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Dear Dr. Simon:
Can you help? My daughter is 9 and her father and I have been
divorced since she was 4. I have been in a relationship with my current
husband for 3 years, but we have been married for almost 2. My husband is in
the Navy and we have been relocated. Onlt an hour from my ex and he is being
a real jerk. He never meets me half way like it says in the divorce papers,
told me he was going to take me to court if my daughter wasnt in private
school (which I cant afford here), and only calls every now and again. He
has every other weekend visitation and only sees her a little bit of the
time. He mostly leaves her with my mother or his new wife and her daughter.
I like the stepmom and the step sister is close with all of us. I dont mind
that but I do mind the fact he doesnt spend time with her. She doesnt
understand why hes too busy all the time. I havnt had a child support raise
ever. I know that he has a different job and he poor mouths a lot. But he
owns a new car, a house and land and a property that he gets rent on. He
says that if I take him to court for more then I will get less because he
makes less, and he makes most of his money under the table. (he is an auto
mechanic) I know that he has at LEAST 10,000 in tools and equipment. I dont
know if any of that counts or is it just income!??
Please help me. I stay awake at night worrying about what he can do to make
me miserable.
Stacey
Dear Stacey:
So what exactly is your problem here? That he causes you to stay
awake at night wondering how he is going to make you miserable? After
saying so many things about what is going on between your child's father and
your daughter, you come to the place where your real concern is YOU. Well,
the truth is that while I understand that you may be unhappy, co-parenting
and parenting is not about parents, it is about children. I would imagine
if you tried to discuss with him your concerns about your child rather than
your concerns about money, about how he is not "fair" with you and about how
he isn't being honest about his income that you might find he is much more
willing to listen and work together with you. Sure, I understand that he's
no angel and that he brings his share of communication problems to the
table. But you can only change things about you, not about him. So try,
just try, to focus on your worries about your child and not on how he treats
you. Try disconnecting from the way in which he makes you miserable since,
in reality, the fact that you let him get to you in this way is really up to
you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now, he has a 4 year
old son and I have 3 daughters 8,9,17. My boyfriend is currently in a
bitter custody battle. When he divorced his ex some 3 1/2 years ago he was
given a very restrictive custody arrangement; 6 hours weekly and 4 hours
every other Saturday. The ex wife never held him to this restrictive
custody order until he moved in with me and my 3 daughters and his son cried
and threw temper tantrums because he did not want to go home with his
mother.
In December the ex started seeing a therapist, (she says regarding
problems she was having with the child). In March/April the therapist
decided she needed to also treat the child. In July all visitation was
taken away from my boyfriend because the therapist reported to social
services that the boy told her that his father was sexual abusing him. To
make a long story short the allegations were all UNFOUNDED by social
services, however the therapist now says that all visitation should be
supervised because the child has separation anxiety. My boyfriend has not
seen his son for 3 months and now he is going to have to pay someone to
supervise his visitation with him.
I have 3 questions. When it comes time to go to court wouldn't the
therapist's testimony on behalf of the child be a conflict of interest
because she was at first and still is treating the mother, I don't see how
this could be fair to the father. Secondly, don't most children go through
some form of separation anxiety (being left at day-care, going to school).
Lastly, when the father asked the therapist if his son has been
taken to a doctor to see if there was any evidence of sexual abuse she told
him yes but did not know any of the results because it did not affect her
case or treatment regarding the child, this does not make any sense to
either of us, wouldn't a therapist want to know these results? What if
there was no evidence of abuse and the child has been coached to lie? Or if
the exam did show abuse wouldn't they want to find out who the abuser was?
Hello:
The fact pattern you present is filled with various problems from my
point of view. Most important amongst them is that ethics require that a
mental health professional refrain from making any kind of custody or child
sharing recommendaitons without having met and fully evaluated all parties
to the dispute. For a professional to make recommendaitons without having
formed an independent and unbiased clinical opinion of each of the parties
involved breaches ethics and strongly suggests a conflict of interest on the
part of the professional. Moreover, those involved in treatment as
therapists are wise to avoid making any such recommendaitons in the fisrt
place. When a therapist does so, he/she is confusing his/her role and is
also riskiing the privacy of his/her clients and medical records. I've seen
cases where a therapist foolishly wrote letters to the Court making
suggestions/recommendations regarding child sharing/custody that resulted in
the parent who was seeing the therapist being forced to open up his/her
complete record of treatment. Also, in a case of disputed custody, it is
usually not wise for a therapist to treat one of the parents and the child.
