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We have an ex-daughter in law that seems to show she has Munchausen's. She lies and has new friends or co-workers and husband's and lover's convinced that she has brain cancer and has had a kidney transplant. The story goes on and on. She has told our grandson some of the worst stories, all untrue. We want to reach out and help her in some way. This has gone on for over 20 years.
Any ideas?
Hello:
Munchausen's Disease has gotten a good deal of press lately. It is a psychological disorder in which an individual fakes symptoms of illness or actually induces physical symptoms in themselves as a way of garnering attention or attaining some gain or goal. A variation of Munchausen's is known as Munchausen's by Proxy. This is a disease wherein a parent induces illness in a child. It is usually this form of Munchausen's Disease that comes to attention of professionals involved in custody situation.
Of course I cannot tell based upon the information you've provided if it is the case that your former daughter-in-law has Munchausen's or not. If she does, you'll want to know that it is a disease that is strongly denied by the individual. It is usually only after being "caught" attempting to exploit or manipulate based upon supposed physical symptoms that the person may admit they have a problem. You might consider confronting her with the inconsistencies in her statements and stories, tell her that you love her and are concerned about her and that you want to help her get the help she needs. Should this fail, (which it likely will), my suggestion is that you make protecting yourselves and your loved ones from the chaos she creates by distancing yourself from her.
Thank you for writing. Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have been divorced from my husband for about 4 years. We have a 7 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. I live in South Florida with our kids and he lives in NW Georgia. My problem is that he is still very angry with me for leaving with the kids. He has started drinking again and has violent verbal outburst with me over the phone and in person when we exchange the children for visitation. A few of the many reasons why I left him in the first place was his alcohol/drug problem, emotional abuse, and early signs of physical abuse. Besides for remaining calm during his outbursts and talking with the children about how his behavior is not nice although he is a good person, what else can I do? Is there a way to prevent having these violent outbursts in front of the children? Should I look into other ways of establishing visitation for the sake of the children's mental health?
Sincerely,
SusanHi Susan:
You letter asks some very important questions and I am pleased to try my best to address them. The situation you present is one in which there appears to be violence and psychological/physical/emotional abuse taking place. The bottom line is that a parent who is an abuser is not one who is safe with children. Usually, children in such situations require protection so that the pattern of abuse can be stopped. Clearly, with alcohol and/or drugs in the picture, your children's father will find it even more difficult to contain his outbursts and behave in a fashion that is safe and positive for the children.
You, yourself, cannot stop your children's father from behaving in whatever way he chooses to behave. You can, however, reinforce with your children that you do not believe that what he is doing is safe or good for them. If, in your opinion, his contact with the children causes more problems than it solves, I believe that you have a parental obligation to take the legal steps to put in place appropriate safeguards. Here in San Diego where I live and work, it is not uncommon for situations such as yours to involve supervised visitation between the children and the unsafe parent. During the course of such supervised visitation, it is typical for the unsafe parent to be involved in whatever educational and or treatment efforts are thought necessary to help them remedy the problems that have led to their being supervised in the first place. I am, of course, unfamiliar with the specific laws and resources available to you where you live. However, I strongly suggest that you consult with a qualified attorney in the field of family law and custody to determine the course that might be best to take.
Please keep us posted on how your situation develops.
Regards,
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I live in Idaho and have a 7 year old daughter whose father lives in Lancaster, CA. She receives phone calls sometimes once a week more often every 2-3 weeks. The last visit was in the summer where she cried steadily the first week and her brother said she cried herself to sleep most nights. The brother has a stronger relationship with the father in that they talk longer on the phone but not any more often. The issue now: she is refusing to go see him for Christmas. Says she will run away. I have told her that she doesn't have to. If he pushes the issue what is the worse that can happen? As in: will I go to jail? And isn't there some way around forcing a child to go when they absolutely do not want to? Her mental health is more important at this point than her father's power struggle with her.
If you can help or let me know where help may be had , I would greatly appreciate it. I am a full time student and do not have financial resources at this time.
Debbie
Hello Debbie:
Yes, your situation is most distressing and a very complex one as well. I have the sense that you and your children's father do not communicate well and, therefore, are unable to work together to decrease your daughter's apparent upset. This is one of those situations where your being able to work collaboratively with him would benefit your daughter immeasurably.
Certainly, if she demonstrates anxiety or avoidance of her father, it would be helpful to have him increase his telephone time with her, write her cards/letters more often and otherwise reach out to her in positive ways. I would also ask you, however, if there is any part of you, even a small one, that consciously or unconsciously benefits from your daughter's upset and that seeks to promote her being aligned with you against her father. Is your daughter perhaps reacting, in part, to her perceptions of your emotions?
Not knowing the specifics of your situation, I can offer you general comments about situations similar to the one you write about. In general, I do not think that it is a good idea to allow a child as young as your daughter to be able to decide if/when she sees her other parent. This is properly an adult decision. In the absence of truly inappropriate behavior or parenting on the part of her father, avoidance such as your daughter's usually reflects unhealthy anxiety. Avoidance therefore become a maladaptive way of coping with the anxiety. Assuming that there is nothing truly amiss in her father's home, I would strongly encourage you to be clear with your daughter that this coming Christmas is her father's parenting time, that she will be going to her father's home and that you want her to go and have a super visit. Remind her that this is an adult decision, not a child's decision. Assure her that although you will miss her that you will be fine, that it will make you happy knowing that she is with her other parent and that it is truly OK with you that she is there.
