intelligent
person stays with us, he has to share a bed with her. I have told him that
I do not feel comfortable with this for two reasons, 1, we are about to be
married and have lived together for a year and thinks he should be sharing a
bed with me, 2, he has a pre-adoloescant daughter that he is sleeping with.
When is it too old to be sharing a bed with your parents (mother or father)?
His argument is that this was how he was raised and it is fine, and that
because of her situation he needs to do whatever it makes her feel
comfortable. I see this as a very big issue in our relationship and I am at
the point when I see them sharing a bed it disgusts me. I am not
necessarily looking for guidance but I am trying to find the "experts" that
his mother talks so highly of that states it is okay or a good thing for a
parent to share a bed with their child into the teenage years is a good
thing or information that has some guidance for me.
Thank you,
Anne
Dear Anne:
I am not an expert on the issue of co-sleeping. However, I do know
that it is something that is, in fact, quite normal in many cultures. Thus,
acceptace of co-sleeping seems to be culturally related more than it is
related to any clear sense of what is developmentally right or wrong for
children. Typically, children who co-sleep with parents come to a point in
their lives, typically in early adolescence, where they feel a desire for
separateness and privacy - thus they initiate a change in the sleeping
arrangements. Perhaps this child is not yet at this developmental phase in
her life.
Whether or not co-sleep is or is not ultimately a good thing or not
a good thing, it is also important to respect that fact that you are not
comfortable with it and feel awkward about it. This, now, becomes an
important communicaiton issue for you and your fiancee - one in which your
ability to work together to solve problems in a mutual and non-competitive
manner is important. I would highly suggest that you approach this dialogue
from him from a perspective of your feelings and your point of view rather
than from the perspective of what is right or wrong, good or bad.
I hope this helps! Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Recently my daughter began seeing her father under court ordered
supervised visitation. My daughter is 6 and for the last 4 years has been
raised by myself and husband. Her biological father started wanting a role
in her life. My daughter has only had one full visit with him, which seemed
to go ok. The last visit we attempted she would not go and see him at all!
The supervisors are very nice and calm. They always let her know that she
does not have to do anything she does not want to do. She comes home crying
to my husband, whom she calls "dad" for the last 4 years. I was shocked to
hear her ask sobbingly, "Daddy, why can't you just adopt me and be my only
dad?" I feel stuck, my attorney is of no help, and I don't know if there is
anything I can do, being that she is only 6. Do you have any advice?
Thank you
Dear Mom:
I know it must be very alarming to see yoru daugther be so emotional
about these visits. She is young and this is a huge change for her. She
may also pick up on some of your anxiety about the visits as well. Children
often do this. I suggest a couple of things. One, give this a bit more
time. Allow the visits to become more a part of her routine and allow her
to adjust to the change. Try not to put too much emphasis on her reactions
to the early visits and try hard not to allow your emotions to become
stirred too much by hers. Second, be sure that when you talk with her about
the visits and when you get ready for them that you are matter of fact,
businesslike and low-key with regard to your emotions and your reactions. I
know that this is hard but it is really important because children,
especially young children, play off our emotions - even subtle ones.
Best wishes. Be patient and give things time before you decide that
something is terribly wrong.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a divorced mother of a 5 year old girl. Her father lives 45
minutes away and sees her only when it is convenient for him. About 3
months ago, I met a guy and have since fallen hard for him, but my daughter
is not so happy. She gets excited when I tell her we are going to see him
and his 7 year old son, but then acts up once we are there. She is in
kindergarten and is doing well but is having issues such as refusing to have
her picture taken on picture day, she is not listening at home and cries
every time I ask her to do something. Our routine has not changed during the
week, and we only see my boyfriend on the weekends. I have tried talking to
her, I have tried taking away privileges and toys, and even time out. I am
becoming very stressed and losing my patience. I know that she is not
intentionally trying to upset me, I am happy in a relationship for the first
time in 3 years (since the divorce), and my boyfriend treats us both like
gold. We include her in all activities and I stress to her that I love her
and that nothing will change that. I need advice on how to help her accept
the changes that are taking place in our lives. I am running out of options
and feel like I am failing as a parent. Please help!!
Dear Mom:
Give your little girl a lot more time to adjust. Remember, you've
introduced something HUGE into her life without her permission. She is used
to it being just the two of you and suddenly, that has changed. She needs
more time to adjust and make sense of the change. Remember, too, that this
little girl with her young emotions is having to simultaneously deal with
her father being less present while a new man is being more present. No
doubt even at her young age she senses that your energies are not only for
her these days and that probably is hard for her. I know it is hard but keep
her as your primary focus. It is no use to get mad at her because she is
acting like a five year old and frustrating your romance. That will only
result in her becoming even more upset. If your daugther is having trouble
adjusting, that may be a message to you that you are moving too fast into
your new relationship for HER well being. And since she is your child and
she is your first priority, it is your job to listen to that and respond
accordingly. I hope this helps. Thanks much for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I moved to separate residences three years ago and
have co-parented our adopted son with a 4-3 split. Over the past two years
my son's father has become less and less involved with my son's daily
routine and has little knowledge about his activities. He has become much
like a disneyland dad on the weekends and is a playmate much more than a
father with no real discipline. Earlier this summer we had decided that our
son, who started 7th grade this fall, would remain with me, I'm a long term
educator, during the entire school week, M-F, and I would also have him on
at least one weekend a month. My husband since has filed for divorce and
wants a 50/50 split which I oppose for several reasons including my
husband's nightly meeting schedule of 2-3 times a week, his no discipline
attitude, is not process oriented and not consistent,etc. He's a great guy
in many respects but has never been able to accept or understand our son
being challenged with ADD and has even plagarized his homework assignments
this last year and then wanted me to cover with my son's teachers that he
didn't know he could do that. My son's teachers could always tell when his
father had him overnight/weekend as my son would fall behind at school or
become disoriented and I would receive a phone call. I am hoping that
perhaps you have a suggestion as I've suggested every other weekend with a
dinner during the week during the school year and then additional time
during the summer working around my son's ADD camp/summer school needs.
Thank you.
Dear Mom:
It sure sounds to me like there is a real power struggle unfolding
between you and your husband here. My experience is that whenever there is
a power struggle, the real needs and essential well being of children
becomes lost and that the desire of each parent to prevail in the struggle
is the main agenda. Unfortunately, parents often remain unaware of this and
often truly believe they are primarily focused on the child - often they
maintain this even when a gaggle of experts point out to them that this
simply isn't going on! Bottom line..the conflict between you and your
husband is the greatest source of risk to your son. Rather than battling
this out between you or, even worse, battling it out in court, I strongly
suggest that the two of you select a neutral third party who can meet each
of you, meet your son and help you, collaboratively, come to an arrangement
that benefits everyone. This work can be done in a context that has nothing
to do with power, has nothing to do with winning and losing. Certainly, I
cannot offer you a suggested parenting plan in the absence of knowing your
family, who you are and what your needs are. There is no "magic formula" to
any parenting plan, mom. There simply isn't. The "magic", if there is such
a thing, is the simple decision and heart felt desire on the part of parents
to get along, to collaborate, to solve problems respectfully and to choose
not to battle with one another because they know that this ultimately is the
most loving thing they can do for their children.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband gets along well with is ex. (they have 2 kids) I have
none. He has visitation twice a week. I usually attend the children's
school events without a problem. Everyone gets along fine but recently
something happened. Yesterday there was an event at school. I didn't go
because I figured it's their "designated" day together and they would have
dinner afterwards. After the event he took them out to dinner.
When my husband got home, I asked how everything went and where they
ate (usual conversation) he offered the information and just out of
curiosity (because of the weird tone in his voice) I asked who went..... He
took his kids and his ex. I thought it was odd - for one thing the event
was about 2 miles from her house. The look on my face must have shocked him
because he added quickly, her husband was away and she wasn't cooking. Now,
I have to say, this doesn't seem right to me. I want us all to get along
and believe me I see his ex more than I see some people in my own
family...but why take her to dinner? What do you think?
Thank you
Dear Stepmom:
Sounds to me like your husband and his former wife have a super
co-parenting relationship - one that serves the kids well and one that many
other parents would be wise to take an example from. I think it is
wonderful that they are comfortable having dinner together with the
children. While they may no longer be married, they do have children
together and they always will. This is something that will always bind them
and that only they share. The fact that they are able to be civil and
cordial and share a meal with the children sets such a good example for them
about conlfict and problem solving and so forth. So you ask why take her to
dinner? I ask why not! She is the children's mother for goodness sake!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
My ex wife and I have a fifteen year old son - she has custody and
there is no regular visitation schedule; he just comes here when he feels
like it (they live an hour away). Recently, he wants to come here less and
less, and I understand that part of it is his age and that he's more
interested in his peer relationships. But my concern is that my ex is
sabotaging my relationship with him. She discusses maintenance issues with
him (both inappropriate and inaccurate), and following the recent closure of
her business, my son told me that she cannot do anything now because, "she
spent the last fifteen years raising me [him] and taking care of you [me]."
When he said this to me, it was clear that he was repeating what she had
told him. This is an unfair representation of the facts and I discussed it
with him. The last time he came here (a couple of weekends ago), he was
very withdrawn in the car, but over the weekend became animated and
interactive. Then, in the car on the way back, he began again to withdraw.
I am convinced that his mother is speaking negatively about me, but I cannot
defend what I don't know. I wish he would confront me about any concerns,
but am aware that at fifteen, he lacks the maturity/confidence to do so.
How do I deal with the fact that my son seems to be turning away from me,
very likely under the influence of his mother's bitterness?
Thank you
Richard
Dear Richard:
Wow...you are presenting a complex situaiton and you are asking some
great quesitons. First, allow me to complement you on your apparent
tolerance and wisdom. The fact that you are able to understand that your 15
year old son's life is rooted more and more in his peer relationships is
wonderful. That you don't take this as a rejection of you is so important
and so very loving of him.
I understand how you reach the conclusions you reach about why your
son says what he says and where he gets his information. I strongly suggest
you resist the temptation to jump to conclusions. I suggest this for two
reasons. First, you don't really know for sure how he reached his
conclusions. Sometimes teenagers reach conclusions, on their own, that
sound surprisingly like a parent's own conclusion. But even if he is
mirroring his mother, your getting angry about what his mother is saying
will not help you support your son nor will it help you help him sort things
out for himself.
The next time he raises a subject such as he raised when you were
last together, this gives you a chance to ask him what he thinks and feels
and to tell him that you are open to discussing anything with him honestly
and candidly. In doing this, don't be negative about his mother. Be
descriptive and factual. Don't worry about "fairness" because there is
nothing "fair" about this to kids. Since you believe that his mother
speaking negatively about you is not a good thing, just be sure not to
repeat the mistake. Being factual will present your son with a refreshingly
new perspective and may even help show him that he can trust you emotionally
with his confusion and difficulties.
Best wishes. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
I have read some of your other views and some of your advise, now I need
some just for me. My husband and I have been together for nearly 3 years and
been married for nearly 2, he has a 31/2 year old son from a previous
marriage and I am currently expecting my first with him. We don't see eye to
eye when his child his with us. He tends to let things just slip by when
they should be addressed and he says that I am too strict. To my
understanding that is why we are parents is to tell our children no and to
teach them right/wrong. I fear for our marriage and more so now since I am
expecting. He tends to put his son before everything and everyone else, when
the child is at his other home we are a normal happy couple. What do I do,
how can we come to an understanding and raise our children together? Is this
going to cause my marriage to come to an end, because when the subject needs
to be addressed he doesn't want to talk. He thinks that it is his way and
that's it because it is his son, I can't convince him to talk or even go
talk to a professional together. He wants me to be a mother figure to his
child and he wants me to do all the motherly things: get him dressed, take
him and pick him up from here or there, feed him, etc., but does not want me
to tell him no. What do I do???
Thank You for any advise you can give!
Dear Mom To Be:
Sounds like you've had the benefit of a "look into the future" by
seeing how your husband handles his son and by seeing how you feel about the
way he parents. Certainly you must know that many parents have
disagreements about how to handle situations with children - this is part of
the challenge of marriage and of parenting. While you are right that part
of parenting is teaching children right from wrong, I was struck by your
statement that one of the reasons we are parents is to tell our children
"no". Wow. Sure, we have to stop our children from doing things and we
have to place limits on them but the less you say "no" and the more you
redirect and learn better ways of teaching, the more effective you'll be as
a parent and more you'll help your child gain good self-esteem which really
is a major goal of parenting. Watch that negativity, mom!
Here's what I'd do...I'd get myself and my husband to a marriage
counselor right away. Not because the marriage is in immediate danger of
failing but because you both can see the challenges ahead. Prevention is
always easier than fixing something that is broken. Any marriage therapist
will be delighted to work with a couple who chooses to be proactive rather
than waiting until things are all but lost.