If a child in a disputed custody situaiton needs treatment, they need
someone who is truly neutral, who is just there for them and who is not
potentially biased by the therapists work with the other parent. I hope
this information helps. Thanks for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon:
I am about to marry someone who has an 11 year old daughter. He has
never been married before and she has unfortunately been raised primarily by
grandparents because of how young he was when she was born. When his 11
year old daughter stays in the house we bought together she has to sleep
with him. This is also something she stills does when she stays at his
mothers house and her mom's house. It is a practice his mother swears by
and states should be done until the child is comfortable (he states he
shared the same bed as his mother until he was 12). Her other grandparents
and mother are not comfortable with this sleeping arrangement and try to
make her comfortable in her own room and bed and her only response is she no
longer feels comfortable or wants to stay with them. I personally do not
agree with this practice at all. My biggest concern is that I am about to
marry this person but when his daughter who is a wonderful, intelligent
person stays with us, he has to share a bed with her. I have told him that
I do not feel comfortable with this for two reasons, 1, we are about to be
married and have lived together for a year and thinks he should be sharing a
bed with me, 2, he has a pre-adoloescant daughter that he is sleeping with.
When is it too old to be sharing a bed with your parents (mother or father)?
His argument is that this was how he was raised and it is fine, and that
because of her situation he needs to do whatever it makes her feel
comfortable. I see this as a very big issue in our relationship and I am at
the point when I see them sharing a bed it disgusts me. I am not
necessarily looking for guidance but I am trying to find the "experts" that
his mother talks so highly of that states it is okay or a good thing for a
parent to share a bed with their child into the teenage years is a good
thing or information that has some guidance for me.
Thank you,
Anne
Dear Anne:
I am not an expert on the issue of co-sleeping. However, I do know
that it is something that is, in fact, quite normal in many cultures. Thus,
acceptace of co-sleeping seems to be culturally related more than it is
related to any clear sense of what is developmentally right or wrong for
children. Typically, children who co-sleep with parents come to a point in
their lives, typically in early adolescence, where they feel a desire for
separateness and privacy - thus they initiate a change in the sleeping
arrangements. Perhaps this child is not yet at this developmental phase in
her life.
Whether or not co-sleep is or is not ultimately a good thing or not
a good thing, it is also important to respect that fact that you are not
comfortable with it and feel awkward about it. This, now, becomes an
important communicaiton issue for you and your fiancee - one in which your
ability to work together to solve problems in a mutual and non-competitive
manner is important. I would highly suggest that you approach this dialogue
from him from a perspective of your feelings and your point of view rather
than from the perspective of what is right or wrong, good or bad.
I hope this helps! Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Recently my daughter began seeing her father under court ordered
supervised visitation. My daughter is 6 and for the last 4 years has been
raised by myself and husband. Her biological father started wanting a role
in her life. My daughter has only had one full visit with him, which seemed
to go ok. The last visit we attempted she would not go and see him at all!
The supervisors are very nice and calm. They always let her know that she
does not have to do anything she does not want to do. She comes home crying
to my husband, whom she calls "dad" for the last 4 years. I was shocked to
hear her ask sobbingly, "Daddy, why can't you just adopt me and be my only
dad?" I feel stuck, my attorney is of no help, and I don't know if there is
anything I can do, being that she is only 6. Do you have any advice?
Thank you
Dear Mom:
I know it must be very alarming to see yoru daugther be so emotional
about these visits. She is young and this is a huge change for her. She
may also pick up on some of your anxiety about the visits as well. Children
often do this. I suggest a couple of things. One, give this a bit more
time. Allow the visits to become more a part of her routine and allow her
to adjust to the change. Try not to put too much emphasis on her reactions
to the early visits and try hard not to allow your emotions to become
stirred too much by hers. Second, be sure that when you talk with her about
the visits and when you get ready for them that you are matter of fact,
businesslike and low-key with regard to your emotions and your reactions. I
know that this is hard but it is really important because children,
especially young children, play off our emotions - even subtle ones.
Best wishes. Be patient and give things time before you decide that
something is terribly wrong.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a divorced mother of a 5 year old girl. Her father lives 45
minutes away and sees her only when it is convenient for him. About 3
months ago, I met a guy and have since fallen hard for him, but my daughter
is not so happy. She gets excited when I tell her we are going to see him
and his 7 year old son, but then acts up once we are there. She is in
kindergarten and is doing well but is having issues such as refusing to have
her picture taken on picture day, she is not listening at home and cries
every time I ask her to do something. Our routine has not changed during the
week, and we only see my boyfriend on the weekends. I have tried talking to
her, I have tried taking away privileges and toys, and even time out. I am
becoming very stressed and losing my patience. I know that she is not
intentionally trying to upset me, I am happy in a relationship for the first
time in 3 years (since the divorce), and my boyfriend treats us both like
gold. We include her in all activities and I stress to her that I love her
and that nothing will change that. I need advice on how to help her accept
the changes that are taking place in our lives. I am running out of options
and feel like I am failing as a parent. Please help!!