Best wishes and I hope that these comments are useful to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My husband lost his mom when he was 6 and then had a poor relationship with his father as his sister was the favored child and he always felt like the third wheel.. He says he felt no love from his dad and ever since we were together (10 years now) hasn't really wanted anything to do with his dad and sister who still live together. I pushed him to keep contact and was the main reason that there was any relationship. Earlier in the year there was a family blow-up because my husband has depression and they don't understand it or wont deal with it and there was a situation were my father-in law blatantly rejected my husbands offer of help with a family situation. At the same time my sister-in-law gave my husband an ultimatum about being or not being her brother. My husband is 31 and his sister 29. He never called her back because he felt that a question like that did not deserve a response. My father in law has never called since then. Once my sister in law called, and I told her that my husband would be willing to go to family therapy with them - but that they should look into it and get back to me. She claimed her father would do anything for my husband yet they never even responded to that. That was in April. A few weeks ago we saw my father -in law at the supermarket - he said a few things to me - Hi, how are you type of stuff and nothing more than HI to his son.
My son Ryan, 4 was with us and was later upset that Grandpa did not talk to him. He now mentions his grandfather very often and says that he is sad that he doesn't see him anymore. My husbands therapist says that we are teaching Ryan that its ok not to have contact with your parents when you grown up and don't get along. What worries me is that my husbands father did not have contact with his own father and hated him as well. Are we truly setting up Ryan for the same??? My husband and Ryan have a loving relationship - so perhaps it could be different?? I just don't now and want to do the right thing.
Is there a way my son could have a relationship without my husband having much contact with his father and sister which he strongly dislikes and who agitate him. Another point - they think I control my husband. Yes, I am a take charge individual - very strong - but my husband makes his own decisions and actually I always pushed him to have contact with them.(I never tried to push them away) What do you see as a somewhat healthy resolution for all involved??
Please let me know.
Thank a lot,
AP
Hello AP,When families such as your husband's family have long-standing histories of estrangement that exist across several generations, it is usually the case that the dynamics of the family are entrenched, rigid and hard to change.
Often, individuals from such families do not know how to live in "gray" areas and therefore retreat to areas that are either black or white. Anger becomes a predominant emotional within such families and, oddly enough, is often an emotion that binds and keeps people attached even if the attachment is painful. I'm sure you can tell that I don't see a simple, easy or rapid resolution to your husband's situation with his extended family. Certainly, you do not wish to see your own son come to adopt a corresponding way of dealing with family members and conflict within the family nor do you want him to feel the hurt of not having a relationship with his grandparents.
I would strongly suggest that you locate and consult with an experienced therapist who specializes in family issues - in particular multigenerational family issues. This is truly a subspecialty and not something most therapists are experienced in or fully competent in.
Best wishes. Please write again and let us know of how the situation is progressing.
Truly yours,
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have very serious problem and am so confused as to how to handle it. My son and his wife had a problem with drugs last year. They have two young daughters aged 6 and 3. I had been told by several people that they were doing drugs but I could not find out for sure myself. Until the day the school called and said that my oldest granddaughter had not been picked up after school. Her mother was two hours late. I immediately went and picked her up and went to their home. I banged and banged on the door but she did not answer, even though her car was there. I took my granddaughter to my home and left her with my husband. I did not want her to witness me "breaking" into their home. I was so afraid for my 3 year old granddaughter.
To make a long story short I ended up taking my granddaughter's both home with me. When my son returned from work, my brother and I had a talk with both of them and I was assured that they would stop. Up until a week ago I believed that they had, even though my daughter-in-law still has open sores all over her. Then last week someone called Children's Protective Services on them.
To make another long story short - it turned out that my daughter had been the one to call. She is very adamant that they are still doing drugs. Now my other son is living with them and she says he is also doing drugs. Of course, this has caused major family war. But that is not my problem. I need to know if I should go get my granddaughter's. They are suffering terribly. They are always so dirty and their house is a pigsty. My oldest granddaughter has been behaving very badly for the last couple of months and this is just not like her. When do I have the right as a grandparent to step in? Do I have that right?
Please advise me. I am so scared and these little girls need me so badly. I don't want to lose my son's but they are adults now. They have to make their own decisions but someone has to look out for the girls.
Thanks so much,
BW
Yuma, Arizona
Dear BW,Thank you for writing. From what you say, you have a complex and difficult situation to deal with. If it is true that there is significant involvement with drugs on the part of the parents, you can expect their reasoning in the situation and their ability to problem solve with you to be problematic at best. I say this because when drugs are involved, rational thinking disappears.
Since I am not an attorney, I can't respond as to whether you have the right, in the eyes of the law, to step in as a grandparent. However, as a psychologist, I deeply empathize with your plight, your concerns and your sense of having to do something to help your grandchildren. I might suggest at this point that you take two steps. First, call Child Protective Services in your area and calmly explain to them your understanding of the situation and your concerns for your grandchildren. Make sure that you focus upon your concerns for the children. Second, it might be wise to consult with a family law specialist in your area. This professional can advise you of your rights under the law and help you take what steps are available to assist your grandchildren.