Thank you for writing...best wishes.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My stepson has been kept in family counseling for over eight years
since the divorce. He is 13 years old, a straight A student, has healthy
relationships with his friends and our family, acts responsibly, does not
act out, no mental/physical symptoms (aside from ocassional and normal
anxiety), and has never been in trouble with in school/law. While the first
year of therapy made sense (due to the divorce), my husband and I feel that
two visits a month for eight years is frightening. He now initiates the
visits which pleases his mother to no end. His chief complaints to me and
his father are that he dislikes his stepfather, cannot tell his
mother/stepfather how he truly feels, wishes for more time with us, and that
he has to be "perfect" in their home. My husband has joint legal custody,
but she is the primary custodian. For years she has hoped that my husband
would fade out of the picture and accused him in court of everything from
being an alcoholic (disproven) to never attending school activities. We
have eight to ten days a month with our stepson and we split the summer
vacation and all school holidays in half. My stepson would very much like
to have more freedom of choice in who he spends time with and we have always
told him that he can always be with Mom if that's what he chooses. He very
adamantly says no. I believe he would just like to be heard. The child
support we pay is basic plus 40% of counseling fees (which is considered
presumptive). My husband is starting to withhold the counseling fees after
trying for four months to get a progress report from the counselor. (Hubby
has full rights to his son's medical/educational information.) He has also
written his ex-wife explaining that while he would support therapy if it
were deemed necessary by ANOTHER counselor, he will no longer support
something that is developing into an unhealthy dependency for their son. My
stepson says he goes to these sessions looking for a way to make the
transition from one house to the other easier, yet he doesn't seem to be
learning how to help himself feel better. The court was very close to
cutting off these sessions for us, but ended up going with the mother.
Essentially, anything my husband says is ignored by his ex-wife. She sets
up sessions for my stepson upon his immediate return which we find
incredibly manipulating and controlling. What can we do aside from
continually protesting and withholding payment? Report this counselor to
the Board of Behavioral Sciences? Go back to court? We just ended a two
year battle because the mother wanted to move out of the state and (THANK
GOD) the court said no. We don't want to have to put my stepson through
that nonsense again, but what choice do we have? Thank you for your time.
Dear Stepmom:
It is quite unusual for teenagers to truly want to be involved in
counseling. That this young man is motivated to stay in therapy is an
important thing. Sure, it's possible that his therapist has fostered an
unhealthy dependency in the boy but this is very hard to assess let alone
prove. Reporting this man to the licensing board is likely to do nothing
other than anger your stepson. I suggest you think of it this way - this
young man lives in the middle of two homes at war. Do you have any idea how
difficult that is for a child? Perhaps he views therapy as HIS turf, HIS
safe place, HIS respite from the war and HIS place to process the mental
results of the war. My suggestion - you have far larger issues to deal with
here than to try and punish his mother by taking it out on your steopson
through his therapy. Think about it - and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
Could you tell me what standard visitation is for an eight month old.
Is there an age limit when the father can have overnight visitation. The
baby is also breast feeding.
Thank you.
Deena
Dear Deena:
There is no hard and fast "rule" about "standard" visitation nor
about when a child is able to overnight away from his/her mother. In
general, the younger the child, the more frequent and briefer contacts
should be with the non-custodial parent (often the father). It is important
for the child to attach to the father and for father to bond with the child.
Thus, frequent visits are very important. In terms of the overnight
question specifically, experts generally agree that children your child's
age probably can tolerate an overnight visit although two nights in a row
may be asking the child to be away too long from his/her primary attachment
object. Think of it this way...if a mom works an 8 hour day (usually 9
hours with lunch) and you have a one hour commute each way (which is not
uncommon), your child is away from you for 11 hours each day. This
certainly is long enough for a child to have an overnight visit with her
father. As for your breast feeding, many parents in your situaiton exprss
milk using a breast pump and make it available for times when the child is
away from the mother. If you want to make this work, it can work. Thanks
for writing. Happy parenthood!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am in a relationship have been for 4 years. My parnter has a son
11. His son visits us once a month for about a week. My partner and I live
together. But sometimes his son is rude and he is spoiled.. he lives with
his mom and step dad in S. Fransciso.. we all get along great.. but the
issue is my partners son mouthed off to me. I didn't yell what so ever I
just said "David, that was rude" and with that my partner started to yell at
me and yell at me and mimic me to his son, I just quiltely left the room and
went to our bedroom. He followed yelling at me from behind. and than went
back to his son and said "David you did nothing wrong" and had more to say
to his kid about me (sarcasticly).. but it was very damaging. First I feel
its terrible that he put me down so terribly in front of his son and second
the child should never be a witness to such anger and yelling.
I dont know why he changes when his son comes - he is more hostile
toward me, like there is something to prove. But I told the child that I
love him and Im not mad at him and I said I'm not mad at anyone.. which is a
lie due to his fathers behavior but I just feel the child shouldn't bare
this load. But I feel like I'm seriously pulling away from my partner ..
dont take me wrong I love him dearly. But I feel like the show he put on in
front of his son was seriously damaging to me. I would never and will never
put my partner down in front of his son or anyone for that matter. Yes all
couples argue but this was just absolutely wrong... What can I say to him to
get the message across.. he is very caustic if I try to explain the way I
feel and how wrong it was for him to do what he did. Please advise
Devon
Dear Devon:
It seems to me that the problem you experienced after verbally
reprimanding your partner's son is evidence of some sort of issues in your
relationship with your partner. Why these issues come to the surface in
this fashion or why it is that your partner acts differently towards you
when his son is around is something I won't even begin to speculate about.
I agree with you - the way he put you down in front of his son is
unproductive from a relationship perspective, it models inappropraite
behavior to a child and, frankly, is humiliating and disrespectful. Of
course, it is normal in stepfamilies for parents to be somewhat protective
of their children and it is common for new spouses or partners to feel, at
times, that they aren't part of the innermost circle. This is easy to
understand and is just something you have to accept and deal with in
stepfamily situaitons. However, that doesn't make it ok or healthy for
there to be inappropriate and ugly exchanges in which the child is drawn
into the conflict although this happens all too often.
I suggest that you speak with your partner about how you see this as
reflecting a fissure in your relationship and a sign of some problems in
your communication with one another. Don't make it about his son. Make it
about how the two of you communicate and problem solve.
Best wishes and thanks so much for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD in November of 2004. He is
six (6) years old and is taking 25 mg of Strattera in the morning and after
supper. He is repeating his second year of kindergarten.
My child's father lives on a farm, he is too permissive, and does
not keep a close eye on my son. There is no doubt there is great love
there, but the Father has said that this is his second family and he doe not
have the energy to run after him. There are, of course, real safety
concerns when living on a farm, and the Father has done many things in the
past that are unsafe. (Let son drive a 475cc Honda 4-Wheeler, by himself.) I
have had so many arguments with the Father over safety issues, I had to
wonder if the man had any common sense. His Father would never discipline
him, unless he broke or lost something that belonged to him. He would let
my son run wild.
To cut to the point, the Father wants my son to live one week with
him, and one week with me; I am terrified that living out of a suitcase will
keep my son from feeling secure, and that the change in schedule, week to
week, will cause continual disruption in his life. He has begun to improve
alot in school here and at my home. I have asked his father to please agree
to let him live with me during school, then after homework, and before
bedtime, he could pick him up to spend extra time with him, on my weekend's,
if his Dad wanted to pick him up on a Saturday for extra time, I would be
okay, and/or part of my Sunday (in between Sunday school and kids bible
study). His Dad will not agree to that and continues to refer to his
attorney's thoughts as, "We will not play it that way" and "win the war",
etc. My child's life is not a game.
What are your thoughts on a child with ADHD living one week with one
parent, the next week with another?
thank you,
Joan
Dear Joan:
In general, six year old children can do well with a week on/week
off custody schedule if they have the support of both parents and if both
parents try hard to make it work. True, children with ADHD typically
require more structure and consistency than other children but there is
structure and consistency in a week to week schedule. I actually think that
there is likely to be more disruption in the type of schedule you propose
than in the week on/week off type of schedule but I recognize that I do not
have first hand knowledge of the particulars of your situaiton.
If I were you, I'd try and make information/education about ADHD
available to the father. There are many easy to read books and pamphlets on
the subject. Perhaps there is a support group or parenting class in your
area that focuses on the issues. This kind of knowledge, coming from
someone other than yourself, will give the father information about how to
support and structure things for your son.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My ex-husband and I currently do the Tuesday, Thursday and
every-other-weekend custody arrangement. When he asked for additional time
with the children (ages 2 and 5), I agreed to one week a month (M-F) in
addition to the regular visitation. He would now like to move to a 50/50
arrangements. Although I feel his motivations are more financial (not having
to pay child support) he says that he wants the time with the kids. I have
never denied him any time and have been extremely flexible with his
schedule. I am a work at home Mom, he is a firefighter (24/48 shifts). He is
getting married to a woman with 3 children of her own (we seperated in
August, and divorced in February - he is re-marrying this September), and I
remain single. He feels that I look at his visitation as my "break", because
I often travel for business and/or pleasure during his week long visitation
period. He says its my responsibility to conform to his schedule to allow
him to see his children, so if he needs to work, then I should be available
to pick up the slack. But at the same time, he opted NOT to take his 8 weeks
for the summer because he had too many other things going on (i.e. vacations
planned with his fiancee and her children, purchase of new home, etc).
Although I believe him to be a good father, I am more concerned
about the effect the split would have on the kids. I want them to have time
with their Dad, but I don't want them to feel too bounced around. I also
feel like this is his attempt to tie me to this very small town we both live
in as his on-call babysitter. I only want whats best for the kids, and I'm
very leary of the 50/50 split.
Regards,
Susan
Dear Susan:
Any agreement you and your children's father arrive at the truly
suits you and is agreeable to you is good for the kids. There is no ideal
custody arrangement per se (certainly some are better than others) but one
that you agree to is ideal since this minimizes conflict between you.
Research has shown, time and again, that it is conflict between the parents
that results in the most harm/risk to children. In my opinion, a five year
old is probably ready to tolerate a week on/week off type of child sharing
program but two years olds need more frequent contact with each parent. I
think it is hard for most two years olds to be away from either parent for a
week at a time.
In terms of the "babysitting" issue, of course you should not be
used as his sitter. He should be responsible for child care for the
children when they are with him and you should be responsible when they are
with you. It may work well to give the other parent "first right of refusal"
when you are going to be away from the children for a period of time (such
as all day/overnight). However, it seems to be that when you are
separated/divorced, this means that you have separate lives and make
separate plans and must be reponsible for yourself. To expect your former
spouse to be on call to care for children during your parenting time is
unreasonable and probably quite likely to create conflict and difficulty.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I was devastated when my wife of 7 years told me she was divorcing
me. She had been having an affair for a couple years while I was too blind
and busy caring for our two young children to see it. She had become
pregnant with the other man's child. There was the 9 month wait to make
sure the child wasn't mine; then a bitter custody battle in which I was
given primary physical custody with legal custody being shared.
The children are with me except for two days every other weekend during the
school year. However, during the summer, she has them 2 weeks and I have
them one. My problem is she does not allow them to talk to me during the
two weeks she has them. My new wife and I ALWAYS allow the children to
speak with her when she calls, or if we aren't home, we have them return her
calls. The four year old, especially, has never been around her mother
enough to bond with her and it breaks my heart that she is not allowed to
correspond with us during her mother's visitation period. Two weeks is a
long time for such a young child. Before the divorce, my x-wife did not
live with me and the children, but came to visit the children one or two
days a week. She gave the children little attention, but she has expressed
anger many times that she now has to pay child support. She appears to be
angry and jealous that I am getting on with my life. Any suggestions to
help her realize that she is hurting the children by not allowing them to
talk with me? Is it time to consult an attorney? Our 6 year old has told me
several times that he wanted to talk to me when I called, but Mom said that
if he did, she would ground him.
A Dad who loves his children very deeply
Dear Dad:
Yes, your children should be able to speak with you freely and
frequently when they are with their mother. They should know that they are
welcome to call you whenver they feel like it. It is important for children
to know that they have access to both parents at all times. This is
independent of the children's history with their mother. It is disturbing
to hear that the children are theatened with punishment for wanting to be in
touch with you - hopefully your child is being dramatic when stating this
but it nevertheless suggests that something is amiss. It is hard to tell
you how to help your children's mother "realize" something that is so
intuitive and make such common sense. However, I might suggest that you buy
her a good book on coparenting (such as Parenting After Divorce by Phil
Stahl, Ph.D.) and show her what the experts have to say about the issue. You
ask if it is time to see an attorney. My answer is that you are best off
and the children are best off avoiding litigation if at all possible. Try
other approaches first.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
The father of my child and myself have already attended a mediation
hearing and have agreed upon a visitation schedule. (Just to mention he has
a lawyer and I do not.) Now that the schedule is signed the father of my
child has been missing pick-up days, hasn't payed child support or even seen
our son in two months and never calls. Now he has our son for two weeks
because he said he forgot that it was summer time and that he would now like
to adhere to the summer time schedule for these two weeks. But after these
two weeks he may not be able to get him. The day that he was picking him up,
when he called to see if I was back from the doctors with our son and I
wasn't home yet he called his lawyer telling her that there was a problem.
So with all of that said and done I whould like to know can he do that?
Isn't that some sort of breach in our visitation agreement? Do I get a say
so in the matter? Am I stuck now bcause I signed the paper at mediation?
Savionsmommie
Dear Savionsmommie:
While child custody agreements are never written in stone and are
always subject to revision when circumstances require, it makes me sad to
hear you use the phrase "stuck" when describing your current situation.