Dear Mom:
Give your little girl a lot more time to adjust. Remember, you've
introduced something HUGE into her life without her permission. She is used
to it being just the two of you and suddenly, that has changed. She needs
more time to adjust and make sense of the change. Remember, too, that this
little girl with her young emotions is having to simultaneously deal with
her father being less present while a new man is being more present. No
doubt even at her young age she senses that your energies are not only for
her these days and that probably is hard for her. I know it is hard but keep
her as your primary focus. It is no use to get mad at her because she is
acting like a five year old and frustrating your romance. That will only
result in her becoming even more upset. If your daugther is having trouble
adjusting, that may be a message to you that you are moving too fast into
your new relationship for HER well being. And since she is your child and
she is your first priority, it is your job to listen to that and respond
accordingly. I hope this helps. Thanks much for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I moved to separate residences three years ago and
have co-parented our adopted son with a 4-3 split. Over the past two years
my son's father has become less and less involved with my son's daily
routine and has little knowledge about his activities. He has become much
like a disneyland dad on the weekends and is a playmate much more than a
father with no real discipline. Earlier this summer we had decided that our
son, who started 7th grade this fall, would remain with me, I'm a long term
educator, during the entire school week, M-F, and I would also have him on
at least one weekend a month. My husband since has filed for divorce and
wants a 50/50 split which I oppose for several reasons including my
husband's nightly meeting schedule of 2-3 times a week, his no discipline
attitude, is not process oriented and not consistent,etc. He's a great guy
in many respects but has never been able to accept or understand our son
being challenged with ADD and has even plagarized his homework assignments
this last year and then wanted me to cover with my son's teachers that he
didn't know he could do that. My son's teachers could always tell when his
father had him overnight/weekend as my son would fall behind at school or
become disoriented and I would receive a phone call. I am hoping that
perhaps you have a suggestion as I've suggested every other weekend with a
dinner during the week during the school year and then additional time
during the summer working around my son's ADD camp/summer school needs.
Thank you.
Dear Mom:
It sure sounds to me like there is a real power struggle unfolding
between you and your husband here. My experience is that whenever there is
a power struggle, the real needs and essential well being of children
becomes lost and that the desire of each parent to prevail in the struggle
is the main agenda. Unfortunately, parents often remain unaware of this and
often truly believe they are primarily focused on the child - often they
maintain this even when a gaggle of experts point out to them that this
simply isn't going on! Bottom line..the conflict between you and your
husband is the greatest source of risk to your son. Rather than battling
this out between you or, even worse, battling it out in court, I strongly
suggest that the two of you select a neutral third party who can meet each
of you, meet your son and help you, collaboratively, come to an arrangement
that benefits everyone. This work can be done in a context that has nothing
to do with power, has nothing to do with winning and losing. Certainly, I
cannot offer you a suggested parenting plan in the absence of knowing your
family, who you are and what your needs are. There is no "magic formula" to
any parenting plan, mom. There simply isn't. The "magic", if there is such
a thing, is the simple decision and heart felt desire on the part of parents
to get along, to collaborate, to solve problems respectfully and to choose
not to battle with one another because they know that this ultimately is the
most loving thing they can do for their children.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband gets along well with is ex. (they have 2 kids) I have
none. He has visitation twice a week. I usually attend the children's
school events without a problem. Everyone gets along fine but recently
something happened. Yesterday there was an event at school. I didn't go
because I figured it's their "designated" day together and they would have
dinner afterwards. After the event he took them out to dinner.
When my husband got home, I asked how everything went and where they
ate (usual conversation) he offered the information and just out of
curiosity (because of the weird tone in his voice) I asked who went..... He
took his kids and his ex. I thought it was odd - for one thing the event
was about 2 miles from her house. The look on my face must have shocked him
because he added quickly, her husband was away and she wasn't cooking. Now,
I have to say, this doesn't seem right to me. I want us all to get along
and believe me I see his ex more than I see some people in my own
family...but why take her to dinner? What do you think?
Thank you
Dear Stepmom:
Sounds to me like your husband and his former wife have a super
co-parenting relationship - one that serves the kids well and one that many
other parents would be wise to take an example from. I think it is
wonderful that they are comfortable having dinner together with the
children. While they may no longer be married, they do have children
together and they always will. This is something that will always bind them
and that only they share. The fact that they are able to be civil and
cordial and share a meal with the children sets such a good example for them
about conlfict and problem solving and so forth. So you ask why take her to
dinner? I ask why not! She is the children's mother for goodness sake!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
My ex wife and I have a fifteen year old son - she has custody and
there is no regular visitation schedule; he just comes here when he feels
like it (they live an hour away). Recently, he wants to come here less and
less, and I understand that part of it is his age and that he's more
interested in his peer relationships. But my concern is that my ex is
sabotaging my relationship with him. She discusses maintenance issues with
him (both inappropriate and inaccurate), and following the recent closure of
her business, my son told me that she cannot do anything now because, "she
spent the last fifteen years raising me [him] and taking care of you [me]."
When he said this to me, it was clear that he was repeating what she had
told him. This is an unfair representation of the facts and I discussed it
with him. The last time he came here (a couple of weekends ago), he was
very withdrawn in the car, but over the weekend became animated and
interactive. Then, in the car on the way back, he began again to withdraw.