Best wishes to you, your grandchildren and your entire family. This is not an easy situation and sounds like one that will probably become even more complex and emotional before it improves.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My girlfriend and I broke up and I pay child support for our one year old daughter. That's all fine, but she has another 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship that she doesn't receive support for. The father of the took off after he found out she was pregnant. I feel like allot of my support money is going to the other daughter. She doesn't have a lot of money, but she will not go after the father for support.
Is this right? Is this fair for me and my daughter?
Thank you
Dear J.,
Your worry and frustration in the situation are understandable. However, the reality of the situation is that you are in a situation where you have no control over what is done with the child support money you send to your daughter's mother. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and the ethical thing, that being to pay your support reliably and in a timely fashion. Please allow this to give you the sense of honor and the feeling of doing the right thing that it should bring to you. Unless you notice that your daughter's basic and legitimate needs are not being provided for by her mother (which is what the child support money is for, after all), try and learn the gentle art of acceptance since your only option is to take the legal steps necessary to become the primary custodial parent of your daughter.Best wishes!
Dr. Simon
I am a 40 year old non-custodial parent of a lovely 5 year old boy named Nicholas. He was born out of wedlock and at the time was unplanned, certainly not unwanted, at least my me. I have an intense amount of resistance from the mother who has custody. She absolutely does not want me in the picture. I have established parental rights myself and intend on being a father to Nicholas, however limited at this time.
This is where we are at...she has recently been arrested for being intoxicated (.235 BAC) while Nicholas was in her care, subsequently being arrested for neglect. This has put her in a "backed in the corner" situation and now she has lowered herself into making up lies and accusations, meaning an extreme amount of lies, denying some visitations. I have no contact with Nicholas in his childcare center, no phone calls are returned, get called names in front of him and she coaches him in his beliefs about me, which I feel no longer have much of an influence. What can I do to make some kind of resolution, for the sake of Nicholas' well being? Right now, she has been ordered into a treatment program for addictions, she is resisting this to some extent, denial I am sure. I have contacted a lawyer and am attempting to pursue custody, at least until she completes the addictions program, if she can. Any ideas???
L.P.
Dear Mr. L.P.,
I truly empathize with your situation. I imagine it is most upsetting to know that the parent who is primarily responsible for your child seems to be unable to provide appropriate parenting at this time. As you probably know, in situations where the couple that have a child were never married, it is not uncommon for there to be an intense tug-of-war for the child. It seems to be much easier to co-parent when there was once a marriage or a relationship between the parents that was loving and supportive.Please understand that I cannot comment on the specifics of your situation because I do not have access to the full range of facts, information and so forth. Nor do I know the laws or prevailing "conventional wisdom" of the area in which you live. Therefore, my comments will be more general in nature.
The primary concern here needs to be the welfare of the child and the degree to which his safety may be endangered. It is never a good idea for any adult to disparage the parent of a child to the child. It is most harmful is this disparagement comes from the other parent but it is harmful even if the negative words come from someone who is not the child's parent. I would encourage you to resist the natural temptation to return fire with fire. Children need to be able to trust adults. They can only do so when they perceive adults as being supportive of their love for the other people in their lives.
With respect to the DUI and drinking issue, if it is the case that the child's mother's functioning is truly compromised due to substance use/abuse and that the child is in some form of protective danger, there are normally legal processes by which the matter can be brought before a judge on an emergency basis. Typically, this is known as an"ex parte" hearing.
It sounds like a good idea for you to retain the services of a family law specialist to help you pursue the best interests of your child in a court of law if indeed the child's mother is not being cooperative. Remember, however, that the courts cannot solve your personal problems. Rather, they can only order what will and won't be. I encourage you, as I do all parents, to make every effort to set in motion a means of solving your disagreements that keeps you out of the the courts and keeps your private matters private. This is always best for the child!
Best wishes to you and your son.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My children are with their father in Boston, Mass. The court order stipulated they call at least every other Sunday if not more. Also they are supposed to spend the summer with me here in S.D. county. It's been nearly 2 mos. and I have not been contacted by either the kids or their father, what should I do...
Hello and thank you for writing.
I'm sorry that you are going through this situation. I'm sure it is stressful for you as well as the children. At this point, I would suggest that you consult with an attorney who is a specialist in family law and custody issues. Unfortunately, it is often necessary for a legal recourse to be considered.
Best Wishes!
Dr. Simon
I have been under a restraining order because I called my children some pretty bad names and spanked them.
I have been taking domestic violence classes and truly understand my cues and have learned many things about parenting and have realized that I can only be responsible for my actions. My question is; when does the healing begin?
I have no access to my children and I know that they must be quite confused and looking for answers as I am. I raised my children for several years on my own because of the kids mom having bi polar depression.. they depended on me being there for them and now I have been made absent by the courts.. and a counselor is responsible in making the visitation determination. I feel that I have been minimized as a parent and have no way of letting my kids know that I am sorry and am so willing to help this restoration process. I love my children.
thanks for your time
Pop on the ropes
Hello Pop
The situation you are in is one that, sadly, many parents experience.
Our family courts properly place the highest priority on children's well being and safety. If there is ample reason to believe that a parent's behavior towards a child or children is causing them harm.