Certainly, if stuck is an appropriate word, it is not YOU tht is stuck but
instead your child. Mom, I understand your frustration, truly I do. But it
is so important to keep the focus on your child and not on how you feel or
what your struggles are. Is it a good thing that dad does not follow
through with regular parenting time? Nope! Is it a good thing that he will
spend two weeks with your son this summer? Yes! Is it upsetting that after
not seeing the child he calls his attorney because you are at the doctor
with your child? You bet! Is anything likely to come of his complaint to
his attorney? Nope. True he has "breached" your aggreement but is it not
best for your son to have time with his father when his father will make
himself avaialble? Sure it is hard for you and frustrating for you. But
being a parent is all about giving, tolerating frustration, doing what is
best for the child even when it is hard or frustrating for the parent. Keep
your eye on the right road, mom. You'll do better and feel a lot better
too! Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband cheated on me and now we are separated. He had the
girlfriend sleep at his house last night while it was his night to have our
daughter. My daughter came home upset and said she was mean to her and the
girlfriend hates her. She also said she had to sleep in her own bed because
they were sleeping together. He only has her two nights a week. Can I stop
him from having her sleep over those two nights? In addition we were trying
to work things out and he has been sleeping at my haouse until I found out
he was still with her only two days ago. So my daughter sees Daddy and Mommy
together one night and someone else with Daddy the next.
Dear Mom:
Research shows that it is best for separated/divorcing parents to
give children time to adjust to the change in their lives before engaging in
a new romantic relationship that the child is exposed to. Please understand
that I am not making a moral judgement here. I am simply telling you what
comptent research tells us. When parents rush into new relationships,
children don't have the chance to truly process and adjust to the change in
their lives with regard to the breakup of the family. Since your husband is
also spending time with you, this adds extra confusion to the situation.
For your part, I would think it best that you at least stop having your
husband over to spend the night with you. At least you can bring an end to
that source of confusion. I can also understand that you are hurt and angry
that your husband is apparently simultaneously trying to reconcile with you
and see his girlfriend. While your hurt is understandable, please be very
careful not to allow your hurt to impact your parenting, your decision
making or how you speak with your daughter about the situation. The hurt you
feel is not something your very young child needs to know about or be
exposed to. As to whether you can prevent him from having the girlfriend
over when your daughter is there, that is a quesiton for an attorney.
Thanks for your letter and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My question is that my 14 soon to be 15 yr old wants to live with
his father. His dad lives in Illinois and I live in Michigan, we are 500
miles apart. My daughter is 12. My son believes that he is old enough to
make this decision on his own. His father isnt a "bad" dad but......the
step-mom drinks and has drove with my children in the car in past incidents.
My ex is allowed all of the summer visitation. My son will not say a bad
word about the step-mom due to the fact that I told him if one more incident
occurred with the drinking that there would be big trouble with the
step-mom.
My son has spoken with my ex's attorney (I have full-custody of both
children), not that it matters. My question is, Can a soon to be 15 yr old
make that type of decision on his own? My lawyer spoke with me and said
that he believes that my son will be allowed to go, that he is old enough to
make that decision. My son stated to my lawyer that he loves me and his
stepdad, that there is nothing wrong other than the fact that he just wants
to live with his dad.
Any advice would be great at this point.
Thanks,
Shannon
Dear Shannon:
Different localities have different laws and regulations and rules
regarding when a child is old enough to be able to make this type of
decision. My own sense is that a 15 year old must be listened to and his
wishes should be taken quite seriously. After all, as the parent of a
teenager, you know what there is to gain (and not gain) when you oppose a
teen about things that they feel very strongly about (and which won't
endanger them). Also, as children get older, it begins to make more sense
for siblings to have different arrangements...whereas younger children
usually are more of a "package." I know that you may be hurt and feel sad
that your son wants to live with his dad. It is normal for you to feel like
that. However, be assured that it is often the case that teenagers choose
to experience time with the other parent when they have been primarily
raised by one parent. To the extent that this is normal for dual household
children, perhaps you can feel somewhat reassured that your son is doing
well.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughters ages are 12 and 8. My children's father and I have
been divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period. My ex has
never been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years. He
began using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of
control behavior devastated our family. I sought help to heal both my and
my children's emotions and we have made great progress. I am much different
now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many
friends. We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation
however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with
the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year.
He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to
tell about me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and
accepting blame and smothering us with attention. This time he will not
return their calls, has changed his phone number and will not call them. He
has not seen them in the past two months although he had promised them to
never abandon them again. He makes promises to them and does not keep them,
tells them I am on drugs, and that I am promiscuous. They are becoming
tired of his constant lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have
a hard time convincing them to continue to try to make contact with him.
I know they are hurting under the "I don't really care" attitude and
I have tried to get their dad to understand what he is doing to them by
sending him articles on the subject and letters describing their pain. I
get no response. My question is do I continue to try to instigate my girls
to contact their dad or do I stop? I cannot stand to see the pain in their
faces and the hunger for his attention and affection. They feel like he
does not care for them anymore. I talk honestly with them and tell them he
is the one with the problems, they are not the problem but I know deep down
they still hurt. Please advise me on the best way to handle this situation.
Coni
Dear Coni:
This is a very tough situation for any parent. How sad it makes a
parent when their children's other parent seems to be troubled and seems to
be hell bent on selfish trouble making rather than loving and supportive
parenting. You obviously know that you can't change his behavior or change
is attitudes but that you can only control what you do and say and how you
parent. Your children's feelings are understandable and, in many ways,
healthy in that their feelings reflect their very real and very human pain.
For them to pretend that they don't hurt or for them to pretend that their
father isn't being emotionally inappropriate with them would be unrealistic
and, therefore, worriesome.
I think being honest with them is good plan insofar as the honesty
is required to support their realistic and accurate perceptions of what they
are going through. I wouldn't add fuel to the fire or give them information
that doesn't foster this (in other words, don't act out of your anger at
their father by going overboard). Asking them to instigate contact with
someone who is inappropriate with them is something I'd be cautious about.
However, you want to let them know that they always have your support and
permission in being in contact with their dad, in having a relationship with
him and in loving him. At some point, probably when they are older, they
will wish to communicate their pain to their father but this may not be
their time for it. However, rest more comfortably knowing that they are
communicating it to you and not holding it in and internalizing it.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am separated now from my daughters and have them on Saturdays and
take them to school in the mornings on Monday. I am a Dad who tries very
hard to get along with my ex but the girls had some behavior problems in her
home on a Friday and I was told I could not see them on Saturday. She is
punishing them with not being able to spend time with me Do you believe it
is ok?.
Dear Dad:
No, it absolutely is not OK. In fact, it is horrible. Your
relationship with the girls is not something to be used to punish them. You
must put a stop to this.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hi Dr. Simon :
I married a good man almost 2 years ago, and along with the marriage
came full custody of his daughter. I thought then it wouldn't be a problem.
My husband told me I could quit my job of 21 years to be a stay at home
mom...... I was so happy since I never had the chance to stay at home while
raising my own 2 (now grown children)! But now after 2 years I'm sick of the
situation.. my husband's ex doesn't pick up the child on a regular basis.
Only gives us a couple of hours notice when she is going to pick her up and
bring her home! (NO schedule around here!) Also, my husband never wanted
child support for his daughter, so the mom doesn't pay support, doesn't help
pay for school fees, ect... and leaves all the mother things to ME. I feel
trapped in this marriage. I feel like I'm living my life for everyone else.
I have tried several times to talk to my husband about these issues,
and he seems to "get out of it" some how, and the subject is sweeped under
the rug again!
I believe the mom should be MADE to pay support.. since we just purchased a
new home and now our finances need a little help... and my husband says I
might have to get a job again... I told him I don't mind helping out, but
untill he makes his ex pay support, I'm not getting a job after quiting my
job of 21 years!
I feel like I'm being used by my husband, and being made a fool out of by
his ex. She controls OUR lives!! (Mostly mine!!) Since I'm the one home and
my husband is working.
HELP!!!
Julie
Dear Julie:
What you have here, I think, is a marital problem. You have some
feelings about the way things are and your husband doesn't seem to be able
to listen to them, understand them or take them into account. Thing is,
however, that dealing with the child's mother is really your husband's job
and responsibility. You can let him know how you feel but it is up to him
to talk with her, deal with her and do what has to be done to make things
more reasonable. If he's not willing to do that, you have to decide what you
will do about your relationship with your husband. Not an easy situation to
be sure. But that's the reality of it. (By the way, the fact that you
purchased a new home doesn't obligate your husband's ex-wife to pay child
support. Child support is awarded by courts using various formulas. That
you choose to buy a house isn't something she is responsible. If she is
supposed to pay support and isn't paying support and your husband doesn't
get that order enforced but, instead, insists that you go back to
work...well...my dear...you have an even bigger marriage problem.)
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
My husband had 2 children by his first wife who is now deceased. I
adopted these children but they refer to their biological mother as "mommy
Lisa" - This really bothers me because they were too young to remember her
and she is NOT a mommy - I feel it's both confusing and unnecessary to call
her mommy. They call me mommy but I feel like they think they have 2 mommies
and they were raised (for 3 years) by a lot of different nannies so I think
it's confusing the role of what a mother truly is. I had a child coming
into this marriage and his biological father never saw him and signed away
his rights. My husband has adopted him and I don't refer to him as "daddy
Craig" - my husband thinks this is totally different because we weren't
married and Craig wasn't involved with his son. Am I being too sensitive?
Thanks,
Confused mommy
Dear Confused Mommy:
These children do have two mommies. One who is their biological
mother and one who is raising them. For them to refer to their biological
mother using the term that demonstrates that she is, in reality, their
mother, seems perfectly healthy to me. I think your worry and feeling
threatened is more the problem here. These children are understandbly
struggling to come to terms with and understand what has happened to them in
their lives and what this means to them. Relax. They can love you and still
love the memory of their biological mother.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
They do not get along at all and everytime they are together they're
arguing. Her father is now remarried and the wife yells at my daughter. My
daughter is extremely unhappy, I have a lawyer hired but she tells me that
my ex-husband could fight me and it could cost us thousands of dollars.
What right's does she have? I feel like I'm letting her down because I'm not
helping her.
My daughter was in tears again tonight when she called me from her fathers,
I'm afraid of what this will do to her.
Dear Mom:
attorney and because rights vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I can
say that it concerns me when children the age of your daugther are forced to
spend time with a parent against his/her will (assuming, of course, that the
teen has formed their own opinion and has not been manipulated by one parent
against the other). Forcing a child of this age inevitably results in a
worsening of the child with the parent they wish to spend less time with. It
results in angry, hostile and often defiant teenagers. My experience in 20
years of working in the area of child custody is that courts typically defer
to the wishes of a 16 year old who is thought to be mature, clear-thinking
and who has come to their opinion on their own. Your attorney is right - it
can be expensive and it can get nasty - but with children this age that is
the exception rather than the rule.
Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
boyfriend of 3 months. My boyfriend lives about 3 hours away from us and
just comes in on the weekend and stays the nights with us. My son does not
like having him there. I asked him why he doesn't like him and he just
shrugs his shoulders. I have been divorced for 4 years but he was not my
sons real father. We have lived alone for 4 years. I don't know if we
being alone with no male in the house has affected him or not. When my
boyfriend is there my son just stays in his room and does not come out. I
know I made I made a big mistake. I let my boyfriend go to my bedroom with
me and my son saw that. I wish I had not done that because that upset him
terribly. I ask him one day don't you want me to have a boyfriend and he
said no. I just don't know what to do. I get really lonely for
companionship.
Thanks
Dear Mom:
to him, a stranger, spend the night in your home. We have to be very
sensitive to the needs of our children when we, as single parents, begin to
date and when we wish to move new relationships to the next level.
Especially when children are teenagers, it makes sense to talk with them and
include them, in an appropriate way, when you decide to have someone you are
dating stay over night. Sometimes our children experience a resurgence in
feeling of grief and loss when we begin to date because this represents, in
a very real way, the end of the parental relationship all over again. Since
your boyfriend lives so far away, I know it is hard to have time together
and have him not stay in your home. I understand that you get really lonely
for companionship and, of course, your needs count too. Yet, remember your
15 year old is still young and immature. His needs still need to come first
over yours. That's what being a parent is all about.
Best Wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
who has a good healty relationship with his new step-dad. My new husband has
a 15 year old daughter. Both children live with us. My step-daughter, prior
to the new marrage, was living with her biological mom (who was also single
until recently) and had alternating weekends with her dad.
hands and show affection to each other, she get jealous. She will not leave
him alone with me, she hangs on him when she can, when in public if we are
holding hands, she either walks 20 feet away from us and pouts or if we
pause a moment to look at something she will lean against his back.
In the house, when he is home, she is all over him. When we shut a door for
privacy, she knocks every ten minutes or so, she has even come in and layed
down in bed with us, the long extended hugs and her way of showing possesion
of him is starting to wear on me, and is causing problems in our new
marrage. When he is not home , she breaks every house rule, tells her dad
she cant keep" walking on glass" around me. She has begun drinking, doing
drugs, sneeking prescription drugs from friends houses - she has had the
nerve to ask me what half a xanax would do for her stress, put on her by me.