I am convinced that his mother is speaking negatively about me, but I cannot
defend what I don't know. I wish he would confront me about any concerns,
but am aware that at fifteen, he lacks the maturity/confidence to do so.
How do I deal with the fact that my son seems to be turning away from me,
very likely under the influence of his mother's bitterness?
Thank you
Richard
Dear Richard:
Wow...you are presenting a complex situaiton and you are asking some
great quesitons. First, allow me to complement you on your apparent
tolerance and wisdom. The fact that you are able to understand that your 15
year old son's life is rooted more and more in his peer relationships is
wonderful. That you don't take this as a rejection of you is so important
and so very loving of him.
I understand how you reach the conclusions you reach about why your
son says what he says and where he gets his information. I strongly suggest
you resist the temptation to jump to conclusions. I suggest this for two
reasons. First, you don't really know for sure how he reached his
conclusions. Sometimes teenagers reach conclusions, on their own, that
sound surprisingly like a parent's own conclusion. But even if he is
mirroring his mother, your getting angry about what his mother is saying
will not help you support your son nor will it help you help him sort things
out for himself.
The next time he raises a subject such as he raised when you were
last together, this gives you a chance to ask him what he thinks and feels
and to tell him that you are open to discussing anything with him honestly
and candidly. In doing this, don't be negative about his mother. Be
descriptive and factual. Don't worry about "fairness" because there is
nothing "fair" about this to kids. Since you believe that his mother
speaking negatively about you is not a good thing, just be sure not to
repeat the mistake. Being factual will present your son with a refreshingly
new perspective and may even help show him that he can trust you emotionally
with his confusion and difficulties.
Best wishes. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon :
I have read some of your other views and some of your advise, now I need
some just for me. My husband and I have been together for nearly 3 years and
been married for nearly 2, he has a 31/2 year old son from a previous
marriage and I am currently expecting my first with him. We don't see eye to
eye when his child his with us. He tends to let things just slip by when
they should be addressed and he says that I am too strict. To my
understanding that is why we are parents is to tell our children no and to
teach them right/wrong. I fear for our marriage and more so now since I am
expecting. He tends to put his son before everything and everyone else, when
the child is at his other home we are a normal happy couple. What do I do,
how can we come to an understanding and raise our children together? Is this
going to cause my marriage to come to an end, because when the subject needs
to be addressed he doesn't want to talk. He thinks that it is his way and
that's it because it is his son, I can't convince him to talk or even go
talk to a professional together. He wants me to be a mother figure to his
child and he wants me to do all the motherly things: get him dressed, take
him and pick him up from here or there, feed him, etc., but does not want me
to tell him no. What do I do???
Thank You for any advise you can give!
Dear Mom To Be:
Sounds like you've had the benefit of a "look into the future" by
seeing how your husband handles his son and by seeing how you feel about the
way he parents. Certainly you must know that many parents have
disagreements about how to handle situations with children - this is part of
the challenge of marriage and of parenting. While you are right that part
of parenting is teaching children right from wrong, I was struck by your
statement that one of the reasons we are parents is to tell our children
"no". Wow. Sure, we have to stop our children from doing things and we
have to place limits on them but the less you say "no" and the more you
redirect and learn better ways of teaching, the more effective you'll be as
a parent and more you'll help your child gain good self-esteem which really
is a major goal of parenting. Watch that negativity, mom!
Here's what I'd do...I'd get myself and my husband to a marriage
counselor right away. Not because the marriage is in immediate danger of
failing but because you both can see the challenges ahead. Prevention is
always easier than fixing something that is broken. Any marriage therapist
will be delighted to work with a couple who chooses to be proactive rather
than waiting until things are all but lost.
Thank you for writing...best wishes.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My stepson has been kept in family counseling for over eight years
since the divorce. He is 13 years old, a straight A student, has healthy
relationships with his friends and our family, acts responsibly, does not
act out, no mental/physical symptoms (aside from ocassional and normal
anxiety), and has never been in trouble with in school/law. While the first
year of therapy made sense (due to the divorce), my husband and I feel that
two visits a month for eight years is frightening. He now initiates the
visits which pleases his mother to no end. His chief complaints to me and
his father are that he dislikes his stepfather, cannot tell his
mother/stepfather how he truly feels, wishes for more time with us, and that
he has to be "perfect" in their home. My husband has joint legal custody,
but she is the primary custodian. For years she has hoped that my husband
would fade out of the picture and accused him in court of everything from
being an alcoholic (disproven) to never attending school activities. We
have eight to ten days a month with our stepson and we split the summer
vacation and all school holidays in half. My stepson would very much like
to have more freedom of choice in who he spends time with and we have always
told him that he can always be with Mom if that's what he chooses. He very
adamantly says no. I believe he would just like to be heard. The child
support we pay is basic plus 40% of counseling fees (which is considered
presumptive). My husband is starting to withhold the counseling fees after
trying for four months to get a progress report from the counselor. (Hubby
has full rights to his son's medical/educational information.) He has also
written his ex-wife explaining that while he would support therapy if it
were deemed necessary by ANOTHER counselor, he will no longer support
something that is developing into an unhealthy dependency for their son. My
stepson says he goes to these sessions looking for a way to make the
transition from one house to the other easier, yet he doesn't seem to be
learning how to help himself feel better. The court was very close to
cutting off these sessions for us, but ended up going with the mother.