From what you've told me, your behavior falls in that category. It is unfortunate that you have no access to your children no matter what has happened. I'm surprised that you have not been allowed supervised visits with your children but there may well be circumstances and facts that you did not mention and that I am therefore unaware of. You might want to look into the possibility of having supervised visits. Ask your attorney or, if you are in San Diego, contact the Griffin & Wong Institute and ask some questions. Through supervised visitation, it can be assured that you have learned new skills and new ways of begin with your children so that their well-being can be assured. You'll be given the opportunity to demonstrate your new skills. Through your learning and appropriate contact with the children, the healing can start. Are your children in therapy? Are you? This is also important and I strongly encourage you to consider this as well.
What your letter points out is that abuse towards children, whether it is mental, physical, emotional, sexual or otherwise, is a huge problem that deeply impacts the children. I'm sure you love your children. However, you have to love them enough to do what is right by them, not what feels expedient in the moment to you. Abuse leaves scars that can last a lifetime. There is every reason for the courts and for others to proceed with great caution when it is known that some form of abuse has taken place.
Best wishes!
Dr. Simon.
My husband and I have been separated for 2 years and we have a soon to be 4 year old daughter. We have been sharing the parenting by having her alternating weeks at each place. I have become involved with another man and will likely remarry. My concerns are regarding how the week on and off at each place would affect her as she gets older and starts school. I feel that she needs to have one place as "home base" to have a sense of belonging. Also, as I am planning on having more children, I am concerned with this arrangement that she may not have a sense of belonging to the new family. Her father is very involved and continues to wish to do so. I want what is best for her and do not wish to cause confusion with her. I do not want to replace her father with anyone else, but I don't know how people move on with others in their life if both parents want to remain so active in their roles.
Sincerely, Confused.
Dear Confused,
Thank you so very much for your letter. You ask some very good questions and surely your situation is one that many of our readers share. Before answering your concerns directly, I first want to compliment you for being a parent who puts children's needs first.
Doing this is probably the single most important and helpful thing you can do for your child and the very fact that you parent in this fashion suggests that your child's welfare is in good hands.
You ask about the child having a "home base" for when she begins school. The reality of this child's life is that she has two homes and two families now that you and her father are divorced. So long as both you and her father are providing appropriate, supportive and loving homes, she will do fine without an official
"home base". Of course, if you live in two different home school areas, you'll have to select which school she will attend but I'm certain you can work that out with ease.You also ask about your remarriage and wonder if your having a new husband and more children means that your daughter would be better off in her father's home the majority of the time. Once again, the reality of your daughter's life is that she has two homes and two families. Both you and her father have every right to move on with your lives, fall in love, remarry and, if you wish, have more children. There is no reason that this needs to be a negative thing for her so long as she is not regarded as a "second class citizen" in your new home and so long as it is made clear to her in word and action that your new husband is not her father but rather your husband.
Based upon the tone and nature of your letter, I have the sense that you are well-prepared to handle these challenges and assure that your daughter has a wonderful life in both homes.
I wish you the very best and thank you again for writing!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have a 19 year old daughter, she became pregnant at the end of her junior year in high school, had the baby during her senior year. With my help and support she graduated from high school, worked a part time job and took care of the baby all while still living at my home. Now that she is 19, working full time and attending community college full time, my grandson gets the short end of her attention. In fact, she ignores him except to yell at him. When she is at home she is constantly on the phone, my house looks like it should be condemned. She refuses to pick up after her son, doesn't watch him (she is too busy talking on the phone), when she is not at school or at work she is either still asleep (my grandson is up unsupervised roaming the house) or out with her friends. (She says that "Israel (my grandson) is asleep so you aren't watching him") She refuses to leave my house (to tell you the truth, I don't want Israel to leave, just her). She doesn't help pay any bills, spends every penny she earns on clothes, cds and going out. When Israel needs diapers, in the past I had been buying them; I can not continue to do this because I don't have the money. I don't know what to do with her and I don't want Israel to suffer.
Can you give me any suggestions. Should I get a lawyer and obtain custody of my grandson, then kick her butt out. I am at my wits end.
Dear Reader
Thank you for your letter. It certainly illustrates some important points and issues with what happens when very young people become pregnant and raise children. Certainly, I'll go on record as stating that age 19 is too young of an age to become a parent but we all know that these things happen. When they do, we must make the best of them and make them work since the welfare of a child and a young adult are both at stake.
From what you tell me, it sounds as if your daughter has some ambivalent feelings towards motherhood. With the luster of being a new mother having worn off, your picture of her suggests that she wishes to recapture the freedom and opportunity of her youth. While it is normal for youth to desire to be youth, your daughter has responsibilities that are crucial and that are probably beyond her maturity or that of any 19 year old for that matter! This makes it all the more important that you are there, that you participate in the care of your grandchild and that you do so with the patience, wisdom and experience that comes with your age.
Before you obtain an attorney and begin adversarial proceedings, I might suggest that you and your daughter participate in some counseling or psychotherapy. It might also be important for your daughter to attend a parenting class so that she can learn skills that she may lack. Sometimes just knowing what to do in situations reduces anxiety and fear (which can lead to the kind of behavior on her part that you describe). If you feel that your grandchild is in danger or that your daughter may choose to leave with him, obtaining a legal consultation might be a good idea. However, it is always best to try and solve these types of problems in a collaborate and cooperative fashion rather than in one born of conflict, contention and litigation. Working together as a family is not only in your best interests and in your daughter's best interests, it is also in your grandchild's best interests which is even more important!