She will not talk to a cousenlor and blames her unhappines on me. I have
tried to be patient, but the end is near. Books and online refrence have not
helped, she is stubborn and unwilling to cooperate. We have reasured her
that I am not replacing her mom or stealing her dad. Please help
Dear Stepmom:
psychological assistance for some time now. Nevertheless, I have a strong
suspicion that I'm not getting the entire story. Why did she move out from
her mother's house and in with you? Where there problems there as well?
There is more going on here than you are sharing.
you this...her father must lay down the law in as clear, precise and concise
way as possible. That's right, her father. Not you. He needs to tell her
what the limits are, what the consequences are for not respecting them and
what the rewards are for respecting them. He needs to do the parenting of
this issue. And by the way, if she is drinking and doing drugs, might it be
time to deal with those issues first? Certainly as long as she is abusing
substances, the ability to bring about positive changes on the other issues
is just about nil. Your job, stepmom, is to remain neutral when it comes to
all of this at least in terms of your interactions with the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
a previous marriage. My husband and I have custody of all the children. My
dilemma is this; My step-son who was an only child in his dads home (until 2
yrs ago) and oldest child in moms home; cries frequently. He bursts into
tears at the drop of a hat. I have spoken to his father at length about
this, as I do not know what to do to help the situation. His dad (my
husband) states that he's always been like this, not to be concerned. It's
very difficult for me as I'm the one doing most of the parenting because I
stay at home, while my husband works outside the home. I've become
increasingly frustrated with this situation as it's very hard to deal with a
crying child of his age. His crying fits sometime lead to other things, like
refusing to do a task (chore) or getting ready for school, so in turn
missing the bus. This also leads to more frustration on my part. Anything
can set this child off, missing a sock, forgetting to do a homework
assignment, having a class in school that he doesn't like, having a cough or
illness... it really doesn't matter, he just cries and whines a lot. My
children, surprisingly have not said much about this, but they have begun to
question me. I should mention that my step-son says he cries at school too,
at least once a day. On one occassion he was so upset (about having a cough)
that the school phoned us and had us come pick him up, due to his
unstoppable crying episodes. Help. What do we do? Is this normal for a
child his age?
Lanette
Dear Lanette:
to me. No, it is not normal for a child who is 11 1/2 to have uncontrolled
crying spells or to cry so easily/frequently. It may be that he has "always
been this way", but I do not see this as normal behavior or a child his age.
There could be numerous issues/factors contributing to the situation - I'm
sure you've got some of your own ideas about this. What I want you to do,
right away, is schedule an appointment for this child to see a qualified and
experienced child psychologist in your area. He deserves and appears to
require assessment and consultation with a professional who can help
everyone understand what is going on and begin the process of helping things
get better. Best wishes and thanks again for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
individual that I have read. I am a 33 year old divorce father of a 5 year
old. I have joint legal custody and have an impossible time communicating
with my daughters mother. I live 350 miles away from my daughter and until
recentley we (daughter and I) were able to share 38% of our time together.
Her mother remarried 6 months after our divorce and moved in with him one
month after the divorce. He is very well to do financially and about 17
years older then my daughters mother. I have been taken to court 9 times in
3 years. The last two times I went pro se and got beat up pretty good last
time. I was very ill-prepared completely my responsiblity. Her mother has
not allowed court ordered telephonic visitation for one year. She has
stated that my daughter's her child psychologist told her to stop phone
calls.. Beside the phone calls I have more then 175 violations against her
mother. I just recentley received the psychologists's phone number that was
seeing my daughter. I called him and ask for all of the records to sent to
me, and he informed me that my daughter will be in the see him next month
after 15 months and he would never tell a parent to stop phone calls with
the other parent. He told me she had adjustment disorder, her visits with
the doctor were always one week after she returned to her mother.
regularly on the phone when I was able to call "I want to come home daddy"
and other things like that. After I called her mothers attorney and informed
him of my plans regarding court, her mother allowed us the talk on Christmas
day. The next day I called back (visitation order), the answering machine
said, "I listen to you phone call with my daughter and I have decided if you
want to talk to her take me to court." The next day her mother made an
appointment to see the psychologist.
doctor with her mother and her husband right there beside her? Any
suggestions on this whole mess. I am taking her mother to court and
malicious mother sydrome is one of many things I can prove along with
others. Our child needs help what can I do to help. Gaurdian ad litem what
else? Thank you
Brandon
Dear Brandon:
is a mess and not one that tends to be easy to clean up. I have never heard
the term "Malicious Mother Syndrome". Where did you hear it? I'd be careful
about using it in Court unless it is a scientifically tested term that
stands up. This is beacause the term "syndrome" has a specific meaning, that
being, according to Webster, "A group of symptoms occurring together that
are characteristic and indicative of some underlying cause, such as a
disease". Instead, I'd simply describe the many problmes you've had,
describe the mother's behavior and describe your daugther's statements and
behavior. I think that this makes things very clear in a more compelling
fashion.
counsel of a qualified family law attorney. I worry when patients go it
alone in such high conflict cases. Asking the court to appoint a guardian
ad litem for your daughter might also make sense since this person would
then become an advocate for the child and would conduct his/her own
independent assessment of the situation and report back to the Court. Such
reports tend to have a lot of pursuasive power.
understand that whatever is or is not going on in her mother's home is
something you can't do anything about while she is in her mother's home.
Focus on what you can do in your home. Focus on making your home a safe
space and one in which all of this conflict isn't a focus. If she wants to
talk with you about things, listen and talk with her. Otherwise, don't bring
up the subject of this conlfict. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of
your relationship with her and focus on making the time you have together
important and nurturing.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
just been able to have overnites since he turned 3 in Aug. He has been going
with him every other weekend. He is now all of a sudden not wanting to talk
to him, and he even refuses to go with him. It has always been just the 2 of
them until he was able to go home with him and now his girlfreind that he
lives with is in the picture. She has 3 children of her own. My son is very
adiment about not talking to his father and even throws the phone when he
calls to talk to him. I dont know if something has happened while he has
been with them or if it is just something he is going through. Please help
me know what to do. I have full custody of my son, his father is allowed
visits and I dont want to send my son off 3-4 hrs away( he lives that far
away) every other weekend with his father if he is so unhappy to go.
Very confused
Dear Confused:
a reason to stop his spending time with his father. Of course it is painful
to see him unhappy but as parents, it is not our job to always make our
children happy. It is our job to do what is right for them. Sometimes, this
makes them unhappy as you no doubt know. Now, as to his unhappiness,
children his age often have trouble with transitions and changes.
Therefore, the simple fact that there has been a change in the child sharing
plan (the overnights) could make many 3 year old children unhappy and upset.
Since his father also now introduces into his life a new woman and her
childrne, it is also easy to understand how your son would have trouble
adjusting to this. Personally, I'd rather see his father spend some
overnight time with him 1:1 for a period of time before introducing his
girlfriend and her children into the overnight mix but I guess his father
had different ideas. Do know that nothing untoward has to "happen" for a
child this age to begin to protest. My suggestion is that you stay the
course with him, remind him that you and his father make the decisions as to
his whereabouts, that you have decided together on this new parenting plan
and allow him some time to adjust. One thing you didn't mention....have you
tried to talk to the father about this and express your concerns?
Certainly this is the best alternative since working together as parents
will always support your child's well being.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
if not at least I tried. Thank you. My daughter is turning 12 this year,
she has grown up with a very loveing family but the man that she knows as
her daddy is not her biological father.
for her and his biological son. He is a very good father and picks them up
every weekend. He does not want my daughter to know that he is not her
biological father for fear that she will not feel complete with him and
because he feels that since he has been their since the day she was born
that he is her real father and she don't need to know any different.
is french creole. She is the only one with dark skin and she questions it
all the time. The older she gets the more it seems to bother her. Many
times when ordering food at a fast food restaurant or going to Chucky Cheese
they will ask her "are you with them?" and sometimes she will yell back
"YES! this is my mother I'm just darker then them". We have told her that
she takes after my mom who had a lot of indian in her, but how long can we
keep that lie up. I have always stayed in touch with her biological father
and I send him new pictures of her from time to time. He did meet her two
years ago but I introduced him as a distance uncle. He has another daughter
that is a year older then her and he has 7 sons that are much older. When
do I tell her the truth and how do I tell her without damaging her
relationship with her dad? and will she hate me for not telling her sooner?
and how do I get her dad to understand that she needs to know the truth? Or
does she? and what about my son how will he feel about this?Lots of
questions. Can you help me? Should I just let the lie keep going?
Please help me, bjd
Dear BJD:
this is a very hard issue. My opinion is that it would be best for your
daguther to know the truth. She clearly is struggling with aspects of her
identity and who she is. Knowing about where she came from will help her to
consilidate her identity which is an important thing for her. I do
understand her father's worry that she will be angry with him or feel
distant from him. I can only tell you that I believe she will be even more
angry when one day she learns that she has been lied to (and trust me,
somehow she will learn). Love is not carried on genes, it is carried in the
heart. Attachment is not carried in heredity, it is in the soul. If her
father can be candid and open and even willing to share his fears with her,
I strongly believe you'll have the best outcome possible.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
new. They've only been dating a few months. The problem is the new
girlfriend is pressuring him to introduce her to his daughter. The
relationship is tumultuous and hostile at the best of times. My friend
doesn't think it's in his daughters' best interest to introduce the
girlfriend to his daughter but wants some expert advice on what an
appropriate waiting period should be before introducing a child to a new
partner. The girlfriend, who is a teacher and her friends continue to urge
him to make the introduction. She doesn't understand why he won't. I've
advised him that it's important to have a sound and stable relationship with
someone before introducing your children to them. In my opinion, this can't
occur for at least 6 mos. to a year of dating someone. Especially when you
aren't even divorced yet. What is your advice?
Thank You & Best Regards!
Shannon
Dear Shannon:
or optimal waiting time before introducing children to a new
boyfriend/girlfriend. I wholeheartedly agree that the parent should not do
this unti he/she is comfortable doing so and this is going to vary from
person to person of course. The fact that yoru friend is not divorced is
something that may or may not play a role. As I am sure you know, divorce
can be a long-winded process taking many months, sometimes years. I also
know that for many, there are religious issues having to do with dating
before final divorce and as a pyschologist, I cannot comment upon these
issues since they are out of my domain of expertise. Suffice it to say that
your friend should not bow to pressure from his new girlfriend. When he is
ready, then the time is right. Her pushing him to become ready and his not
being ready may well have to do with aspects of the relationship that,
ultimately, are related to whether this is or is not a good relationship to
begin with.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have recently moved to new homes a little farther from each other. We now
live 40 miles, about 45 min. away from each other. We have been in
litigation since we first split up over the custody. She wants me to have
nothing to do with the children, I want half custody. I am now seeing them
about 20% of the time. We have one last hearing now in front of the main
judge in 2 weeks. I am asking the judge to grant me 2 overnights during the
school week since my days off are Wed. and Thurs. plus 3 weekends of every
month. I will be taking my oldest to school those days and picking him up.
We would need to get up at 7am to get to school on time since we are 45 min.
away from school. The boys usually get up around 8am on their own anyway.
My question is; do you think that I live to far away from their mother and
their school to be asking for so much custody. I don?t mind the drive at
all and the kids don?t seem to mind either. Their mother is using this as a
way to keep me from them though, saying that it is too far of a drive and
they would have to get up to early in the morning to go to school.
Meanwhile, they stay at her mother?s house in a cramped trailer with no
bedroom of their own because she works late some nights of the week. What
do you think my chances are of winning in court? Is it bad for the children
to travel?
Thanks so much.
Rob
Dear Rob:
the driving time is the fact that you and your children's mother have been
litigating custody since the time you split up. This conflict/litigation
presents the greatest threat to your children - far greater than their
having to drive 45 minutes to get to school.
from school commute 45 minutes or more to school and home again. I don't see
this time frame, in and of itself, as a barrier. Nevertheless, please be
aware that if the children to to school in their mother's community that as
they become older and their activities/peer relations become more important
to them than they are now that it would be normal and predictable that they
will develop a desrie not to have two homes so far apart. Since for
children, their school community is often experienced as their home base
community, be prepared for them to become less and less willing to spend so
much time away from their friends - just know that this is probably in the
future.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
is 14, when her father and I divorced in 1998 i was the sole custodial
parent, then in 2000 I lost sole custody of our daughter and got joint
physical with her father having primary custody, as a significant change has
happened in her life, I was recently awarded sole custody with her father
having liberal visitation. My daughter seems to be doing ok, but the same
problem I had before I lost custody with her attitude and behaviors were
alot worse when she came back form her dads are happening again. I am
seeking counseling for her, but for the mean time, my question is, If she is
being disrespectful to myself and boyfriend(of 5 yrs), not doing her
homework correctly and neatly, and not doing her responsibilities as asked,
should she be rewarded to go and spend an overnite or extra time with her
father? thank you kim
Dear Kim:
misbehavior is, in my view, a form of emotional abuse.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I married a man 3 years ago with an 8 year old son. His mother only
sees him at Christmas (one week) and has only contacted him once on his
birthday since we started dating. The problem is I do not believe it is
healthy for the son to contact his mom - I believe it is her responsibility
to call him. In the past five years she has called our home a total of two
times. My son misses his mother and I try to be sympathetic when he says he
misses her, but I have not allowed him to call her. His father has stated
he can call her whenever he wants but the child only asks me if he can call
her - never his dad - also anytime we are shopping he asks me to buy
presents for his half-sister (she lives with their mother). Each time he
has seen her, she lavishes him with gifts and money and then no contact with
him at all. I don't want to screw this kid up - but I also don't want to
aid in the illusion that his mom is great. I love him dearly and I don't
know what to do! Any advise would be appreciated.