Essentially, anything my husband says is ignored by his ex-wife. She sets
up sessions for my stepson upon his immediate return which we find
incredibly manipulating and controlling. What can we do aside from
continually protesting and withholding payment? Report this counselor to
the Board of Behavioral Sciences? Go back to court? We just ended a two
year battle because the mother wanted to move out of the state and (THANK
GOD) the court said no. We don't want to have to put my stepson through
that nonsense again, but what choice do we have? Thank you for your time.
Dear Stepmom:
It is quite unusual for teenagers to truly want to be involved in
counseling. That this young man is motivated to stay in therapy is an
important thing. Sure, it's possible that his therapist has fostered an
unhealthy dependency in the boy but this is very hard to assess let alone
prove. Reporting this man to the licensing board is likely to do nothing
other than anger your stepson. I suggest you think of it this way - this
young man lives in the middle of two homes at war. Do you have any idea how
difficult that is for a child? Perhaps he views therapy as HIS turf, HIS
safe place, HIS respite from the war and HIS place to process the mental
results of the war. My suggestion - you have far larger issues to deal with
here than to try and punish his mother by taking it out on your steopson
through his therapy. Think about it - and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
Could you tell me what standard visitation is for an eight month old.
Is there an age limit when the father can have overnight visitation. The
baby is also breast feeding.
Thank you.
Deena
Dear Deena:
There is no hard and fast "rule" about "standard" visitation nor
about when a child is able to overnight away from his/her mother. In
general, the younger the child, the more frequent and briefer contacts
should be with the non-custodial parent (often the father). It is important
for the child to attach to the father and for father to bond with the child.
Thus, frequent visits are very important. In terms of the overnight
question specifically, experts generally agree that children your child's
age probably can tolerate an overnight visit although two nights in a row
may be asking the child to be away too long from his/her primary attachment
object. Think of it this way...if a mom works an 8 hour day (usually 9
hours with lunch) and you have a one hour commute each way (which is not
uncommon), your child is away from you for 11 hours each day. This
certainly is long enough for a child to have an overnight visit with her
father. As for your breast feeding, many parents in your situaiton exprss
milk using a breast pump and make it available for times when the child is
away from the mother. If you want to make this work, it can work. Thanks
for writing. Happy parenthood!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am in a relationship have been for 4 years. My parnter has a son
11. His son visits us once a month for about a week. My partner and I live
together. But sometimes his son is rude and he is spoiled.. he lives with
his mom and step dad in S. Fransciso.. we all get along great.. but the
issue is my partners son mouthed off to me. I didn't yell what so ever I
just said "David, that was rude" and with that my partner started to yell at
me and yell at me and mimic me to his son, I just quiltely left the room and
went to our bedroom. He followed yelling at me from behind. and than went
back to his son and said "David you did nothing wrong" and had more to say
to his kid about me (sarcasticly).. but it was very damaging. First I feel
its terrible that he put me down so terribly in front of his son and second
the child should never be a witness to such anger and yelling.
I dont know why he changes when his son comes - he is more hostile
toward me, like there is something to prove. But I told the child that I
love him and Im not mad at him and I said I'm not mad at anyone.. which is a
lie due to his fathers behavior but I just feel the child shouldn't bare
this load. But I feel like I'm seriously pulling away from my partner ..
dont take me wrong I love him dearly. But I feel like the show he put on in
front of his son was seriously damaging to me. I would never and will never
put my partner down in front of his son or anyone for that matter. Yes all
couples argue but this was just absolutely wrong... What can I say to him to
get the message across.. he is very caustic if I try to explain the way I
feel and how wrong it was for him to do what he did. Please advise
Devon
Dear Devon:
It seems to me that the problem you experienced after verbally
reprimanding your partner's son is evidence of some sort of issues in your
relationship with your partner. Why these issues come to the surface in
this fashion or why it is that your partner acts differently towards you
when his son is around is something I won't even begin to speculate about.
I agree with you - the way he put you down in front of his son is
unproductive from a relationship perspective, it models inappropraite
behavior to a child and, frankly, is humiliating and disrespectful. Of
course, it is normal in stepfamilies for parents to be somewhat protective
of their children and it is common for new spouses or partners to feel, at
times, that they aren't part of the innermost circle. This is easy to
understand and is just something you have to accept and deal with in
stepfamily situaitons. However, that doesn't make it ok or healthy for
there to be inappropriate and ugly exchanges in which the child is drawn
into the conflict although this happens all too often.
I suggest that you speak with your partner about how you see this as
reflecting a fissure in your relationship and a sign of some problems in
your communication with one another. Don't make it about his son. Make it
about how the two of you communicate and problem solve.