Your situation is a difficult one at best and one that will probably require effort, management and work for some time to come. Qualified mental health professionals who are familiar with situations such as this may be in the best position to help all of you make the best of this painful situation.
Thank you again for writing. Please write back if I can be of further information or assistance.
Dr. Simon
I am a grandparent with custody of our 16 month old granddaughter. Her mother is a heroin addict and can not care for her and her father says he wants custody but he's not ready yet. She is usually a happy and cheerful child but lately her behavior puzzles and worries me.
Since Sept. her father has been visiting. First at our home then at his. He now takes her from Fri. morning until Sun. night. This is when her problems began.
#1 I always sang special songs to her to calm her down when she was going through withdrawal. We continued to enjoy the songs until recently. Suddenly when I start to sing she gets a fearful look on her face, says "NO" and cries.
#2 We are concerned about the language she is using. "Those words" are not spoken here. The most disturbing thing is she uses those words in relation to herself. Such as "I F-------g baby." "I bad girl" "I stinky brat."
#3 She has never been punished for doing normal baby things like spilling her milk and such. When she spills her milk and plays in it I consider it science experiments. I just say her name then we get a paper towel and clean it up. Suddenly she is very fearful if caught making a mess. She runs in the corner and hides and cries. Today she was bouncing on my lap and knocked off my glasses. She started to cry saying I broke glasses. I put them back on to show her it was okay but she continued to cry and say she broke them and was a bad girl. We NEVER sat things like bad girl to her.
I am a stay at home grandma so she is never been with a sitter. She is usually so well natured that we take her everywhere with us. I tried to talk to Dad & his girlfriend about this but they just say nothing is different at their house.
Do you think I am worrying over nothing or should more be done to get to the bottom of this?
Kathy
Hi Kathleen,
Thank you for writing to me about your situation. The child you are writing about is very young. Although she is in a time of substantial cognitive and intellectual development/growth, she is of course far too young to be able to "understand" her situation and make great sense of it. At times of stress and change, people of all ages show signs of stress. Psychologists sometimes think of these signs as being clinical "symptoms" of a problem or disturbance.
In your letter, you seem to suggest that your granddaughter's visits with her father, especially in his home, are the source of her puzzling behavior. Of course, I cannot state whether your suspicion is in fact the case since I don't have direct information so let me instead talk about the general problems with custodial situations and help you decide whether to seek professional help near you.
Children, especially very young children, are highly reactive to changes in their living arrangements, changes in parental figures and changes in family structure and routine. The simple fact that your granddaughter's father is now a part of her life would be expected to produce some disequilibrium for her. In situations where the "sides" to the custody situation are at odds with each other or mistrust one another, this disequilibrium in the child is typically more pronounced and dramatic. There are more "symptoms". The fact that a child is "symptomatic" in such a situation could mean only that she is reacting to and adjusting to the changes in her life. In a situation that sees a child behaving with fear, hyperemotionalism, negativism and the like, this may or may not be a sign that something is truly amiss. Again, I cannot say if this is the case for your granddaughter or not. However, it does seem reasonable to consult with a qualified and experienced child psychologist to have the situation evaluated. Optimally, the evacuation would involve not only your granddaughter but also all adults in parental roles. Often, education, support and establishing rapport and consistency between the households takes care of the situation nicely. In other cases, legal action eventually results. Let's hope that this is not the case for you.
Best wishes and thank you again for writing.
Dr. Simon
We have a daughter who is 23, has 4 children, has been living with us for the past 3 months, and has used us up completely. Her boyfriend has also lived there, who is the father of three of the children. She has given us trouble since she was 12 years old, and still is. It seems that she has this problem of tolerating her children, but yet she expects us as grandparents to do this. I work and my husband works. We have changed our schedules at work so that the one in kindergarten can get back and forth to school.
We have talked about raising the kids ourselves, without any involvement from her, but financially, where do we stand. I can not afford to quit work, but yet I can not afford to pay for child care. The children are ages 9 months to 6. Only one is in school. Is there help available for grandparents for this sort of thing, and if so, could you tell me some of the organizations that could possibly help?
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you for your help
M.D.
Muncie, INHello M.D. and thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, situations such as yours are all too common. In my own practice I work with a number of children who are being raised by grandparents or who live with their parents in grandparent's homes. It is a growing trend nowadays.
The only support organization I am aware of that exists to deal with the specific issues you have written me about is Grand Parents Raising Children. It is an organization local to San Diego, but they may be able to assist you. Often, support organizations start when people such as yourself have a need and come to understand that there is no one out there that is meeting the need.
As for your specific situation, allow me to make a couple of comments that are based upon what I have seen in my practice. It is important to realize that raising these children is your daughter's responsibility and not yours. If she is unable to provide them with what they need, you may need to seek legal guardianship over the children so that you can have the authority to do what you feel is best. If you wish to do this, consult a certified family law specialist in your area. If you are unable to do this or unwilling to do this, it is important to realize that your daughter will not become more responsible until you stop rescuing her and stop preventing her from learning what she must learn in order to be a good parent.