Dear Stepmom:
Thanks for writing. Simply put, you are wrong. It is absolutely
acceptable and, indeed, a good thing, for your stepson to contact his mother
when he wishes to. Children of divorce do best when they know that they can
access the other parent as they wish. In this case, being able to call his
mother when he wishes to helps accomplish this. While it makes me sad to
hear that his mother makes precious little effort to stay in touch with him,
let's not punish him by disallowing him from contacting her.
when in fact he is your stepson. The boy has a mother. It worries me that
you as the stepparent make it your responsibility to allow or not allow him
to call his mother. This is the domain of a parent, not a stepparent. I
sense here, perhaps, some rivalry between you and the child's mother. Get
this out of the way. Love him to the depth of your heart but understand who
you are and are not in his life.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
pregnant, her father broke up with me. I later learned he was cheating on
me. Well, he ended up marrying this girl and having a child with her just
5-6 months after our daughter was born. He wanted to give up his rights (and
although I am not 100 percent sure, I believe his wife had a lot to do with
this). When she was just 9 months old, he did give up his rights. My
daughter started asking me about her father at age 5, even wanting to ask
Santa for her dad for Christmas. I just said I didn't know where he lived,
and when she asked if he loved her, I said he did. My mother, however,
decided to give her more information (without asking me). She told her his
full name, that we were married at one time, and that he lives in the area.
She now asks to see him and why he doesn't want to see her. She also thinks
that I broke up with him and that I treated him badly, which caused him to
leave. (I'm not sure if she got this from my mom or came to these
conclusions on her own.) She doesn't have a father figure in her life. My
dad passed away when she was 10 months old, and there is no one in my life
at the present time. People have told me that I need to contact him to see
if he would like to start a relationship with her. I am very leary about
this because (1) I think she is too young and (2) I don't want her to get
hurt by her expectations not being met. This morning in the car, she said
that a boy at school's family is divorced and he gets to see his dad. Why
doesn't she get to see hers? I don't know what to do or how to answer her. I
don't want to lie to her and am very angry with my mother for that. What can
I say to her? Do I contact him?
Thank you,
Lori
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Dear Lori:
agree with you - your mother should not have done what she did. But since
it is done, that's water under the bridge and you have to deal with the
situation at hand. It sure seems that your daughter has a spot in her heart
for her father and she is telling you that she wants to try to fill that
spot. I think I would probably contact the father and see what his attitude
is vis-a-vis your daughter. I would not be at all surprised if he is very
open to meeting her and getting to know her. If he is not, at least your
daughter will know that you resepct her wishes, understand them and value
them. Another thougth I have is to suggest that you contact a qualified
child psychologist in your area and ask this individual to get to know your
daughter and assist you with your handling of the situaiton and the
introduction of her father to her should this occur. Either way, the
psychologist will be able to support your child (if she begins to form a
relationship with him or if she has to deal with his rejection).
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
ago. My son's ex girlfriend lives approx. 5 hours away and comes to see the
child approx. every 8 weeks. The last time she came she took her for 4
days/nights in a row. The child seemed happy when she returned but has since
REFUSED to get near her babybed. She is terrified of it. I worry that these
extended visits, away from her daddy and grandma (who she is very attached
to) are just too much for her to deal with. Is it unfair to ask the mother
to try to come and see the child more often so as to get to know the child a
little better, before we will allow anymore overnight/extended visits??
I do want her to be a part of my grandchilds life but I also am concerned
for the childs emotions.
Thank you,
Cindy
Dear Cindy:
parent writes of concerns such as these. From the tone of your letter, it
is clear that you are attached and invested in your grandchild which is
great. I have to wonder, however, what does the father think? Isn't this
properly his concern and his problem to solve? It is hard enough to be a
parent without having one's own parent take control over the situation.
from his/her primary home, it usually isn't a great idea to have them begin
to spend time away in long blocks of time (such as four days). It makes
more sense to begin with a one night away time frame then progress to two
after a couple of successful one-night stays and so forth.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period. My ex has never
been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years. He began
using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of control
behavior devastated our family. I sought help to heal both my and my
children's emotions and we have made great progress. I am much different
now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many
friends. We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation
however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with
the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year.
He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to tell about
me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and accepting blame
and smothering us with attention. This time he will not return their calls,
has changed his phone number and will not call them. He has not seen them
in the past two months although he had promised them to never abandon them
again. He makes promises to them and does not keep them, tells them I am on
drugs, and that I am promiscuous. They are becoming tired of his constant
lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have a hard time convincing
them to continue to try to make contact with him. I know they are hurting
under the "I don't really care" attitude and I have tried to get their dad
to understand what he is doing to them by sending him articles on the
subject and letters describing their pain. I get no response. My question
is do I continue to try to instigate my girls to contact their dad or do I
stop? I cannot stand to see the pain in their faces and the hunger for his
attention and affection. They feel like he does not care for them anymore.
I talk honestly with them and tell them he is the one with the problems,
they are not the problem but I know deep down they still hurt. Please
advise me on the best way to handle this situation.
Coni
Dear Coni:
difficult circumstances. You seem to have a good grasp on your own feelings
and your daughter's feelings and it seems that you are able to focus on the
girl's without getting your feelings in the way.
disappointed, they learn not to get their hopes up so that they don't get
deeply hurt over and over again. Certainly, having a parent who seems to
care more about his/her self and his/her problems hurts even if you try hard
to make it not hurt. At this point, it sounds like it may be best to make
sure your girls know that you always want them to feel free to contact their
dad and be with their dad but I'd stop trying to overtly encourage it. Allow
them to contact him as they wish - this gives them some sense of control
over a situation that they otherwise have absolutely no control over.
supportive of your kids.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
custody. He has their 4 year old daughter every Wednesday night, every
other Sunday night and every other weekend. The ex-wife is constantly
asking the father to watch their daughter when it is on her "time". She
usually goes on day and weekly vacations or goes out with her friends. My
boyfriend is having a hard time with this, financially. When he is asked
to watch their daughter during her time, it cuts into his work. He truly
enjoys spending time with his daughter, but in the end it is stressing him
out because he is not making the money he needs in order to make ends meet.
He is so afraid to say no, because he thinks it makes him out to a bad
father. Any suggestions on how he should handle?
Erika
Dear Erika:
child's mother asks me to spend more time with my child than would otherwise
be the case. Of course, it is easy to understand how this might cut into
his income if he takes time off from work to be with the child. If would
have him tell the mother, next time she asks, that he is happy to be with
the child but that he will need financial assistance with child care since
he has to work. Certainly she can understand that he works, right? This
doesn't make him out to be a bad father. It makes him out to be a
responsible father who wishes to make sure his child is safe while at the
same time being able to work to provide for the child. And if he feels that
he needs to say "no", that's a perfectly fine answer too. The child sharing
plan is in place to allow each paren to plan ahead for both child-rearing
time and non-child rearing time. He is allowed to have plans that make him
unavailable - this is called reality.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I believe that my wife of 17 years is divorcing me due to a severe
Mid-life Crisis (MLC), compounded by some serious, possibly unresolved
problems in her background (e.g., an abusive father - parents divorced 30
years, an abusive first husband, turning 50 last year, an 80-pound weight
loss, mother dying of cancer, a scare with breast cancer 2 years ago, I lost
my job a year ago, had to take a huge pay cut, etc.). I want to save our
marriage, but my wife doesn't. We are fighting for custody of our 14 and 12
year old sons, as I have been primary caregiver, working at home for most of
their lives. She says I have controlled and manipulated her -- "knowingly,
intentionally and maliciously" -- haven't loved or liked her, etc. We have
been ordered to go for a family psychological assessment (406B in Illinois),
which I welcome - I think. Do you have any familiarity with this
assessment? Any advice? Will these tests pick up MLC? How about the
underlying problems?
I appreciate your help.
Thank you,
Bill
Dear Bill:
doesn't seek to lay blame for the end of a marriage or to investigate why a
marriage ended. It aims to determine what is in the best interests of the
child in terms of a parenting/child sharing plan. If there are mental
health issues present in either parent that might play a role in how they
parent children, these can be evaluated and factored into the child sharing
plan recommended by the evaluator. That's one of the purposes of such an
assessment. As to whether the assessment can pick up "Mid Life Crisis",
this is not an identified psychological disorder with well defined and
agreed to diagnostic criteria (such as exists for depression, for example).
Nevertheless, please keep in mind that issues of blame, while often debated
by the parents in such evaluations, are not what a competent evaluator
focuses on or particuarly concerns him/herself with.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
husband has custody of his daughter (13) and son (18)..the daughter is
driving me nuts..when we say "NO" to something she gets upset and angry and
ruins our day.she doesn't understand the word "NO".she starts slamming doors
and stuff..after discussing these incidents with her dad..he tries to talk
with her and she shuts him out by saying she doesn't want to talk about
it.as her step mother..i really don't know what to do when she acts like a
two year old.thank you.
Anna
Dear Anna:
to effectively parent this young lady who sounds, at best, hard to parent.
Certainly, I would communicate clearly to your husband how you feel about
this, what you feel needs to be done and encourage him to take definitive
and clear action. At least, it sounds like this young lady needs some
psychological assistance...have you obtained such help for her?
sometimes, the misbehavior of one difficult child can be a key factor in the
failure of such families and the new marriage. Be realistic. I know you
love your new husband but be sure to pay attention as well to how your
children are coping with all the change and the impact of your
step-daughter's out of control behavior.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have beet together since she was 13 months old. Her mom is very jealous
of the relationship I have with her daughter since we recently got custody.
Since I have been in her life almost from the start when she started talking
I became mommy & her mother became momma. She now tells the child EVERY
time she refers to me as mommy that SHE is mommy & she gave birth to her &
she will not tolerate it. The child has told me that she gets into trouble
if she slips up. She is told to call me by my name only. I just chalked it
up to her stupidity & let it go but now the child has asked if I'm not her
mommy & she can't call me that does that mean I don't love her or want her.
The other problem is that when she is mad at her mother she intentionally
says she is not her mother I am to be spiteful. I do not know what to do in
this situation.
Dear Stepmom:
child is calling someone else mommy. Usually, I encourage parents not to
allow children to call stepparent's by the special terms of endearment such
as mom/mommy or dad/daddy. I always encourage them to find another suitable
term of endearment. However, somteimes children choose to do this on their
own, spontaneously and without encouragement. In such situations, I suggest
that the child be allowed to do what comes naturally. So, just be patient
and hang in there. No matter what, show the child how much you love her and
tell her you love her. Let her know that you realize she is under a lot of
pressure and ask her what she thinks may solve the problem. The sad part is
that her mother's behavior is going to alienate the child. Perhaps you can
find a sane moment to sit down with the mother and talk about how you can
all work together to love the child and allow her to love each of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
daughter's life for the first time nine months ago. Prior to that time, my
daughter believed that a man her mother lived with for two years (from
2-4-years old) was her father. He had a son my daughter's age who called his
father dad and naturally my daughter began doing the same. But her mother
never corrected our daughter, even after the relationship ended and the man
moved out. In the four years that followed, her mother allowed our daughter
to remain in contact, albeit infrequently, with the man she thought was dad.
She stopped this when I entered my daughter's life.
write twice a week (sharing information on who I am-work, habits, hobbies,
photos, etc.), and call once a week. Initially my daughter was guarded but
somewhat positive towards me (though she took to my sister, her Auntie,
immediately).
But she has grown increasingly distant and withdrawn, towards me over the
months. I have stopped calling her because she fiercely resists coming to
the phone. I've also cut back on my letter-writing, though I continue my
regular visits. Her mother says our daughter reads my letters when they
arrive but never comments. But I wonder if I've been putting too much
pressure on her with the calls and letters, hence the pulling back.
developing a positive father/daughter relationship, but I am becoming
frustrated. My plan was to relocate to be closer to her, but now I'm not
sure. The mother has repeatedly said that our daughter knew nothing about me
until the month or so leading to our first meeting. Our daughter is quite
bright but spoiled.
Any actionable thoughts would be appreciated.