Best wishes and thanks so much for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD in November of 2004. He is
six (6) years old and is taking 25 mg of Strattera in the morning and after
supper. He is repeating his second year of kindergarten.
My child's father lives on a farm, he is too permissive, and does
not keep a close eye on my son. There is no doubt there is great love
there, but the Father has said that this is his second family and he doe not
have the energy to run after him. There are, of course, real safety
concerns when living on a farm, and the Father has done many things in the
past that are unsafe. (Let son drive a 475cc Honda 4-Wheeler, by himself.) I
have had so many arguments with the Father over safety issues, I had to
wonder if the man had any common sense. His Father would never discipline
him, unless he broke or lost something that belonged to him. He would let
my son run wild.
To cut to the point, the Father wants my son to live one week with
him, and one week with me; I am terrified that living out of a suitcase will
keep my son from feeling secure, and that the change in schedule, week to
week, will cause continual disruption in his life. He has begun to improve
alot in school here and at my home. I have asked his father to please agree
to let him live with me during school, then after homework, and before
bedtime, he could pick him up to spend extra time with him, on my weekend's,
if his Dad wanted to pick him up on a Saturday for extra time, I would be
okay, and/or part of my Sunday (in between Sunday school and kids bible
study). His Dad will not agree to that and continues to refer to his
attorney's thoughts as, "We will not play it that way" and "win the war",
etc. My child's life is not a game.
What are your thoughts on a child with ADHD living one week with one
parent, the next week with another?
thank you,
Joan
Dear Joan:
In general, six year old children can do well with a week on/week
off custody schedule if they have the support of both parents and if both
parents try hard to make it work. True, children with ADHD typically
require more structure and consistency than other children but there is
structure and consistency in a week to week schedule. I actually think that
there is likely to be more disruption in the type of schedule you propose
than in the week on/week off type of schedule but I recognize that I do not
have first hand knowledge of the particulars of your situaiton.
If I were you, I'd try and make information/education about ADHD
available to the father. There are many easy to read books and pamphlets on
the subject. Perhaps there is a support group or parenting class in your
area that focuses on the issues. This kind of knowledge, coming from
someone other than yourself, will give the father information about how to
support and structure things for your son.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My ex-husband and I currently do the Tuesday, Thursday and
every-other-weekend custody arrangement. When he asked for additional time
with the children (ages 2 and 5), I agreed to one week a month (M-F) in
addition to the regular visitation. He would now like to move to a 50/50
arrangements. Although I feel his motivations are more financial (not having
to pay child support) he says that he wants the time with the kids. I have
never denied him any time and have been extremely flexible with his
schedule. I am a work at home Mom, he is a firefighter (24/48 shifts). He is
getting married to a woman with 3 children of her own (we seperated in
August, and divorced in February - he is re-marrying this September), and I
remain single. He feels that I look at his visitation as my "break", because
I often travel for business and/or pleasure during his week long visitation
period. He says its my responsibility to conform to his schedule to allow
him to see his children, so if he needs to work, then I should be available
to pick up the slack. But at the same time, he opted NOT to take his 8 weeks
for the summer because he had too many other things going on (i.e. vacations
planned with his fiancee and her children, purchase of new home, etc).
Although I believe him to be a good father, I am more concerned
about the effect the split would have on the kids. I want them to have time
with their Dad, but I don't want them to feel too bounced around. I also
feel like this is his attempt to tie me to this very small town we both live
in as his on-call babysitter. I only want whats best for the kids, and I'm
very leary of the 50/50 split.
Regards,
Susan
Dear Susan:
Any agreement you and your children's father arrive at the truly
suits you and is agreeable to you is good for the kids. There is no ideal
custody arrangement per se (certainly some are better than others) but one
that you agree to is ideal since this minimizes conflict between you.
Research has shown, time and again, that it is conflict between the parents
that results in the most harm/risk to children. In my opinion, a five year
old is probably ready to tolerate a week on/week off type of child sharing
program but two years olds need more frequent contact with each parent. I
think it is hard for most two years olds to be away from either parent for a
week at a time.
In terms of the "babysitting" issue, of course you should not be
used as his sitter. He should be responsible for child care for the
children when they are with him and you should be responsible when they are
with you. It may work well to give the other parent "first right of refusal"
when you are going to be away from the children for a period of time (such
as all day/overnight). However, it seems to be that when you are
separated/divorced, this means that you have separate lives and make
separate plans and must be reponsible for yourself. To expect your former
spouse to be on call to care for children during your parenting time is
unreasonable and probably quite likely to create conflict and difficulty.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I was devastated when my wife of 7 years told me she was divorcing
me. She had been having an affair for a couple years while I was too blind
and busy caring for our two young children to see it. She had become
pregnant with the other man's child. There was the 9 month wait to make
sure the child wasn't mine; then a bitter custody battle in which I was
given primary physical custody with legal custody being shared.