Your situation is painful since the children are innocents and you feel stuck because you want what is best for them. However, do understand that having them in a home filled with conflict and tension is not good for them or for their mother or for you. It may, sadly, be the case that the best you can do for your grandchildren is to love them and be available to them when they need you. Just remember that your daughter is not likely to change how it is that she parents until you back away enough to make it necessary for her to change.
I do wish you the very best in a truly difficult situation.
Dr. Simon
My problem is a little different than those that I read on this web site but one that other parents going through divorce may have to face eventually. I had been divorced for 15 years before remarrying almost 4 years ago. I have a 22 year old son that is talking about getting married next year. Him and his girlfriend have been dating for over 5 years and I have no problem with this. The problem I am having is how to deal with the possibility of my ex-husband and his mother being at the wedding. He called last night to tell me he had been invited and if I had a problem with that. You see he was very violent during our marriage of 3 years. I came very close to death several times during our marriage and even had his mother walk in during one of those times only to have her ask me what "I" had done to provoke him. I know that my son has been dealing with a lot of emotions concerning his "absent" father. He had not been in my sons life until he was 18 years old.
The thought of having to face this person that did so much damage in my life is inconceivable, not to mention my husband's reaction to him. I don't want to ruin my son's special day but feel that even though this wedding may be months away, I will need to start now on how I will deal with these "Old Wounds".
Thanks, Old Wounds
Dear Old Wounds:
Thank you very much for writing and for allowing me to help you with this problem. The question you ask and the issue you raise is truly a very sensitive one and something you are smart to carefully consider. The reality of violence in the family is something that our culture often hides from. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a reality and something we must acknowledge and deal with. Family violence often leaves wounds and hurt that last a very long time. Although these wounds are difficult to heal, they can heal and something such as your son's wedding does give you the opportunity to take steps in that direction.
Your son's wedding is a special day for him and a celebration of his love for his wife-to-be. No matter what his history with his father is, if he wants his father to be there, I think it is important that everyone show your son enough respect to honor his desire. That he wants his father there could well be a sign that he has worked through and forgiven his father whatever transgressions were committed. This is a role model other members in the family can follow. A wedding is a time to celebrate love...not only the love the couple becoming married but the love and support of others towards the couple. Your being present at the wedding is a demonstration of this love much as his father's presence would be. I think that this is a time to be as mature and adult as you can be and put aside your fears and feelings long enough to make your son's day a very special one. It seems very important that all of the adults in the family show your son enough respect and love so that your feelings/fears/hurts not get in the way of him having a very special day.
Your situation, sadly, is not unique. Some families I know have simply agreed that people keep their distance and that they acknowledge that talking to former spouses or pretending as if they are now close to the former spouse is not necessary. Remaining neutral is truly enough to help make your son's wedding special for him. Remember that the degree to which you show your anger, your hurt and your discomfort at the wedding will influence the other guests at the wedding and make the day uncomfortable for everyone. Having your son's father present at the wedding certainly is not properly interpreted as an act of forgetting on your part. Rather, it is interpreted as an act of love on your part..that you love and respect your son enough to allow his needs to come first on this special day. I suspect that your ability to do this will make you proud of yourself and it may actually help heal some of your old wounds.
Best wishes and good luck to you and your whole family!
Dr. Simon
I've been ordered to take a parenting class and I am furious! I've parented my son for almost five years by myself. Now the father has been asked to pay child support and has sued for joint physical custody. Why have I been ordered to parenting class? I think it is pretty clear who the parent is here!!
What gives?!
Hello!
Parents who are at odds with each other and who do not communicate well are often ordered to take parenting classes for the simple reason that this gives each parent an identical base from which to form their parenting skills. Your having been ordered into parenting classes need not be taken as a judge's statement that you are not a good parent. Rather, this is more likely the Court's attempt to level the playing field between the parents so as to diminish possible conflict and dispute. Reducing conflict and dispute, of course, is always in the children's best interests!
I hope this helps!
Dr.. Simon
My son is four years old. His father has not been involved since the child since shortly after birth. The father was contacted by the DA's child support office for money. The father denied paternity. The paternity tests are completed and confirm that he is the father. He now wants a parental role in my son's life. I don't really want this to happen but feel like I have no choice. So how do I tell my son about his father. And how do I help my child deal with this radical change.
A worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom:
Thank you for writing. I can understand your concern since it is probably about how to help your child accept his father in his life without there being undue pain because of father's absence up to this point. It is important that you do your best to help your son come to know his father and that you be supportive of the father's role in your son's life despite your own pain and anger.
Indeed, the change may not be as radical as you imagine since your son, no doubt, realizes that there is a man in the world who is his biological father. While it is important that you do not make excuses for his father's absence and that you do not lie about the reasons for his absence, I might suggest that you emphasize the positive aspects of there being another adult in his life that loves him and wants to give him the many opportunities life has to offer. You will want to answer your son's questions factually and at a developmentally appropriate level. Be careful not to offer too much information or to give your son answers to questions he did not ask. It is also important to realize that the introduction of your son's father into his life is not so much an event as it is a process that will unfold over time. Like all processes, you can expect the unexpected. You might consider as well consulting with a local child psychologist so that your specific questions and concerns can be answered and so that you can gain support for your son from this person as the relationship with his father unfolds.