Joe
Dear Joe:
regard to her relationship with you and the reality of who you are must be
truly overwhelming. They'd overwhelm an adult ahd she's only eight years
old! It is hard to imagine how this young child would do anything but behave
in a somewhat erratic fashion. Remember, in many ways, she has been deceived
and misled by those she trusts the most. She needs time. I also think it
could be very important and helpful to afford her the services of a
professional psychologist who can help her cope with her feelings, help her
better identify them and help her build the means of handling them more
adaptively. This could also be an important forum for the two of you to sit
down together and discuss who you are to each other, who you wish to be to
each other and ways of making that happen. Joe, please be careful not to
overwhelm her. For you, being in a close father-daughter relationship is
only positive. For her, it may be something she experiences in a mixed and
ambivalent fashion right now so stay focused on her feelings. These are the
emotions to respond to, not yours.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
many times to reconcile our differences. We have a two and a half year old
son, who has really developed much better while her and I were together
since we were both raising him at the same time. Recently, we had gotten to
the point where we were planning on moving in together and eventually
getting married again. Life for me had become pretty stressful with work
and, in an attempt to gain reassurance for her feelings, I broke up with her
(hoping she would beg me not to since she loved me so much). At that time I
told her that I didn't think she really loved me and so on. The next day I
begged for forgiveness and said I was really sorry. We got back together,
and she told me she loved me and even wrote me a love letter professing her
love. So we were still going to move in together. A couple of days later
she broke up with me, then two days after that started dating a guy from
work. He spends everyday over at her house and I think my son is confused.
He has said certain things like, "Jeremy is bad," and "Mommy wants Jeremy
now." I'm not so sure he recognizes me as his father anymore and just calls
me "Daddy" be cause that's what he thinks my name is. I think he is
confused and upset about the situation. However, my ex just says that he
will have to adjust and that 50% of marriages end in divorce, so things will
be okay. I suggested that our son not have any interaction with Jeremy for
a couple of weeks so that the adjustment could be more normal, but my ex has
said no to that. When I voice my concerns, she says that I am overreacting.
Am I?
I think that she is being too blas?or nonchalant about the situation, and I
am wondering your advice. I would really appreciate some guidance. Thank
you.
Dear Dad:
He has two parents who are manipulative, dishonest and who use emotions as
toys and ways of extracting from others what they want. Your son is only
acting the way you taught him to behave! Want him to change? Change how
you behave with each other and towards him!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
son's set visitation time is every other weekend and on Sundays that his
father does not have him he goes and spends the day. Also Every Tuesday he
is suppose to go from 5-7pm. On Thursdays from 5-7 if his father has him
that weekend and then overnight on Thursdays if his father does not have
him. Lately more and more he cancels during the week. I am tired of seeing
my son upset because of his father's cancellations. I have talked to his
father about this but he says it is beyond his control. I don't know what
to do about this. It is hurting my son and he is starting to put a wall up
to his father now. Please give me some advise on this.
Thank you
Christy
Dear Christy:
erecting walls with regard to the parent who is inconsistent. Of course,
you can't control what the father does and it has been my experience that
courts really have no power to force a parent to exercise the agreed to
parenting time they have. What you might consider doing is talking with the
father and explaining your concerns to him in a fashion that is child
focused rather than focused on your frustrations. If the child's father
understands how his inconsistency if impacting the child, he may be
motivated to become more consistent. You may also be able to agree to a
visitation schedule he feels he can keep and be consistent with. The key to
this kind of discussion is to keep it about the child and the child's well
being and the well being of the child's relationship with his father. No
guarantees, of course, but certainly worth a try. Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
months old. I gave him custody-I just wanted out and my boyfriend wasn't
too keen on kids. That was seven years ago. He remarried 4 years ago.I
recently became engaged to a great guy that supports me having a
relationship with my kids. A couple years ago I took my ex to court because
he moved 30 minutes away and I wanted to continue my mid-week. I got it,
but it didn't work the way I thought, so I cancelled it. That summer, while
we were in court, I decided to exercise my summer visitation and took them 5
weeks. The next summer I took them 1 week and was having a lot of emotional
problems again. This last summer my daughter refused to come for the whole
5-6 weeks. She agreed to stay 2 weeks. This Christmas I have them for a
week which I want to take. I've only taken them Christmas day or the day
after previously, but I'm allowed the whole week. When she found out, she
was very adament about only staying a couple days and going back home to her
toys/friends/dad, especially since I will be working and she will be staying
with a babysitter (my fiancee). She's been coming for regular weekends
w/out any opposition for years now, its just the weeks in the summer and
Christmas that she doesn't want to extend for me.
Nikki
Dear Nikki:
priority in your life? You gave them up because your new boyfriend wasn't
keen on kids? HUH? Now you want more time with them because you are with a
man that likes kids? Are you kidding me? You gave up midweek visits
because they didn't work the way you wanted them to? Nikki, Nikki...these
children are human beings. This isn't a game. Children thrive on
consistent love and on knowing that they are the most important thing in
your life. You've not shown them this. No wonder they resist you. I don't
blame them at all. Try making your kids the most important thing in your
life and give them LOTS of time to recognize you've done this. Maybe, just
maybe, they'll forgive you. But it could be too late, I'm afriad.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
his 3 children, 2 girls, 14 & 12, and a 10 year old boy. I have not met the
kids, but he has met the 2 most important people in my life, my sister and
my best friend. Now that the holidays are coming up, he has not mentioned
that he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me. Is it ok for me to bring up the
issue of meeting his kids and being together on Thanksgiving? I don't know
whether to bring it up or just do my own thing and see what happens for
Christmas and New Years. The relationship is fairly new, but we are
exclusive. I love him and I want to be part of his kids' life as well. Is it
wise to let him know I want to meet the kids already, or is it too soon?
Please help... Thank you.
New Girlfriend
Dear New Girlfriend:
only your boyfriend can decide. It seems to me that after three months of
exclusive dating that it would make sense to meet the children. Certainly,
in order for the two of you to know whether you can push ahead to the next
level in your relationship will mean his seeing how you are with his
children and you seeing how you feel with his children. However, your
boyfriend has to decide when he is ready to bring them into the mix. If you
are becoming impatient, tell him.
important events such as the Thanksgiving and Christmas observations may not
be the best time to meet the kids for the first time. These are important
family observations - you are not a family yet - and these can also be
volatile times in the life of a family as you know. As much as you'd like,
perhaps this is not the year to spend the holiday celebrations together.
Leave that for next year!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
of 2004. A visitation schedule of Tuesdays with every other weekend for a
few hours was given to the "father". Now, because of a change in my
schedule I want to change his Tuesdays to Wednesdays. Please be aware that
this man is very angry and controlling, nothing nice comes out of his mouth
when he speaks to me. Can I just give him notice and change the day, ask
him to change (which I know he will give me nothing but grief and say that
he was given Tuesdays in the fixed visitation) or do I have to go to court
since it was written these days in the final document? Thank you.
Dear Mom:
multiple-year battle over this child. You describe him in very negative
ways yet you put the word "father" in quotation marks, certainly to
demonstrate your disdain for the man. So yes, given that the two of you are
committed to be nasty to one another, you'll probably have to go to court to
get this changed since it doesn't appear that the two of you can reach an
agreement. In reality, you and the child's father can negotiate and agree
to whatever parenting plan you choose. The court only steps in when you
can't agree. So let me give you a piece of advice...WORK HARDER to overcome
whatever the obstacles are between you and your child's father. You don't
have to like each other or have warm feelings for each other. But if you can
work together for the interests of the child, you can avoid an endless cycle
of court hearings, costs and all the crap that goes with it. Just don't say
you weren't warned.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My 14 year old son does not understand where the child support money
goes to when his father gives him the check to give to me. He is under the
impression that the entire amount must go to him for buying everything that
he wants (especially clothes....) Unless he sees something in writing
showing where child support money needs to go, he is under the impression
that it is to be spent entirely on buying him expensive sneakers and
clothes. Would you please be so kind as to list where child support money
goes, as he doesn't want to listen to me. I need to show him in writing by
a professional that $300 a month does not mean buying clothes. Thank you
for your help and advice.
PS -- all he talks about is "where are we going shopping," "can we go to
the mall when I get out of school," and counts the balance that is left each
time a purchase is made.....
Again, thank you.....
Dear Mom:
give creedence to the words of someone he has never met or heard of? What
you need, mom, is two things. First, you and your child's father need to
pull this child out of the middle of your co-parental relationship. For
example, having him bring you the child support check is inappropriate and
outrageous! This should be transacted between you and his father. When I
hear what you are telling me, I get concerned that bringing the check to you
is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to ways in which your son is drawn
into conflict between you and his father. Both you and his father need to
bring an end to this. Second, you need to establish with your son that you
are the parent and that he is the child. This means that respecting your
authority and "listening" to you is something that is expected from him.
When children don't respect the authority of parents, it is almost always
the case that the parent acts in ways so as to not set the expectation clear
and so as to fail to follow through. For example, it sounds like you are
taking him shopping each month with child support money.
or you will find that the difficulty is only beginning.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
hitting and scratching the other kids at daycare. He says that he wants his
mommy and daddy. I have been separated from his father my ex husband for 13
months, he was very well adjusted and went with the flow on everything, he
is an amazing little boy. His father has of about a month ago, started
dating this girl with a 1 year old son and a new puppy. I told him that the
best way was to introduce our son slowly to her, but he insisted that since
I was in a relationship that it shouldn't matter if our son sees them
together, he instantly has her sleeping over and the baby sleeping in his
room. I think that this is taking away his space and time with his father
that he is used to having. I told him that in my relationship, the first 7
months that he saw us together was as friends and that his kids and my son
played. It wasn't till seven months that we were on vacation and he saw us
in bed together. He was fine and nothing changed. I think that him seeing
this woman in his fathers bed was too soon and this wasn't the first girl to
be seen in his dad's bed. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets all
defensive and just says that it shouldn't matter because I am in a
relationship that what he is doing is fine. Is this the case or am I just a
worried mom and trying to blame my son's recent behavior on something that
isn't too be worried about. I can just say that this time frame and my sons
behavior are just a coincidence. Please help. Chrissy
Dear Chrissy:
including the one you mention with his father. I can see how you have
concluded that he is reacting to the change in his father's life and,
perhaps he is. So even if we assume that this is what is going on, the
challenge to you is to recognize that his father can and will make choices
in his life and that you simply don't have the impact/influence over him
that you did when you were spouses. Instead of talking to him about what he
is doing and how your son is reacting, tell him what you've found works for
you. Rather than telling him the "best way" to do something, let him know
what you've learned and what you've found successful. That's always a much
more useful way to communicate, particualrly in circumstances such as those
common after divorce. Also, no matter what your son may be
reacting/responding to, give him time to adapt to whatever the situation may
be. Children are amazingly resilient and time is the best ally you have so
much of the time.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
his ex-wife divorced when his daughter was 2. She is just turning 9. We
have been married since she was four. We have my step-daughter every
weekend, Friday to Monday. Every time she comes she is extremely clingy
with her dad. He can't go to the bathroom or go change his clothes without
her following him. He and I can not even have a conversation without her
running right up to hear everything we are saying. She is constantly
grabbing his hand, hugging him and wanting to cuddle with him a while we are
all sitting on the couch. We have a 2 year old son together and she seems
to enjoy him, but she always seems to make sure that she has her dad's
undivided love and attention. She seems to take on the equal role to me,
disciplining our 2 year old, involving herself in conversations I have with
her dad, etc. I am frustrated and do not know how to best handle this
situation. I have started to dread every weekend. He is also gone most of
the day Sundays and she becomes very bossy and sassy with me. I am not sure
the best way to handle the discipline without becoming the wicked stepmom,
even though my husband is fine with me disciplining her. How to I handle
these situations.
Your advice will be extremely helpful.
Thanks.
Dear Not-Yet-Wicked Stepmom:
certainly appears that this young lady is experiencing some feelings that
she is not coping with as well as one would hope. It seems obvious that she
does miss her father and it seems that she does experience you as a rival
and as keeping her from being closer to her father. I strongly suggest that
you consider consulting with a qualified child psychologist in your area to
see what kind of professional assistance might be useful because this is a
problemmatic set of behaviors.
her father (your husband) handle the discipline. I think it is fine for you
to talk with the child about how you feel and how she feels and what it is
like for you to be treated poorly by her. However, everyone's interests are
served by your allowing dad to take the lead in the discipline. Therefore,
you and your husband need to talk privately about your thoughts/feelings
about the disciplinary issues but let him carry the message to the child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I after 4 years of marriage have decided to separate. We
have a beautiful 3 year old little girl. My husband left and is living with his
, mother, sister, brother-in-law and 2 out of control boys (6 and 9). He now
wants overnight stays. He wants to pick her up on Saturday afternoons and
bringing her back Sunday 6pm. He is a good father, but his family smokes in
front of the children and I don't smoke my husband thinks I am a prude He is
sleeping on a couch and my daughter will be sleeping with her grandmother who
does not even speak to me This makes me feel very uncomfortable. My husband
thinks I am being hard headed, but I am scared of her little cousin who one was
diagnosed with ADD and has a mouth on him (6yr old). I would feel a little more
comfortable if he had his own place and she her own room. This separation is
turning very bitter. I want the best for my daughter. I want her to have a
relationship with her dad.
Dear Mom:
Of course you would feel best if he had his own place...but he doesn't. You
say that your husband is a good father. If he is a good father, won't he make
sure that the child is safe and protected? While you may not like the fact that
there is smoking in the house and that there is a 6 year old with ADD, if you
want your daugther to have a relationship with her father, then you need to work
on getting your anxiety under control and let go. Is the situation idea? Of
course not. Does this mean that it is unsafe for your child?
It is particularly critical in the early stgaes of a separation that your
child have regular time with and interactions with both parents. What you want
to try and avoid, if at all possible, is ending up in court over this matter.