The children are with me except for two days every other weekend during the
school year. However, during the summer, she has them 2 weeks and I have
them one. My problem is she does not allow them to talk to me during the
two weeks she has them. My new wife and I ALWAYS allow the children to
speak with her when she calls, or if we aren't home, we have them return her
calls. The four year old, especially, has never been around her mother
enough to bond with her and it breaks my heart that she is not allowed to
correspond with us during her mother's visitation period. Two weeks is a
long time for such a young child. Before the divorce, my x-wife did not
live with me and the children, but came to visit the children one or two
days a week. She gave the children little attention, but she has expressed
anger many times that she now has to pay child support. She appears to be
angry and jealous that I am getting on with my life. Any suggestions to
help her realize that she is hurting the children by not allowing them to
talk with me? Is it time to consult an attorney? Our 6 year old has told me
several times that he wanted to talk to me when I called, but Mom said that
if he did, she would ground him.
A Dad who loves his children very deeply
Dear Dad:
Yes, your children should be able to speak with you freely and
frequently when they are with their mother. They should know that they are
welcome to call you whenver they feel like it. It is important for children
to know that they have access to both parents at all times. This is
independent of the children's history with their mother. It is disturbing
to hear that the children are theatened with punishment for wanting to be in
touch with you - hopefully your child is being dramatic when stating this
but it nevertheless suggests that something is amiss. It is hard to tell
you how to help your children's mother "realize" something that is so
intuitive and make such common sense. However, I might suggest that you buy
her a good book on coparenting (such as Parenting After Divorce by Phil
Stahl, Ph.D.) and show her what the experts have to say about the issue. You
ask if it is time to see an attorney. My answer is that you are best off
and the children are best off avoiding litigation if at all possible. Try
other approaches first.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
The father of my child and myself have already attended a mediation
hearing and have agreed upon a visitation schedule. (Just to mention he has
a lawyer and I do not.) Now that the schedule is signed the father of my
child has been missing pick-up days, hasn't payed child support or even seen
our son in two months and never calls. Now he has our son for two weeks
because he said he forgot that it was summer time and that he would now like
to adhere to the summer time schedule for these two weeks. But after these
two weeks he may not be able to get him. The day that he was picking him up,
when he called to see if I was back from the doctors with our son and I
wasn't home yet he called his lawyer telling her that there was a problem.
So with all of that said and done I whould like to know can he do that?
Isn't that some sort of breach in our visitation agreement? Do I get a say
so in the matter? Am I stuck now bcause I signed the paper at mediation?
Savionsmommie
Dear Savionsmommie:
While child custody agreements are never written in stone and are
always subject to revision when circumstances require, it makes me sad to
hear you use the phrase "stuck" when describing your current situation.
Certainly, if stuck is an appropriate word, it is not YOU tht is stuck but
instead your child. Mom, I understand your frustration, truly I do. But it
is so important to keep the focus on your child and not on how you feel or
what your struggles are. Is it a good thing that dad does not follow
through with regular parenting time? Nope! Is it a good thing that he will
spend two weeks with your son this summer? Yes! Is it upsetting that after
not seeing the child he calls his attorney because you are at the doctor
with your child? You bet! Is anything likely to come of his complaint to
his attorney? Nope. True he has "breached" your aggreement but is it not
best for your son to have time with his father when his father will make
himself avaialble? Sure it is hard for you and frustrating for you. But
being a parent is all about giving, tolerating frustration, doing what is
best for the child even when it is hard or frustrating for the parent. Keep
your eye on the right road, mom. You'll do better and feel a lot better
too! Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband cheated on me and now we are separated. He had the
girlfriend sleep at his house last night while it was his night to have our
daughter. My daughter came home upset and said she was mean to her and the
girlfriend hates her. She also said she had to sleep in her own bed because
they were sleeping together. He only has her two nights a week. Can I stop
him from having her sleep over those two nights? In addition we were trying
to work things out and he has been sleeping at my haouse until I found out
he was still with her only two days ago. So my daughter sees Daddy and Mommy
together one night and someone else with Daddy the next.
Dear Mom:
Research shows that it is best for separated/divorcing parents to
give children time to adjust to the change in their lives before engaging in
a new romantic relationship that the child is exposed to. Please understand
that I am not making a moral judgement here. I am simply telling you what
comptent research tells us. When parents rush into new relationships,
children don't have the chance to truly process and adjust to the change in
their lives with regard to the breakup of the family. Since your husband is
also spending time with you, this adds extra confusion to the situation.
For your part, I would think it best that you at least stop having your
husband over to spend the night with you. At least you can bring an end to
that source of confusion. I can also understand that you are hurt and angry
that your husband is apparently simultaneously trying to reconcile with you
and see his girlfriend. While your hurt is understandable, please be very
careful not to allow your hurt to impact your parenting, your decision
making or how you speak with your daughter about the situation. The hurt you
feel is not something your very young child needs to know about or be
exposed to. As to whether you can prevent him from having the girlfriend
over when your daughter is there, that is a quesiton for an attorney.