I can well understand your fear and skepticism since you don't want your son to be hurt and you don't want him to grow attached to his father only to have the father disappear again. However, we as adults know that life is filled with things we cannot predict or control and that we must act based upon what is before us in the present not out of fear of what might happen. This is the kind of courage that, when modeled for our children, teaches them some of the most important coping skills for life.
My very best wishes. I'd enjoy to hear back as to how the reunification with your son's father is going.
Dr.. Simon
My daughter's mother is an airline pilot. She works two or three days in a row then is off two or three days in a row. The schedule is literally different every week. The judge has given us joint physical custody and the schedule is dictated completely by her work schedule. If she isn't working she has the child. If she is working I have the child. Our daughter is three years old. I am having a hard time dealing with this because I cannot believe that this is good for my child. Not to mention the impact on my own life both professionally and personally. I feel like my ex-wife is in charge of my life and I hate it. Help!
Frustrated and confused what day is this anyway Dad!!
Hi Frustrated Dad...
Dear Dad...
First of all, congratulations for hanging in there under these circumstances and for being a loving and caring parent! Doing that isn't easy.
I do understand how difficult the lack of a consistent pattern is for you and, perhaps, for your daughter. You might be surprised to learn that the lack of a consistent pattern isn't as difficult for her as it is for you. Children tend to be far more resilient and accepting than adults. And since your child's mother has always had an unusual pattern of being in and out of town, this may well be "normal" to your daughter! Remember that were you still married to her mother, your daughter's presence in her mother's life would be affected by her work schedule anyway. Although everyone's life would be easier if your child's mother had a more typical work schedule, what is best for your daughter is to have the love and involvement of both parents in her life. That her schedule of time with each of you is atypical is far less harmful to her than would be the reality of one of you not actively parenting and loving her.
There is no doubt that your ex-wife's schedule wreaks havoc on your life since there is little predictability to it and this makes it hard for you to plan. That you remain as involved with your daughter is wonderful and shows how strong the bonds of love are! In your situation, it seems to me that by choosing to stay active in your daughter's life that you have no choice but to accept the way in which her mother's schedule impacts your life. This is one of those "givens" in life that we as adults have to deal with and accept. Your doing this is something that shows your love for and commitment to your daughter. Unfortunately, I don't see a simple solution to the problem. Your sense that your life is now "dictated" by her schedule and that she is "in charge" of your life is probably residual anger left over from your relationship with her. You may find it helpful to reframe this sense by giving it another label such as your life, by necessity, being "planned around" your ex-wife's schedule due to your choice to be an involved parent.
It's great to see parents who remain committed to their children despite obstacles and I hope that you are proud of yourself for all of your efforts and love.
Best Wishes!
Dr.. Simon
I have an 8-year-old son who is emotionally immature and who has trouble getting along with other children because of his immature behavior and difficulty relating to them. I have talked to his teachers and his doctor about these problems and at this point I think that the major source of his problems has to do with the fact that his father doesn't spend much time with him. When my husband comes home from work, he seems to want to spend his time reading, watching TV and on the computer. I encourage my husband to go out in the yard and throw a ball with our son, to take him places and event to just talk with him and play a game with him but he doesn't seem to take the initiative. I'm worried about my son. Do you have any suggestions?
Mrs. R.U.
Dear Mrs. R.U.:
Thank you for writing and for being a loving and concerned parent. I think you are correct to be concerned if you believe that you son's social relationships are not going well. As they mature, children gain more and more of their sense of well being and of being effective in the world from their interactions with peers. Of course, it is important to remember that there are individual differences between people in all areas of functioning and this includes the need for social interaction and social skills/maturity. With respect to your particular situation, it is not likely to be the case that your son's social immaturity is due solely to his father's not being highly involved with him. This may play a role and probably does. However, such problems in children are almost always due to multiple causes and so placing the emphasis on one source is probably not accurate. If you pin the blame on one cause and pursue that cause as the solution, I am concerned that you will not achieve the outcome you want anyway! Certainly I would be all for having your husband interact more with your son but this is not something you can force or make happen if it is not your husband's style to be an involved parent. I might suggest that you take the time to consult with a local child psychologist. This might help you better understand your son's social problems, the sources it derives from and enable to you to take steps to effectively help your son.
Thank you again for writing!
Dr. Simon
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
PSY10800
Unfortunately, my twelve year old daughter seems to be really suffering extreme emotional distress. I believe that this is partly because we have been going through a very difficult divorce the past 1 1/2 years. Although, she has expressed to me that we are much safer and happier living without her father on a day to day basis, she rarely expresses it on a daily basis. She seems to be extremely defiant, rebellious and inconsiderate of not only my feelings but those of her 4 1/2 year sister. I know that deep down inside she is a sweet girl, I just don't know exactly what to do to bring that out more and suppress the other painful emotions that she is expressing. It seems that no matter what I do to express to her that I care, it just isn't getting through to her. We have tried counseling through Kaiser Permanente, and she has told the counselor that she will try to improve on her behavior, but honestly I have seen little results. I am hoping that you might have some suggestions on a new direction. Thanks so much for any time or advice.
Sincerely,
K
Dear Parent:
Thank you very much for writing. We are very excited about our new Q&A column!