If you end up in court, no matter what the outcome, everyone loses because of
the increased conflict, the emotional cost, the financial cost and all that goes
with involving court systems in making personal decisions. So think carefully
about your situation and try and come to grips with the fact that things are not
ideal. So long as they are safe enough, it is likely that what is best for your
daughter is to have time with her father, even if he currently lives with his
extended family.
Thanks for writing and best wishes to all three of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
living with us he put in no time with my son. He prefered to go out to the
pubs. Now he gets custody of him for 10 hours a fornight. When my son comes
back from him he won't sleep properly, won't eat a thing, he hits and kicks
things and throws himself on the ground. Won't continue toliet training.
Grinds his teeth. Last time he came back from him he wouldn't let me
change his nappy and screamed.
Normally he is a happy child, he will aproach anyone and warm to them
straight away. He is not unsettled around anyone.
Dear Mom:
very reactive to the emotions of those around them. Certainly, you suspect
that he is not being properly taken care of at his father's home and is
reacting to that. And, that is possible of course. But his behavior could
also be due to his reaction to transitions and he may adjust to the
transitions with a bit more time. He may also be reacting to your anxiety
and your emotions/fears so be careful to watch how you behave and how you
might communicate your feelings about his father to him.
he say? Does he notice some difficult behavior in his home too?
treated in his father's home, consult an attorney and consider what the
options are through the legal system but please use the system as a last
resort.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have a ten year old son and a six year old daughter. I know of two
situations where by the mother thought the 10 year old boy should live with
the father(better role model). In both cases they had only one child. Even
if my son would rather live with me, is this in the best interest of both my
children. Of course my wife would not want to split them up. I want to do
what is best for their present psychological state and their future one as
well.
Thank you,
Vince
Dear Vince:
must be approached as unique. Nevertheless, it is generally accepted and
research demonstrates that for young children, keeping them together fosters
their well being and helps them cope with and adapt to the restructuring of
the family. Splitting them up tends to foster competition, the forming of
coalitions within the family and deprives them of the consistent and stable
presence of the sibling relationship. I would encourage you to think very
carefully about splitting up the children between the homes. I hope this
helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
remarried to a wonderful man alomost three years ago and we have been
together for over four years. I divorced my daughter's father when she was
2. My daughter sees her bio-dad every other weekend or so. We had made
plans for Thanksgiving to have dinner with some friends of ours (their kids
are her friends). When we picked her up last weekend from her bio dad's he
said he wants her to drive to NY with him for Thanksgiving. She doesn't know
what she wants to do. She is afraid of hurting people's feelings. Do you
think she is old enough to make the decision? Is that too much
responsibility for her?
Deborah Miller
feel ready to make this decision herself. In over 20 years of clinical
practice, I don't think I've ever met a 7 year old who is mature enough to
make child-sharing decisions. This is why parents and the courts develop
child sharing plans that determine where the children are to be on holidays
and so forth. If you don't have a plan that specifies this, then it is up
to you and the child's father to sit down and, together, decide where your
daugther will spend Thanksgiving this year. You can then present this
decision to her as something you decided upon together. That takes her out
of the middle and frees her of the worry and anxiety that she is upsetting
someone.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
counsel others towards healthy relationships? I must wonder if an expert in
the field of family guidance is unsuccessful in their own marriage, how
could they be successful in guiding others to successful relationships. I
ask this because the author of a book I am reading is such like you
(divorced and family counselor), as well as the therapist I am treating with
(I learned from a friend that they too were divorced). Makes me wonder
whether marriage will have any meaning in the next decade. Don't you just
get tired of hearing of all the separation of family issues? It's not
supposed to be this way.
Lynn
Dear Lynn:
think the point you raise deserves a response. The dry cleaner gets spots
on his shirt. The banker needs to borrow money sometimes. The doctor gets
sick and needs to take medication. The psychologist encounters problems in
his/her own life that must be solved. In some ways, I think having gone
through divorce gives me a certain empathy with others going through divorce
and, in this way, may assist me in working with couples who are struggling
with their relationship. Do I recommend divorce? Certainly not! But since
life happens and things happen, it is important to learn from them and see
how you can make them work in your life rather than seeing how you can be
hurt or destroyed by them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
allotted to pay $540 a month child support for our three children. We have
been separated for about four years now, and he moved in with a girlfriend
about two years ago. That is the basic story. His character has confused me,
as he has written several emails (hundreds I should say) about his
spirituality. After a year of waiting for him to pay the allotted child
support, I finally decided to file with the state for the child support. He
became very angry and proceeded to send some very angry and disturbing
emails, and voicemails which included his verbalization of his desire to
kill himself if the 'system' makes him do something he doesn't want to do.
He said that he'll die before giving me something I don't deserve. After
these emails and voicemails, I stopped allowing the children to see him,
especially after the last time they were there when he didn't answer the
phone. The court order allows visitation, but not set times. I've given him
the option of seeing the children at his brother's house, but he won't
cooperate and wants to see them at his convenience on his time. I am not
comfortable with that, and don't know how to deal with him. Thanks.
Lea
Dear Lea:
statements. If he is at all serious about this, the statements suggest a
certain mental state and potentially instability that could possibly place
the children at risk. I think you are doing the right thing by making it
possible for him to see the children while he is at his brother's home,
thereby assuring that they are in what you believe to be a more
psychologically safe setting. My suggestion is that you make sure that this
decision is, in fact, within the boundaries of the current court orders
because you certainly do not want to behave so as to violate orders.
Assuming that you are acting within the current orders, stay the course and
be clear with your ex-husband that you are concerned for the children
because of the things he has said about wanting to harm himself. Don't
criticize him for his statements of focus on what he has said so much as
focus on your concern for the children's well being.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
and I live 2 hours away from his children, aged 11 and 9. Their mother has
begun enrolling them in activities that interfere or take away from my
husbands visitation. We only see the children two weekends a month from
Friday after school, until Sunday afternoon. Part of that visitation is
spent in the car traveling to pick them up. Their mother is insistent that
the activities are important to the children's future success in life. The
activities are ballet and soccer/basketball. My question is, should my
husband give up visitation time so his children can participate in these
activites or is time with their father more important?
Thank-you
Dear Writer:
activities or missing them? While such extra-cirricular activities are
engaged in my many children, these children's lives contain a situation that
is somewhat different than the norm. I've known plenty of children who
participate in such activities every other week because of situations such
as children being geographically separated. Indeed, I've seen orders that
specify that parents are not to enroll their children in activities that
would interfere with their time with the other parent. Should your husband
give up his time? This seems like a really sweeping and dramatic response to
the situation. Surely they need time with their father and hopefully their
relationship with their father means a good deal to them. Talk to the kids,
learn how they feel and make your decision with their input as a part of the
puzzle. Keep things child-focused rather than focused on parental conflict.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
relationship work but can't seem to come up with answers to our current
situations. We have been dating for over 5 months now. He has been
seperated from his wife for over a year, has 3 children 50/50 and lives over
an hour away from me. We are compatible in every way and I love to spend
time with him. But, time we do not have. The time he spends with his
children..Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wed(not his night but meets
with his children for a Scout type of meeting, Thursday..Then I get to see
him Friday nights..Every other weekend I get to see him Friday, Saturday and
Sunday. On many of my weekends he has had to work. My boyfriend works hard
and fathers often. When it comes down to seeing me, driving the distance I
hear in his voice the stress and it truly hurts my feelings. Ultimately, I
know he would love if I lived closer or he would love to live here. Both
situations seem to be out of the question. ( When I asked him about the
upcoming holidays.spending time with his kids he admitted that therein lies
part of the problem. I have spent some time with his children..between him
and I there are 5 at a time(I have full custody of my two boys) and it has
not been easy..I don't like the way his kids treat him..they walk all over
him..they are extremely disrespectful and misbehaved. He is aware of how I
feel. He is aware that this truly is the case with his children. He has
also indicated that he is trying to protect his kids feelings. They are not
sure they want dad to have a friend. Where do I fit into this picture? Is
this ever going to work? Sad In NJ
Dear Sad:
you describe, a five-month old relationship is young and anyone who thinks
that they know if it will or won't work is fooling themselves. Dating
someone with children who is actively involved with their children can be a
challenge since the children do and should come first. Look upon this as an
indicator that your boyfriend is extrememly loyal, nuturing and devoted.
But realize that after knowing you only five months, it isn't reasonable to
expect him to shift his focus dramatically so that his relationship with you
becomes a central focus of his life. My advice - if you care about him and
think that there may be a future, slow yourself down and be patient. See
how YOU fit into his life with his children not how he fits into your life
without the children since the children do and will always come first.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
now. He has had full custody of his 7 year old girl since she was 10months
old. He's never been married nor have I. Since the birth of his daughter
her mother has not taken an active roll in her life, over the years even
getting her to spend every other weekend with her daughter has proven to be
challenging. Now her mother has moved away and they have not seen each
other for three months.
Attempts have been made to connect mother and daughter with no avail. It's
having a large impact on every relationship involved.
She misses her Mom, tension between daughter and father grows, my boyfriend
and I no longer receive any time alone, and I feel the relationship between
his daughter and I has slightly regressed as well. However I have developed
a healthy relationship with his daughter, we do homework, play, and do
chores together on many occasions. Since the change in her mothers address
I've also noticed that she is more resentful to her father and me
interacting. It seems like whenever we are talking or doing something she
needs her Dads attention.
it has been brought out more since her mother left. We decided to try help
with this they special time after school where they do father daughter
things together before I get home from work. This seems like a very fragile
and critical stage. I realize even more so how easy it is for
relationships in this blended setting to turn sour. Things are still going
well, with just a hint of them starting to turn the other way. We really
want some advice in how to keep things going well.
Thank you for any advice you may have for us,
Sincerely,
Confused girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend:
and aware of the difficulties and challenges faced by this little girl and
it sounds like you are both quite able and willing to stay focused on her
needs and try to adapt to them. From my vantage point, that's the best
thing you can do to assure that things continue to go well. Please remember
that right now, this child is experiencing a large transition with her
bioloigcal mother now being out of the area. Therefore, it isn't surprising
that her behavior is different and that you notice changes. Give things
time, stay empathic with the child but be sure to clearly define and
consistently enforce limits and expectaitons for her behavior. I know it
doesn't sound like much, but indeed the best advise is to keep doing what
you've been doing and give this child a chance to adjust to the large
changes in her life.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
came across your Q&A site and would like your input on my current situation.
After being married for 10 years, and with our only child not even one; my
husband (in his late 30's) left our home to live with a female coworker (who
is not yet 21) after my finding out about their affair. We could not agree
on child custody or visitation so our lawyers requested a law guardian to
act on behalf of our child. The law guardian determined and subsequently
the judge ruled that until the divorce is final that my soon to be ex could
not have the baby around his girlfriend. His girlfriend has a police record
for various things, the most severe being assault. Subsequently, my ex is
rarely with our child (10 hours a week max!!). Our divorce is to be final
soon and I am still not comfortable with the idea of this person; who I
consider to have no moral or ethical values (and a violent history) spending
time with my child!! My lawyer informs me that I have a case in further
keeping this person away from our child... except I know that my ex will
continue to choose to spend time with his girlfriend and not his child if I
do this. I had a great relationship with my dad and would like the same for
my child, except my ex is too busy with his new life and because he cannot
have his cake and eat it too the child is the one who suffers. I guess my
question is do I put aside my gut instincts to keep this undesirable person
around my child so that my ex will be a better parent?? or should I do what
I feel is in the best interest of my child and put the responsibility of
being a good father who puts his child first back on my ex???
Thank you for your time and I really look forward to your response.
Dear Mom:
ambivalence and anguish over what is happening in your child's life. I want
to encourage you to stay focused on what you believe is in your child's
interests and at the same time remember that your child's father is making
choices about how to spend his life and his time and that you cannot control
this. It sounds like he is choosing to be with someone who may not be
appropriate for children and that he is choosing this above his own child.
While this is a sad reality, it is a reality and you can't change it by
ignoring it. If your instincts tell you to keep your child away form this
individual, do so. If dad chooses his girlfriend over his child, understand
that this attitude will play itself out in his relationship with the child
even if you allow dad to spend more time with the child. Yes, this is
difficult and yes, your child loses. But your child may loose even more if
you allow him to be around an adult who, herself, is in many ways a child
and who may even pose a risk to your child's safety.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
father and met some one else, my (now) husband has always been in my son's
life he was at the hospital when my son was born. My son calls him dad (we
never use the word father) about a year ago I was granted full custody. My
son has only met his biological father when he was about one year old it was
only about three times and we referred to him as mommy's friend. Now that my
son is older he's noticing that we have different last names I have my
husbands and my son has my maiden name. My question is when and how should I
tell my son about his biological father? At five how much dose he need to
know? He has a pretty normal life a mom, a dad, grandparents, I don't want
to turn his life upside down, he has just started kindergarten and is having
enough problems because he is the youngest kid in his class. Do I tell him
now or when he's alittle older. I don't want him to think he's been lied to
his whole life but I don't want to cause him pain at this young of an age.
Please help your advise is needed.
Thank you,
S.L.B.