Thanks for your letter and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My question is that my 14 soon to be 15 yr old wants to live with
his father. His dad lives in Illinois and I live in Michigan, we are 500
miles apart. My daughter is 12. My son believes that he is old enough to
make this decision on his own. His father isnt a "bad" dad but......the
step-mom drinks and has drove with my children in the car in past incidents.
My ex is allowed all of the summer visitation. My son will not say a bad
word about the step-mom due to the fact that I told him if one more incident
occurred with the drinking that there would be big trouble with the
step-mom.
My son has spoken with my ex's attorney (I have full-custody of both
children), not that it matters. My question is, Can a soon to be 15 yr old
make that type of decision on his own? My lawyer spoke with me and said
that he believes that my son will be allowed to go, that he is old enough to
make that decision. My son stated to my lawyer that he loves me and his
stepdad, that there is nothing wrong other than the fact that he just wants
to live with his dad.
Any advice would be great at this point.
Thanks,
Shannon
Dear Shannon:
Different localities have different laws and regulations and rules
regarding when a child is old enough to be able to make this type of
decision. My own sense is that a 15 year old must be listened to and his
wishes should be taken quite seriously. After all, as the parent of a
teenager, you know what there is to gain (and not gain) when you oppose a
teen about things that they feel very strongly about (and which won't
endanger them). Also, as children get older, it begins to make more sense
for siblings to have different arrangements...whereas younger children
usually are more of a "package." I know that you may be hurt and feel sad
that your son wants to live with his dad. It is normal for you to feel like
that. However, be assured that it is often the case that teenagers choose
to experience time with the other parent when they have been primarily
raised by one parent. To the extent that this is normal for dual household
children, perhaps you can feel somewhat reassured that your son is doing
well.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughters ages are 12 and 8. My children's father and I have
been divorced for 2 years after a one year separation period. My ex has
never been perfect, yet he was a good father and husband for 13 years. He
began using drugs and the lies and lack of trust, gambling and out of
control behavior devastated our family. I sought help to heal both my and
my children's emotions and we have made great progress. I am much different
now than I was before the divorce, independent, confident, and I have many
friends. We have spent time together and talked briefly of reconciliation
however my ex feels threatened by my new life and ultimately reunites with
the girlfriend he has sporadically had living with him for the last year.
He goes in cycles of hating me and making up horrible stories to
tell about me, not calling or seeing his children, to apologizing and
accepting blame and smothering us with attention. This time he will not
return their calls, has changed his phone number and will not call them. He
has not seen them in the past two months although he had promised them to
never abandon them again. He makes promises to them and does not keep them,
tells them I am on drugs, and that I am promiscuous. They are becoming
tired of his constant lying, drinking, abandonment and self pity and I have
a hard time convincing them to continue to try to make contact with him.
I know they are hurting under the "I don't really care" attitude and
I have tried to get their dad to understand what he is doing to them by
sending him articles on the subject and letters describing their pain. I
get no response. My question is do I continue to try to instigate my girls
to contact their dad or do I stop? I cannot stand to see the pain in their
faces and the hunger for his attention and affection. They feel like he
does not care for them anymore. I talk honestly with them and tell them he
is the one with the problems, they are not the problem but I know deep down
they still hurt. Please advise me on the best way to handle this situation.
Coni
Dear Coni:
This is a very tough situation for any parent. How sad it makes a
parent when their children's other parent seems to be troubled and seems to
be hell bent on selfish trouble making rather than loving and supportive
parenting. You obviously know that you can't change his behavior or change
is attitudes but that you can only control what you do and say and how you
parent. Your children's feelings are understandable and, in many ways,
healthy in that their feelings reflect their very real and very human pain.
For them to pretend that they don't hurt or for them to pretend that their
father isn't being emotionally inappropriate with them would be unrealistic
and, therefore, worriesome.
I think being honest with them is good plan insofar as the honesty
is required to support their realistic and accurate perceptions of what they
are going through. I wouldn't add fuel to the fire or give them information
that doesn't foster this (in other words, don't act out of your anger at
their father by going overboard). Asking them to instigate contact with
someone who is inappropriate with them is something I'd be cautious about.
However, you want to let them know that they always have your support and
permission in being in contact with their dad, in having a relationship with
him and in loving him. At some point, probably when they are older, they
will wish to communicate their pain to their father but this may not be
their time for it. However, rest more comfortably knowing that they are
communicating it to you and not holding it in and internalizing it.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am separated now from my daughters and have them on Saturdays and
take them to school in the mornings on Monday. I am a Dad who tries very
hard to get along with my ex but the girls had some behavior problems in her
home on a Friday and I was told I could not see them on Saturday. She is
punishing them with not being able to spend time with me Do you believe it
is ok?.
Dear Dad:
No, it absolutely is not OK. In fact, it is horrible. Your
relationship with the girls is not something to be used to punish them. You
must put a stop to this.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.