It sounds as if you are very concerned about your 12 year old
daughter and that you love her very much. Of course, divorce and the breakup of the family is an emotionally stirring situation for any person, let along children. It is hard to say with certainty what your daughter's increasingly defiant behavior is due to but there are several factors that might be involved. Certainly, the pain and anxiety of divorce exerts a disorganizing effect on everyone's behavior. Young children show this disorganization more because their coping skills are not as well developed as the coping skills of most adults. Anger, anxiety, sadness, confusion and similar feelings, when bottled up, are frequently expressed in the form of defiance and oppositionalism. Sometimes defiant and aggressive behavior can mask depression and sad feelings. This is something to consider. It is also important to remember that your daughter, given her age, is in the throes of puberty and adolescence. This is a time in life when many children display defiant, oppositional and aggressive behavior. It would not surprise me if your daughter's behavior reflected contributions from both potential causes but without knowing your daughter I cannot offer a certain answer to this matter.I think that in your situation, pursuing continued counseling/psychotherapy is important so that your daughter can better understand herself and so that you and she, together, can work out differences and find ways to feel better about one another. Remember that psychotherapy is a process and not an event. Changes can take time. Further, it is often helpful to meet and interview several therapists before selecting the one you feel you can best work with. I might also suggest that involving your daughter in a support or therapy group with peers who are experiencing similar problems in their lives.
Thank you once again for your letter. I hope that this helps you.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am trying to cope with a very hard situation that has me worried. I have been divorced for almost two years. My ex-husband and I have two young children who are 4 and 7. The children live mostly with me and spend time with their father every other weekend right now. Each time they come home from their father's house, they are upset, cry a lot, they ask me a lot of questions about the divorce and tell me that their father tells them that it is my fault that our family split up. He can be a very unfair man and I am certain that he tells them negative things about me that are not true. I have asked him over and over again to stop doing this and my attorney has written him several times telling him that he is not following a court order which states that we are not to disparage the other parent in front of the children. I am thinking of taking him back to court because he is violating this order and thinking of having the judge punish him for this. What do you think?
Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom:
Thank you very much for writing. This is a new feature of Real Solution's web site and I hope it is helpful.
Your situation is not an uncommon one at all. In the breakup of the family, feelings run high and it is often the children who suffer the most. Children find such changes very difficult and they will frequently show their reaction in the form of behavior changes or mood changes. This does not necessarily mean that the other parent is doing something wrong. It may simply mean that the children are conflicted, confused and upset. In shared custody situations it is very important that each parent do his/her best to keep negative comments about the other parent to him/herself and out of the earshot of the children.
Even though typical court orders include a provision about disparaging the other parent in front of the children, order of this kind are very hard to enforce and it can also be hard to prove that the other parent is doing so. If you are concerned that this is going on, your first effort might be to calmly explain to your ex-husband what you are observing in the children behaviorally and emotionally and talk with him about how you can work together to help the children. If you can avoid blaming and making accusations, the chances that you can work together for the sake of the children is maximized. With respect to going to court, I would suggest that you consult with a qualified attorney.
However, please remember one very important thing. Family court cannot solve personal problems. They can make orders, give instructions and state how things shall be when parents disagree. However, no matter what is ordered, it is the presence of personal problems between parents that is often the major issue. If need be, you might consider using a neutral third-party mediator to assist you and your ex-husband in solving your disputes. Remember that dealing with problems before they become larger is always best for your children!
Good luck and thank you again for writing.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon
My wife and I just separated and we cannot agree on the custody of our young daughter who is only two years old. I want her to live with me and my wife wants her to live with her. No matter how much we talk about the situation, we disagree and it seems that things are only getting worse. I am only interested in what is best for my daughter and I worry about her living with her mother for many reasons. Neither my wife or myself have very much money and we can't afford to hire attorneys to help us out. I am feeling very stuck. What can I do?
Thank you
Mr. Dad
Dear Mr. Dad:
Your letter is an important one since there are so many parents in just your situation. The law is complicated which is why it is often helpful to have an attorney. However, each of your can represent yourselves in family court and this is becoming more and more common. When it comes to custody decisions, the Court has the ability to make decisions. If you and your wife cannot agree, you can allow the family courts to make a decision for you. Before you see a judge, you will need to file a petition in which you explain your desires. Prior to appearing before a judge, you will be required to participate in mandatory mediation with a family court counselor. This person is a trained and licensed mental health professional whose job it is to listen to you and your wife and attempt to help you resolve your disagreement without having to actually appear in court before a judge. If the mediator cannot help the two of you reach a decision, the mediator will write a report and make recommendations to the judge. You will then be given a court date, the judge will review the mediator's report and make a decision regarding custody. Remember, that these decisions are not about who is the "good" parent and who is the "bad" parent. These decisions are made with the best interests of your child in mind. All things being equal, the Court operates under the assumption that a child's best interests are served by having a regular and meaningful relationship with both parents. Please remember that when you think of custody as a win/lose situation, your child is the one that suffers. Do your best to support the other parent...that is how everyone wins!
Best wishes to your and your daughter
Dr. Simon
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody. Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation. He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. He is a sought after speaker and trainer. Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons. He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.
Questions for Dr. Simon can be sent to: ras@ix.netcom.com
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