Dear S.L.B.:
about things when they are old enough to notice things that need answering
or ask quesitons. Your son is doing this now. He has a right to know who
he is, where he came from and the realities of his life. We as parents
create situations for our children and if they are painful, the pain becomes
worse if we withhold the truth. The earlier he knows and the more he is
able to integrate the information into his identity and sense of who he is,
the less this will turn his life upside down as you fear. So take a deep
breath and go for it.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
oldest of them, being at the ripe old age of 42 right now. My folks were and
still are very close to all of us. We had strict rules when we had
girlfriends or boyfriends over, that we could not be in our bedrooms or even
consider them spending the night. I have a 16 year old daughter. She met a
boy that lives 2 hours away from us. When he comes over for the weekend I
see no harm in this day and age for him to stay the night. Of course being
in separate bedrooms. My problem stems from my mother. She thinks I have
lost all of my morals and that I am not being a proper parent in allowing
this to take place. My parents live in the same town I do. So of course
everything that happens in my family is watched like a hawk. It doesn't
matter that my other sisters and brothers may be doing the same thing with
their own kids and their friends. But they all live miles away and it isn't
seen, so it doesn't get discussed. I don't want my mother being upset with
me and I don't want to think that I am losing all my morals. I have raised
my kids to know what is right and wrong. We are all a very loving family. In
fact kids love to come to our home because we are fun and have a great time
together. And I do not want to lose that. What can I do or say to my mother
to make her realize that having my daughters boyfriend spend the night once
in awhile is not a bad thing?
~Linda~
Dear Linda:
believes and she is allowed to do this. You are also allowed to have your
own thoughts and beliefs and to make your own parenting decisions. Your
problem here is that you still are dependent on your own mother's approval
and haven't matured to the point where your own sense of yourself matters
more than her sense of you. So that is what you need to work on rather than
trying to change how your mother thinks and feels.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.
Simon:
husband inappropriately touched my daughter over a year ago and is currently
on probation. He has restrictions to not have contact with her for x period
of time. We have been told that these restrictions can be lifted. When is
the appropriate time for that to start and how do you go about preparing for
that?
Thanks Tammy
Dear Tammy:
Your child's trust has been severely violated by her father and it may be
impossible for her to be able to truly come to trusting him again. He has
to understand this and accept this. In terms of reintroduction, what kind
of guidance are you receiving from the child's therapist? Has her father
been in his own treatment and how has he progressed in treatment? These are
the more important questions, not whether a certain period of time has
passed and it is now legally possible to lift restrictions. Your first
responsibility is to protect your child's safety under all circumstances no
matter whether the "x" period of time has passed or not. Your first concern
is for her, not for your husband's wishes. So first things first...is the
child in any way ready for this and is the father at all able to come to
terms with what he did in a meaningful and earnest way? And if there are no
therapists involved with the child or the father, then from my point of
view, all bets are off and you have to go back to the beginning to begin the
healing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
realized this was going on, I was basically dismissed to go home as he
announced he and his daughter were going to bed. Apparently, he started to
sleep with her after his separation and divorce almost 4 years ago. He only
sees her on weekends and sleeps with her both nights. It really upsets me
since we sleep together and have sex in the same bed he shares with his
daughter. We do not live together. I told him how upset it makes me that
he sleeps with his daughter since I feel it is an intimacy only he and I
should share. However, he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and plans
on continuing to sleep with her until she no longer wants to sleep with him.
This could mean she will sleep with him until she is 12 or 13 if not longer.
I told him since he has chosen to sleep with his daughter, then I am not
going to sleep with him. This made him mad as he thinks I am blowing this
way out of proportion and if I understood why he does it, it would be okay
with me. I told him it isn't okay with me no matter how he justifies it and
now we are in a dead lock. I don't know what to do. What would you do?
Please help.
Donna
Dear Donna:
daughter, the fact that the two of you sleep in the same bed and have sex in
that bed without her present (at least I hope it is without her present)
seeems irrelevant to me. If you have an issue with your boyfriend
co-sleeping with his daughter, focus on that. With resepct to co-sleeping,
there are a variety of opinions on this matter and I am not aware of any
qualified, quality research that gives clues as to the benefits and risks of
co-sleeping. In many European cultures, parents and children co-sleep as a
matter of routine and this continues until the child voices the wish to
sleep separately. True, this isn't what typically takes place in our
country but that doesn't make it wrong per se. Nevertheless, you are
entitled to feel the way you feel about it and if it is something that makes
you uncomfortable, it could be that you and your boyfriend will simply have
to agree to disagree if you are going to continue in a relationship.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
knew things were wrong in our marriage. It was violent and unstable. We have
three children and I have always pushed for them to have a relationship with
him for the last 10 years. They are now 13, 12, and 10. I have explained to
them that their Dad is sick and they need to stand by him. However, he is
re-married and his wife says that we have to just give him what he wants to
keep the peace. I have done that for years. I do not think the children
should be forced to compromise their own feelings just to make their Dad
happy. Is this wrong? They love their Dad and do spend time with him but,
they should not be pressured to spend time with him, especially when he is
in a severe depression or manic stage. I get scared. Thank you for
listening.
Dear Mom:
your question. You are asking if children should be responsible for meeting
the emotional needs of parents. The answer is no. It is the parent's job
to meet the emotional needs of children to the best of their ability. I
think it is important that your children understand their father's mental
illness and I would encourage you to help educate them and teach them what
bipolar illness is and is not. Education/information helps with acceptance
and adjustment. Yet, you know better than I that life with a person
struggling with bipolar disorder is a roller coaster. I would not want my
kids to have to ride it excessively yet their father's illness is a reality
in their lives. No, it is NOT their job to make their father happy.
However, there may be some middle ground between where you are with it now
and where you can go with this.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
years and now all of a sudden the boy's biological father wants back in the
picture after having no contact what so ever in the last 5 years. Now this
man has a criminal record and has been prooven to be abusive towards women
and children in more ways than one. He has several police reports on this
abuse towards the women he is with. How can an individual that has a recrd
like this be able to get visitation rights to the children? He was court
ordered visitations every saturday for two hours, today was the first and he
never showed up and he is now trying to get out of the next visitation, is
there anything that I or my wife can do?
Please respond for we are running out of ideas of things that we can do.
Your help would be greatly appreciated in this matter. Thank you for your
time.
Dear Stepdad:
situation and from what you present, it is an unfortunate one. It sounds as
if the young man's father is mostly concerned about himself and not about
the child. This causes me to worry that the child will experience hurt and
pain at the hands of his dad.
courts tend to give biological parents, even ones who have been absent and
even ones with checkered histories, the benefit of the doubt. Is this
right? That's not for me to say but this is the way it is. My suggestion
is that you keep a clear journal of events and return to court to
demonstrate what is taking place. As for the child, be as positive with him
as you possibly can be. If he feels disappointed, empathize with him but
don't fuel his negativity and certainly don't let him be exposed to yours.
The best thing you can do to help him right now is to simply understand his
feelings/fears, validate them and be his advocate in the legal system if
need be. I know this is not a simple solution or one that hold immediate
promise but it is the path you need to walk. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Hi. I hope you can help me and my ex-husband find some
resolution to a problem that we have been currently experiencing with our 4.5
year old son. Up until about two weeks ago, both our children (we also have a
daughter 3.5) have spent every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday evenings
with their father. (This has been the children?s routine for about two years
now.) This has seemed to work out really well for all of us, for it gives us
both equal time with our children whom we love so very much. Well, about two
weeks ago my son starting crying, resisting, and down right refusing to go with
his father, claiming all he wants is ?Mommy?. It is breaking all our hearts.
Could you please tell me what possibly could be going on with him and what would
you suggest his father and I do to help resolve this issue and to help him work
through this. My ex-husband and I have maintained a very civil relationship and
I would consider ourselves to be good friends. We ALWAYS make every effort to
putting the children?s best interest first ? NOTHING else matters to either of
us. He also has been ?acting out? at preschool and at home. He whines and is
very defiant. I like to think that I am a patient and sensitive parent, more so
than my ex-husband, could this be one of the reasons? Please, any advice you
could offer to us would be so greatly appreciated. This is really tearing us
up?
Thank you,
J.
Dear J:
First, congratulations on your
maintaining a civil and friendly relationship with your former husband. That is
such a HUGE gift to your children and something that will hold them in good
stead for along time to come. I'm so impressed that you are not reacting to
your son's resistence by blaming his father for somehow doing something wrong in
his home that would lead your son to this. It is not uncommon for young
children to rather suddenly become resistant and upset when it is time to
transition. This often reflects some developmental issues and, in fact, in that
sense is a sign of growth. In your case, it seems that the frequency of
transitions you are asking your son to experience is high given his age. He is
probably able and, all things being equal, ready to spend more extended time
with his father rather than what is essentially every other evening. Now,
whatever the source of the behavior, thist doesn't mean that you give into it or
allow the resistence to carry the day. Certainly, you are the parents, you are
in charge. One thing to think about is what happens once the transition,
depsite his resistence, takes place. If the child is able to adjust in fairly
short order and return to a normal mood, this is a sign that you really are
dealing with some issues in the transition that are probably temporary.
Sometimes, these changes can be signs that a child is experiencing other
emotional issues or problems that need to be addressed. So long as you are
clear that things are OK in his father's home (and it sounds like you have no
worries in that regard), it is important that you insist that the child
transition as normal so as not to reinforce it and so as to assert your parental
authority over this young child. I do hope this answer helps. Please write
again if you'd like.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
have a daughter that is 9 years old and is autistic and a 6 year old son
that is fine. Every other weekend when he comes to pick the kids up Haleigh
(our daughter) starts screaming and crying saying she doesn't want to go. I
don't know what to do about this. Her father is getting very frustrated with
me on this matter. Do you have any advice on this situation? By the way we
don't make her go. Are we doing her more harm by not making her go? Thank
you, Tammy
Dear Tammy:
and emotional components of autism, transitions can be more difficult for
your daughter. I've know of hundreds of situaions in which children tantrum
when it time to go from one home to the next. Most of the time, the
trantrum subsides very quickly after the exchange is made and everything is
find. I know you don't want to see your child upset or to see her in pain.
Now I am assuming that there is nothing untoward or inappropriate going on
in her father's home and that her "fear" is unwarranted. Therefore, ask
yourself if you really want to give a 9 year-old child the decision-making
power in this kind of situaiton. Do you think it is appropriate for her to
decide if she will or won't go with her father? If you don't, then realize
that you are giving her this choice currently and that this isn't
appropriate. Do you want to give in to her tantrums or do you want to give
her the message that her trantrums are inappropriate and that you are in
control of the situaiton? If you want to foster her tantrums and reinforce
them, then keep giving into them. Otherwise, YOU be in control, YOU give
your daughter the message about what will and won't happen and move on.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
son. His mother and I have been divorced for 5 years now due to an affair
between her and her (now)husband while we were still married. This was not
a pretty divorce and the situation continues to worsen. She and her husband
do everything in their power to attempt to exclude me from my son's life.
My son has started to show great interest in coming to live with me, but
balks at the idea out of fear of his mother and step-father. His grades at
school are below average and his appearance leaves much to be desired.
leave him home alone while she and her husband are at work. I believe it is
wrong (and probably illegal) and it scares me to death that something should
happen to him while he is alone. I am seriously considering calling in the
state authorities the next time he is left alone, but I am very concerned if
such action would do any harm to my son psychologically or otherwise. Your
thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end and extremely
worried. Thank you!
A Very Concerned Father
Dear Concerned Father:
a course of action. Sometimes we decide that the risk outweighs the
possible benefits and sometimes it is the reverse. Certainly, this
situation is of more concern because it appears that your son is caught up
in ongoing difficulties between his mother and you. Needless to say, this
alone places your child at great psychological peril. If you ask me, safety
always comes first and acting to protect a child's safety is fundamental. I
know that I would not leave a 10 year old home alone but before I called
authorities or took that kind of action, I would make every effort to
discuss my concerns with his mother. Certainly, it is best to solve the
problem, if possible, between you rather than involving outside authorities.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
daughter that he took about 7 months to introduce me to. We've gone on a
couple of short vacations together and have spent some time together as a
group. Her mother and my boyfriend are good friends, to the point that she
lives three blocks away, drives his car all week and goes to most family
functions. She has a boyfriend but he never attends with her. He treats his
daughter like a princess and wants to be her friend and her father when
needed so that she feels comfortable confiding in him as she gets older.
She is extremely clingy though. She has to sit on his lap, give massages,
get massages, plays with his hair and wants to sleep next to him all of the
time. She will look to see if he's holding my hand and if I do anything
that she can't do like some type of sport with her dad, she gets upset and
starts crying. How do I help him help her?
Dear Anxious
Thanks, Anxious
young lady? I get the sense that he may not see any problems and that even
if he does that he may not be willing to do anything about it right now. So
what can you do? You can simply, plainly and supportively voice your
concerns to him but you can also let him know what you comfort limits are
with this behavior and you can respect your own limits. I know that this is
hard but please remember that a parent's bond with a child will usually be
primary over their bond with a new boyfriend/girlfriend. So be patient,
communicate clearly and supportively and give him time to come to understand
your concerns.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody. Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation. He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. He is a sought after speaker and trainer. Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons. He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.
Questions for Dr. Simon can be sent to: ras@ix.netcom.com
Copyright © 1999. 2005 by Griffin & Wong Institute All rights reserved.